So there they all are in the Werq Room, post elimination, and everyone is so upset about Jaidynn being sent home - mostly because they'll probably never get to bathe in the glory of that wonderful bedazzled bra top ever again...



"It's so weird to see you over there," someone says to Ginger Minj, who as last week's Near Evictee is busy cleaning Jaidynn's farewell message off the mirror.

"I know!" says Ginger, because humility and self awareness are highly overrated characteristics.

"Since we started this challenge I've not really been in a good place with it. I've been in my head."


She's really got it down now, eh?

Speaking of Miss Fame, she's pretty pissed off that her hot-glued-surgical-stocking-and-black-texta ensemble was overlooked by the judges in favour of Pearl and Trixie's child pageant queen look.

"This is not a read on you, but if I'd walked out there with a dress I'd just picked off the rack they would have clocked me for not trying hard enough," she spits.


Doobly doo music, wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where everybody is playing a round of "Prove You've Read Readers' Digest Lately".

"Is anybody excited about what today might AVAIL?" says Miss Fame, automatically losing the game for incorrect use of a verb.


Suddenly the sound of RuPaul having her head shoved into a urinal rings out across the studio, bringing everyone to their knees. No, it's not Trixie's "25 Tracks to Relax" CD (that has the sound of Pearl having her head shoved into a urinal), it's the Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail siren!

The TV screen flashes into life (or at least, everyone pretends it does - you don't think they can really afford to power that thing up, do you?) and RuPaul appears.

"Good morning Baltimore! Having Female Trouble? Well don't be a Cry Baby because all you need to become America's next drag superstar is Hairspray and Polyester. Oh, and don't forget to hide your Pecker!" she says, while 75 per cent of people watching at home do this:


All the queens are so busy trying to look like they get all the references no one notices when RuPaul bursts in through the door at the top of the stairs dressed as the Hamburglar:


"In the great tradition of Paris is Burning, the library is about to be open!"RuPaul announces.

Meanwhile, at home:


Of course regular viewers will understand that what this actually means is that all the queens are going to put on silly glasses and throw shade at everyone else for 10 minutes. Well, all the queens except one, because as is the case every season there's always one unfunny bitch who is totally crap at insults and delivers punchlines like Mariah Carey at the baseball.

THE LIBRARY IS OPEN!

* As per last year, and in homage to her guest appearance last week, today I shall be rating the queens' shade-throwing abilities using the international standard shade measurement of Latrice Royales.

* First up, Ginger Minj.

On Trixie Mattel: "Making fun of you is like shooting clownfish in a barrel. Unfortunately that's about as fishy as you'll ever be."

On Miss Fame: "Everything about you is so original, except for those lips, those cheeks and everything you present to the judges on the runway."



* Moving on to Katya, on Pearl: "Now that you've come out of your shell, maybe you could use that as a butt pad."

On Violet: "You keep training in those corsets girl, pretty soon your waist size will be lower than your IQ."

On Miss Fame: "You are such a talented makeup artist, I've never met anybody who's able to shove their head so far up their own ass without smudging their eyeliner!"



* Next is Violet, on Ginger Minj: "I disagree with the judges, I think you should bring your black hairspray down further - full coverage."

On Katya: "At this point you should just make like your hairline and recede."

On Trixie Mattel: "Haute couture? More like haute glue."



* Moving right along to Miss Fame, and there's still no sign of which queen will be this year's reading challenge dyslexic. Huh. I wonder who it will be.

"Is that Ben Affleck?"Miss Fame says about Trixie Mattel.

"Girl, I must be hungry for the dick if I see this thirsty bitch as her!"


"Katya, now you get to increase your hooking fee' - thank you RuPaul's Drag Race!"Miss Fame continues.



* Moving on to Kennedy Davenport, on Trixie: "I am waiting for you to change that lip colour cos your face looks like the back of a baboon's ass."

And then: "Look it's a giraffe! No it's a horse! No it's just Violet."



* Next up is Trixie, on Katya: "Girl where do you get your outfits? American Apparently Not?"


On Ginger Minj: "Girl, did you ever save Carole-Anne from the poltergeist in the TV?"


On Violet: "I don't believe the rumours, I don't believe you took Sharon Needles' crown - and I don't believe you're taking this one either!"



* Bringing it on home is Pearl, on Kennedy Davenport: "You've got your eye on the prize... and your other eye on the crown."


On Katya: "Are you confused? The saying is YOUNG, dumb and full of come."


"And RuPaul..." she begins.


Sadly we never get to hear Pearl's read of RuPaul (suggestion: "RuPaul is so old, I told her to act her age and she died!") or any of the obvious jokes about Miss Fame (suggestion: "How did Miss Fame get on Drag Race? She had the most eye-catching tape!"), but overall it's not the worst reading challenge ever so let's all just be thankful.

Trixie Mattel is declared the winner because of course (I mean, NO ONE was going to beat that Poltergeist call) and is rewarded with a lifetime membership to Blockbuster video. Congrats, Trixie, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of that.

"This week we're paying tribute to the Sultan of Sleaze, the Baron of Bad Taste, the legendary director JOHN WATERS!" announces RuPaul.


Fortunately RuPaul goes on to explain just who John Waters is by playing a totally nonsensical clip of drag queen Divine being attacked by a giant beetle which... actually, now that I think about it, probably is the best way of explaining John Waters.

Side note:


As it turns out the "tribute" to John Waters is getting all the queens to re-enact some of his most famous movie scenes in the style of a musical (or "Rusical" as the producers of this show insist on calling it).


Everyone gets into pairs, except for Pearl, Violet and Fame who slink together unenthusiastically after being passed over by everybody else, and starts rehearsing.

Katya and Kennedy start working on the songs for their scene, "Cha Cha Heels" from Female Trouble.


As we all know from episode four, Katya is really great at singing - as long as the style you're going for is Peter Garrett impersonating a death metal singer with a headcold - so that will probably go really well.

Trixie and Ginger Minj are tackling "Eggs" from Pink Flamingos.

Their scene involves them throwing eggs around while singing "Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!", so I guess Kristen Chenoweth and Alan Cumming will need to work out a new opening number for the Tonys now.

And then there's Violet, Pearl and Fame with perhaps the most famous John Waters scene of all, the one with Divine and the dog.


All three are supposed to represent Divine - Pearl as her good conscience, Fame as her evil side, and Violet as the one who eats shit.


Their scene involves Pearl singing "DON'T PLAY WITH DOO-DOO!" while Violet licks her lips and Fame dances around a fake dog poo. So there goes plan B for the Tonys.

Anyway, enough rehearsing....

IT'S THE JOHN WATERS MUSICAL CHALLENGE TIME!

* Kennedy and Katya are up first with "Cha Cha Heels", which I can safely say is the worst "song" to ever come out of a Drag Race musical challenge (yes, even worse than this). Honestly, it sounds like two drunk women having an argument over shoes while someone bangs their head against a piano, so when Kennedy complains that the "live keyboard is throwing me off" I have full sympathy.

* Meanwhile, it's great to see Coco Montrese back on TV again:


* And it's good to see Michelle Visage finally toning down her makeup a bit:


* Trixie and Ginger attempt Pink Flamingos, end up with "E True Hollywood Story: Amy Winehouse":


* Pearl, Violet and Fame attempt Divine, end up with Seduction Reunion Tour 2016:


* And for some reason (possibly to justify a totally bullshit elimination later in the episode) everyone thinks this is terrible:


Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, Katya shouting "BUT IT'S CHRISSSMAAASSS" a few times... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where everyone is preparing for runway, which this week has a theme of "Ugliest Dress".


Meanwhile, over at the makeup table Miss Fame and Pearl are busy performing slam poetry.

Pearl: "You're an idiot."

Fame: "You're very blessed, your talents have taken you far and I'm struggling."

Pearl: "It's OK, your insecurities can take you there."

Fame: "And your lack of will to be here has really gotten you far."

POW! I don't know what they're on about, but someone throw down a beat and let's record this shiz!


"I feel like there's some weird, underlying tension, I dunno, she's like... odd,"Pearl says about Fame, because the producers are desperately trying to manufacture some last minute rivalry that doesn't exist so when Pearl and Fame are inevitably in the bottom two there will be a modicum of controversy.

Probably.

And with our shaky premises established...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* Thanks to a special sponsorship deal secured by RuPaul's marketing team, everyone on the judging panel is this week contractually obliged to dress as an item for sale at the Rose Bowl Flea Market in Pasadena.

RuPaul comes as a velvet painting from 1977:


* Michelle Visage comes as this vintage purse:


* Some blonde guy (I can't remember his name) shows up as this rare Ken Doll:


* Special guest judge Demi Lovato, otherwise known as "The Guest Judge Who Isn't John Waters" comes as this sequin art painting of a horse:


* And legendary author and filmmaker John Waters comes specially dressed as this beautiful handmade sculpture:


* Thanks to another last minute sponsorship deal with Shitty Movies Incorporated the runway has to be delayed for 10 minutes while everybody watches a live-action promo for Tyler Perry's new film, "Madea Beats A Dead Horse":


* Then there's Katya, who looks like Ronald McDonald's slutty sister Rhonda after a meth-fuelled three way with Grimace and Birdie:


* Moving on to Ginger Minj, who looks like an aerial view of a cabbage patch that two crows suicided into:


* Trixie Mattel looks exactly like Prom Queen Barbie circa 1986:


* "Hi, I'm Pearl and I don't know what 'ugly' means!"


* "Hi, I'm Miss Fame and I also don't know what ugly means!"


* Thankfully the challenge is saved by Violet Chachki, who shows up looking like the product of an orgy involving a troupe of clowns, a Fraggle, a picnic rug, and 57 tabs of acid:


* After the runway we're all forced to sit through the John Waters musical presentations, so grab whatever social drug is closest to you and consume all of it now, you're going to need it.

* Katya sings about "cha cha", shows us her cho-cha:


* Then there's this, which I have already made my phone ringtone:


* Kennedy and Katya's segment went for so long I drifted off to sleep and only woke up when an ad for Masterchef came on:


* Meanwhile, thank god for a singing and acting challenge so Pearl can finally show off her charisma:


* And if you ever wondered what Violet might look like if she was cryogenically frozen mid-sneeze:


* In summary: it's three minutes of men in dresses with painted foreheads and fake paunches yelling, throwing eggs at each other and singing about dog poo.


* Demi Lovato describes Pearl's dress as "the least ugliest out of everyone's", and they bond over their shared lack of English skills.

* Michelle Visage says Katya took a "nothing role and turned it into something meaty".


* Demi Lovato says Ginger went "balls deep" as the egg lady, words which will never be uttered together in the same sentence ever again.

* John Waters tells Pearl he didn't understand her performance. Carson tells Violet her performance was flat. Carson says Pearl is unmemorable. Michelle Visage criticises Pearl for not going big enough.

Nek minit:

Meanwhile, I think we can all agree Michelle Visage is the last person who should be giving lessons about anything coming naturally.

* Demi Lovato says Violet's performance as Divine was "about as talented as a colour blind makeup artist".



* RuPaul asks the queens who should go home and LITERALLY EVERYONE (apart from Violet) says Miss Fame. 

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Note to the producers:

Just a tip.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, in line with this week's runway sponsor, has been furnished by the Pasadena Rose Bowl Flea Market meaning this week everyone gets a special prize - lice!

So firstly, a quick Rupaulogy for the unbearable lateness of this week's recap. I could tell you the whole story about the drama that happened this week, but as it doesn't involve meeting Max or Violet or being abducted by a Drag Mothership piloted by Sharon Needles it's probably not very interesting, so in the words of our lord and saviour Alyssa Edwards:


OK so there we are in the Werq Room, having just said goodbye to Miss Fame for no real reason - well, apart from the fact that when RuPaul asked who should go last week everyone was like:


The words "bus", "throwing" and "under" come to mind, but I can't think how to combine them in a sentence.

Anyway despite all this it seems Fame has left everyone handwritten farewell notes. Hope they all feel bad.

"Girl you are a class act,"Kennedy reads from her note.

"You are so talented,"Katya reads.

"Violet, you are perfect," reads Violet.

"What does yours say, Pearl?"

Having now been in the bottom two twice Pearl realises she may need to develop a personality to get to the final three, so immediately begins a display of her entire emotional range:


Meanwhile, now we know how Max got eliminated so soon - someone made a damn voodoo doll:


Suddenly the sounds of RuPaul slowly starving to death at the bottom of a drain drift over the Werq Room - it's Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail time!

"Ladies, you wanna prance with somebody? Somebody who loves you? Well if you can't love yourself - switch partners! It's time to look at drag from both sides now!" says RuPaul, who may or may not be on some sort of hallucinogen.

"It's dancing!" screams Katya, while simultaneously affixing the stamp to her MENSA application envelope.

Just then the ground begins to tremble and the walls begin to shake, and everyone falls to the floor with a thud. A terrible scream pierces the air and one by one, lightbulbs start exploding and spraying glass all over the studio. The sudden increase in electromagnetic field causes Pearl's nosering to become magnetized, dragging her face-first across the floor to become stuck to Katya's crotch.

"So that's how she does it,"Pearl muses as Ginger starts stress eating Violet's wig.

Then at the top of the stairs the door starts to creak open... it's...


Also, while we're at it, can I just draw everyone's attention to this:


"Ladies, the good news is - you're all getting cosmetic surgery!"RuPaul announces.

"The bad news is - you'll be doing it yourselves."

Meanwhile, watching at home:

STICKY FACE CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL

After the shock of last week's cocktail party walkout by Jacinda, the remaining nine bachelorettes are all coping with their grief by doing advanced maths in the sunroom.

"Each room has three girls in it now," says one.

"And it had eight," pipes up another.

Nina gets out a whiteboard and some textas...

We rejoin Sam out in the field, literally, where he is meeting two potential new recruits to the Shag Mansion:


Having not had a ride in weeks he's pretty keen, but ultimately decides against the idea after he tries to give them both a rose, and they eat them.

Despondent, Sam leans on a fence in a photogenic way, sighing: "The trick now is to try and see which girls are not just great in bursts, but a woman I can spend the rest of my life with."

Or, in equestrian terms, someone who can run the steeplechase, not just a furlong.

Meanwhile back at the Shag Mansion all the bachelorettes are road testing a new anti-depressant drug for a multinational pharmaceutical company, as per clause 37.1.b of their contracts.




There's a mild panic when Bec announces she might be a chicken, and Heather declares there is no god and that no man or devil can touch the inky darkness of her being.

But then a yellow envelope blows in through the window and everyone cheers.

"Blah blah blah group date blah blah people's names," says Heather, reading from the card.

Looks like a bunch of women are going on some sort of date with Sam!

"'The race is on'," continues Heather, reading out the clue.

"Little athletics!" shrieks Bec, who may or may not still be high from the trial drugs.

Meanwhile, it seems Emily is not happy at having to share a group date with Nina.

"The more I've gotten to know Nina, she's very fake," she says.


"I don't know much about Nina, but I know she isn't somebody I'd be friends with,"Emily continues.

Meanwhile, in Nina's head:


As it turns out, the mention of "racing" in the clue was actually a cryptic reference to racing, so they all pile into some four-wheeled advertisements and drive off to a go-karting track, where Sam is waiting for them.

"Are you ready ladies?" asks a passing tumbleweed, rolling across the track.

It's fair to say no one is more ready than Nina, who not only has come dressed as the chequered flag...


...but has seemingly been preparing for this moment all her life, gleefully announcing that she is into "drifting" and "Japanese imports".

After missing out on the epic tyre-changing date of episode six, this is Nina's dream come true.

Meanwhile, Emily is still talking about Nina to prove how unimportant Nina is.

"I just don't see anything with Nina and Sam, I just don't think he would be really attracted to her, she's a bit crass," says Emily, who is wearing cubic zirconia.


"First one over the line is the winner!" yells the tumbleweed as the bachelorettes stride towards their go-karts in their natty orange racing uniforms.


"I'm going to smash this race and go full throttle," says Emily, before adding "Wait, is 'throttle' the right word? I thought that was like, strangling someone? Isn't it 'clutch'? Or 'gearbox'? I'm going to go full gearbox?"

What follows is five minutes of people in indistinguishable orange suits driving moderately slowly around a tiny race track inside a warehouse, which is as thrilling as it sounds. You can achieve the same level of excitement by taking six oranges and rolling them down your hallway while squealing.

In the end it turns out Nina's revhead boasting was all for nought, as Emily takes home the trophy by a massive margin.


Unfortunately due to a mix up involving the pit lane and Nina being blind and/or a bit thick, she incorrectly believes she has won the race, fanging around the track in a victory lap and punching the air... until the tumbleweed sets her straight.

"Congratulations Emily, you won by over seven seconds!" says the tumbleweed.


"The fact that I beat her was awesome. She came across as a gracious loser, but deep down she was probably mortified, especially given I'd just come off the single date and then I got the extra time with him on the group date," gloats Emily, who has clearly never heard of a "gracious winner".

She may not have grace but she does have champagne, so she heads off with Sam for a post-race sip and debrief.

"After yesterday ... it felt a bit weird seeing you again with all the other girls here,"Emily says, in an attempt to gain some sympathy for having to be nice to other people for a whole afternoon.

"Ah, you mean the difference between us just being together and a group date?" says Sam.


As they enjoy their lukewarm champagne just metres from where the other girls are eavesdropping on the racetrack, Sam decides things aren't quite awkward enough and so asks Emily to recap what happened after yesterday's single date.

"So how did the girls react when you got back to the house yesterday?"Sam asks, adding "You know, with your Zamels jewellery?"

"Oh my god the look on their face was PRICELESS," cackles Emily.


"And what did you say?"Sam asks, looking decidedly unimpressed.

"About what exactly?" asks Emily.

"Oh you know, about advanced physics or the ozone layer or the state of the Dow Jones or why cows have four stomachs, anything really," says Sam.

Sam asks Emily whether she enjoyed go-karting, and she replies "it was so much fun!" with about the same level of conviction usually reserved for telling grandparents how much you like their Christmas presents.

"I'm just SO HAPPY I beat Nina!" she shrieks, making the very common mistake of thinking men are ever interested in bitching about hot chicks they like.

"Never mind, I'm sure she's celebrating anyway," says Sam, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"I'M SURE SHE'S LICKING HER WOUNDS, ACTUALLY," guffaws Emily, knocking back another pint of Moet.

Things get really weird when Sam suggests he's worried for Nina's well being after losing the race to Emily, because you know, she likes cars and stuff.


"I don't know how I feel about Emily,"Sam says later.

"I'm not sure if she's here to find love or if it's just about winning."


In other news: maybe stop pitting everyone against each other in stupid competitions and you'll find out?

Back at the Shag Mansion, everyone is discussing Emily's epic win by seven seconds.

Another yellow envelope turns up somehow (I guess a producer just threw it in the window, I mean, it's not like this show has a host or anything) and everyone starts eagerly discussing who will get the day's single date.

"I reckon this one's for Hey Bro!" says someone.

"I've got a feeling it's for Sarah, because hers was just so long ago," says someone else.

"Banana!" says another.


"I'm worried I haven't made enough of an impression," says Rachel, while everyone else gives her side eye and whispers "Who is that blonde girl hanging around with us?"

"OK guys the clue is 'la dolce vita'," says Nina, reading from the date card, before adding "Can anyone speak Italian?"


"The beautiful life," says Emily, who is wrong.

"I think this is the first time that none of us have any idea what it is," gasps Banana, who might actually have some idea if any of them understood that "la dolce vita" actually means "the sweet life".


So anyway Banana wanders off down to the jetty to meet Sam, who is on yet another boat because this show is fucking obsessed with boats, and thus begins this season's obligatory Ray Ban commercial.


After turning his head from left to right a few times to show off all angles, Sam zooms off with Banana to some garden where the producers have spent a good 20 minutes setting up the world's ugliest marquee.


Even though it looks like the "highly commended" Pooraka P-7 Primary School garden display at the Royal Show Banana politely reacts as though it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, sighing and gasping all over the place.

She's particularly impressed by the trestle table full of giant blocks of supermarket cheese and whole tomatoes.


"This is our little Italy,"Sam announces triumphantly.

I think I speak for all Italians when I say:


Apparently there's a wood oven somewhere and the two of them will be making pizzas to shove into it, which is funny because I DON'T SEE ANY MOZZARELLA ON THAT TABLE. Ain't no way I'd be making no pizza with no tasty matured, NO SIR.

But Banana doesn't seem to care, making her pizza with fetta (ugh - deal breaker right there).

"Terday is all abart the swoit loife, the doltchee vida. Oy naow yer not eye-talian but there's jarst sarmthing abart ya," says Sam, so overcome by Banana's beauty he breaks into pure footballer-ese.

Or, in other words: "Geez you're fully exotic looking, ay."

Meanwhile back at the Shag Mansion everyone is talking about how much Sam wants to get his banana near Banana.

"That was obvious with their pash on the group date," laughs Nina.


Apparently Banana and Sam's pash at last week's barn dance is news to everyone except Bec and Nina, who were sworn to secrecy.

Emily declares this transgression as proof of Nina being "as two faced as they come", rather than what I naturally assume: that it's proof of Nina getting an extra $2500 in her reality TV paycheck.

"Nina can say things that come across quite catty and nasty," she says.


Back at the Home Brand Little Italy, Sam and Banana are about to tuck in to the tiniest pizza of all time:


Meanwhile, watching at home:


Sam and Banana start talking and for possibly the first time in Bachelor history have a real conversation about a real world topic that might feasibly affect their relationship, as opposed to just saying the word "relationship" over and over again like people on this show usually do.

This time they're broaching the subject of Banana's daughter, and how Sam feels about potentially becoming her step father.

"I feel like on our last date I got to know you as a mum, and it didn't scare me off at all," he says, because Sam is a cool, progressive guy who totally doesn't get scared off by sexy mums who go hot air ballooning on a whim and have romantic picnics in fields and never have their children around them ever.


Banana tells Sam she loves the fact that he is very busy with work and can leave the child rearing to her, which I think translates to "PLEASE DON'T BE SCARED OFF BY THE FACT THAT I HAVE A KID OH PLEASE GOD."

She's all doe-eyed, he's starting to slur his words - it's almost as if this date couldn't get any better.

Until Sam brings out the piece de resistance: a dessert shaped like the Death Star.

Yes, you know it's true love when your pretend boyfriend presents you with a candy representation of Darth Vader's spaceship on a plate.

"I did a bit of homework and discovered you were a Star Wars fan!" he beams with pride, despite the fact that it looks more like a melted cricket ball than the infamous Empire killing machine.
Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, Heather shudders with the unnerving feeling that someone, somewhere is out geek-ing her.


"I can't believe you made me a dessert like the Death Star, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me," gushes Banana, who has clearly led a joyless life until now.

He gives her a rose, then this happens:


Then Sam says "Mmm, you taste good," so I throw up, and then Banana says "Mmm, so do you," so I throw up again, and then this happens:


Back at the Shag Mansion everyone is dolled up and looking glamorous for the cocktail party.

Except for Heather.


While everyone else does the usual milling around, gasping "ohhhHHHhh!" and pretending not to be drunk, Emily turns to camera and launches into part 637 of her debut Psychic TV series "Love Predictions with Emily".

"I couldn't see Sam and Snezana having a successful long term relationship, no. I could see them having a fling. I can't see them being life partners," she says.

IT'S ROSE TIME!

It's late night after the cocktail party, and everyone is sitting around in their customary "bedtime makeup"mourning the recent eviction of... er... what was her name again? You know the one. Blonde. Never said anything.










"The group is definitely getting smaller," says Hey Bro!, just in case you were doubting the minimising effects on a group of removing two people from it every week.

Just then a gust of wind blows through the open door, sending a chill through the house and the curtains fluttering. Then the lights flicker and die, plunging the group into darkness as a low rumbling noise begins to emanate from underneath the floorboards. The girls clutch each other in fear as the door suddenly springs open to reveal...



"Ladies, I've just been with Sam," he announces.



After he fills them in on all the juicy details (under the shirt, with tongue, behind the boat shed) he reaches deep into his underpants, pulls out a yellow manila envelope and throws it on the floor shouting "SUCK ON THAT, DORKS", before giving them the finger and walking out.

Yes, it's another single date card. Who could it be for? We just don't know! It could really be anyone at this point etc. etc. etc.

"It can't be Nina, for the life of me it just can't be fricking Nina," says Emily, who I'm starting to think might have a grudge against the Shag Mansion's resident Guinness Record holder.

Incidentally, Emily is going for her own Guinness Record, for the longest amount of time spent talking about Nina.


" I mean none of us like Nina," she continues.


As it turns out the date is for Bec, and carries the cryptic clue "let's blow it all sky high".

I sincerely hope this means they will be doing one of the following:






"I'm thinking rockets, monkeys and a circus," says Heather triumphantly.

Girl, seriously?


So Bec puts on her most lightweight dress for no particular reason and trips off to a local park to meet Sam, who is picking her up in a helicopter.


"Bec had a bit of a Marilyn Monroe moment," laughs Sam.


Things get even better for Bec when they arrive at their destination and she gets sprayed with gutter water by a passing car:


Just when you thought this date couldn't get any better Sam and Bec go to "iFly Down Under", which sadly is not a sex club for entomologists but an indoor sky-diving venue, because we humans are apparently so bored with all the wonders of the world we can now only experience joy by putting ourselves in giant perspex tubes and floating around at great expense.

What follows is three and a half minutes of Bec and Sam being blown by fans inside a giant perspex tube (which coincidentally is the exact synopsis of Annabel Chong's latest DVD, out now), and making hilarious faces.






Back at the Shag Mansion, Emily and Hey Bro! have taken up their positions on Picturesque Verandah Number 1 to discuss how terrible Nina is, a topic that no one else seems to be interested in but them.

"If Nina stays over anyone else in the house now, I don't know what's going through Sam's head,"Emily says.
"Sam will give Bec a rose, she'll be safe, and someone else will go home this week,"Emily says confidently.


And so we go back to Sam and Bec, who have stopped getting blown long enough to make their way to yet another random gazebo (I swear, the producers have a list of every gazebo, pavilion and arbor within a 25km radius of the Sydney CBD) for what must be the 600th champagne and cheese picnic of the series so far.


"WOOD YOUSE LOIKE A GLASS OF CHAMPOYNE?"Sam asks.

Realising that conversation with Sam might be difficult on account of his not actually speaking English, Bec pulls out some conversation helpers, nifty cards with fun questions on them like "Who's your favourite 18th century philosopher?" and "What's the name of that song I like again?" and "Do you have any STIs?".

"What's your worst ever date?" asks Sam, reading off the first card.

Hmm, let me think. Was it the one where she had to help change a tyre, then got drenched on a jet boat, and then was forced to eat a salad of fried grasshoppers? Or was it the one where her skirt almost blew off on national television and then she got sprayed with dirty gutter water? So many options...

While Bec weighs up which of her two dates with Sam has been the worst ever, Sam steps to stage left and delivers a heartfelt soliloquy about his feelings.

"I'm just trying to assess, is this a girl I get on fantastically well with and we have a lot in common, or is it someone that you instantly know there's a romantic connection?" he says.


In an attempt to get things back on track, or at least in the first person, Bec pulls out another conversation card which reads "So... fuck it?".

Bec: So, fuck it?

Sam: Yeah, fuck it.

Bec: I reckon.

Sam: No worries.

Bec: See ya!

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, everyone is doing their best impressions of People Who Know Nothing About What Is Happening on Bec's Date.

"She must be having such a good time!" beams Hey Bro!.

"She'll totally come back with a rose!' chirps Emily.

"I don't think at this point anybody would not come back with a rose!" says Banana, who has just learned about double negatives and isn't not keen to show them off.

But their happy mood is interrupted by a deafening crack of thunder which reverberates across the walls, setting the chandeliers wobbling in their sockets, their crystals tinkling. The room goes black and the women scream as they scramble to find one of the 17,000 candles in the house which, in a sad twist of irony, were removed just hours before due to fire safety concerns.

Just then, out of nowhere, a flash of lightning illuminates the room and reveals...


"I didn't mean to startle you,"Sam says, in much the same way that serial killers do in the movies when they've just startled someone.

"With Bec today we had a fantastic day, but if I'm being honest with myself there wasn't that romantic connection.

"She won't be coming home."


"The biggest thing we usually discuss is whether you're going to come home with a rose or not, and now all of a sudden it's like - are you even going to come home at all?" says Nina, trying to locate the nearest exit.

"As you know, I came here to find love," Sam says.

"SO STEP IT THE FUCK UP AND STOP MESSING ME AROUND," he yells, throwing Bec's unused rose into the fire and spitting on it before storming out.

The women consider calling the police but then remember the producers take away their champagne privileges if they catch them using the phone, so they instead appoint Emily as night watchman and go to bed.

The next morning Sam opens up his copy of "The Movie Psycho Killer's Playbook", turns to chapter two entitled "Show Up Unexpectedly With Creepy Gifts" and heads off to the Shag Mansion with a basket full of bananas.


"I'm here to foind a rool woman to have a rool relationship with and to moy that's not fancy cocktail parties with fancy ballgowns and tuxedos,"Sam says, demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding of the television show he's signed up for, which is literally 85 per cent cocktail parties, ballgowns and tuxedos.

No, according to Sam "foinding a rool woman" involves rocking up to their house unannounced with a basket of bananas and cooking them pancakes.

Which he does, with predictable results.


Everyone immediately grabs the nearest thing that can double for makeup and gets to work before Sam can see their hideous naked faces: Nina dabs flour into her T-zone, Banana rubs a piece of burnt toast across her eyelashes and Sarah smashes a can of tomato paste on the benchtop and smears it on her cheeks. The end result is like a war time cabaret show from a particularly destitute concentration camp.

Not Heather, though. Heather is cool. That's why she's wearing a felt onesie complete with "butt flap", because she's totally an adult.

"Heather looked so cute in her onesie," says Sam, with about as much conviction as you could expect a 34 year old to have when saying that sentence..


"Where's Emily?" asks Sam, knowing full well that Emily is probably upstairs microdermabrasing something, or brushing her hair 99 times while chanting positivity mantras into the mirror, or sacrificing puppies or whatever.

"You've got 10 seconds to get down here or you miss out,"Sam shouts up the stairs, which is the second most romantic thing he's said on this show after "I didn't mean to startle you".

And before you can say "what the fuck is that on her forehead", Emily is down in the kitchen.


As it turns out it's hair dye, which probably explains why Emily didn't shoot down the stairs the moment she heard her potential boyfriend walk in the door.

Given this new information, Nina's earlier assessment that Emily"never comes down to breakfast without a set of heels on and her hair done perfectly" seems rather unfair.

But fuck it, every show needs a villain. Sorry, Emily.

Sam cooks up some pancakes and everyone reacts as though he's just produced a 12 course degustation with matched wines, cooing things like "How can you say you're not a good cook?" and "These are awwwwesommmme!' and "Thanks dad!".

Sam chuckles and dishes out ice cream and berries and then makes them all get dressed because the sleepover is finished and their mums will be coming to pick them up any minute now.

Then he pulls a manila envelope out of Heather's butt flap, drops it on the table, and runs out the door and back to his pad where his one true love, Osher, is waiting.

Sadly the women haven't yet twigged to that budding romance and assume they all still have a chance, so Nina rips open the envelope.

Everyone is in agreement that the date has to be for Hey Bro!, the only one left who hasn't yet had a single date.

Except nah, it's for Sarah.


And so Sarah waltzes off for her second date with Sam, leaving Hey Bro! with nothing to do but rub kero into Emily's forehead. As long as she keeps her away from a naked flame.

Now, you thought the amateur dramatics dessert buffet was a grand gesture.

You thought the Italian trestle table was romantic.

Well wait until you cop a load of...


Meanwhile, watching from the top of the hill:


"It was really cute that he took me to his house. Just very, very personal," gushes Sarah, who apparently has trouble distinguishing between someone's actual house and a TV set.

"Oy know you love woine, and you love woineries, so stick this bloindfold on and prove it," says Sam.

Yes, it seems that just as Banana's offhand mention of Star Wars led to her having to eat a sugar Death Star, the one time Sarah exclaimed "gee this pinot grigio is good" now means she will have to undergo a blindfolded tasting to prove how dedicated her love of wine really is.

This highlights an important lesson for the others in the Shag Mansion: never announce that you like something, or you will be forced to endure it manifested in the most irritating way.


As always, today's date has been sponsored by the National Cheese Board Advisory Group (NCBAG), which stipulates mandatory brie and grape platters get at least 20 per cent screen time in all Bachelor episodes.

Sarah aces the wine tasting, Sam is impressed because she's like, just a girl, and then they watch the sunset together. Given it is broad daylight during the wine tasting I can only assume they spent at least six hours just hanging around in the shed drinking all the leftover booze, which is coincidentally how I like to spend my weekends too.

And look, I might as well put my two cents in right now and say I think Sarah is going to take this whole competition home, it's so obvious they're perfect together. Partly because they're both career driven, partly because they're both a bit boring, but mostly because, as Sam says, "she lives two suburbs away" from him. No one wants to stuff around with interstate romances.

Clearly Sam agrees with me as he gives Sarah a rose, and tries to pash her but she blocks him with her wine glass. (She really DOES love wine, then.). But a bit of boring small talk later and...

Moving on to the cocktail party where Emily is doing a live reading of volume two of her forthcoming book series "Did I Mention I Don't Like Nina Very Much?".

"It shocks me to my very core who is left," she says.

"Heather I don't understand at all. Snezana I don't see with Sam, mostly for the fact that she's got a daughter. Nina I thought would go in the first one to two weeks."


"I think I would definitely be in the top two," she continues.


Not content with leaving all the irony to Emily, Sam shows up and starts loudly proclaiming how great it is that the group is so small now.

"Now I can spend quality time with all of you and get to know you all better!" he guffaws.

Nek minit:


Bristling with jealousy, Osher drags Sam outside for a good talking to.


But just as Osher is about to fall to his knees and shout "I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU" they're interrupted by a fembot clone of Heather which has somehow escaped from the producers' laboratory and wandered onto the property:


The Heatherbot 3000 is just like its carbon-based alternate in every way, except more elegant and feminine, and it can crush cans in its armpits.


"Jeez, oym getting day-sha voo back to the first noit!" exclaims Sam.


Introductions done, the Heatherbot 3000 rolls off down the path to meet the other women and start asserting its dominance over them, while simultaneously studying them to better learn how to mimick human emotion.


Of course, a new contestant - human or otherwise - throws everyone into a tailspin, except for Emily who declares she's not bothered by "intruders".


"I've just started making some ground with Sam and now another girl comes out of nowhere," moans Hey Bro!, who hasn't had a single date with Sam since the series began and has made less ground with him than the Shag Mansion's limo driver.

But hark! What sound yonder?

It's another chick, obviously, but it's unclear if she's another intruder or if she just got lost on her way to a Labyrinth themed costume party.


Her name is Rachel and she is a "food blogger" which, going by the video package that accompanies her arrival, means she spends her time sitting in cafes with her laptop taking photos of food, but not actually eating it.

"I get to go to restaurants and parties and events and get the food and the drinks complimentary, it's a really fun lifestyle," she says.


Sam seems bowled over by Rachel (even when he asks what she does and she just shouts "FOOD BLOGGER"), mostly because she resembles his childhood crush Claudia Schiffer.

"What's your favourite food?"Sam asks, hoping she'll say pancakes.

"STEAK. I LOVE MY FOOD," she shouts, her clavicles desperately attempting to exit her chest.


Just as Sam is about to ask Rachel about her family she learns there's free champagne and canapes inside the house and so bolts off with her iPhone shouting "WHAT'S THE HASHTAG FOR TONIGHT?".

"There's two new girls and they're going to live with us in this house. In our house. Like, it's literally our house. Eating our food," says Hey Bro!, the concept of two new housemates only just dawning on her.


Back inside, the women are discussing the new girls' chances of getting a rose from Sam.

"I'm gonna say no because I think intruders are bullshit and B, not necessary and C, not enough time," says Emily, before pouring herself another pint of champagne and shouting "AND D... IS FOR DICK HA HA HA!"

Meanwhile, in another room:


It seems Sam is hot for the fembot, more so than for Rachel whose most impressive moment comes when she tells him how her cat "died in her arms", and then she got a new one.


Oh hey, did you guys know that Emily doesn't like Nina?

Just thought I'd check, because Emily is slagging her off and I didn't want you to be all shocked or anything.

"I think Nina's going to go home tonight, I don't see them together, I think he needs someone who is more ladylike," she says.


Feeling utterly confident in her position in the top two, Emily saunters off with Sam for a private chat totally free from ironic foreshadowing.

"How do you view me?" she asks.


"I... just... think you're a slow burner,"Sam stutters.


"I just... I think I'm a bit of a goof," says Sam.

"Yep, I think I am too," chirps Emily, whose idea of "goofiness" is coming down to breakfast with a bit of hair dye on your forehead.


"You're a bit more glitz and glamour than the girl I would typically fall for," says Sam, sweating as he continues to navigate this social minefield.

"Like the other day at breakfast, all the girls were down and you were upstairs putting a little touch on..."


Still under the misapprehension that she can wrestle this disaster back in her favour, Emily launches into a big explanation of why she was late to breakfast, which is all about Nina being horrible.

Of course it is.


Then Sam tells her he doesn't know if they're suited, and Emily practically explodes from shock, because she clearly hasn't been watching this show.

"I've never had anyone say this to me before!" she cries, neatly summing up the problem in one succinct sentence.

"I feel like you are a little bit highly strung, more so than you think you are,"Sam continues, gracefully stepping directly on another land mine.




"There are shho many thingshh I could shhay," she says, the seven pints of fruity lexia finally starting to kick in.

"Go on, say it," says Sam.


"Well you either like me as I am or you don't," she concludes, slipping off the chaise lounge and faceplanting into a potted palm.

"GET ME A MARGARITA!" she shouts, as Sam neatly sidesteps her head and we finally move on because....

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Heather and the Heatherbot 3000 stand side by side, defy laws of physics by not pulling together and smashing to smithereens.


* "For the seven of you without a rose, tonight Sam has only six roses to give out," says Osher, before bursting into tears and shouting "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!"
* Hey can someone get Emily a drink?


* "Nina Nina Nina Nina Nina Nina Nina," says Emily, before falling off the podium and directly into a goonbag.

* "Rose rose rose Hey Bro! rose rose," says Sam.


* "If Nina stayed over me I think there's something very wrong here," says Emily.

"I'm definitely here to find love and I think that's something I could find with Sam," says Nina.

"FOOD BLOGGER," says Rachel.

* Seriously, can someone please get Emily a drink?


Both the food blogger and the fembot get roses, and so ultimately it comes down to two old girls duking it out for the final rose - THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN between best friends Nina and Emily.

There's only one rose left on the platter, but two women standing, a situation which everyone finds thoroughly confusing until the Heatherbot solves the equation in her central processing unit and determines that one woman will have to go home.

But who will Sam choose?

No one, as it turns out, because Emily makes a bolt for the bar before he gets to say a word.

Sam waits for the door to hit Emily in the arse on the way out, then realises she doesn't have an arse, and just hands over the final rose to Nina.

"This rose was always for you, Nina," he says, as an anguished scream sends birds scattering outside.

And as the other women retire to their beds in the Shag Mansion, Emily stumbles towards her limo. But as she takes a final slug from her take-away cup of sparkling white, she trips and falls on the stairs, whispering with her final breath...


OK that's it - let's press on and READ EPISODE 10.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE EIGHT again right now!

We kick things off in the rumpus room of the Shag Mansion where all the bachelorettes are lounging around in Dotti's new casual separates range discussing Nietzsche's theory of the Ubermensch.


"But if god really is dead, won't that lead to a moral vacuum of nihilism?" asks Heather.

Still grappling with the mathematics of two new girls arriving, Hey Bro! concentrates on convincing herself that she has a romantic connection with Sam.

"It's exhausting coming all this way, creating such a close connection with Sam and you've got two other girls that have just literally come out of nowhere," she says.

"I mean, I've just gotten to the point where Sam nods and smiles at me in the hallway and now it's all going to be ruined!"

Just then a small piece of gravel that was stuck in Sarah's shoe falls to the floor and starts stammering greetings at the new girls.

"Hello Rachel, hello Heatherbot 3000, it's lovely to see you in this capacity, and by 'this capacity' I mean that I'm here," it says, barely making sense (which is perhaps unsurprising for a piece of gravel).


"Here is an envelope, and by 'envelope' I mean this envelope, actually two of them, in this capacity here, and hello, it's good to envelope you," says the piece of gravel, throwing two manila envelopes at the girls in panic before rolling out the door.

Two envelopes, two dates. Who could it be? We just don't know. It could be anyone at this stage etc. etc.

Being the only bachelorette who has not yet been on a single date, Hey Bro! knows at least one of the cards has to have her name on it.

"It's Heather!" announces Banana.


"'This could be the sweetest day of all',"Banana reads from the card, so prepare yourself for some sickly, childish bullshit like I dunno, a ride in an ice cream van to a picnic with desserts made into the shape of animals or something. Just a guess.

But what about that second card?

"Everyone. Meet me in the garden now. Osher," reads the Heatherbot 3000, whose language software has come a long way in just 24 hours.

"LET'S GO! THIS IS EXCITING!" they all squeal and bounce out the door, not noticing the evil glint in her vision receptors.


But just before the Heatherbot's drone squad can descend on the Shag Mansion garden to gun everyone down with lasers, Osher and Sam appear and she has to call the mission off.

"Now we've called you all here to make a special announcement about me and Sam," says Osher.


"It all started behind the boat shed,"Osher continues before Sam cuts him off and announces they're all going to some hotel for a group date.

Well, all of them except Heather, Sarah and Hey Bro!.


Oh alright, Hey Bro! can come too.


Next thing you know Sam and his harem of five are at some swanky city hotel putting on blindfolds, so I can only assume they're all about to have some sort of Fifty Shades themed orgy.


Meanwhile:


They all stumble into a room, take their blindfolds off, and...


Sadly the "dating with cateracts" theme is not to be, as someone eventually turns on the night vision camera and we can see what's really about to happen - dining in the dark.


Everyone stumbles around in the pitch black, tripping over chairs, spilling wine bottles and trying not to fall face first into the vindaloo.

Meanwhile:


Meanwhile:


Pretty soon everyone is shoving handfuls of food into their mouths and pouring wine all over themselves in what looks like the trailer for "Paranormal Activity 14: The Devil's Dinner".

"What's the one biggest turn off for you in a guy?"Sam asks.

"Bad teeth," shouts Nina.

"Girly hands," yells Banana.


There's a brief moment of awkwardness when Rachel is mistaken for someone with a personality and they attempt to engage her in conversation, but then they remember that she's even more boring than the last Rachel was and so give up.

Finally the date comes to an end, and it's time for Sam to choose which bachelorette he'd like to see more of, literally.

Oh well clearly he'll have to say Hey Bro!, because she's been there so long and hasn't had a single date at all and...

"Heatherbot 3000," says Sam.


"It was really, really nice to see you all," says Sam, who hasn't actually seen any of them and doesn't care, as he trips out the door with the fembot.

"There were two things I first noticed about you,"Sam tells the Heatherbot.

"Firstly, your eyes."


"Beyond that, it was your sophistication,"Sam gushes.

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, the original organic Heather feels a shudder.


"The more I discover about the Heatherbot 3000 the more I like her," beams Sam.

"She's inquisitive, she's intelligent, she's got this understated confidence.

"She reminds me of someone too, but I just can't put my finger on it."


"You seem very mature,"Sam continues, amazed that a 27-year-old woman can have a conversation without once mentioning Barbies or needing to go wee wee.

Then he tells her he wishes she'd arrived on the first night, and that he's so glad to have met her, and that basically he's in love with her and they can cancel the rest of the series, and all the while the Heatherbot is like:


Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and here's Heather, waiting on the side of the road for her sickly sweet single date with Sam.

Suddenly a dark cloud passes overhead, filling the air with a chill, and the tinkly, off-key sounds of a child's music box can be heard in the distance.

TINK. TINKY-TINK. TINK.

The creepy music grows louder.

TINKY-TINK TINK TINK TINKY-TINK.

Is that...

Greensleeves?


"WA HA HA HA!" thunders Heather as she steps into the ice cream van, because finally her dream of starring in a real life Zach Braff movie is coming true.

"OH MAN I JUST LOVE SEEING HIS SMILING FACE I JUST LOVE BEING AROUND HIM HE MAKES ME GO GIRLY IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING EVER I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT WHERE THIS CAN GO," sighs Heather.


Because this show cares about entertaining its viewers by being unique and different every episode, Sam takes Heather to...






No, actually he just takes her to


Except this time there's no cheese in sight (the National Cheese Board Advisory Group will have something to say about that). Instead there is a whole table full of sugary desserts because today is "the sweetest day of all"! OH HOW CLEVERLY THEMATIC.

"This is your Alice in Wonderland moment,"Sam tells Heather, which is odd because I don't remember any part of Lewis Carroll's book in which Alice is taken to a shitty concrete gazebo decorated with plastic butterflies and forced to eat cakes like she's three years old.

Hopefully what he actually means is they're going to drop acid, smoke a hookah and talk about words for the rest of the afternoon.


There are chocolate teddy bears and sugar rabbits and candy chickens and mini toadstools and it's all so revoltingly twee I can't believe Heather isn't throwing up all over it. Not that you'd notice if she did.

Now Sam's "You seem very mature" comment from earlier makes more sense. Does he actually realise these women are adults?

Sam and Heather's regression into childhood continues with a conversation about happiness that is so boring ("Are you a happy person?""Yeah, are you a happy person?""Yeah!") that I will both of them to immediately contract diabetes.

"I can honestly say right now that from the word go, the day that I met Sam, I knew that he was someone I would be able to fall in love with," says Heather.


Back at the Shag Mansion, the Heatherbot 3000 has mistaken Rachel the food blogger's lack of personality and constant attachment to her iPhone to mean she is also a robot, and is attempting a system link up to share critical software updates.

"Have you made friends with the other girls?" the Heatherbot asks, as she attempts to plug her USB into Rachel's ear.

"If I wanted to make friends I would have joined my local touch football team,"Rachel says.


Meanwhile, Heather and Sam's insulin dependent date is still going on, with the two of them getting ever more crazed as the sugar kicks in.

"You are for real the oldest and the youngest 29-year-old I've ever met," says Sam, once again amazed that an actual adult woman can think and talk at the same time without once needing to suck on her dummy.

"I love that you keep me guessing, and I love that every time I hang out with you I just don't know where it's going to go," enthuses Heather, which is great because that is absolutely something that will continue when this TV show is over, no doubt.

Then Sam says Heather has "so many contagious qualities", so I hope they remember to use protection.

"I KNOW THAT I AM FALLING FOR THIS GUY I KNOW THAT I DO WANT A FUTURE WITH HIM I KNOW THAT I DO WANT TO BE THE GIRL THAT'S HERE AT THE END, I DO," says Heather.


She gets a rose, the memory of which will hopefully comfort her when Sam eventually breaks her heart and proposes to someone else.

Moving on to the cocktail party, where Rachel the food blogger is unsuccessfully attempting to bond with the Heatherbot by gossiping about the other bachelorettes.

"I'm definitely not getting that vibe of being their friend, are you?" she says, laughing,

"Yeah, a little bit," says the Heatherbot.


Do you feel like we're apart from the other girls?" the Heatherbot asks, while using her excess RAM to calculate that actually they are 12 metres apart from the other girls.

"Well it's not going to kill my life if people don't like me," Rachel concludes, before taking a photo of her champagne and tweeting it with the hashtag "#blessed".
Back inside, Sarah asks Hey Bro! who she thinks is going home tonight, and Hey Bro! says that it's hard to tell because it's up to Sam. And thus concludes another scintillating conversation in the Bachelor house.

Anyway enough of all this faffing around...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* With just seven girls left overall, everyone is feeling nervous.


* "For the six of you without a rose, Sam has only five to give out," says a small china horse on the mantlepiece no one has ever noticed before.


* "It would be a real kick in the face if one of the new girls has made a connection with Sam so quickly that it overrides the connection I've made with him in the entire journey," says Nina.

Recognising the command "connection override", the Heatherbot 3000 snaps into action and remotely shuts down the Shag Mansion's wi-fi. Now no one can watch Netflix, great.

* "Rose rose rose rose," says Sam.

* Meanwhile, everyone starts looking around for Godzilla, a team of superheroes or the oncoming tsunami suggested by the absolutely batshit crazy orchestral music swelling over the top of what is so far a pretty mundane scene.


As always it comes down to two: Rachel the one Sam has just met and Hey Bro! the one Sam has known for 10 whole episodes but has chosen not to hang out with at all.

I wonder what will happen here...

"Rachel," says Sam.

"Hey Bro!, you didn't receive a rose," declares the small china horse.

"Hey bro, I know," she says.

"Or a single date," says the horse.

"Yes, thanks," she says.

"Like, in 10 whole episodes," the horse continues.

"YES, THANK YOU," says Hey Bro! and elegantly sashays out the door.


Well that's it for now, join me again soon when I recap episode 11. Or go back in time right now and READ EPISODE NINE again! Why the hell not?

We rejoin our bachelorettes in the Shag Mansion's Laura-Ashley-decorated waiting room of the damned where everyone is pretending to be upset about Hey Bro! getting the arse last week by making various sad noises.

"It was horrible saying goodbye to her," says Nina.

"I mean for one thing it was super confusing. Like, 'Goodbye, Hey Bro!' just doesn't make sense."

Suddenly last year's host Osher Gunsberg appears in a puff of smoke, wanting to know if there are any jobs going because he's behind on his rent and can't even afford organic quinoa anymore.

Sadly he is informed that hosting duties have already been filled on the show this year by, variously, a toupee, a pile of leaves, a dustball, a piece of lint, some fluff, the corner of the rug, every contestant, a few assistant camermen and a small china horse on the mantelpiece, so he leaves, despondent.


Nek minit:


While the women debate vomiting, Sam makes a mad dash for the loo but is intercepted by Osher, desperate to play the role of "caring host".


Fortunately Osher has some immodium on him from his long day spent in the catering tent, so Sam chugs the whole pack and, mudslide safely arrested, heads back to the loungeroom where a third rose has magically appeared.

OH FFS, SERIOUSLY?


Well that's it for now, time to go on and READ EPISODE 12! Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE 10 again?

After spending the weekend on a diet of dry toast, water and immodium Bachelor Sam has recovered from that rose ceremony and is back on form. How do we know?



Sam may be fully recovered, but it's a different story back at the Shag Mansion where the bachelorettes are still discussing the fallout from the gassiest rose ceremony ever.


Suddenly in rocks Heather looking like Michelle from Full House 2020, in which she is an aspiring DJ who works part time at American Apparel, and presents them all with a manila envelope because clearly Osher couldn't be arsed turning up today.

"'Let's draw a little closer together',"Heather reads from the card.

"Are we going to draw a picture of Sam and he's going to draw us?" asks Sarah, and everyone falls about laughing even though this is the first time anyone has made an intelligent guess as to the theme of a date in the entire history of this show.

As it turns out that's exactly what they're going to do, so they all get into some four wheeled advertisements and spend a few minutes demonstrating how the sunroof and radio works (OMG A CAR WITH A RADIO SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY) before zooming off to "an arty district" to meet Sam.


Not everyone is happy about the group date situation, though.

"I don't want to stand around with five other females and compete for a male's attention," whines Rachel.

"It's just against every bone in my body."

In other news:


"Oy larv garn on dates where oym swept up by art and kultcha," says Sam, in exactly the way someone who loves art and culture wouldn't.

Just as he's about to go on and explain the role of art in defining the human condition, Sam is interrupted by a discarded polystyrene coffee cup which rolls into the room and announces everyone has to make artworks for an exhibition to be held that night.

Everyone immediately launches into breathless descriptions of how crap they are at art.

"My mum doesn't even hang my art on the fridge!" gasps Nina.

"The last time I drew I was 14 and I did a huge mural on my bedroom wall of Aphrodite!" says Banana, attempting to join in.


"I actually majored in studio art," says Sarah.

Remember that.

The polystyrene cup tells the bachelorettes to get into pairs, and to save confusion everyone chooses the person that looks most like them.



In a surprise akin to dipping your toe in a swimming pool and finding it a bit wet, the prize for the best artwork today is some extra time with Sam.

Banana is determined to get it.

"If someone's going to get an extension, I want it," she says.


They all head upstairs where it appears they are all going to hand wash and disinfect Osher Gunsberg's sofa.


No, actually they all have to make clay sculptures of Sam for this dumb exhibition no one's going to come to or care about.

So they start with some light sexual assault...


...before Sam kicks back in a totally natural pose on the couch:


Moving on to the next part of the challenge: doing a charcoal drawing of Sam.

"I can draw a superhero costume but I'm not sure if I can actually draw a man," says Heather.

Just a reminder:


Nina immediately gets to work on the most important part of the drawing:
While Banana puts some real fine detail into hers:


With the aid of her laser vision and mathematically precise hand movements, the Heatherbot 3000 has a real advantage, drawing the most uncannily accurate portrait of Sam the world has ever seen:


Stuck on the end of the row, Rachel is forced to make do with a side view:


Hey, what about Sarah, who majored in studio art?


Just then the producers realise that it's been at least 10 minutes since anyone consumed any champagne and/or cheese so they shepherd everyone into the middle of the room and start pelting brie at them while Sam tries to make up his mind about which drawing is the least crap.

In the end it seems Banana's attention to detail has paid off, as Sam chooses her piece as his favourite. Spying an opportunity Rachel pounces, demanding Sam name his second favourite drawing of the day.

"Oh look, they're all great for different reasons," he says diplomatically, studiously avoiding the one on which Rachel has very obviously written "FROM THE SIDE NOT FAIR" in block letters.

"NO, I WANT A SECOND BEST," she spits.

"Heather's then," he says.


Sensing she might be losing Sam's interest, Rachel pulls out her pocket copy of "Goering's Guide to Flirting", flips to chapter 11 - "Nazi Interviewing Techniques for Social Situations" - and tries another tack.

"LIFE STORY IN ONE MINUTE OR LESS," she barks.


"OK... so... I was born in Tassie, lived in Tassie for the first 20 years of my life..." he begins.


"What about you, what's your life story in under a minute?"Sam asks.

"I FEEL LIKE I'VE TOLD YOU," she barks.


Their conversation reaches Oscar winning screenplay levels when Rachel announces she has something in her teeth, and follows up with "so... um... you've just hit me with something I was interested in... no, I lost it.".


And thus ends the most boring conversation ever seen on The Bachelor.

Finally it's time for Sam and Banana to enjoy each other's extensions, so they steal away upstairs where a "Renaissance themed" picnic has been set up for them by the Society for Blind Interior Designers:


Just a reminder:


As they try not to accidentally kick over the champagne and apples, Sam decides to broach a serious topic: would Banana ever leave Perth to live with him in Melbourne? Because HA HA HA AS IF HE'D MOVE TO PERTH.

"I love Perth but I've always felt in a weird way that I don't belong there,"Banana says.

Translation: "PLEASE GOD DON'T DUMP ME SERIOUSLY I'LL DO ANYTHING."

"Obviously my family's there but I'm not attached in the sense that I would never leave," she continues.

Meanwhile:


Once it's been established that Banana will desert her family and drag her daughter to anywhere in the country in order to snag a man she's known for about six hours, collectively, she moves on to a surefire winner of a conversation topic: complaining about the Heatherbot getting a rose.

"I was really angry when the Heatherbot walked in with a rose, because it's almost like us girls getting a rose at this point means that you really think there might be something there and you want to spend time with us..."


"And you're really thinking about meeting our families and the people we care about and the fact that somebody came so late in the piece and you gave her a rose..."


"And it's almost like how can somebody so quickly turn your head?" she finishes.

"Huh?" says Sam.

Concerned she may have lost him, Banana begins an aggressive campaign of gurning and head tilting in an effort to get Sam to kiss her.








She is not successful. There will be no extensions tonight.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day at the Shag Mansion, where everyone is sitting around staring at each other in silence wondering how much longer this living hell could possibly last.

Just as Heather reaches for the knife block to quiet the voices in her head and finally end the madness, Osher strolls past the door yelling "SINGLE DATE!", chucking a manila envelope with one hand and picking up his paycheck with the other.

"'Let's indulge our senses'," reads the Heatherbot 3000 from the card inside, before adding "What, all 267 of them?"


Everyone agrees the date absolutely has to go to Nina, because as we all know she hasn't spent any time with Sam since the episode in which she sexually assaulted him on the Sydney Harbour Bridge for four minutes.

But sadly Sam continues to be as obvious as possible in his total lack of interest for Nina by ignoring her once again in favour of a third date with Sarah.


And so Sarah rushes off to meet Sam in the middle of a downpour, where he gives her a quick lesson in how not to use an umbrella.








Inside the limo Sam tells Sarah he has a present for her.


BUT WAIT!

OMG!

IT'S A PAIR OF DIAMOND EARRINGS!


Sarah's disappointment grows when Sam then takes her to the single worst place to be in the middle of a rainstorm, the Botanic Gardens, and moves on to stage two of umbrella training: advanced brolly technique.


Next minute they're inside the home decor department at the Reject Shop:


"It was all loungey with candles and there was a cheese platter there,"Sarah gushes, AS IF THAT ISN'T THE EXACT SET UP EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.

While they're both admiring the charming votive candle holders (six for $2) and Moroccan print tablecloth ($6.99, not available Rooty Hill), Sam asks Sarah if the nine years age difference between them bothers her.

"Nooooo not at all," says Sarah.

Translation: "I'm 25, I don't even think about age! Der!"

What about living together?" he asks her.

"Yeah, I'd love to live with a boyfriend!" says Sarah.


Sarah then goes on to explain that she's lived out of home for a whole three years already, and the only reason she's currently living with her mum (pardon?) is because she was poised to go to London (oh OK) until she had a dream about The Bachelor and so stayed home to audition instead (OK, pardon again?).

I am beginning to think that Sarah perhaps isn't as level headed and smart as I first thought. In fact, I am beginning to think that she is a bit mental.

Suddenly out comes an opera singer and announces she's going to sing the theme from the Pizza Hut commercial, and Sarah readies herself for her Pretty Woman moment.

"I'd never been to the opera so I had no idea what to expect," says Sarah, who not only has never been to the opera but has never heard it played on the radio, or seen it portrayed in the movies, or anything.


The lady sings, Sarah sheds a tear, Sam wells with pride at having introduced her to "kultcha", and then they kiss in the most revolting way.


It goes on and on and on and on and I literally have to cover my eyes so I'm not scarred for life.

LIST OF KISSES THAT ARE LESS REVOLTING THAN SARAH AND SAM'S KISS:






Meanwhile, finally I get to do this:


Then he gives her a bunch of flowers and she practically screams "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS!" (here's a tip, Sezz: you're on a TV show, and he didn't) and then he gives her a rose. Obviously.

And so we move onto the cocktail party where everyone is celebrating being in the final five by coming in fancy dress. How fun!

Heather has come as a decorative lamp:


Rachel has come as Janet from the Real Housewives of Melbourne:


Then Sarah comes home and everyone squeals with delight at her new Zamels earrings, which their shared boyfriend gave her!

OMG THAT'S SO.... wait. That's weird.

But enough chit chat, it's time for part two of everybody's favourite segment: "Throwing Shade with Rachel!"

"Has Sam mentioned any qualities he's looking for in a partner?" she asks.

"I think a strong, independent woman," replies Nina.

"What about someone who's interested in health and fitness?" says Rachel.

Did you guess what Brisbane's pre-eminent food blogger really meant? That's right!

"Let's put it this way, if there were a catalogue of friends, Rachel would probably be the last person I would choose out of the catalogue," says Nina, which could have been such a good burn if she hadn't said catalogue twice but oh well, we can't all be wordsmiths.

While the bachelorettes try to murder each other with their eyes Sam wheels in and out of the room to pick up different girls for "chats" outside.

"I will wait for him to approach me, as he should, because he's a man," says Rachel.

Meanwhile, watching at home:


But as there's only five women left Sam can only avoid her for so long, so eventually he takes her outside for what will no doubt be another scintillating conversation about her dead cat, or summarising his life in 60 seconds or something.

"WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN?" she barks.

"I'm looking for someone who is smart, who is creative, who is beautiful," he says.


Sadly Rachel is too busy waiting for her next opportunity to speak again and so completely misses his brilliant and unique speech about wanting a woman who is caring and beautiful.

"Any other questions for me?" he asks her.

"That's all," she says.

Look buddy, she knows you were born in Tasmania and you want a beautiful woman, what the hell else is there to know?

And thus ends the second most boring conversation ever seen on The Bachelor.

Rachel heads back to the bachelorettes and who immediately grill her about what Sam told her.

"Um... what did he say? Oh my gosh, you've put me on the spot," says Rachel, who apparently can't remember conversations she had literally two minutes ago.

"He said..... um..."Rachel continues.


"Oh my god you guys, I can't even remember what he said,"Rachel says.

Meanwhile:


Anyway enough of all of this, because...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Tonight's rose ceremony is brought to you by the Sombre Girl's Choir of Western Sydney:


* Meanwhile Osher has showed up again (they really ought to stop leaving the back door open) but without access to the official wardrobe, has had to improvise a shirt:


* "I feel like every time Sam and I hang out he kinda understands me a little bit more," says Rachel, blithely unaware that that is the entire problem.

* "For the five of you without a rose Sam has just four roses to give out," says Osher.

Nina tries to imagine how many Chiko rolls that would be, while Snezana countsoff how many members of her extended family she'd piss off if she moved to Melbourne, and Rachel just shouts "I DON'T DO MATHS I WAIT FOR MATHS TO COME TO ME!"

"It means one of you is going home tonight," yells Sam from off screen.

"And we all know who it's going to bloody be so can we hurry this shit along?"

* Hey, shall we play another round of "Throwing Shade with Rachel"?

"I'm so unclear on why Nina is so confident with her position in this house, has she not seen the calibre of women that she's up against?" says Rachel.


* Heather gets a rose. Nina gets a rose. Banana gets a rose.

Suddenly it's down to two: Rachel the food blogger, and the Heatherbot 3000, a possible terminator made by Skynet.

"Sam would basically have to have a lobotomy to keep Rachel around," says Heather.


But Sam's grey matter appears to be intact, as he decides he'd rather spend time getting to know a cyborg on a possible death mission than spend a single minute more with Rachel.

And so the Heatherbot 3000 wheels forward to get her rose, her console lights blinking with happiness, as Rachel stumbles out the door in search for some canapes to Instagram.

"I think Sam could have made a little more effort," she says in the limo.

"I've never made an effort in my life!"


Well that's it for now - best go on and READ EPISODE 13! Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE 11 again.

We rejoin our bachelorettes in the Shag Mansion's sunroom of doom, where they're all discussing the long and arduous journey they've all endured to get to the final five.

Well, everyone except the Heatherbot, who only rocked up a few weeks ago.

"She will NEVER understand how hard it has been to get to this point," says Nina, a single tear rolling down her cheek.


Suddenly two stagehands with a sack truck wheel in a brand new waxwork of Osher Gunsberg, which was ordered to save on production costs.


"Ladies, you... two days... Sam..." burbles a tape recording inside the waxwork, before one of the stagehands kicks it in the shins.

"YOU WILL ALL SPEND THE NEXT TWO DAYS WITH SAM IN A LUXURIOUS BEACH HOUSE," it says again.


"This will be your last opportunity to deepen your relationship with Sam before four of you take him home to meet your family," says the waxwork.


And so the five of them troop off to the beach where it is absolutely pissing down with rain.

Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Forty-eight hours in a beach house in a torrential downpour with your boyfriend and his four other girlfriends!

Who may also be starting a motorcycle gang!


But no sooner have they all sat down in their leather jackets and blankets for a tasty glass of orange juice Sam has buggered off with the Heatherbot to a driving range, because playing golf is exactly what I'd want to do in the middle of a thunderstorm too.

Fortunately the Heatherbot has remembered to wear a hat to protect her complex circuitry from the rain.


But the ridiculous hat does nothing to deter Sam, who has already decided the Heatherbot is his dream woman.

"I'm typically attracted to women that are smarter than me," he says.


After the Heatherbot helps Sam out with his stick and balls they sit down for (yawn) "a chat".

"How are yew still single?" marvels Sam.


"So... how do you feel about me?"Sam asks.

What follows is two and half minutes of the Heatherbot awkwardly summarising the last few episodes in lieu of actually expressing any sort of emotion.

"Weeellll.... I FEEL....." she begins.


"When we had our first chat and I kind of felt like, butterflies, I suppose?" she says, before adding "Is that the phrase you humans use? Butterflies? In the intestines, yes?"

"I don't think we've had an awkward moment,"Sam marvels.

Luckily for the Heatherbot, Sam is too thick to notice her obvious sidestepping of the question, so her mission to enslave him, have his robot babies and take over the human race remains on track.

"You REALLY impressed me from the moment you first walked around the corner," says Sam, practically humping her leg.


"I can see if we ever ended up together we'd never run out of things to say," he says.


"I really feel like spending time with you would make me a better person," says Sam, in one last desperate attempt to get the Heatherbot to express some emotion.

"Awww. That's a... nice thing," says the Heatherbot.


The music swells, the lighting dims, her carbon fibre exoskeleton stiffens and I do this:


I'd like to take this moment to point out that by this point in season two, bachelor Blake's tally board looked like this:


Moving on to Banana, and Sam has chosen the perfect activity for a downpour: walking in it.


With home visits looming, Sam decides he broach an important topic: KULTCHA.

"Was your daughter brought up in the European way?" he asks.

"What, poor and with no prospect of stable future employment?" says Banana.

Then he asks her what cultural differences he can expect going into a Macedonian family.






After a nice romantic walk in the freezing rain they settle in for an even more romantic afternoon of... looking at photos of Banana's daughter!


"When Banana showed me the photo, the enormity of the situation dawned on me," says Sam, who apparently never realised that all this time when she was talking about her daughter, she meant her DAUGHTER.


But Sam's mood quickly changes as Banana flips through the photos.

"This is her at a cafe, and this is us in Paris," she says.

"And this is at our house in Europe..."

Say what now?


Sam somehow manages to resist the urge to jump up in the air, Toyota style, shouting "EUROPEAN HOLIDAY HOUSE COME AT ME!", instead settling for a quiet smile and an arm around Banana's shoulder. Such discipline.

Next up is Heather, who has for some reason dressed like Sam's mentally challenged younger sister to go to lunch at a Teppanyaki restaurant.


Even the chef is unimpressed.


After a pleasurable 20 minutes of having fish and rice thrown at their heads by a surly chef they retire to the lounge area for "a chat" (yawn again), where Sam says he's keen to explore Heather's softer, feminine side.

"AW JEEZ DUDE I COULD GO A BEER," barks Heather, before leaning forward and cracking out a fart.


Heather then reveals she is "terrified" about Sam's potential visit to her family home, mainly because she apparently doesn't have one.

"I don't have a family home, there's not going to be two parents sitting at a table chatting," she says.

Sorry, have I missed something here? Apart from that one time a million episodes ago where she revealed her dad had died, I feel like this concept of Heather being a homeless orphan is a little out of left field.

Also, given Sam's own mother is also dead, I feel like he'd be the last person to be concerned about the lack of two parents in any given family situation.

"We never have any awkwardness,"Sam says.

"YEAH MAN IT'S TOTES HECTIC AY," barks Heather, spitting onto the floor before shouting "YOUR ROUND, DICKHEAD."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc... and we're back at the Shag Shack (that's the beach house) where all the bachelorettes are doing their best not to pass the Bechdel Test by talking about Sam again.

"Does anyone feel weird making out with a guy we've all made out with?" asks Heather.


"I definitely don't feel like the Heatherbot has stolen his heart, not for a second," says Heather.

"When I'm with him I know that's not true," she continues.

I'm not sure, but I think this could turn out to be bitterly poignant at some point in the future.

Anyway moving on to Sarah's date (this whole "two days in a beach house" thing has been a massive waste of time, hasn't it? What was the fucking point?) which is taking place in a...

Oh look, you know the drill by now.


"I feel like Sarah tries to tell me as much as she can with a look," says Sam.




"I want a partner, but I also want a man," says Sarah, which puts paid to the "lesbian chic" look she's currently rocking.

Then they pash and honestly, I'll spare you a picture.


Moving on to the final date with Nina, and Sam has clearly gone all out for this one:


"With Nina I feel like I'm still having the same thoughts that I did when I first met her,"Sam says.


"I'm really worried that I might get sent home without Sam seeing all the sides of me that I want him to see,"Nina says.


"So is there anyone in your family I should be worried about meeting?"Sam asks her.

"I reckon I should be worried about mum trying to cut me grass,"Nina barks.


They enjoy a good 15 minutes standing in the rain catching zero fish before moving on to the next exhilarating part of the date...


Actually it's not cheese, it's fish and chips, fresh in the Barnacle Bill's box. Like I said, he's really turned it on for Nina.

"From the first time I met you I loved your big... energy... and your big... smile and your big... personality," says Sam.


"You're strong and you're opinionated and you don't hold back," says Sam, words that no man has ever, ever said to a woman they want to shag.

"I DO HAVE MY QUIET TIMES, I'M NOT ALWAYS ON," gasps Nina, but it seems like it may be too late. The writing is on the wall.

"Do you feel fireworks with us?"Sam asks.

"Yeah I do!" gushes Nina, lying through her teeth.


"Yeah I definitely can see it going somewhere between us," says Nina, leaving claw marks in the bottom of the barrel she's in.

"OK," says Sam.

The two of them return to their boxes of fish and chips, and not another word is spoken.

Doobly doo blah blah wavy etc and we're back at the Shag Mansion for the cocktail party.

Wow, that beach getaway was a great change of scene, wasn't it? It was so nice to see them all sit on a couch in a different house for once.

"Oy've got a roolly big decision to make about which girls oym garna go do home visits with," says Sam for what could well be the five millionth time this episode.

YES WE KNOW, YOU HAVE TO SEND SOMEONE HOME WITHOUT MEETING THEIR FAMILY, WE GET IT. Anyway we all know you're going to send Nina home so just fucking get on with it.

"Instead of moy grabbing you girls and taking you out for a chat oym going to leave it in your hands - it's entoirely up to you," says Sam.

"I don't know about anyone else but I don't feel like I need to, I feel so good about the time I've spent with you, I'm completely comfortable," says Heather.


The Heatherbot 3000 wheels him away for some private time, which she cunningly uses to give him a brain scan and determine that he doesn't have one, followed by Banana whose conversation must have been even more boring as we don't even get to see it.

And with that, the least eventful cocktail party of all time comes to a close, meaning...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* But first, the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's new grindhouse film "Girl Kill Squad":


* Suddenly in walks Roger Ramjet:


* "JOURNEY blah blah blah HOME TOWNS blah blah blah ALUMINIUM SIDING," says Roger Ramjet.

Sadly no one pays any attention because they're all too creeped out by a haunted doll that's just materialised on the mantelpiece:


* "Five of you, four roses, yada yada," says Roger Ramjet, as the doll shouts "ONE OF YOU MUST DIE!"


* The Heatherbot 3000 gets a rose. Banana gets a rose. Sarah gets a rose. And so it comes down to two: Nina the one who seriously thinks she has a chance with Sam despite spending approximately 45 minutes in his company in the past 13 weeks, and Heather version 1.0.

"Heather," says Sam, before adding "Like, der."

Well Nina, that axe fell about 10 episodes later than anyone expected. Any final words?


OK, that's it. Time to go on and READ EPISODE 14. Or go back and READ EPISODE 12 again - it was a good one.

Well, this is it people. After 13 episodes, approximately 3700 litres of champagne, 270 packets of brie and two promotional gifts from Zamels we've arrived at the final four.


"They're all so different and so hard to compare," says Sam, before adding: "Except Heather and the Heatherbot, obviously. They're like, exactly the same. Except one's better."

As is customary at this point in the series, tonight's episode will see the bachelorettes finally exiting the Shag Mansion to return to their "home towns" (a concept that works marginally better in America, a country that has more than eight cities) to introduce Sam to their families.

And so we begin with Heather in Brisbane, who is so nervous about the situation that she has started imaginary binge eating.


Heather kicks things off by bringing Sam to some sort of lookout.

"You're probably wondering why I've brought you to a mountain," she says.


Assuming he is there to stage some sort of re-enactment Sam immediately reaches for his fly, but before he can get very far Heather has dragged him away to a restaurant.

"I'm about to show him things that I haven't shown to past boyfriends," she says, and Sam reaches for his fly again, until she brings out a photo of her dead dad.

"Before he died we would always come up here for scones and hot chocolate and this was his favourite place," says Heather.


"Because we came up here all the time we decided that this would be the place where we would spread his ashes, so this is my way of introducing you to my dad,"Heather continues.

"Dad, this is Sam."


For reasons that are sort of unclear, and that actually seem a bit sad, Heather doesn't have any family for Sam to meet, so instead he will meet a bloke called Warwick whose farm she used to work on.

Sam reacts to this news in the same way he has reacted to everything so far:


"I should probably give you a heads up about Warwick," says Heather ominously.

"He's very protective of me and he's an incredible judge of character."


But that's enough of all this scones and chatter - there are things to do!

Sam has to meet Heather's adopted family.

Heather has to convince Sam not to dump her for continually calling him "dude".

Plus she also has to rehearse for her upcoming role in the West Brisbane Amateur Players' recreation of Michael Jackson's Thriller video:


But right now it's time to meet Warwick, the scariest man in Brisbane, so off they troop to Sam's inevitable doom.

This is Warwick.


He is six foot four, runs a farm, and doesn't suffer bullshit. He also appears to be the sort of person who might not be enthused by the idea of a reality television show where a pretty boy is fawned over by 20 women for 16 weeks.

"So what do you know about horses, Sam?" he barks.

Wisely deciding against the answer "fuck all", Sam tells him he's from Tasmania, which is sort of like someone asking what your favourite food is and you responding by telling them how old you are.

"Good judge of character, horses," says Warwick.


It is then revealed that Warwick's nickname for Heather is "Half Pint".

"I might come up with a name for you by the end of the day," he tells Sam.


"You might not be laughing so much then," he concludes.


Things deteriorate even more when Sam tries to help Warwick climb over his own fence ("mate, please don't do that, it's just embarrassing"), creating the perfect lead-in for a totally comfortable, breezy, not-at-all-awkward night of drinks and conversation...


"I kind of didn't go into this expecting anything, I just thought it would be a really interesting adventure," says Heather, trying desperately to move the conversation along.

"I didn't expect Sam to be awesome," she says.

"I actually thought he'd be a bit of a douche," she continues.


"But then he ended up being a legend," she finishes.


"It's so far out of both of our comfort zones," says Sam, surprisingly referring to being on the show and not this dinner party which is hurtling southward in flames faster than the Hindenburg.

"Well a comfort zone is just a prison of our own making," says Warwick calmly, sipping on his beer.


Just as Sam is looking around the room for where Ashton Kutcher is hiding, Warwick demands he "come outside for a little chat".


And thus begins the job interview from hell.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" barks Warwick, who seems to have learned conversational techniques from military interrogation tactics.

"HOW MUCH OF YOUR DECISION MAKING IS MADE FROM THE RIGHT PLACE ?"

"GO THROUGH THE FINAL FOUR AND TELL ME WHY YOU CONNECT TO EACH ONE."

Sadly Sam has to exit the conversation early, because he's got to get to his audition for the Outer Bundaberg Repertory's upcoming production of Grease.


But before he goes, Heather makes one last ditch bid for a rose by being as romantic as she knows how.

"I'M GONNA MISS YOU A SHITLOAD," she says.

Unsurprisingly, given he has just spent an entire evening being interrogated by Brisbane's answer to Robert De Niro's character in "Meet the Parents", Sam isn't feeling too romantic but he gives her a pash just to shut her up.


Moving on to Berowra in NSW, home of the laboratory that created the Heatherbot 3000. 

She's chosen to show Sam the sights before he meets the scientists that created her, so they've come to the Berowra valley lookout.


After taking in the incredible views of "grey" (the Heatherbot correctly assesses it as Pantone 664C) they both decide to escape before the fog plays havoc with her circuitry so the two of them do something completely different:

"I've been coming here since I was a kid, but I've never sat out here like this," says the Heatherbot, adding "It's not good for my spark plugs to be this close to the water."
Overcome by talk of plugs Sam reaches over and pashes her FOR THE LONGEST TIME and there are sound effects that sound like someone squashing an orange and it's just so revolting.


But they can't hang out making squishy orange noises on the lake forever, it's time to meet the Heatherbot's "mother", who is waiting for them in the car and appears to be called Pandora:


The two have a long overdue catch up, bleeping and blooping happily at each other for several minutes before the Heatherbot's lights flash on her console and she remembers it's time to go to the lab, where they're greeted by the head scientist and chief of robotics.


"Sam, I'd just like to take you downstairs and show you... a few little things... downstairs," says the scientist, as everyone looks at each other shiftily.

"DON'T TAKE HIM TO THE CELLAR!" shrieks the Heatherbot.


Unfortunately we'll never know what delights are in the cellar because Sam ends up on the couch in the downstairs living room instead, being grilled by the head of robotics at Berowra Tech.

"You don't live in New South Wales, so how is this going to work?" she asks him.

"I mean, the Heatherbot can't ever be more than 15km away from her base station, so..."


But after a few glasses of champagne (coolant for the Heatherbot) and a pash...


...it's time for Sam to go to Mornington, Victoria, where Sarah is practicing laughter therapy on a jetty.

"HA HA HA hiiiii you look HA HA HA great! Oh my gosh HA HA HA!" she says in response to Sam doing nothing particularly interesting.

"Today I've planned a really simple date, just grabbing a picnic basket and sitting on the beach," she says, seemingly unaware that that is the exact description of at least 70 per cent of the dates Sam has planned this season.

Hey, I hope they have some...


Keen to ignite the fires of romance, Sarah pulls the blanket close, snuggles in next to Sam and starts talking about when they should have children.

"I wasn't sure what your timeframe was, if you wanted children in the next year," she says.

"No, no, no, there is no timeline," says Sam, laughing,


Relieved at the news that she won't have to get preggo and pop out a kid at the next rose ceremony, Sarah starts digging her own grave by explaining all the things she wants to do do in the next five years, namely: shit you do when you're 25.

"I want to go travelling with my partner and have adventures," she gushes, as Sam ponders his possible future as a 40-year-old backpacker.

Meanwhile:


Next it's time to head to Sarah's family home to meet HER ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY:


"Samuel, come and help me collect some herbs for dinner," says Sarah's mum, leading him into their custom designed vegetable garden complete with wrought iron gates and pear sculpture.

It is about this point that it becomes clear that Sarah's mother may actually be Prue and/or Trude from Kath and Kim, and that her whole family lives in an edition of Vogue Living.

"If your personality was an animal, what animal would you say you were?" she asks Sam as he carefully trims a capsicum and places it in her hand-woven wicker basket (Bed, Bath and Table $79.95).



He says labrador, possibly because of their tendency to slobber on you and hump your leg, and they both head in for dinner where Sarah's siblings start grilling him with tough questions.

"Do you know what you want?" asks her sister.

"Why is Sarah in the final four?" asks her brother.

Meanwhile, granny is at the end of the table like:


Dinner goes well, everyone is exceptionally normal, there's a pash at the door...


...and we fly across the country to Perth, to where Banana and Sam are busy recreating a Calvin Klein commercial on the beach:


Banana explains the day's itinerary which includes a walk on the beach, a visit to the park to meet her daughter and "a big fat European wedding", a verbal slip-up so hysterically funny they laugh about it for approximately 10 minutes before falling to the ground where they have to be given CPR to recover.

They quickly shoot a few frames for a Tag Heuer commercial...


...and then it's off to the park to meet Banana's kid, who is apparently the prophet of doom.

"Her opinion counts and if she doesn't like him, then..." says Banana, her voice trailing off.

Then what?

THEN WHAT?


So anyway they get to the park and Baby Banana (let's call her Chiquita) runs up to her mum who she hasn't seen in about six years since this show began and they hug and it's very emotional and no I'm not crying I've just gone for a walk in the rain while chopping onions...


Banana starts crying and Chiquita starts crying and all I can think is: wait until she finds out they might have to move to Melbourne to live with a random bloke.


"Chiquita and I have been a twosome for as long as I can remember," says Banana, which not only suggests that Sam has his work cut out being a third wheel in this relationship, but also that she may have a significant memory loss problem.

"I want to ask you some things," announces Chiquita, and we know it has arrived.

The moment of truth has come.

What follows will no doubt be a series of cryptic questions each more devilish than the last, and if Sam fails to answer any of them correctly - SPIKE TIME.

"So," she begins.

"What's the capital of Macedonia?


Sam passes the quiz and, safe from beheading, heads to Banana's family home where Perth's annual Macedonian food festival is being held in the dining room.


"So Sam, how is Banana going to cope if you took her away? She needs this much food once a week, HA HA HA," jokes Banana's brother.

"I reckon I'll have to move to Perth, HA HA HA," jokes Sam.

"No seriously, would you move to Perth?" says the late night SBS announcer who's just wandered into the room.


"Well I think if Banana and I do end up together, er... we need to have an adult, pragmatic talk about, er..." says Sam.


"You know, I have a business in Melbourne, I can't just pack up my things and move, and, er..."


"We understand you've got an eight year old business, but she's got an eight year old daughter," snips Banana's brother.


Things get even more real when Banana's brother takes Sam outside for "a chat" and starts acting like Marlon Brando in The Godfather, despite being the youngest person there.

"So, are you planning to take her from the family?" he asks.


Sam is taken slightly off guard, but little bro has only just begun.

"You're falling for my sister? How much can you fall for her in that amount of time, with three other girls on the side?" he asks.
"You're 34, yeah? You think you're old enough to be a father to an eight year old girl?

"Will you be able to turn that switch from being a single guy dating women on a TV show to all of a sudden settling down and having another life that you're responsible for?

"How are you going to find time for both work, my sister, my niece and - god willing - further kids down the track? Are you willing to push back work and give my sister and niece the time they deserve?"

Yes, he actually said "god willing".


Meanwhile on the other side of the house Banana is talking to her sister about Sam.

"So, what did you think?" she gushes excitedly.

"Yeah... he's... nice," says her sister.

"But I've only known him five seconds. You've obviously known him... er... a bit longer."

It becomes quite obvious at this point that no one in Banana's family thinks this Bachelor thing is a good idea, and that all of them view the concept of going on a national TV show to form a harem for a strange man with strong suspicion.

Weirdos.

"I guess it's only been three dates, so when you put it like that it sounds really bizarre," laughs Banana.

"Yeah. And he's been on other dates, with other chicks?" asks her sister.

"Yeah!" laughs Banana.


"When you kiss him, aren't you looking at his lips thinking 'who's been on those lips'? How can you not think that? That's not normal," she continues

"Well, we are close, all the girls," says Banana, beginning to mount a defence.


"I think they like you!"Banana gushes as she sees Sam out the door.


Sensing this might be his last chance to stick his tongue down Banana's throat without any repercussions from her family, Sam sticks his tongue down Banana's throat.



And with all four home visits finished, Sam heads back to the Shag Mansion where he grabs his generic tablet device to brush up for his final test - the rose ceremony.


After catching up on Facebook (and OMG there's no way that dress is white and gold) he fires up Tinder to see if there's any action to be had in the vicinity.

Meanwhile all four bachelorettes are busy occupying themselves with pointless photogenic tasks.

Heather is wandering the verandah like an extra from a Red Tulip commercial:


Sarah is helping the cameraman find his focus point:


The Heatherbot 3000 is helping to prop up the front door after a white ant scare:


And Banana is testing a new pharmaceutical sedative in the garden.


But it's time to head inside, because...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Sadly the bachelorettes' attempt to recreate the flag of Yemen is ruined when the Heatherbot rocks up wearing blue.

* Meanwhile, the Heatherbot is annoyed that no one got her "wear a crazy wig to the rose ceremony" memo.


* Suddenly a moth flaps in through the window, lands on a lamp and starts giving a speech.

"Taking Sam into your homes, giving him a glimpse into your life outside the mansion, introducing him to those people in your life that mean the most to you, these are all huge steps on your path to finding love, and I'm sure this week you felt a lot of emotion, however Sam felt the same emotion four times over so tonight he needs to make a decision which will no doubt be painful because..."


* The four women look at the three roses on the plate. They look at each other. They look back at the roses. Approximately 17 minutes passes.

"Hey, there aren't enough roses!" cries Sarah.

* Sarah gets the first rose. Banana gets the second rose.

You know what that means.


Finally, it's all come down to this: the ultimate battle between Heather and her robot clone, scientifically manufactured to be at least 30 per cent more appealing than her in every respect.

Heather has put up a strong 14 episodes, in which she has come up with at least four new alternatives to the word "dude", but can she compete with a sexy fembot that can speak Spanish?

The air is thick.

So thick, in fact, that Sam can taste it.


He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and opens his mouth

"The Heatherbot," he says.


This is basically the Bachelor equivalent of this:


So... um.

I mean.

Heather is OK about not getting a rose though, right?


"Heather, you did not receive a rose," says Osher Gunsberg, who's rocks into the room eating half a ham sandwich he stole from the catering tent before being shooed out again by the director's assistant.

"Can I ask why?"Heather sobs into Sam's shoulder.


Sam embarks on a long and complicated story about his feelings and their relationship and emotions which can ultimately be edited down to one word:


And so as the Heatherbot wheels a victory lap around the living room, her lights flashing morse code for "VICTORY", her carbon original makes the sad, slow walk to the limo of doom.

Farewell, dude. You were super annoying to start with, but I really came to like you, man. It's been totes hectic knowing you.


Well, it's fair to say that episode almost killed me. If I can recover I'll return to do episode 15, but no promises.

In the meantime, whet your thirst by reading EPISODE 13 again.

This episode begins on the edge of a cliff where, having just said goodbye to the only bachelorette with a personality, Sam is considering throwing himself into the ocean.



Having whittled 21 women down to just three, he's got a "roolly big" decision to make about which one to boot next, and he's going to spend the next hour telling us all about it.

"The women are so different, they're so unique," says Sam.






The issue is weighing so heavy on his mind, Sam immediately does what anyone would when faced with a difficult decision: he immediately takes his shirt off and starts shooting an ad for Grindr in the shower.


With the stench of failure finally washed off, Sam jumps in his very impressive rented sports car that comes with its own "Engine Sound Effects" CD and drives off to meet Banana, who is looking resplendent in a cape she made herself:




Still, it beats this one:


"It was white, it was loud, it was fast," says Banana as they hoon away, and I'm only partly certain she's referring to the Lamborghini.

They arrive at some penthouse apartment somewhere for no reason other than to stand on the balcony for 10 minutes and look at the Opera House as Sam announces "I'm taking you over there tonight".

Dude, you could have saved yourself the trouble and just announced this in the car.

Naturally Banana reacts to this news as if she's just been told she's won $20 million in cash to be hand delivered by Channing Tatum bungee jumping naked through the skylight.


"But we need to be dressed at our best, so I got you a little present," says Sam, handing Banana a new ballgown in what is a masterful bit of shade.


Fortunately Banana has brought along a hair and makeup team in her handbag so she scrubs up and they head off to the Opera House where Sam has arranged for them to watch a special ballet performance.

On their own.

In the main theatre.

"We've got the whole place to ourselves!"Sam announces, as if this is a good thing.


The lights dim, and two ballet dancers come out and try as hard as possible not to exert themselves in any way for a full two and a half minutes.


Performing the "Valium Suite" from their upcoming ballet "Nyquil: The Musical", the dancers traipse about the stage breathing and occasionally lifting an arm.

It is truly entrancing.

Things get vaguely animated when they perform this rare move, known as "the bum sniff":


Meanwhile, in the stalls:


Suddenly remembering that they're paying for it by the hour, the two hurry back to their penthouse apartment where Sam makes a round of espresso martinis and begins his best negging routine to get Banana into bed.

"If someone had asked me 'what are you looking for?' I wouldn't have described you," he says.

What, you wouldn't have said "a single mother of one who lives on the opposite side of the country"? Weird.

Not to be outdone, Banana launches into a speech about how hard and not very fun a relationship with a mother of a young child will be.

"You know when you're a new couple and you go away and you go on dates and it's spur of the moment - it would be different with me, it wouldn't be so easy to do things like that," she says.


Suddenly the espresso martini kicks in and Banana shouts "I LOVED THE WAY YOU SURPRISED ME IN THE LAMBORGHINI" which makes me think there's a much more exciting version of their date somewhere on the editing room floor.

"TEQUILA SHOTS!" she shouts before gently sliding under the coffee table.

And so we move on to Sam's next date with the Heatherbot 3000, who over the last 24 hours has downloaded the entirety of Wikipedia into her mainframe to better understand human emotion and, as a result, has just discovered the concept of nostalgia.

In an attempt to harness this ethereal wistfulness and turn it to her advantage, she arrives for their date dressed as Sam's favourite childhood video game character, Carmen Sandiego.


Sam announces they're going on a seaplane and for once she doesn't respond by telling him all about the time she went on a seaplane in Bali or Mexico or Paris or anywhere better and more sophisticated than here.

They fly to some beach somewhere and tuck into some champagne and cheese...


...and spend at least 10 minutes talking about how much they miss each other, even though they're standing right in front of each other. It goes a bit like this:

SAM: Oyve missed you.

HEATHERBOT: I've missed you.

SAM: Oyve missed how oysie it is to talk to ya.

HEATHERBOT: *bleep bloop*

SAM: Oym sao happy ta be here with ya.

HEATHERBOT: SYSTEM ERROR OVERHEAT MALFUNCTION PC LOAD LETTER.

The conversation is so mind numbingly dull that they pash just to relieve the boredom.


"The Heatherbot and oy always have great conversations, but for the next part of our date oy wanted to mix things up a little bit," says Sam.

In other words: "I am so bored of talking with this chick, I've planned an activity where neither of us has to speak."


Sadly, while a ball gag does not appear to be on the menu it does seem as though the two of them will be experiencing some amount of pain, as they strap themselves to an inflatable raft to be dragged at top speed behind a boat.


Just a reminder: Sam gave Banana a new dress, then took her to the ballet and made her espresso martinis.

After enduring the date equivalent of a Jackass episode, the Heatherbot returns to shore and sets herself on "spin cycle" to rid her circuitry of any excess water before sitting down to dinner with Sam.

Sam asks her if she could see herself living in Melbourne, and after an awkward discussion about what constitutes "living", philosophically speaking, she says yes.

"What about you, could you see yourself living in Sydney?" she asks him.


Sensing she may be losing him, the Heatherbot launches into an epic speech professing her feelings - or at least, what she understands feelings to be.

"I feel as though I gravitate towards you on an intellectual level, on a physical level and we have fantastic communication and I feel it's so important to be able to speak your mind and speak your emotions and I'm not holding anything back emotionally and honestly every time I'm with you I fall for you and you make falling for you so easy you know and it's been good," she says.


"I think you communicate better than any girl I've ever been in a relationship with," says Sam, which may be the most romantic thing to come out of anyone's mouth since Joe Hockey announced the federal budget.

Meanwhile, Sam's former girlfriends are watching at home like:






Fortunately for Sam the Heatherbot isn't upset, she's just happy her recent communication software upgrade has been a success.


"This date has been all about how the Heatherbot loves the water, so after dinner I cheekily suggested a midnight swim," says Sam.

Translation:
Then they pash FOR AGES.

I'm not even joking, it goes on and on and on and on for honestly 20 minutes and if you can think of anything more revolting that a man slobbering all over a fembot in a pool while he rubs his groin against her THEN YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE A PERVERTED IMAGINATION.


And so we move on, hoping that whoever cleans that house the next day also disinfects the pool, to Sam's next date with Sarah.

With her date falling as it does during book week, Sarah has shown up in costume as mid 19th century literary figure and fictional embodiment of the effect of industrialisation on 1800s English society, Silas Marner.


"She's such an incredible girl and she looked just beautiful," says Sam.

"No, wait... sorry. Not beautiful - dreadful. That's what I meant, sorry."

Fortunately Sarah doesn't hear him, as she is busy practising her act for the upcoming Bachelor talent night with ex-contestant Heather:


For some reason Sam has turned up in a horse and carriage, which isn't particularly cool but does compliment Sarah's bizarre 1850s get-up quite nicely.

They set off down the road and it looks very much like Sarah is leading a tourist along on a Ye Olde Worlde Ghost Tour of the Sydney countryside.


They finally get to an old farmhouse where Sam, just for something different, has planned an afternoon of wine and cheese.

Sarah is upset, not only because she's developed serious digestion problems after weeks on end of nothing but pinot grigio and brie, but because she was hoping to treat Sam to a performance of her one woman version of The Crucible.


"So, do you think you might know which girl you're going to choose in the end?"Sarah asks, adjusting her hat to be even more jaunty on her head.

"Um... I'm still... working that out," says Sam, which is another way of saying "No, but it definitely isn't you."

It is at this point that Sarah develops an instant and wholly consuming interest in china:


Things get even more awkward when they try to have a conversation and realise they're not very good at it.

"It's almost as if when we speak we're interrupting the peace here,"Sarah laughs nervously.

"Oh yeah it's, er... it's so peaceful out here,"Sam says.

"Yeah... good," says Sarah.

Sam coughs.

Somewhere, a dog barks.

Meanwhile:


Hey, you know what will save this situation?


Loosened up by Edam, Sarah decides to go for broke and really let Sam know how she feels.

"I think the reason why I haven't opened up so much is because I am falling for you and it's hard to be completely vulnerable because I don't want to get hurt and the more time I spend with you the closer I feel we're getting and I can see us being in a relationship together and I think there's something really special here but I ..."


Fortunately Osher Gunsberg is on hand with an adrenalin shot to wake Sam up, but it's too late. He's missed Sarah's heartfelt speech. Will he give her a rose anyway?

Spolier alert: Nope.

But before we head to the final rose ceremony, there's just one more task to be done: Sam has to design a wedding ring 

engagement ring 

I wanna fuck you ring 

commitment ring for his favourite lady!

It's diamond! It's sparkly! It's...


Meanwhile back at the house, the cocktail party is in full swing with all four parties hanging out on their own in separate parts of the house feeling shitty. It's just like my family Christmas dinner every year.

Faced with the prospect of potentially having to spend more time with Sam, all three bachelorettes are seeking solace in drink:





* Meanwhile, inside, Sam is passing the time until he can get rid of Sarah by surfing the internet.


But anyway that's enough fannying about. It's the pointy end of the competition now, so let's get on with it.

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Sensing she may be soon for the boot, Banana takes advantage of her last five minutes of screen time by auditioning for the role of backing singer for upcoming DVD "Yanni Live at the Acropolis II":


* Meanwhile, Sarah may not know much about china, but her skills with the Bedazzler are unparalleled, as demonstrated by the plastic crystals hot glued to her ear.


* The Heatherbot 3000 gets a rose and is all like "bleep bloop boing".

And then it's down to two: Banana, the one Sam took to the ballet and gave a ballgown to and made cocktails for and drooled all over, and Sarah, the one who... wore that hat.

I think we all know what's going to happen here.


And so, proving once again that I never pick the winner of any reality TV show ever, my pick for the win departs without a rose and wanders out the door to the limo of doom.

Oh well, Sarah.

Any final words?


Well that's it - we're down to the final two now! It's the ultimate smackdown between a delicious fruity snack and a lethal robot from the future - Banana or the Heatherbot, who will win?

Go on and READ EPISODE 16 - THE GRAND FINALE! Or delay the inevitable, go back and READ EPISODE 14 again.