Bland Canyon

We rejoin our blokes in the Shag Mansion rumpus room, where everyone is having a totally spontaneous and unscripted conversation about who might be getting the next date with Sam.

"I really wanna get that single date, that's the gold right there, that's the one you want to be on," says Richie, who is clearly going to get the next single date because editing.

Suddenly in barges Osher Gunsberg sporting the latest in picnic accessories from Harris Scarfe:

Only $21.99 - and comes with matching napkins!

"There's certainly a lot less of you now, isn't there?" says Osher, surveying the room.

You can tell that Alex (feminist, sex beast and grammar pedant) really wants to shout "FEWER" here but is too polite.

"You guys are clearly here because you've made a great impression on Sam," continues Osher.

"Well, some of you anyway."

"Date card, blah blah blah, whatever," says Osher and chucks the envelope at Alex who instantly defies the laws of nature and becomes 60 per cent hotter by doing an impression of Sean Connery.

"'I like my martinis shaken not stirred'," he reads in a sexy Scottish brogue.

"My god, you're dreamy."

Alex reveals that not one but two men will be going on the date, which makes it the Bachelorette's first official threesome. Congratulations Sam!

"'Tonight you'll need to play your cards right for one single rose',"Alex reads from the card.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" gasps Sasha, who has somehow failed to connect the concepts of James Bond and playing cards to work out that they will probably be dressing up like James Bond and playing cards.

Not that he has to worry about it, because it turns out the date is for Davey, the slightly annoying carpenter who spends every episode trying to convince Sam that he's not a ladies man even though she doesn't care, and Tony, the "airline cabin manager" who has literally done nothing of interest this entire series except take his shirt off that one time.

Not that I'm necessarily complaining about that.

"Only one of you is coming back," says Osher dramatically, but before he has a chance to explain what this might mean in terms of fatalities, the pager in his pocket starts vibrating to let him know his quinoa smoothie is ready at the vegan deli down the street, so he gives Alex a quick kiss and runs out the door.

Next minute, Davey and Tony have thrown on their best Peter Shearer and are riding in a boat.

Good to see Macklemore found a new job, BTW.

No one falls overboard and drowns, meaning Osher's prophecy is yet to come true, so the duo scoot over to a larger boat to meet Sam who greets them by shouting "HIIII GUYYYYS!" and giving them both a hug, just like a real Bond girl.

Sam pours some champagne and Davey asks for his to be "shaken, not stirred", impressing everyone with his superior knowledge of 007.

With their swanky suits and shaken up champagne there's only one thing left to do to complete the picture of Bond-esque luxury: a sharp game of cards on the deck.

But after a 10 minute argument which includes the sentences "No, a royal flush can be different colours!" and "What the hell is a straight?" it becomes apparent that no one actually knows how to play poker, so they all have to settle for a game of roulette - aka "rich people chocolate wheel".

"There's no skill to this you morons, just put some fucking chips down."

"I think we should make things interesting," says Sam, a sentence she fails to follow up with any suggestion of clothing removal and/or sexual activity, so her definition of "interesting" differs from mine.

"Davey is red, Tony is black, and whoever wins gets some private time with me," she says.

Given that there are only four people on the boat, and one of them is only interested in when his next smoke break is, I'd suggest pretty much all the time they have together is "private", but nevertheless the boys are excited at the prospect.

"Alright here we go guys," says the croupier who could not give less of a shit about this entire situation.

"OHHH IT'S BLACK I LOVE IT!" yells Sam as the ball comes to rest, high-fiving Tony like he's just won the meat tray.

And, in a sense...

The two walk out onto the deck, leaving Davey alone inside to play with his balls.

Ball.

I mean the roulette ball.

Outside, Sam is making the most of her "private time" with Tony by politely listening to him bang on at length about how great he is.

"Blah blah blah here for the right reasons," says Tony.

"Blah blah blah genuine," says Tony.

"Blah blah blah heaps better than Davey," says Tony.

"I wonder if that croupier is single..."

"I really wanna get to know Sam and there's a part of me she hasn't seen yet," says Tony.

OK, we're listening...

Not picking up on Sam's yawning or looking at her watch, Tony continues reading out his emotional CV.

"I'm here to play on my strengths, and I guess my strength is my maturity," he says, while Sam swoons uncontrollably at the unbridled romanticism on display.

"He's just so MATURE!"

But the charm doesn't stop there, with Tony going on to declare "I'm a really affectionate guy, I'm always holding and touching" and then demonstrating it by awkwardly grabbing Sam like a drunk python trying to swallow a goat.

Nice attempt at going the grope Tony, but your execution was way off.

Unsurprisingly Sam isn't too upset when Davey jumps up from below decks and ruins the moment by loudly interrupting, slurring "SHORRY TONY BUT I'D KICK MYSHELF IF I DIDN'T SHPEAK TO SHAM TONIGHT!".

At this point it becomes quite obvious that everyone on this date is blind drunk.

"I knew we shouldn't have shaken that champagne."

Defeated mid-hug, Tony slinks away to discuss poor life choices with the croupier while Davey takes Sam up the poop deck. So to speak.

"OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING," says Sam as she rounds the corner and sees a black and white striped couch.

It's this ability to be so easily impressed that possibly explains why Davey is still here.

Sam tells Davey she's dated guys like him before, all cute and annoying and with a penchant for stupid hats, and it hasn't worked. Davey tells Sam he's not like them, particularly in the hat department - I mean, his aren't just stupid, they're totally moronic.

"I've had a problem with sticking up a wall before,"Davey says, which doesn't bode well for his career as a carpenter, but Sam nevertheless seems impressed by the admission.

Then Davey goes deep.

"I haven't told you thish before but the thing that really got me involved with thish wash becaushe you were sho family orientated I know a lot of people can shay it but like to me my family ish everything and you are shtriving for love and ash much ash that ish it'sh one thing I'd shtrive for it'sh to find that and love with a girl and it'sh to settle down and create a family and I'm ready and ash immature ash I do come off shometimes and shilly I do want you to really know there'sh genuine behind me," he slurs.

"There's genuine behind you? What the fuck?"

"COCKTAIL TIME!" yells Tony who has just arrived with an armful of of bad ideas.

I'm sure this is contravening several boating regulations.

Suddenly it becomes clear that when Osher said one man wouldn't return from this date, he meant it was because they'd be going to the hospital for emergency stomach pumping.

Meanwhile back at the Dude Ranch Michael the Not-eroo is reading out the latest group date card, which Osher chucked over the fence on his way to buy more organic kale.

"'Falling in love is child's play'," he reads.

"Something to do with kids?" muses Sasha, demonstrating the superior intelligence of a man who owns several cars.

"We're going to have to tap into our immature side tomorrow," says Alex.

Meanwhile, Kayne is like:

"Maybe I can breakdance for her?"

Also: Alex continues to be hot.

Back on the Booze Boat, Sam, Davey and Tony have moved on to dinner which they are attempting to get through without falling asleep or spewing over the side.

"I thought I'd ashk you shome queshtionsh,"Sam slurs, her eyes half closed, before pointing at Davey and mumbling "when are yoooou at your happiesht?"

"When I'm in love,"Davey responds.

Thanks to approximately six pints of champagne, this response works for Sam.

"And what about you?" she asks Tony.

"Uh... I have to agree. When I'm in love," he says.

"OH HOW ORIGINAL OF YOU."

Then they all have a debate about what constitutes a "soul mate" which reminds me of every conversation I've had at a nightclub at 3am ever, and Sam announces she's going down on Tony.

Going down under with Tony.

Down below with Tony.

Whatever, they're going below deck for a conversation in front of an array of giant hourglasses.

Gee, I wonder if that could be a visual metaphor for something...

Nek minit:

Bye, Tony!

With Tony thrown overboard, Sam returns upstairs to give Davey his rose.

"Do I get a kiss on the cheek?" he asks, and as she goes to do so, ambushes her with a kiss on the lips before cracking up laughing.

Still, given the only other option was the bloke who tried to hug-grope her she didn't have much choice.

Thus ends the most anticlimactic "two on one" date in the history of threesomes.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day (or actually, probably several days later given Sam's hangover would have prevented her from moving further than the couch for at least 24 hours) and all the lads have rocked up in a suburban backyard to meet Sam and Osher for their group date.

"Hey Alex, what do you think of my cardigan?"

"Meh."

There are bunches of balloons everywhere, and colourful bunting strung up, and piles of toys and games on the ground.

"What do you think you're in for today?" asks Osher.

"Um... maybe a kids' party?" says Michael.

Yeah? What gave it away?

Sam explains that one day she wants to have children, which obviously means that today the boys are going to have to throw a birthday party for some random child whose parents don't care about privacy.

"Sorry, does anyone else think this is weird?"

Everyone immediately splits up and starts preparing to entertain the oncoming hordes of youth, each coming up with an idea crappier than the last.

Michael the Almost-eroo dresses up as a gladiator who has smashed his face into a caterpillar:

I don't know.

Richie transforms himself into Chupa Morta, a zombie Mexican pirate that huffs helium:

It is not clear what he plans to do with the children when they arrive, apart from maybe illegally farm them for organs.

Kayne sets up a pie throwing booth, which is ironic because that's what everyone has been wanting to do to him since they heard him rap:

"And THAT'S for rhyming 'way' with 'namaste'!"

And Alex puts on this hat:

Still would.

But no one compares to Dave, who invents "Shark Island", the most complicated game since that time I tried to play Monopoly drunk, using different sized matchsticks for money.

Note the hordes of children not troubling Dave.

"OK so there's a few islands, and you've gotta go from one island to the other island, and if I catch you you're going to get eaten up by a shark,"Dave explains to one three-year-old girl, who looks like she'd have a better chance of understanding quantum theory.

Thirty seconds later.

Finally the party is over and it's time for Sam to pick a winner, and what a selection she has to choose from!

It's like the world's worst Brady Bunch.

Michael is declared the winner for being the person whose party game sucked the least, and is promptly whisked away to where Sam has been living: inside an optical illusion.

"No really, all the squares really are the same colour! I checked it in Photoshop."

Sadly Michael's outfit of ripped, capri cut acid wash jeans, Dunlop volleys, open necked white shirt and long cardigan is not an optical illusion, but real, actual clothes he chose to wear that day.

The duo make their way to the kitchen where Michael has been promised a hot meal.

Sadly for him, this turns out not to be a euphemism - it's literally a hot meal prepared by Sam.

Actually, it's not really even a meal - it's a toasted cheese sandwich, which is apparently all Sam knows how to cook because OMG modern girl LOL!

And then she burns it.

OMG YOU GUYS SHE'S SO FUCKING CUTE SHE CAN'T EVEN COOK A TOASTIE LOL.

"Michael seemed pretty chuffed about my toasties, and it just shows that he enjoys the simple things in life like I do,"Sam says.

No, it shows that he's polite, you berk.

Hey, remember how last week Michael bored us all to death with those "fact cards" about himself?

Well now Sam has made her own, for him!

"OH HOW ORIGINAL."

So as not to break with tradition of sharing only the most mundane information about oneself, Sam's cards contain such fascinating facts as "my ideal date night would be take away Thai and red wine" and "I'm terrified of getting my heart broken again", not to mention "I used to have horrible teeth", which precipitates THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER about how she used to wear braces, and how Michael wore them too, and OMG YOU GUYS IS THIS THE BEST YOU CAN FUCKING DO FUCK YOU'RE BORING.

Actually the most enlightening thing we learn from these cards is that Sam doesn't know how to spell "embarrassed".

How embarrassing.

Just when I think I might pass out from the excitement of this segment, Michael reaches the final card which reads: "You can kiss me whenever you like".

Unfortunately he misreads it as "wherever".

"Come on, then. Off with those pants."

Luckily for Channel 10's censoring department Sam corrects him at the last second and they pash.

On the mouth.

She really needs to get a wriggle on with this.

Then she pins a rose on his lapel, and with his shirt open to the navel and leftover glitter from the kids' party sparkling in his hair, he looks like a Mills and Boon cover illustration.

Or Serbia's 2016 Eurovision entry. Either/or.

Oh, and then, because the producers want to prematurely age us all with a segment that apparently never ends, they pash again.

Does this make Michael the new favourite...?

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and we're back at the Bro Bungalow for the cocktail party, where Dave is showing his newest party trick: Darth Vader's Force-choke, which he learned from old Star Wars DVDs.

Usually you're supposed to do it on other people, but he's still learning.

Meanwhile, Michael apparently has so much confidence in his capri-jeans-and-cardigan outfit he's kept it on for the party.

"How is this not cocktail attire? I look like a cock, don't I?"

Sam takes Dave outside for the first private chat of the night and he immediately begins trying to make up for his terrible performance as a kids' birthday party entertainer. Because that is apparently an important skill to have when trying to woo a woman.

"At the group date I was just out of my comfort zone, but seriously if you give me my nieces and nephews, I am so good with them,"Dave says.

Admit it, Dave. Even they would have hated Shark Island.

"Listen, I don't think 'Dave mustn't be good with kids because he can't handle 30 screaming children',"Sam reassures him, thus completely negating the supposed point of that entire segment.

"I wanna be here. I SO wanna be here. You have no idea how much I wanna be here,"Dave says.

If only he could rap it to her.

Clearly nothing else of interest happens at the cocktail party because the rest of the segment is filled with flashback clips, mostly of Kayne rapping and falling over.

And looking like this, none of which bodes well for his continued involvement in this show.

But enough of all this nonsense, because...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* "Blah blah blah five men blah blah blah four roses," says Osher Gunsberg, who has just popped in on his way to a school reunion.

He was head boy. Not in the way you think, though.

* And then there's Sam, who has come dressed as a giant pineapple lolly on its way to a BDSM night:

"I can't actually believe I'm wearing this hideous thing... it doesn't even fit... is this a bad dream?"

* BREAKING NEWS: Alex is still hot.

He is squinting at you, trying to get inside your head and understand your deepest desires.

* Sam gives a rose to Sasha, the only person in the room wearing an outfit stupider than hers:

Velvet, leather, foil, a bustier that doesn't fit - we've got all bad fashion choices covered here, people.

* Dave gets a rose, and everyone's like:

But... Shark Island?

Alex gets the penultimate rose (der) and so it comes down to two: Richie the helium huffing Mexican zombie pirate, and Kayne the whitest rapper in the world who fell on his head in episode one, possibly not for the first time.

Gosh this is a tough one, I mean, it's just impossible to predict which of the two will be sent home, I mean it's just so close and...

BYE KAYNE.

"I didn't get a rose, Sam sent me away,"Kayne raps as he pulls away in the limo of doom.

"So now I must leave, see ya later, namaste."

"I TOLD YOU THAT DOESN'T RHYME!"

OK that's it, let's move on and READ EPISODE SIX.

Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE FOUR again.

First off I would like to apologise for the quality of the images in this recap. Not only because several of them contain Osher Gunsberg, but because they are generally pixelated and crap.

For this, I choose to blame the god of the internet.

He's a crafty bugger.

Anyway here we are in episode six with our final six bachelors (isn't that nice and neat, how that worked out?), and naturally the three I picked in episode one are still hanging on: Sasha the bloke with a girl's name who owns several cars, Richie the bloke who does something with ropes and Alex, the bloke who Sam would pick if she had any sense.

"Final six, wow," says one.

"The top six," says another.

"Six six six!" shouts one, and is swiftly removed from the premises for invoking Satan.

"To get into the top six means nothing to me," says Michael, which is coincidentally the same thing he cried into his beer when the Socceroos rejected him.

Just in case you hadn't got the memo that there are only six men left, Osher Gunsberg bursts into the room screaming "THERE ARE LESS THAN HALF OF YOU THAT STARTED THIS JOURNEY!"

"There's only three of you left! Hang on... That's not right. Can someone get my calculator?"

Meanwhile:

"It's FEWER."

"It's weird, it seems like there's someone missing, all the time," says Sasha, who obviously hasn't yet realised that one bloke has been leaving the house every week for the past six weeks.

"I thought they'd all just been going to the shops?"

Just then Osher remembers he left his vegan soy yoghurt in the boot of his Prius, so chucks the latest date card at Michael and runs out the door.

"The clue is 'young at heart'," reads Michael.

"DAVEY!" yells everyone, for no apparent reason.

I sincerely hope they are right, and today's date will have a "Davey" theme.

"Wait, have this one too, I can't be arsed coming back later," says Osher, who has just run back into the room brandishing the group date card.

"Seriously, I get paid per episode anyway so like, what's the point, you know?" he asks, as he jogs off down the hallway.

"The clue is 'all's fair in love and war',"Davey reads from the card.

"PAINTBALL!" shouts Michael because sure, that makes sense.

Men.

As it turns out they're all going to the circus for "some good old fashioned fairground games", which has about as much to do with love and/or war as paintball so sorry, Michael, I take it back.

So all the blokes except single date recipient Richie pile into some advertisements and head off to the circus meet Sam and Osher, who is trying out ASOS for men's controversial new "Jerry Garcia in a nursing home" look:

Sam isn't convinced.

It's still better than Davey and that fucking hat, though:

I sincerely hope some company is paying him to keep wearing this thing.

Osher explains that the blokes will have to undergo a series of circus challenges to win some alone time with Sam, or a Dagwood dog or something (I don't know, I wasn't really listening), the first being a competition to see who can do the best impression of the clown mural on the wall behind them.

It's going to be hard to beat Osher, to be honest.

"I WILL CRAWL OVER YOUR DEAD BODIES TO WIN THIS," says Alex, who clearly really, really likes Dagwood dogs.

The first challenge is the strength tester machine, aka the stupid thing that dings when you hit it with a hammer.

Which is also a pretty accurate description of Davey's head.

Everyone manages to hit the jackpot and ring the bell except for Michael the Almost-eroo, who is some sort of big girl's blouse who can't even swing a giant hammer and so is immediately eliminated and made to go bake scones back at the house in a pink tutu like he deserves.

Round two is a Guinness World Record attempt for "Lamest Tug of War Ever" which is instantly granted for being over in literally half a second.

Realising they are going to be short at least two minutes of footage, the producers get into a huddle and decide to pit Alex and Dave against each other on the laughing clowns sideshow.

Sadly, no one on set appears to have ever played the laughing clowns before.

Seriously, WTF is going on here?

Somehow Dave manages to get his ball into a mouth (what?) so Alex is sent back home to do the vacuuming or some embroidery or something, and we move on to the next challenge: punting a footy into a hole.

"I'm feeling quite confused about Davey, when he's with the boys he's one person and when he's with me he's a completely different person," says Sam, as Davey drop punts the footy and shouts "CAAAARN C**TS!" while high fiving everyone with his pants around his ankles.

Meanwhile:

There's no way they're beating Osher with that effort.

As Sasha is eliminated, leaving only Dave and Davey, it occurs to Sam that choosing a man based on sideshow skills was perhaps not the most effective strategy.

This is reinforced when Dave - the man who speaks exclusively in vowels and for whom a career highlight was inventing Shark Island - wins the final challenge (don't worry about what it was, your life is richer and more rewarding for not knowing, trust me).

The two go inside the big top to enjoy their prize: a romantic picnic in the middle of the circus ring, which I think we can all safely assume smells of camel wee.

"EW WHY IS THIS SAWDUST WET?"

They sit down, pour some wine, open up their Little Big Book Of Mandatory Bachelorette Conversation Topics and start reading things out to each other like "I'm looking for a genuine guy" and "I'm 100 per cent here for you" and "Is it the wine that smells like wee or the tent?".

Realising he's unlikely to get a pash unless he can get a little closer, Dave attempts the risky and rarely successfully executed "Can I Give You A Hug?" manoeuvre, last demonstrated by Tony the airline steward on last week's Booze Boat date.

And we all remember how that went.

Dave goes for the hug.

Dave gets a hug.

Dave gets a faceful of hair.

Dave does not get a pash.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and we're back at Sam's bachelorette pad, where she's explaining the rules of the day to Richie.

"I'm a little bit quirky," she says, in the way that girls who wear ironic video game T shirts and eat their pizzas crust-first do.

"I like to think outside the box and I think you might be like that too."

"For sure, I think about your box all the time!"

"For today's date, I want to find out what life would be like 50 years down the track with you,"Sam says.

"So today we're just going to sit on the couch and not talk to each other while feeling vague resentment every time the other person moves, and occasionally wondering how life would have turned out if we'd ended up with that hot tour guide from Brazil!"

No, actually, in a shocking turn of events the producers have spent some money for once and hired professional make-up artists to transform Sam and Richie into 80-year-olds, which is ironic because I feel like I too have aged 50 years watching this boring episode.

After four hours in hair and make-up, Richie ends up looking like the disturbing love child of Monty Burns and Uncle Arthur:

Don't ask where that cane has been.

While Sam looks like ET's mum:

"Phone home! No really, please do call love, I haven't heard from you in so long."

Of course this experiment ignores the fact that in the year 2065, Sam and Richie are actually more likely to look like this:

Now THIS would have been a good date.

Sam and Richie rock up to a bowls club to see if they can blend in but sadly their acting isn't as convincing as their make-up, restricted as it is to wobbling around on walking sticks and using words like "fandangled" and "brolly", so the reaction they get from the locals is less than enthusiastic.

"No one says 'brolly' anymore, you daft pricks."

"They let them in here with THOSE shoes?"

They sit down to a game of bingo, and possibly a few tabs of acid, as Sam breaks into a pig impression when the caller announces "22 - two little ducks" and then melts into uncontrollable hysterics when Richie mentions milk.

"MILK! HA HA HA OINK OINK OINK!"

Sensing his time in the spotlight is drawing to a close, Richie hits the dancefloor in a last desperate attempt to hang on to fame, with a spontaneous audition for upcoming Adam Sandler movie "Ghetto Grandpa":

This also doubles as a new ad campaign for Metamucil.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Dammit."

But no one can stay old forever, so eventually Sam and Richie both die and the episode ends.

No, actually they just take off their make-up and go and sit in a room filled with so many candles the producers have had to manually disable the fire sprinklers, and they talk more about themselves and how they have "so much in common" because their parents are divorced, and they both have arms and legs and breathe oxygen.

"My mum is the greatest, she rules the family with an iron fist but she's also got a heart of gold," says Richie.

Richie's mum.

Just when you think this date couldn't get any less exciting, Sam flips a switch and up on the big screen pops a home movie of Richie's mum and sister talking about how great he is, interspersed with baby photos.

"Oh, I was hoping for Transformers."

It's incredibly long and boring and unforgivably devoid of explosions, but Sam seems happy enough ("Honest performances, pity about the camerawork - three stars!") so she gives him a rose.

"Thanks very mu..." says Richie, but loses his words half way through when Sam launches herself onto his face and eats them.

She's learning.

Of course that means:

Keep crying, Blakey boy.

"I'm a bit smitten," announces Sam, blushing.

Shut this thing down, Richie's got the win in the bag.

Sorry, who is this again?

And with that we move on to the cocktail party, which is less of a "party" and more of a "six blokes sitting around in suits staring at each other convention".

"My incredible date with Richie has really put things into perspective and made me evaluate what I want from a relationship,"Sam says.

Nek minit:

"Davey, do you mind coming outside for a chat?"

Ruh roh.

Of course the poor, beautiful fool has no idea he's about to be slaughtered, and bounces out the door to his certain death, his tail wagging happily.

We know, though, because the producers have added a soundtrack of urgent drums that make it sound like Sam and Davey are on the run from Mexican drug lords, or corrupt cops, or perhaps both. In the jungle. At night. With ravenous lions stalking them all.

"Yeah I um... yeah I've been... yeah wanting to chat to you..." begins Sam, at which point any sane individual would have grabbed their hat and coat and bid her a friendly adieu, but Davey isn't a sane individual, so he sits and waits for her to continue.

"Oh my god, she's going to tell me she's in love with me, isn't she?"

Because she apparently can't just say "listen mate, I'm not really feeling this, I reckon it's better if we go our separate ways", Sam launches into a big speech about Davey's "sensitive side" and whether it's all "an act", and if he's a "ladies' man" and if he's "pulling the wool over her eyes" and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Sam, you doth protest too much. We all know why you want to ditch Davey.

Oh, and there are some other guys still there too, I think.

But the charade continues, mostly because the producers still have five minutes to make up from the failed tug of war at the circus challenge, and are standing out of shot silently mouthing "STRETCH" at Sam.

"I've dated guys like you before and I know how it ends," she stammers.

"Er... it always ends the same way. Er... I'm confused," she burbles, while Davey looks off screen, trying to get a clue about what is happening.

"What is it about me that you feel like you want to be in it so badly?" asks Sam.

"That sentence was really poorly worded."

"Every part of me wants to be here," says Davey.

"You're right, there is way too much innuendo in this scene to be accidental."

Sam stares at Davey.

Davey stares at Sam.

It is not comfortable.

Honestly, the only way these two are ever going to kiss is if they're captured by terrorists and wired up to a bomb in such a manner that the only way to disarm it is for them to touch their lips together. And even then I reckon they'd weigh up the number of casualties to see if it was worth it.

Next thing you know we're back at the party with Osher Gunsberg, who looks like he's just been told they've run out of soy milk and his yoga class has been cancelled.

"Sam's made the difficult decision to let Davey go, and he's already left the mansion," he says.

"There will be no rose ceremony tonight."

Translation: We spent all of this week's budget on that make-up, and couldn't afford roses.

Well that's it for this time (no really, Davey just buggered off and didn't say anything else!) (we didn't even see him in the limo of doom!) (maybe he evaporated?) so come back again some time after Wednesday for episode seven.

In the meantime, you can go back and READ EPISODE FIVE again.

We rejoin our final five in the beautifully astro-turfed garden of the Dude Ranch where Sasha and Dave are punching each other, Alex and Michael are sitting on their big balls, and Richie is standing silently wondering how Dave is still here.

I love how they've helpfully provided the hashtag here, in case you want to tweet about this mind bendingly amazing scene.

Just as Alex is about to reveal how he stops his giant balls from deflating, in runs Osher Gunsberg, who was on his way to a yoga retreat until five minutes ago when he found out the boys were doing something without him.

"Hey guys what are you doing what's going on wait for me!"

"Just keep punching, pretend you haven't heard him."

Meanwhile:

MORE SHIRTLESS ALEX PLEASE AND THANKYOU.

"Blah blah blah two dates left blah blah blah rose ceremony blah blah blah one of you will be going home," says Osher, in what is a totally unnecessary explanation of what happens literally every single week. Honestly, they could just write this shit on a whiteboard and flash it up at the beginning of each episode, it'd be so much quicker.

"The idea that one of us is going to go home is a harsh one, particularly as it might be me," says Alex, who has obviously forgotten that Dave exists.

"ENVELOPE," says Osher, showing off the new word he learned yesterday.

Well done mate! Tomorrow we'll do words from the supermarket.

And yea, the power of the single date reveal is bestowed upon Richie, who doth take the prized envelope in both hands and doth raise it aloft, uttering the holy words: "WHODYATHINKSGARN?"

"You haven't had one yet, have you Michael?" says Sasha.

"Yeah but you haven't had one for a while either," says Michael.

"But you haven't had a single date though," says Sasha.

"Like, not even one. Single date. You haven't had one. Not one. I mean, you haven't had a single date at all, is what I'm saying."

"YEP ALRIGHT MATE I GET YOUR POINT THANKS."

And the tradition continues, as Michael is rejected once again for a single date in favour of Sasha. Fortunately Michael is used to rejection (see: Socceroos).

"The first emotion that comes to mind is not a lot of confidence," says Michael, who apparently doesn't know what emotions are.

"Can you find emotions at the post office? If not I probably don't know that word either, sorry."

Because this segment just isn't thrilling enough, Osher then reveals the group date.

"In just a few hours' time Sam will be turning up to the mansion for dinner," he says.

"Oh cool, nice."

"A dinner prepared entirely by you," he finishes.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING WE'RE NOT WIZARDS."

Yes, all five bachelors are going to have to somehow pull a rabbit out of a hat and magically conjure up a dinner in just six hours.

I MEAN WHAT IS THIS, THE TASKS OF HERCULES?

Also: with the theme of this week's group date as "home cooked dinner", I think we can safely assume the budget for this episode went on the gym equipment.

"You guys are going to have to pull out all the stops, because for one of you..." says Osher.

"...this will be THE LAST SUPPER."

Classic Osher.

Stuck with the gargantuan task of cooking dinner for six people in just half a day, the boys start divvying up jobs.

Richie takes canapes (because frozen sausage rolls, hello), Dave takes entrees (because frozen sausage rolls, hello), Alex takes mains (of course he fucking does, he doesn't shy away from a challenge) and Sasha takes the cake. Literally.

"I'll do the mains with you Alex and er, I'll choose some wine," says Michael.

"Listen mate, we both know you've just pulled a total wuss move, but as long as Dave's here we're probably still fine so no hard feelings."

While Michael walks down to the nearest BWS for some goon, the others head into the kitchen and start doing random things with knives in an attempt to look like adult humans who know how to cook.

The least convincing is Richie, who starts hacking away at a sausage in a misguided attempt to make love heart shapes, prompting the memorable quote: "Do you know what you're doing with that chorizo?"

I think it's safe to say that no, he did not.

But it soon becomes clear that whether or not Richie knows what to do with his chorizo is the least of their problems, when they go to set the table and only have IKEA accessories to use.

Meanwhile, Sam is at home getting ready for a party vastly more glamorous than the one she's actually going to.

Seriously, trackie daks and a hoodie would have been fine.

Having finished cooking (apparently - I mean, it's not like we saw any of it, so maybe they've just ordered Dominos) the boys are also getting ready and....

Oh.

Oh my.

Sorry, I think I just need a minute.

OK so then...

No.

Sorry, I can't.

Just....

Hang on.

Theeeerrrre we go.

Right so it's finally dinner time, and Sam has turned up looking like some sort of Chinese dominatrix:

So either she knows something we don't, or the next 15 minutes are going to be NSFW.

"When I walked in and saw the dinner table I was so impressed," she gushes.

Yes, it truly is impressive how they managed to fuck up not only the folding of the name cards, but also the setting of the cutlery.

"I thought it was really cute that they went to the effort," she smiles, clearly using a definition of "effort" of which I was previously unaware.

Presumably this is more along the lines of what she was expecting.

Richie hands out his haloumi, chorizo and wilted spinach blobs which not only look revolting but double as a conversational aid, in that they totally remove all chance of it.

"Mm... uhmm-oumm mmm... hmmm oouum."

Translation: These are shithouse.

Not to be outdone in the MasterCrap stakes, Dave serves up some prawn cocktails straight from the arse end of 1976, followed by Michael and Alex with their "poisson d'amour" - salmon decorated with rose petals.

"It was made with extra love," says Michael.

Well, that explains that sauce.

"I'm finding Sam quite hard to read at the moment," says Alex.

Funny, I'm not having that problem.

Meanwhile:

"Don't look now, but I think there's a decorative chicken on the table."

And finally there's Sasha, bringing up the rear with chocolate caramel brownies.

Which is coincidentally exactly what the last person who mistook Sam for a Chinese dominatrix asked her to do.

Faced with a plate of pudding made by an actual male human, Sam reaches for her Little Big Book of Things to Say in Response to Unstereotypical Gender Situations, turns to page 25 and reads: "NICE TO KNOW THAT A BOY CAN BAKE, HEY?"

Meanwhile, here's a summary of this episode so far in case you've missed it:

OMG A MAN SET A TABLE!

OMG A MAN COOKED SOME FOOD!

OMG A MAN MADE A CAKE!

OMG A MAN DID SOMETHING TOTALLY MUNDANE THAT ANY NORMAL HUMAN CAN DO!

The meal over (and wasn't it exciting? Glad they filmed it) the group moves on to a party game in which Sam must pick "fun facts" about the guys out of a bowl and try to guess who they pertain to.

"Hmm, this one says 'I LIKE DOGS', and 'dogs' is spelled wrong... Dave?"

The promise of this game being as boring as batshit is instantly fulfilled when Sam reads out the first "fun" fact - "I have no earlobes" - which apparently belongs to Alex.

Wait, Alex has no earlobes?

OH AS IF I CARE.

The next fun fact belongs to Dave, who reveals he knocked his front teeth out as a child.

God, the product placement in this show for Oral B is really getting out of hand.

Once again, this is a definition of "fun" of which I was previously unaware.

Also, why did Dave use that stupid fact when he could have used something much more interesting?

Like: "When I get nervous, I sometimes like to smell chickens".

"'My biggest fear is never finding my soul mate'," reads Sam from the next piece of paper.

Coming as this does after "I have no earlobes" and "I once had no teeth", this is rather awkward for all involved.

Naturally, it's from Michael.

Michael's hobbies include looking pensive, being intense and not being selected for the Socceroos.

"All I've ever wanted is to find my soul mate too," exclaims Sam, as if that's such a massive secret and she doesn't say it at least three times every god damn episode.

TLDR: Sam is once again impressed by a bloke for simply listening to shit she's said.

"Shit, now I need a new trick."

Meanwhile:

Even the chicken is doing better at this game than Dave.

"I thought this was supposed to be a light hearted game - fun facts, not sad facts," says Dave, as everyone ignores him and talks to the chicken instead.

Hey, this game isn't boring enough yet - let's hear Sam's fun fact!

"My biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back," says Sam, like a true 26-year-old.

Guys, seriously. That is her biggest fear. That she'll be rejected by a boy.

Oh seriously, just shut up.

And with that we call last drinks on dinner and move on to Sasha's single date, for which Sam has thoughtfully rented a hearse as a visual metaphor for what this show is currently doing to my will to live.

"It's really roomy in the back, wink wink."

It seems Sasha is into vintage cars and he's super impressed that Sam knows, because he apparently doesn't understand what producers do or how TV works.

Another of Sasha's passions is art (really? I mean, not to be rude but... really?) so Sam whisks him away to a studio where she triumphantly unveils a painting she has done especially for him.

"It's called 'You and Me'. What do you think?"

No, actually, they're going to create a new painting together which is going to be auctioned off for the Stroke Foundation because, as Sam explains: "I lost my stepdad to a stroke unexpectedly, so I like to give back and return the favour."

Meanwhile, at the Stroke Foundation:

"Uhhh that's OK Sam, we're fine! Really, thanks!"

But she can't be stopped, especially not once she's popped on her special Sportsgirl denim painting overalls, so she and Sasha get to work turning a nice white canvas into something that will raise at least $3.50 for the Stroke Foundation.

Wait, is this painting supposed to raise money for the Stroke Foundation or GIVE you a stroke?

But the true artistic high point of the date comes when Sasha gives Sam a dirty sanchez:

Well, if you're going to get to know someone...

...which is only compounded when she pashes him:

I believe this is what the kids call a "Double Dirty Sanchez".

Meanwhile:

At least half of these belong to Sasha, I think.

With the painting finished, the two finally stand back and admire their creation.

"I definitely think our artwork represents the chemistry that was in the room,"Sam says.

If that's the chemistry that's in the room, let's hope no one lights a match.

Then because this show never ends it's time for Sam and Sasha to have a glass of wine and some cheese or some bloody crap, so they wipe the paint off themselves in an artistic way (ie: making sure to leave a cute spatter or two on the cheek) and wander off to another room.

"I just wanna chat with Sash and see if he's ready to let his guards down," says Sam.

Gee, I hope they'll cope with it OK.

To be honest I don't know what Sasha did with his guards, because the conversation that followed that statement was so bloody boring I fell half asleep watching it.

All I remember hearing was "blah blah footy blah blah step dad blah blah cards on the table". Or maybe I'm just remembering EVERY SINGLE DATE THAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR THIS SERIES.

CHRIST, DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING INTERESTING ON THIS SHOW?

Me right now.

"I always want to be myself, warts and all,"Sam tells Sasha, adding: "Even though I don't have any warts. That's just a figure of speech."

Er, how dumb does she think he is?

OK, point taken.

"I just think your personality is infectious," she continues.

"Not like warts though. You don't have warts!"

"Ha ha ha no... no, of course I don't..."

Just in case you were in any doubt as to the bogan quotient of this date, Sasha then proclaims "Yeah yeah, oym smokin' what yer growin'", before cracking a tinny of JD and Coke and ripping out a few bars of Khe Sanh.

Sam is so impressed she hands Sasha a rose, which prompts him to sum up his feelings for her in the usual way: like a footy coach at half time.

"Oy think um, there's nothing more than oy want at this stage and, um, to be honest you're all oy want and here oy am," he says, before saying something about love being a game of two halves and going in hard and getting on the ball.

Well, there's nothing more romantic than footy talk.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music yada yada and we're back at the Shag Mansion for what is to be the final cocktail party. Yes, the final cocktail party.

This is such a joyful occasion, I actually made a special cocktail to commemorate it:

It's called the "Thank Fuck I Don't Have to Come Up With Jokes For This Boring Segment in Which No One Ever Says or Does Anything Anymore". It tastes like sadness.

All the lads are looking dapper, except for Dave, who was unfortunately the only one not to get the memo that tonight's "Come as your favourite registered sex offender" fancy dress theme had been cancelled.

It's a pity, because he totally nailed it.

Everyone is feeling nervous about the upcoming rose ceremony, and pondering just who will be sent home.

"There's only a few guys left, so it's got to be one of us," says Alex, showing the superior powers of deduction that made him one of the UK's top financial analysts.

Sorry, did Alex say something stupid? I didn't notice, I was distracted somehow.

Well, everyone except Dave, who is still preoccupied with the "fun facts" catastrophe of the previous night.

"I thought it was supposed to be 'fun' facts, and everybody was throwing in curveballs like being homeless and sleeping under the stars, or being soulmates," he mutters.

"I mean, if I'd known we were supposed to write something down that would make us seem attractive and witty or mysterious, instead of just some shit that happened to me as a child, I bloody would've!"

While Sam goes off for a chat on the verandah with Alex, Sasha takes Dave aside to give him some good advice.

Sorry, I mean terrible advice.

"You haven't grabbed Sam yet through this whole experience, do you think tonight you're just going to go up and grab her, mate?" he asks.

PSA: In general, it's not advisable for men to just "grab" women at parties.

"Oym telling you mate, she will roolly appreciate that," grins Sasha, who spent the best part of the afternoon sucking down Sam's saliva and so clearly sees Dave as less threatening than carpet fluff.

Somehow Dave doesn't pick up on this, or his obvious impending doom at the rose ceremony (come on, we all know it), and so immediately pounces on Sam the minute she walks back into the room.

Unfortunately it turns out he has nothing in particular to say to her, so he pretty much just rambles whatever words pop into his head while she stares at him like a cat trying to understand particle theory.

"So, what's your definition of a 'fun' fact, because..."

But finally, the final cocktail party is over, which means...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* All the blokes line up and stare straight ahead, saying nothing. The plate of roses sits there, saying nothing. Somehow, the producers fill three minutes of airtime with this. Credit where credit's due.

* Suddenly, in walks Osher:

CHECK HIM OUT, YOU GUYS!

* "Four of you. Three roses. Whatever," he says.

THERS ERS GERTERN TERNS.

* Everyone is conscious that receiving a rose tonight means Sam will get to visit their home towns and meet their families next week, so the stakes are high.

"Having that chance to take Sam home to Darwin would be great," says Dave.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Darwin? Well that makes that decision easier."

Michael gets a rose.

Richie gets a rose.

And then there are just two: Alex the extremely hot UK banker who used to live in the Brazilian jungle and... Dave.

Still from long lost unreleased children's film "Pee Wee Herman and Daddy Warbucks Take Manhattan".

In a move that surprises absolutely no one with working eyes and ears, Sam gives the final rose to Alex, meaning it's time for Dave the plumber to get flushed.

And as he makes his way to the limo of doom, the final four bachelors watch and wave and think "How the hell did Dave get to episode seven?".

Meanwhile, on the podium, Sam contemplates the coming week:

"LORD JESUS HELP ME."

OK, let's wrap it on up and move it on out to READ EPISODE EIGHT.

And remember, you can always go back and READ EPISODE SIX again!

Right, here's the deal. I have to catch a plane to Queensland in approximately 14 hours where I intend to lie on a beach for one whole week straight and drink lots of champagne and quite probably some margaritas and also not touch a computer at all, which basically means I need to get this recap done fast, right now.

Sadly, this episode of The Bachelorette is a stupid extra long one, because it's the one where Sam goes to all the bachelors' home towns to meet their families, and also the gods of TV are trying to kill me or something.

And so this time, for one recap only* (*NB: promise is not binding), I'm foregoing my usual considered, literary style for something I hope will be quicker and dirtier:

A DOT POINT RECAP.

Giddy up.

* First stop is Michael's home town of Brisbane, where we see him playing soccer with all of his friends:

At least he always wins this way.

* "You may wonder why we're in the middle of nowhere," says Michael as Sam runs up to greet him.

"Don't be ashamed, Brisbane is a nice place!"

* Michael announces he's going to teach Sam how to play soccer. She immediately sinks a series of goals and beats him.

"Why won't you let me patronise you?"

* WOOP! WOOP!

* Nek minit:

Soccer, boats, modest cheese platters - Brisbane has it all!

* WOOP! WOOP!

Go girl.

* Then either the sound guy accidentally dropped the boom off the side of the boat, or Michael lost his mic in the toilet, because the next two minutes of audio sound like they were recorded by a toddler holding an iPhone under Niagara Falls, so let's just make it up:

"Jeez Sam I like you more than soccer."

"I like you too!"

"Of course if you pick me we'll have to live here in Brisbane."

* Time to meet Michael's parents, with whom he is very close. Literally. Like, he lives across the street from them.

This would be my reaction to that news too.

* Michael's dad is so excited to meet Sam he opens his mouth and lets every thought he's ever had come tumbling out of it.

"I've seen pictures of you a thousand pictures but in real life you're absolutely beautiful I love your eyes I know I'm talking physically but they say the eyes are the windows to the soul and would you like to see Southbank?"

"OK dad I reckon that's enough champagne for the moment."

* Imagine going to a stranger's family get together, and being forced to listen to their conversations. That's exactly how the next 10 minutes goes.

* Meanwhile, Michael's dad may be more in love with Sam than Michael is.

"Seriously, can I just touch your hair for a second?"

* "Thanks for a beautiful dinner and for being a beautiful family and I had a beautiful time," says Sam.

Have an early Christmas present, Sam.

* They have dinner, it's boring, Sam touches Michael a lot, he's probably going to win in the end.

* "I do have one more message for you," says Michael as he walks her out.

Subtle.

* WOOP! WOOP!

Gotta hand it to him.

* Moving on to Avoca Beach, New South Wales, where Alex is busy practising his entry for the upcoming 2015 Surfboard Impression Championships:

Great technique.

* BREAKING NEWS:

Damn.

* They go surfing. No one gets attacked by a shark.

* Later, Alex shows his disdain for shirt buttons.

If only he were as disdainful of fabric in general.

* "It's nice to spend time with you without the pressure of meeting family,"Sam says, safe in the knowledge that Alex's relatives are all in the UK.

Nek minit:

SISTER!

* "Would you like a champagne or a wine?"Alex asks.

"I'll have a water actually," says sister.

"Well, this will be fun."

* "So how has the experience of The Bachelorette been?" sister asks Sam.

"I apologise, I didn't watch any of The Bachelor so it's a bit of an alien concept for me for someone to want to go ahead and do something like this."

ALL HAIL THE SHADE QUEEN.

* "Would you move overseas? Do you want children? Does your age difference concern you? Do you support euthanasia? What are your feelings on abortion? Who's right, Palestine or Israel?"

"Um... yes?"

* "Do you think this whole Bachelorette process has given you an opportunity to find out about Alex, like what makes him happy, what frustrates him and whether you'd actually be an awesome couple together?" asks sister.

Something tells me Alex's sister isn't totally convinced about the authenticity of this show...

* "So did you guys get on well together?"Alex asks as he's seeing Sam out.

"Like a house on fire! I mean literally - it was a solid hour of blazing destruction and pain."

* "I had a really great date with you, you're a really great girl and I just love being with you," says Alex.

"YEP BYE."

* Moving over to Western Australia, where Richie greets Sam with open arms saying "Welcome to Perth!"

You didn't need to say it mate, your outfit already did.

* "I thought I'd, er... get you out and see the beautiful, beautiful Perth, ha ha," says Richie, who may or may not be suffering the effects of hypothermia from his ridiculous shorts and hoodie combo.

Fortunately the producers have packed some equally daggy jeans for him to change into.

"Look over there, people dressed better than me!"

"That's a homeless shelter."

* Richie continues his bang-on impression of your Year 9 boyfriend by stammering and stuttering his way through a totally nonsensical speech about walls and shells and hearts being on the line.

And is that... bumfluff?

* "I've got a massive Richie crush, I'm not going to lie," says Sam.

"The feeling's mutual," says Richie, staring lovingly into the lake's reflective surface.

* Even with the cold and the hoodie and the bumfluff and Perth's totally boring skyline Sam still somehow manages to feel romantic, so WOOP! WOOP!

Things are not looking great for Alex at this point.

* But then it's time to meet Richie's family and friends, so they both put on their best ripped designer jeans (aka "cocktail wear" in Perth) and head to his place.

"Gee I hope we're not overdressed."

* Meanwhile, it seems the producers only got as far as bunging in a few bamboo torches from Bunnings before they gave up on trying to make Richie's Stratco fence look good:

Gold star to this one on the left for not compromising his style for the telly. Rage against the machine, man.

* "I've got reservations," says Kieren Perkins.

"They're at a restaurant in town in 20 minutes, so I'll see you all later."

* Crossing back over the country now to Bowral in rural New South Wales, where Sasha is treating Sam to a Bachelor specialty: a weird picnic in the middle of nowhere.

Because a two seater sofa in the middle of a driveway just screams romance.

* Just in case that's not awkward enough, Sasha unlocks a trunk and unleashes a busker he kidnapped several weeks earlier from the local mall, who immediately sits down at a Casio and starts howling at them.

"Please help me, he hasn't fed me in days, he makes me sing non stop I'M NOT EVEN A KEYBOARD PLAYER PLEASE HELP."

* "I am falling in love with you," says Sasha.

"Pardon?" says Sam, who can't hear a thing over the howling and pleas for mercy etc.

* WOOP! WOOP!

Sasha FTW?

* It's time to meet the family, so they lock the busker back in the trunk (Sam throws in her uneaten cheese platter as an act of mercy) and they head off to Sasha's family home, where the entire nation watching is overjoyed to discover this photo in the hallway:

I guess Sasha's mum is a Michael Cera fan.

* Sam meets Sasha's family. They are nice. They have dinner. Everyone gets along. Nothing happens. LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENS FOR 10 MINUTES.

* I am so bored.

* With home visits done it's almost time for the rose ceremony, but not before Sam finishes the cover shoot for her upcoming album release:

"A Touch of Frost in Waikiki" - $19.99 on iTunes now.

* Meanwhile, the lads are hanging around the Shag Mansion doing their best impressions of "men with things on their mind":

Michael is staring into the middle distance - one of his favourite pastimes.

Richie is imagining what life might be like as a chipmunk.

Alex is trying to think his hair back into existence.

And Sasha is busy holding up the front door frame after an emergency termite scare.

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Always eager to show how relaxed and comfortable she is, Sam has come tonight dressed as a Chesterfield lounge:

She's difficult to keep clean, but so comfy to sit on.

* "Four men, three roses, etc," says Osher, who is possibly the only person more bored than me at this point.

* Michael gets a rose.

* Sasha gets a rose

* And we're down to two: Richie who does something undefinable with ropes and actually chooses to wear a hoodie and shorts in public and may in fact be 15, and Alex the sexy British finance consultant who is completely perfect in every way.

"Richie," says Sam.

ARE YOU BLIND, YOU MORON?

* "If anything, you've proven to me that there are great girls like you out there," says Alex, holding back the tears, as he walks off to the limo of doom.

UM YEAH HI ALEX, YOU CAN FIND ME ON TWITTER @PETSTARR.

Right. That's it. I'm done, and I'm off to Queensland. See y'all in a week when I recap the final a week late, after everyone else has totally lost interest in it.

In the meantime, you can always go back and READ EPISODE SEVEN again.

So I'm back from my fabulous beach holiday and, as some of you may have guessed from the relative silence around here in the last week, I had sort of planned to slip into the shadows and not actually finish this nonsense. But then a bunch of you were like "Awwww" and I started to feel guilty...

So for all three of you who still care about this shit: here we go...

We start off this episode with me still mourning the passing of Hot Alex:

Because COME ON.

Not Sam though, she's totes relaxo, chilling out on the beach playing with a stick like she normally does on Sundays, musing about who to bump off next (hint: as if it's not Richie).

"You understand me best, stick."

"At the end of this week I have to make a heart wrenching decision and decide which two guys are going to meet my family and who I can see a long lasting relationship with," she says.

"And also which one I'm going to kidnap for a huge ransom so I never have to work again."

Well, I guess that's one decision made.

As it turns out Sasha hasn't been kidnapped but is, in fact, en route to his date with Sam where he'll be forced to jump out of a plane, which is actually worse.

"I chose this date for Sasha because I know that his biggest fear in life is heights," trills Sam, as though she's not some kind of monster.

"And after our skydive we're going to drink poison and play with knives!"

"Hopefully it's just a helicopter ride or something..." says Sasha as the limo pulls into the airfield.

"Like... a nice, scenic... helicopter ride."

Yeah, probably.

"Hey Sash, today we're going sky diving!" bubbles Sam, as if she's not the worst person in the world.

"I have NEVER had to try this hard to get a chick into bed..."

While Sasha tries to determine the exact lengths he's willing to go to to have sex with Sam, she explains how jumping out of a plane isn't going to be the most traumatic thing he's ever done.

"I'll be there supporting you through it and holding your hand until we jump," she says, before adding "And then I'll let go because when you're falling 14,000 feet from a plane into the sweet embrace of certain death YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, BUDDY."

But because he's a true blue Aussie bloke and possible Anzac hero in a former life, Sasha bottles his fear, straps up and jumps in the plane, where he is quickly overwhelmed by the mysteries of flight.

"The plane just kept getting higher and higher and the things on the ground kept getting smaller and smaller!" he marvels.

"F**KIN MAGNETS? HOW DO THEY WORK?"

Also:

Could also be an Italian BMT.

TLDR: They both jump, they enjoy it, no one dies.

"I tell you what, it's a bit restrictive around the old fruit and veg innit?"Sasha says as he adjusts his harness.

Anyone for a smoothie?

As a reminder: Sasha almost had a nervous breakdown when asked to jump off a small cliff into a lake, so Sam should probably just marry him now.

But just as Sasha is examining his fruit basket for signs of wear and tear: DISASTER STRIKES!

"I feel like I'm going to throw up," says Sam, before collapsing to the ground.

Fortunately there's a bloke in a hat on scene to help her.

"It's OK love, I'm wearing a hat."

Her heart racing and blood pressure through the roof, it is determined that Sam's body hasn't coped all that well with the adrenalin rush of the sky dive.

Prescription: SASHA'S LOVIN'.

"Oh doctor, I think I'm going to need a REPEAT of this prescription."

Not going to lie, I sort of teared up over this. Dammit.

After Sam gets her breath back and Sasha replenishes his veg crisper drawer, the two wander off down the road to where Sam has promised "another surprise".

Ooh, will it be a raucous night at a cabaret show with dancing girls and cocktails?

Or a magical 10-course molecular gastronomy dinner with each dish more incredible than the last?

Or a splendid masked ball under the Sydney Harbour Bridge with French champagne flowing from fountains and ice skating dwarves serving caviar on their heads?

Oh right, it's wine and cheese on a sofa in the garden. Again. Cool.

"Look how many bloody flowers there are out here," says Sasha, except no one can hear him because his voice is muffled by petunias.

"Lots of flowers? What do you mean?"

Also, Sasha: HAVE YOU JUST REALISED THIS? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST NINE WEEKS? This show is the sole thing keeping half of Sydney's florists employed.

So anyway they open up some champagne, because that seems like a good thing to do after you've had a heart scare, and Sam decides to open up to Sasha about a concern she's been having.

"My biggest fear is that when all of this is over, it is just me," she says.

"And I don't have nice things."

Something tells me she won't have that problem for much longer.

Sasha assures Sam that her lack of modern homewares isn't a problem, and anyway has she been to K Mart lately because they have really nice stuff for cheap.

"Every toyme oy see you oy fall more and more in love with you," says Sasha.

"ORLY?"

Then they smash their lips together and sort of hold it, like they're trying to pose for a crappy Valentine's picture, but I guess it's kind of a pash, so:

Meanwhile by this point in The Bachelor Sam had only pashed six chicks so... Blimey.

Moving on to the next date, which is also taking place on an airfield because the producers had to hire it for the whole weekend.

Having failed to kill Sasha by throwing him out of a plane, Sam is trying again with Richie.

By taking him for a scenic helicopter ride.

"OH COME ON."

"Today I'm hoping that Richie gets caught up in the moment and just lets go," says Sam, so I'm looking forward to the scenes of him either ripping a champion fart or spewing out the window of the chopper.

Not content to rest on the sartorial laurels of his "hoodie and shorts" combo of last week, Richie has once again dressed to impress, showing up in costume as "homeless man from the bus station":

"Can I borrow a dollar?"

"I know you've never been to the snow, so today we'll be hitting the slopes!"Sam announces.

"BOOM SHAKA LAKA LET'S ROCK IT COOL BANANAS!" says Richie.

I'm not making that up for comedy, that's actually what he said.

Anyway they get in the chopper and fly off to some ski field somewhere, and Richie is very impressed.

"Oh my god, it's like nothing I've ever imagined!" he gasps.

BREAKING: Richie's imagination is not very active.

"Seeing Richie walk out in his snow gear, he's definitely the sexiest snow bunny I've ever seen," gushes Sam.

Given Richie appears to be wearing a giant Glad bag with gardening gloves, this is a very generous appraisal.

With the producers having blown this episode's budget on the airfield, Sam and Richie can't afford ski hire and so are restricted to running around outside the lodge like they're in a Zach Braff film.

"HA HA we're so wild and crazy and young!"

*The Shins plays*

After 10 minutes of awkwardly throwing snowballs pretending like she's having fun, Sam launches herself face-first onto Richie just for something to do.

Get it, girl.

Then they move onto the next thrilling part of the date: sitting on a sofa with wine and cheese:

Just for something different.

"So how did you enjoy your first day in the snow?"Sam asks, prompting Richie to launch into his best "Footy Coach At A Press Conference" impression.

"Sam I had so much fun today, and to come out here and enjoy this experience with you is just simply amazing, it's everything I imagined it would be and, look, I had so much fun with you today," he says.

"The drop punt on some of those snowballs wasn't as tight as I'd hoped, though."

"Thank you for embracing every single moment,"Sam says, cryptically.

What does this mean? Is she trying to cue him to embrace her? Has she just run out of things to say?

"Oh too easy," says Richie, skolling his wine, so now we'll never know.

Then they have a lengthy and boring discussion about walls, and whether they're up or down, and if they're up how to take them down, and how they were built in the first place.

Meanwhile, watching at home, Davey the carpenter is like:

"If you wanted walls built you should have picked me."

Recognising the final rose ceremony is but hours away, Richie decides it's time to step up to the plate and show his feelings for Sam, and so launches into what will surely go down as one of history's most epic speeches:

"Yeah.OK. So, you know Sam, I I I I I do wanna open myself up to, um, the possibility of, of, uh, a future with yourself, and I... I... I guess for me it's, it's... it's one of those things, Sam, where you know, I... I... I'm not the best with, um... like... how I sort of express a lot of my feelings..."

"NO SHIT."

Just as Sam is beginning to slip into a boredom-induced coma Richie announces "actions, without doubt, for me speak louder than words", which might possibly make up for his parade of broken English if he then actually DID an action like, say, kiss her.

But he doesn't. He just keep blathering on.

"Look I know that you've got, like a really... really big decision to make, and this isn't... this isn't easy and you're right that I probably should open up a lot more and... and try and just, you know, let that happen and, and be open to love and you know I... I guess that's what I'm trying to do and what I'm trying to say," he continues.

"Please god, make it stop."

"You know, I am falling in yooouuuaahhi," he concludes, which I think is what happens when you go to say "I'm falling in love with you" and then think better of it so you just make the sound of a vomiting cat.

I was so inspired by this heart rending speech I've turned it into a printable motivational poster which I am now selling on Etsy for $15.99.

First there was "I have a dream". Now there's "I am falling in yooouuuaahhi".

Despite the fact that Richie has just spent 15 minutes saying literally nothing at all, Sam seems very impressed, congratulating him for... something.

"I absolutely respect and appreciate the fact that you have been able to... yeah," says Sam, forgetting half way through her sentence what the hell they're both talking about, and beginning to wonder if life is still worth living.

"I just think you're absolutely amazing,"Richie says.

"Thank you," says Sam.

"Thank you," says Richie, as the two of them turn back to their wine.

"Awesome," he says quietly.

They do not kiss.

This is the most romantic shot option the producers had for this entire scene.

Moving on to Sam's final date with Michael the Not-eroo, for which she has commandeered an armoured military boat to go fight Isis in the middle east:

"This date will prove whether you're willing to fight for my love!"

"Did you know my mum proposed to my dad?" says Michael, apropos of nothing.

"What a legend!" says Sam.

"Would you ever do it?" he asks.

"LOOK THE HARBOUR BRIDGE," says Sam.

You can't see where Michael's right hand is here, but Sam's face says it all.

Having realised the trip to Damascus will take several weeks, and that they only have enough sandwiches for the rest of the day, Sam and Michael decide to cancel their trip and go whale watching instead.

"Look out there - water!"

"Being able to be so close to this amazing animal, it's beautiful once you get up close," says Michael, adding: "And the whales are pretty good too."

It is worth noting at this point that Sam is ALL OVER Michael like a fat kid on cake on this date. She seriously can't keep her hands off him. It's like she's been poisoned, and the only antidote is in Michael's skin.

So this is hardly surprising:

GEE I WONDER IF RICHIE WILL BE GOING HOME TONIGHT JUST A THOUGHT.

"It was such fun whale watching with Michael today, and tonight I have one of the most amazing dinners planned," gushes Sam.

OK sure, let me just prepare myself for the inevitable "sofa randomly plonked in a garden with wine and cheese" set up tha...

Oh. OK. Well, this is actually kind of amazing.

Meanwhile, the next day at the Sydney Aquarium:

"No ma'am I can't book you a table, that was just for TV..."

They crack open the champagne, because even though it's been nine weeks neither of them have quite developed cirrhosis just yet, and they both sit back and marvel at the 360 degree seafood swimming around them.

"Look, there are two swordfish up there!" says Michael, pointing to the ceiling.

"Hey Reg, I can see down her top!"

(Also: that's not a swordfish.)

Anyway it's time for dinner and awkward conversation, so Sam asks Michael how she'd be able to fit into his high powered, jet-setting life if they wound up together.

"I'm at a point now in my life where I've achieved what I wanted to achieve," he says.

Weeellll...

"I am falling in love with you, make no mistake," he says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"So THAT'S how you pronounce it."

And then this happens:

Lucky they're surrounded by water right now because she is on FIRE!

"I've had three dates with three really amazing men, and I have no idea who I'm going to send home,"Sam says.

"Except obviously I know it's Richie."

And with that...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* With this episode's budget blown on airfield and boat hire, and the petty cash kitty spent on entry fees for the aquarium, Osher Gunsberg is forced to wear his old Year 11 formal suit to tonight's rose ceremony:

"Yeah it still fits! It looks fine!" - wardrobe assistant, five minutes before this shot

* Sasha, Richie and Michael are suited up in shades of crimson, black and navy:

Like the world's most emo traffic light.

* But their fashions are nothing compared to Sam, who waltzes in looking like some sort of gothic Muppet:

Well, this is one way of controlling Sydney's pigeon population.

* "I'm certainly falling for Sam, I'm completely smitten by her," says Richie, adding: "I think I told her all of that?"

No, not really mate.

* And Richie dude, while we're at it: you're up against two suave professionals here. Maybe try occasionally not looking like a walking Lynx advertisement?

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE JUST COMBED IT?

* Sasha is so nervous, he lets a cheeky one out:

Fortunately it's an SBD, and everyone assumes Richie did it.

* But then Sam catches a whiff and recognises the source immediately:

"I remember that smell from inside the plane..."

* Impressed by the pungency of his output, Sam gives the first rose to Sasha, leaving Michael and Richie to duke it out for the final rose.

"So, who can rip one out better than that?"Sam challenges.

*Brrrrt*.

"My god that's strong."

Richie gives it his best shot, but surprises everyone by being the only one not able to crack some brown thunder and so sadly, Sam's decision is made: Michael gets the final rose.

Richie's journey of love over, it's time for him to ride away in the limo of doom, but not before giving Sam one final warm message to remember him by:

*Brrrt*.

"Bloody hell that's spicy."

OMG, you know what that means?

It's time for... THE FINALE! GO AND READ THE FINALE!

Or go back and READ EPISODE EIGHT.

You know how in The Bachelor season one they went to Thailand for the big finale episode?

And in season two they went to South Africa?

And in season three they... well, let's maybe forget season three.

But here we are at the finale of The Bachelorette and the tradition of exotic locations has continued because here Sam is in....
New Zealand.

Just check out the excitement on her face.

."I work all year on this god damn bikini body and they send me to fucking AUCKLAND?"

Sadly Michael isn't there yet, because he's too busy starring in a commercial for Air New Zealand:

"Would you like me to warm your buns for you?"

And Sasha also absent, because he's too busy working on the music video for his new acoustic guitar cover of Air Supply's "I'm All Out of Love":

It's coming along beautifully.

"Sasha and Michael have both told me that they're falling in love with me, which is amazing, but neither of them has told me they're IN love with me," says Sam, who is totally chill and not demanding at all.

"And neither of them has so much as promised me a partridge in a pear tree either, for fuck's sake."

"My biggest fear coming into this was that I would..." begins Sam, opening the door for a fun Bland Canyon multiple choice quiz.

Can you finish Sam's sentence? "My biggest fear coming into this was that I would..."

A) "...spontaneously combust and accidentally burn down the Shag Mansion";

B) "...get drunk and pash someone gross on national television";

C) "...embarrass myself and my entire family"; or

C) "...fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back, yes, you've said this a million fucking times, we get it, we get it CHRIST WE GET IT."

Meanwhile: I wish my biggest fear was some bloke rejecting me instead of like, being involved in a terrible car crash and losing both my legs, or being jailed for a crime I didn't commit, or having all my money stolen and my house repossessed...

"I just cannot afford to have my heart broken again," says Sam, who is 26.

Me RN.

Just then Sam's sister and brothers rock up to help her work out which bloke to choose.

Although, based on prior evidence, I'm not sure they're the best ones to ask.

"OMG HE BROUGHT FLOWERS HE'S GREAT MARRY HIM."

First into the interview room is Michael, who explains that he's here to "make a three-way connection" with Sam and her sister.

Not sure that came out quite the way you planned, bud.

"Coming on this show I was a skeptic, thinking 'what are the chances there's this one girl they've picked out and she's going to be someone who I really fall for?'. And as time went by and I got to know Sam, this skeptic over here slowly became a believer,"Michael says.

Wow. Solid sales pitch. Let's see how it's working for him.

Er.

Oh.

Riiiight.

Sam's sister is especially unimpressed, telling him: "You seem like a smooth talker. You say all the right things. You seem too perfect."

"STOP BEING SO PERFECT."

But then he makes some really good points like "No I'm not" and she changes her mind, so he's allowed to leave without the customary 20 lashes.

"So how did you go with my sister?"Sam asks him later.

"Well she was really rude to my face and I just sucked it up and pretended like it was fine, so I guess I think she's a bit of a cow but she likes me? I dunno."

Moving on to Sasha, who immediately impresses Sam's family with his Kenny Everett impression:

"Always in the best POSSIBLE taste!"

But Sam's sister is having none of it, jumping straight in with her bitch act again, asking: "Did you come on the show to find love or to build a profile?"

"Profile? Oy don't even have a profile on Facebook," he says.

"When this is done, oym garn straight back to building. And maybe doing the odd Kenny Everett show at the local RSL."

APPROVED.

Sam's sister is so enthusiastic about Sasha it's all she can do to stop herself leaping out of her seat to call the florist for their wedding - but she does have one concern.

"Neither of the guys has said they love you, and I would like for you to find out now, before it gets to the end," she says.

She's right, obviously. I mean, Sam has known both of these blokes for what, 22 hours, collectively? That's ample time for them to work their shit out. STEP UP, BOYS.

Moving on to day two and Sam's final date with Michael, which appears to be taking place inside a 1970s horror film:

Wait until she shows him the super romantic basement!

Yes, it's just 100 per cent pure romance in New Zealand:

I hope NZ Tourism were prepared for the onslaught of loved up couples calling to book their honeymoons after this episode aired.

Cut to Sam, standing on the edge of a jetty looking thoughtful, the mists swirling around her. You can't hear it but I bet a wolf is howling somewhere in the distance.

"One of my biggest fears is falling in love with someone who doesn't love me back," says Sam for what, the FIVE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME?

Meanwhile if I were standing here, my biggest fear would be a lot more immediate.

"I'm really hoping Michael is going to put all his cards on the table because I have a huge decision to make and I need to know exactly how he's feeling," says Sam.

Meanwhile, one episode ago:

Mm-hmm.
Anyway Michael shows up without a deck of cards OR a table (bad luck, Sam) but she decides to press on with the date anyway, so off they go in a helicopter to fly over Rotorua.

"Gee Sam, I'm happy to just have a coffee in a coffee shop with you, but to go on a date like this is awesome," says Michael.

Meanwhile, in the producers' room:

"Seriously, why are we spending so much money on helicopters? For season 2 let's just have them meet in coffee shops."

Having unsuccessfully tried to murder Sasha in last week's episode by throwing him out of a plane, Sam tries again with Michael by strapping him to a raft and pushing him over a waterfall:

"MU-AHHAHAHAHAH oh wait... I'm in here too. Shit."

But Michael survives, and Sam is super impressed.

Probably also because he looks so cool.

As a reward, she takes him to a thermal hot spring where she cracks a bottle of booze and starts getting him pissed in the hopes he'll finally say the L word.

After half a bottle and a few awkward conversations about steam, Michael finally caves.

"Sam Frost, I do love you," he says.

"BINGO."

Suddenly a loud siren blares, pyrotechnics burst out of the bridge behind them and confetti starts falling from the sky as dancing girls bearing fruit waltz out from behind the trees and dogs wearing sequinned ponchos walking on their hind legs parade along the banks of the spring, while Sam yells "THAT'S THE MAGIC WORD!".

And then:

We're definitely making it to 20, right?

Meanwhile:

If this really was a horror movie the scene after this one would be brutal.

Meanwhile, I'm fairly sure that the shot of the pumping geyser immediately following their pash was not an editing mistake. Slow clap, Bachelorette producers.

Moving on to day 3, and Sasha is in the back of a car practising his "pensive look" for his next music video:

"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you..."

"Sam's biggest fear is falling in love with someone who doesn't love her back," says Sasha, which is great because I was just thinking "Hey, what the fuck is Sam's biggest fear? Does anyone know? Has she ever fucking mentioned it?"

Fortunately Sasha's already told Sam he's in love with her, so that solves that problem. Show over, I guess.

But nooooo we still have to endure a boring final date with Sasha to make sure he's got his heart on his sleeve and his cards on the table and is in it for the right reasons etc, so he and Sam get on some old yacht and start buggering around with ropes and yard arms and shit.

"I was thinking about you last night, I couldn't sleep," says Sasha, as he takes Sam up the poop deck.

Sorry, up TO the poop deck.

"What were you thinking about?" she asks.

"Oh... I'll wait until we're on land, I wouldn't want to make you sick."

And then:

COME ON, GIRL!

Next thing you know a seaplane has arrived to pick them up, which I can only assume means that at some point in the last 24 hours this happened in the producers' room:

"Hey guys, look what I found behind the couch!"

"For the next part of our date I've organised something really special," says Sam.

Oh wait, let me guess.

It's...

...a couch placed awkwardly in a garden with some wine and cheese!

And thus begins the "Tell Me You Love Me God Dammit" game volume two, in which Sam stares at Sasha until he submits to her will.

"SAY YOU LOVE ME."

"But I..."

"SAY IT, DAMMIT."

"Please don't hurt me again."

"For me, love is such a strong word and I'd never want to undermine the meaning of that word,"Sasha says.

"But, given we don't have much time left..."

"I do love you?"

"Now, I know your biggest fear is..." he begins, before Sam shuts him up with her own lips.

THANK GOD, NO ONE NEEDED TO HEAR THAT AGAIN.

Oh, also:

DING DING DING!

Actually they pash like, five million times, so:

This count may be slightly inaccurate.

Sunset, sunrise... and finally, it's the big day!

The day when Sam tells one bloke she's in love with him, and the other bloke that the last 10 weeks have been nothing but a farce, the pain of which he can relive in glorious technicolour and digital stereo sound when it gets broadcast on national TV about six months later.

Fortunately Sam knows the importance of such an occasion calls for pristine dental health:

"When you're about to dump someone on national TV: choose Oral B!"

Over on the other side of town, the blokes are also preparing themselves by standing on the balconies of their respective Travelodges and wondering whether or not to jump:

"But do I really want my obituary to say I died in Auckland?"

"I suppose I could just leave a bad Tripadvisor review..."

Her teeth freshly whitened and enriched with the power of fluoride, Sam trips off to a magical meadow in the middle of New Zealand, home to the only gum tree in the world that flowers wisteria blossoms:

And only from its bottom two branches.

Even when it's dead.

No wonder Peter Jackson filmed Lord of the Rings here, it's literally fantastical.

"I've developed feelings for both Michael and Sasha, but at the end of the day I have to let someone go,"Sam says, as the limo of doom starts pulling up the driveway.

"This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do," she continues, as the limo drives up to the top of the hill.

"It's one of the most horrible feelings knowing that you are going to break someone's heart," she sighs, as the limo door opens and...

"HEY GUYS! Why's everyone looking so gloomy?"

Poor Michael has no idea he's about to walk to his doom.

Not even Osher Gunsberg can give him a hint, mainly because Osher isn't there: he refused to fly Air New Zealand when he found out they didn't have an organically sustainable vegan menu.

Still, the Real Doll they got to fill in for him is rather good.

Oh god, Michael.

Can't you hear the sad violins?

YOU'RE DOOMED, MAN.

DON'T GO DOWN THE HILL!

But down the hill he goes, where Sam gives him a long and boring speech about how he's beautiful and amazing with a wonderful heart and yada yada, but all you need to know is that it finishes with her making this face:

Unless, maybe she's saying she loves him so much it physically hurts?

Hint: She's not.

"It's OK, someone's gotta get hurt, that's how this works," says Michael. before saddling up his horse and riding off into the sunset.

No, actually, he doesn't do that. What he does do is turn around and trudge back up the massive hill he just came down.

In dress shoes.

Past the tombstones of previous Bachelors who never made it.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING SADDER THAN THIS?

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

Amazingly he gets to the top without needing a rest break or a water stop (lucky he's an athlete) and is immediately whisked away in the limo of doom one last time.

"I didn't even feel this gutted when the Socceroos turned me down."

But enough of this misery! Yo DJ, spin some uplifting music! You know, that jaunty violin shiz you've been playing all season. Track two on the "Royalty Free Violin Music" CD, right after "Track 1: Sad Violins for a Break-Up".

Sasha is here, and it's time for some romance!

But first, that hill:

Seriously, THEY MADE MICHAEL WALK BACK UP THIS THING IN DRESS SHOES.

WHILE HE WAS CRYING (probably).

Finally it's time for Sam to declare her love for Sasha, so she clears her throat to begin the big romantic speech she's been practising for weeks.

"Ahem," she begins.

"Cough cough," she continues.

"Ahem. Hmm. Cough cough. Sigh. Mmm. Ahem. Cough."

"What the fuck is this, an ad for Benadryl?"

But finally she spits it out (almost literally, actually).

"I was so scared to put myself out there and I had moments where I thought I was never going to find the right person for me, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't find someone who truly loved me as much as I loved them," she says.

"In fact, have I mentioned my greatest fear is..."

"OH MY GOD SHUT UP!"

"And then I realised I've been waiting my whole life to meet you," she says, as the music swells.

"I feel so blessed that you're here," she continues.

"And I feel so happy," she says.

"And I..."

Yes...?

"I..."

Come on...!

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

WOO!

"I truly do love you," says Sasha.

And so obviously this:

Well, that's a solid number to end on.

As Sam and Sasha swap saliva for one last time on national television, the camera tilts up and into the sky, leaving the two lovers underneath the mysterious dead wisteria gum tree with the rest of their lives ahead of them...

Oh, and a fucking massive hill.

THE. END.

(If you can't cope with this loss, you can always go back and READ EPISODE NINE again)

So, last weekend I judged a drag queen competition with Michelle Visage.

Oh sorry, you didn't catch that? I'll repeat it: LAST WEEKEND I, PETSTARR, THE GIRL WHO SPENDS FAR TOO MANY HOURS OF HER LIFE RECAPPING RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE EVERY YEAR, JUDGED A DRAG QUEEN COMPETITION WITH MICHELLE VISAGE.

Here is Michelle Visage and I on the judging panel, which was conveniently situated on the surface of Mars.

And here we are trying out Instagram's great new filter, "Burns Victim".

I was asked to be a part of the Adelaide round of "Clash of the Queens" by In The Dark Events, the fabulous boys and girls who bring all the Ru Girls out to tour Australia (follow them on Facebook if you don't already).

Actual footage of my reaction when I was asked to judge a drag queen competition with Michelle Visage.

My friend and I actually had dinner with Michelle the night before the competition. Well, WE had dinner, she took Snapchats and stared at her empty plate. (She's a gluten-free tee-totalling vegan who doesn't eat soy or tomatoes and possibly only lives on oxygen and sequins, so you know, finding a restaurant that could accommodate her was a bit of a challenge.)

What's she like?

Well, she has FANTASTIC SKIN. I mean, seriously, flawless. If this is what happens when you stop eating literally everything then I'm on board. (Oh look, pizza!) (Fuck.)

She is small. She is funny. She has bad-ass dress sense. To dinner she wore boyfriend jeans, hair swept back with a bandana and a fur coat (it was 26C), with giant Swarovski crystal encrusted teddy bear earrings.

To the drag show she wore... well, here she is:

Because my friend and I are super professional, we brought along a Seduction album for Michelle to sign.
She pretended to be thrilled.

I'd also like to point out that both she and I wore matching facial diamante stick-ons. Obviously this makes us BFFs now.

She and I agreed on almost everything at the drag judging panel, so I (sadly) didn't get any side-eye or finger waves.

She did however throw some shade at Courtney Act, telling one queen: "You could teach Courtney Act a thing or two". Pretty sure it was meant less as a compliment to the contestant and more as a slight on Courtney, tbh.

We unanimously agreed the winner was Berri Juicy (check her out on Facebook) who did a bangin' lip sync to Nicki Minaj where her boob popped out. Fierce.

And here's the photo I took at the end of the night when I was a bit drunk because I liked my makeup and didn't want to take it off.

Meanwhile, RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 starts on Monday, and I'll be recapping it as usual!

So you'd best go back and read my Season 7 recaps to get yourself in the mood. Start right here with EPISODE 1.

So Rupaul's Drag Race is back once again for another year, which is brilliant because I was only thinking the other day how much sleep I was getting and how much I was enjoying not staying up until 3am trying to come up with funny ways to compare drag queens to Etsy products and thinking of euphemisms for Michelle Visage's boobs.

PHEW, THANK GOD THAT PERIOD OF HAPPINESS AND SANITY IS FINALLY OVER.

Yes, I'll be recapping the show for your reading pleasure once more, and once more I'll have my Holy Six Pack to guide and advise me, made up of the fiercest Ru Girls of all time: Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska Thunderfuck, Bianca Del Rio and the Pride of Australia Courtney Act, plus new addition for 2016 KATYA!

WELCOME KATYA!

And so here we are at season eight, episode one, which actually is episode 100 in the series so far. WOW, 100 EPISODES, THAT'S AMAZING! POP THE FRUITY LEXIA ETC.

Well actually, it's only 100 episodes if you count Drag Race All stars, and no one does (sorry, Chad Michaels), so we're really only at episode 94, but I guess that doesn't sound as good.

"I'm 94 today!"

"Whatever, call me back in six years."

So to celebrate we start with a rapid fire montage of all the memorable moments and annoying catchphrases (I'm looking at you, Laganja) of the last seven years, which sadly neglects to include Willam vomiting, Jasmine Masters taking 27 minutes to explain what a cocoon is or Darienne Lake falling over in a giant garbage bag.

Here, I fixed that last one for you.
And without further do or fannying about we're straight into the Werk Room and meeting our first queen, 21-year-old Naomi Smalls, who describes herself as "a tall glass of water".

If Naomi is a glass of water, it's one from Flint, Michigan.

Naomi prides herself on looking like a '90s supermodel, right down to her total lack of breasts, which is really unique and something that's never been attempted before in drag.

Except for that one time.

Next up is 34 year old Puerto-Rican-Texan Cynthia-Lee Fontaine, who looks like Courtney Cox on a meth binge.

Well how else do you think she stays up all night to Bedazzle her outfits?

"EYE YAM SICKSY AS A GODDESSES AND FUNNY AS A CLAYYANN," she says in her bizarre hybrid accent, sounding a bit like Sofia Vergara having a stroke.

Then she bends over and yells: "DO YA WANNA SEE MY COO-COO?"

Sigh. It's going to be THAT kind of year.

Moving on to Dax Exclamation Point, a name that makes me think perhaps her application form was filled out by the same sort of person who makes cakes like this:

"Yep, just write 'congratulations' as small as possible..."

Anyway here in Australia she'd be "Dax Exclamation Mark", so I might just call her Mark.

Mark looks a bit like Grace Jones crossed with Tina Turner from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and describes herself as "the queen of all nerds", I think because... comic books? Or something?

Something tells me she's not really into coding.

"I'm very inspired by superheroes, strong, bad bitches who don't take any crap from anybody else," she snarls, then immediately sits down because her feet hurt. Just like a real superhero would.

Next up is 31-year-old Chiacago queen Naysha Lopez, who wastes no time getting some free publicity for her auntie's online antique store by doing a quick impression of this Halloween inspired candelabra:

Only $14.99 on sale now!

Then there's 37-year-old Brooklyn girl Acid Betty, who walks in looking like she's just experienced an unfortunate cooking-related accident:

Just a few more sprays of Crisco and she should be able to prise that meatloaf pan off her face.

"I'm basically a drug trip without the drugs," she says, which in medical circles is sometimes known as "schizophrenia".

"The main bullet point of Acid Betty is she's a bitch, even Bianca wouldn't f**k with her," she says, before prancing around the room like a toddler on dexys.

Meanwhile, watching at home.

Suddenly the Werk Room doors fly open and season five champion Jinkx Monsoon blows into the room, looking rather worse for wear after what has obviously been a marathon few days of drinking, drugs and Taco Bell and...

Oh no, wait. It's just next contestant Robbie Turner.

Can somebody get that wig a drink?

"My look is classic: Rita Hayworth hair, Jean Harlow robe," she says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Who?"

"I dunno, I'm Googling it."

Moving right along to Kim Chi, 27 of Chicago, who has possibly just come from the same kitchen Acid Betty was in earlier:

"Is there any of that Crisco left? This damn cake tin..."

Then there' Thorgy Thor, 31 from Brooklyn, who strides in looking like Ronald McDonald's circus performing auntie Brenda McDonald:

Just don't ask to see her two all beef patties. Or her special sauce.

Meanwhile, under the makeup, Thorgy may actually be the lovechild of Adam Duritz, Penn Jillette and Dwayne from A Different World:

I think you'll find this math checks out.

Turns out Thorgy and Acid Betty know each other from the Brooklyn drag scene, so here's hoping they come to blows over the right way to make cold press coffee or rainbow bagels or something.

Next through the door is Bob the Drag Queen, who immediately becomes one of my favourites for putting the least amount of effort into her name.

Just like on a still night at the beach, the "c" is silent.

"ALRIGHT LADIES LET'S TURN UP THE JUICE AND SEE WHAT SHAKES LOOSE," yells 22-year-old Laila McQueen, shuffling through the door looking like Hamburglar's mistress:

Robble robble.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room:

"Yay a work reunion!"

Moving along to Louisiana queen Chi Chi DeVayne, a staunch environmentalist who has decided to use her first TV appearance to highlight the importance of recycling by wearing a Tuff Stuff maxi bag:

"Mmm, lavender scented - nice touch."

"LEZZY LAY BON TOMP ROO LAY!" she shouts, which I think is an attempt at French but which is greeted with such disdain by the other queens she might as well have just farted the national anthem.

This is the appropriate reaction to that.

"I'm a cheap queen,"Chi Chi says, as she picks a bit of last night's pasta bake off her garbage bag skirt.

You don't say.

And finally we have Derrick Barry, 32 from Las Vegas, otherwise known as:

"OMG THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS!"

Derrick is a professional Britney Spears impersonator. She is so good at it, she even looks like her out of drag:

That's Derrick on the left.

"I would love to believe I'm the best Britney in the world - that's what people say," she chirps.

Meanwhile, watching at home.

"Alright Derrick, there are TWO boy names here now!" exclaims Bob the Drag Queen as Derrick smiles and tosses her hair.

"Three actually but... no that's OK, never mind..."

Suddenly what sounds like RuPaul being stuffed into a blender rings through the air, which can only mean one thing: the first ASexual Non Gender Specific Mail has arrived!

"Whether you're walking children in nature or feeling the shade of it all, the time has come for you to eche pa'lante," says RuPaul from the piece of green cardboard on the wall they've all agreed to pretend is a real flatscreen TV.

The Laganja-meter is going to break if they keep this shit up.

Just then a high-pitched whistle rings out through the Werk Room, causing all the queens to clutch their ears in pain - Kim Chi even more so, as she accidentally stabs both her hands on her metal headpiece. Everyone panics as the floor begins to vibrate, causing Derrick's foam padding to fall out as she cries "You wanna piece of me?".

Zing!

Meanwhile Mark the superhero is like "I'm not saving any of y'all, my feet hurt."

But there's no time for a rescue plan anyway, because suddenly the door at the top of the stairs swings open and...

It's Pharrell Williams, modelling the latest in upholstery designs from Ikea.

"I've arranged a photo shoot with some extra special guest stars,"Ru's hat announces, before he disappears in a puff of smoke.

As it turns out, the special guest stars are none other than:

Season three winner Raja!

Season seven winner Violet Chachki!

Season four winner Sharon Needles!

And... that one!

PHOTO SHOOT IN A NUTSHELL:

* Naomi Smalls kills it:

Bitch knows how to pose.

* So does Derrick Barry:

Go tell the governor!

* Robbie Turner shows up looking exactly like Jinkx Monsoon, has to pose next to Jinkx Monsoon:

"Well this is awkward."

"Hahaha - my lawyers will be in touch."

* Chi Chi DeVayne crouches down in an attempt to look coquettish, accidentally looks like a cross dressing midget hiding in the rubbish collection:

Not the look she was going for, sadly.

* Bob the Drag Queen looks like she's in brace position on the world's gayest airline:

Although when the captain says you're "going down" that could mean anything...

* "I'M READY TO SHOW MY COO-COO!" shouts Cynthia-Lee.

OK girl, we get it.

* Meanwhile Raja is modelling the latest from Tiffany's new collection for the US maximum security prison system:

Well hey, if Jean Paul Gaultier can design for Target... right?

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and we're back on the runway, where all the queens have come to receive their next challenge from RuPaul: trying to remove his enormous hat.

"Does anyone know where that can of Crisco went?"

No, actually, it's a fashion challenge where each queen will have to "re imagine" a look from a previous season. This is what's known in the industry as "being too lazy to come up with a new idea".

Robbie Turner is chosen at random to assign the looks, and... Well, when I say "at random", what I mean is Drag Race alumnus Morgan McMichaels comes on stage to fart out a ping pong ball with her name on it.

I may be prouder of this GIF than anything I've ever done.

In other news: can we please get Morgan McMichaels to pick America's Republican Presidential candidate? If it has to be Donald Trump, this method seems the most fitting way to announce it.

So, what looks will our queens be re imagining? Well, just try and remember the worst fashion challenges over the last seven seasons: those ones.

Robbie gets to work assigning all the different looks to her fellow contestants, making sure to give Naomi Smalls the one where she has to cover her perfect butt with a giant cardboard boat (well played), but unfortunately forgets to assign herself anything so gets stuck with the "Bitch Ball" challenge from season four.

And I'm sorry, but no one will ever do better than this, so she should just give up now.

And so we head back to the Werk Room to sort through outfit materials, which for Robbie includes a bowl full of dog treats.

"Have you ever tasted one of those, for real? They're actually good," drawls Chi Chi, as everyone stares in disbelief.

"I'm from the south, we eat everything honey. Possums, rats..."

"...Paula Deen's cooking, I mean ANYTHING."

Over in the other corner Derrick is trying to work out what to do for a "Christmas" look.

"My strategy for this challenge is to basically come out with my Britney look, but I just want to add to it," she says.

Hands up who thinks every one of Derrick's looks this season is going to be "Britney with a bit added to it"?

Thought so.

Meanwhile Laila McQueen is having trouble coming up with something for her "Rupocalypse" post-apocalyptic look, because of apparent philosophical differences with the concept of camouflage print.

"Camouflage is a disgusting component of human culture," she tells RuPaul, which is quite ironic for someone who literally camouflages their gender with makeup and wigs for a living.

Sadly Laila doesn't elaborate on this thought so I guess we'll never know what she really meant, but it does elicit this reaction from RuPaul, which is sort of worth it:

"What do you mean I'm wearing a giant orange hat...?"

"THIS THING IS TOO BIG!" shouts Naomi Smalls at her Pride Float Boat, the first time that sentence has ever passed her lips.

Meanwhile, I don't know what Chi Chi DeVayne's look is, but I hope it's "Female Hip Hop Stars of the 90s" because she'll kill it:

On your marks, get set, it's time to have Pep...

But then she pulls on her shiny silver undies and splits a hole in them right up the middle. So I guess if she's going to be any 90s hip hop star it'll have to be Lil Kim.

Chi Chi is not happy about this situation.

This image speaks to me on so many levels.

Will she rescue her undies? (Probably)

Will she be kicked out of the competition? (Probably not, she's too funny)

Is this an over-dramatised bid to cook up some controversy before the adbreak? (Yes)

And with that...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In keeping with tonight's theme of recreating iconic looks from the past, RuPaul comes dressed as a character from a film released when she was just a teenager: The Wizard of Oz:

She didn't need the magic wand though, she already has one of those under her skirt.

* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has also joined in the theme, coming as Neil from The Young Ones:

"Anyone for lentil soup?"

* Guest judge Nicole Richie is also there, and compliments RuPaul on her Glinda the Good Witch look.

"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" asks RuPaul.

"Or a sandwich!" quips Nicole, before adding "That's what those things are called right?"

* First down the runway is Acid Betty in her "Money Ball" outfit, throwing out dollar bills like a broken ATM at Mardi Gras:

Actual footage of me on pay day.

* Next is Bob the Drag Queen whose "Gone with the Window" dress made out of curtains makes her look like Michelle Obama fallen on tough times:

It sure puts that Sound of Music wannabe to shame, though.

* Moving on to Mark, whose "Hello Kitty" inspired outfit consists of a bandage dress with some toys stuck to the top:

Not even a "pussy" joke will make this interesting.

* Then there's Naysha Lopez, who has stuck very strongly to her "Drag on a Dime" theme by ensuring her entire outfit looks like it cost no more than 10 cents total:

Who needs a corset? Just use a giant piece of cardboard with glitter stuck on.

Naysha models the ever popular "cardboard, shoelaces and Spanx" trend for summer.

But hey, at least her makeup looks good.

* Moving on to Kim Chi, who has either come dressed as the cowardly lion in an effort to suck up to RuPaul's Glinda, or has just inked a sponsorship deal with Rogaine:

Either way, this is awesome.

* Next up is Cynthia-Lee Fontaine with her "Sugar Ball" look, with a corset covered in candies and a shimmery pink skirt showing off her legs. Girl looks good.

Here Cynthia-Lee demonstrates what she normally does after eating candy.

I'm just about ready to jump on board the Cynthia-Lee drag-wagon... and then she shouts "ARE YOU READY FOR MY COO-COO?" for the 700th time this episode. GIRL, WE GET IT, REALLY.

* Hey, I wonder if Naomi Smalls is going to be able to overcome that giant, ugly cardboard boat to pull off a really cool runway look?

Looks like no.

So the rumours are true: she DOES have a big deck.

* THIS JUST IN: I love Chi Chi DeVayne:

The ripped undies are a bonus.

* Thorgy Thor comes dressed as red velvet cake, looks totally delicious:

Loving this.

* Robbie Turner attempts "Doggystyle Couture", somehow ends up looking like a sex doll wrapped in a roll of home insulation:

Even the dog is embarrassed to show its face.

* Derrick Barry pulls out all stops for her "Christmas" look, comes dressed as Britney Spears:

Well, Britney Spears AT CHRISTMAS though, so... you know.

* And finally it's Laila McQueen, who eschewed "disgusting" and offensive camouflage for her "RuPocalypse" look in favour of dressing like a Nazi SS commander:

She knows that "apocalypse" and "holocaust" are two different things, right?

* Bob, Mark, Cynthia-Lee, Chi Chi DeVayne and Thorgy Thor are all declared safe, and are sent backstage to the deluxe green room, where they can sit on milk crates and enjoy some room temperature glasses of water.

* "Every inch of your outfit is covered with a thought,"Michelle Visage tells Acid Betty.

Thoughts like "You really shouldn't have stuck that there" and "God that looks hideous".

* Nicole Richie tells Naysha Lopez, who is currently sporting a cardboard corset over a Spanx leotard, that she looks like Eva Longoria.

Meanwhile, watching at home.

* "This is the first garment I've ever made, and I don't really sew," says Naysha, as if those two facts aren't completely evident already.

* "The artistry on your face is like, geometric orgasm,"Michelle Visage tells Kim Chi.

Unlike the artistry on Michelle's face, which is more "Tan in a Can".

* RuPaul asks Nicole Richie whether she'd EVER wear Kim Chi's lion outfit, and everyone acts like it's a big joke.

HA HA HA as IF Nicole Richie would ever wear something that silly!.

* RuPaul points out the similarity between Naomi Smalls' long, dark hair and Michelle Visage's long, dark hair.

"It's very pretty, but my hair line's not clockable," spits Michelle.

The tan line, on the other hand...

* "We've seen Britney now - my challenge to you is to show us everything you've got BUT Britney,"La Visage tells Derrick Barry.

"OK," says Derrick.

"Shit," thinks Derrick.

* "Do you think you deserve to be in the bottom?"RuPaul asks Robbie Turner, who is currently standing before them with dog biscuits superglued to her boobs.

"Ummm... no... I think my personality is... winning..."Robbie says.

Clearly not everyone agrees.

* Carson Kressley tells Laila McQueen she looks "like Wynona Judd opened the oven too quickly and got a little burnt on the outside".

Meanwhile, at home:

"Who?"

* Laila throws some shade at Naomi, declaring her the "least put together" queen.

"Do you agree with that Naomi?"RuPaul asks.

Naomi has no idea what's going on.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Crisco, because... well, why not.

In a decision that surprises absolutely no one Kim Chi is crowned the night's winner, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a half used can of Glen 20 and a 50 per cent off coupon for Copperart (expired June 1991).

Then in a decision that surprises pretty much everyone, Robbie Turner is sent back to the safe zone, despite looking like a giant marshmallow treat for dogs.

I'd say "she'd give a dog a bone" but... you know. I'm not sure about that.

That leaves bottom two Naysha Lopez and Laila McQueen to duke it out in a lip sync battle to "Applause", the last hit Lady Gaga had before she realised no one cared about her antics anymore and she should just start wearing normal frocks again.

Laila definitely has the outfit advantage: her thigh high boots and military-esque jacket match the punkiness of the song. Not that it really matters, because anything would look more appropriate than Naysha who is rooted to the spot waving her hands around like she's in the Polynesian exhibit at Disneyworld circa 1975.

Or someone in a Claritin commercial.

Just to clarify:

"Imma whip your ass and you'll like it."

"WOO I'M A CROCODILE HA HA YEAH!"

Sadly Naysha's impromptu on-stage tribute to Steve Irwin is not enough to save her, and she is told to sashay away.

I'm not actually sure if this is her crying, or if she's still auditioning for that Claritin commercial.

Well that's it - one down, 11 to go. So hurry up and go READ EPISODE TWO! Or you can always go back and read my recaps of Season Seven or Season Six.

We rejoin our queens back in the Werk Room, where Kim Chi, Derrick Barry and Robbie Turner have decided to commemorate Naysha's departure with an impromptu production of The Wizard of Oz:

With Kim Chi as the cowardly lion, Derrick as Britney Spears, and Robbie as Toto.

Realising no one has yet been assigned the role of the Wicked Witch of the West, Laila McQueen steps in with some thoughts on the runway show.

"Naomi's boat looked like shit. Cynthia's outfit was a knock-off pink version of Detox's from her season," she snarls.

I've got to hand it to her, she CLOCKED this one.

"And miss Derrick Berry - girl, the first episode, a bikini? Really?"Laila says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"What's wrong with wearing a bikini in the first episode?"

Suddenly over the P.A we hear what sounds like RuPaul throwing up after eating one too many Tic Tacs, and... oh no wait, it's actually Bob throwing up.

The others did try to warn her about that curry last night.

No it's not, it's just the stupid noise that heralds another Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail.

"Blah blah blah, this bit is pointless as I'm just going to come into the room in three seconds and explain the next challenge anyway, blah bah blah," says RuPaul from the old pizza box mounted to the wall that everyone is pretending is a flat screen TV this week.

Suddenly the lights start to flicker as a cold chill comes over the Werk Room. The floor vibrates with a low humming noise, like a broken fridge, and the walls begin to shake, but no one notices because they're made of painted canvas and they shake all the time anyway. Cynthia starts picking candies off her bodice in order to stress-eat, but just as she's about to pop one in her mouth Derrick grabs it off her, points to the superglue on it and screams "TOXIC!"

ZING!

Just then the door at the stop of the stairs bursts open and...

It's a giant blue hat with RuPaul attached!

Everyone is super excited to see the hat, especially Acid Betty, Naomi and Robbie, who were just on their way out the door to a fancy dress party before it arrived.

Naomi is going as an extra from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Robbie is going as "transgender lumberjack", while Acid Betty is performing a conceptual art piece entitled "Bukkake Party in Mumbai".

"For today's mini challenge we'll be having a a latin-style dance off," says the hat.

"TCCHYEEEESSS! I LOFF AN ONFAIR ADVANTAGE!"

Well, he says "a latin style dance off" but what he really means is "an extended display of casual racism", as everyone drags up in "Spanish" costumes and starts making jokes about Latinas.

"Spanish women don't shave their legs, right? So my hairy legs are good?" says Thorgy Thor.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Pardon?"

KINDA RACIST LATIN STYLE DANCE-OFF IN A NUTSHELL:

* "Say hello to AB Soto!" says RuPaul, and everyone assumes they're about to star in a government information campaign about a new rare blood type, but then it turns out he's referring to an actual person:

Possibly debatable.

* Unfortunately Bob can't participate in the challenge, because she's off to that fancy dress party with everyone else:

She's going as Missy Elliot circa the "Work It" video.

* Dazed and confused from a hard night on the tacos, Jinkx Monsoon shows up thinking she's still on the show:

"TEQUILA OFF A DUCK'S BACK, MOTHER F***ERS!"

* Chi Chi DeVayne maximises her on screen opportunity by advertising her new line of Y fronts:

Just $7.99 for qa pack of three, now available at Wal Mart.

* Meanwhile, off to one side:

"Hey, showing coo-coo is MY thing!"

* Laila McQueen looks like Speedy Gonzalez in drag:

Arriba!

* When you're totally nailing your audition but then you drop your fan:

It was going so well up to that point, too.

* When your eyebrows are on fleek but you realise left your mobile phone at home:

"HOW AM I GONNA TAKE A SELFIE NOW?"

* BREAKING: Thorgy Thor is my favourite. I mean, I'm not entirely convinced she's not actually Fred Armisen doing a Portlandia character, but I love her anyway.

* Meanwhile Derrick Barry's Britney impression really IS good, isn't it?

Just uncanny!

Cynthia-Lee Fontaine and Chi Chi DeVayne are declared the winners for being the only ones whose dancing didn't look like it required the attendance of paramedics, and they are made to pick teams for the main challenge - a drag revamp of the movie "Pitch Perfect".

I didn't see Pitch Perfect, but as I understand it involves a lot of singing and dancing, so this should be a shoo-in for Kim Chi who can do neither without looking like a yeti on valium.

Still, Rebel Wilson was in Pitch Perfect so there's probably still hope for her.

Chi Chi takes her "Shady Bitches" team of Acid Betty, Thorgy, Naomi and Mark into the corner to start learning the songs, something which annoys Acid Betty who thinks they should be learning the choreography first, no, they should be learning everything all at once, no actually they should have already had all this shit down and be finished already.

"We've got to start doing something, we can't just sit here LEARNING WORDS," she says, because she is a brilliant artist and brilliant artists don't need stupid words.

"Nah screw the script, I'll just wing it."

"I've known Betty for 10 years and because she's so artistic, sometimes she gets away with being a f**king asshole," says Thorgy.

You don't say.

Unfortunately when Chi Chi finally gives in and starts running through dance moves, Mark can't pick them up, because her rhythm of "pat, pat, pat-pat, pat" is too complex.

TFW you're in charge of choreography but your dancers can't even work out how to pat their boobs.

Meanwhile over in the other corner, NPR host Ira Glass has shown up to help Cynthia workshop her team's performance:

"Next on This American Life: why cuts to public radio have forced me to moonlight on a reality TV show about drag queens."

The rest of team "Lady Bitches" - Bob, Derrick, Laila, Robbie and Kim - start working out their characters, with everyone deciding Laila should play Derrick's dumb, boring little sister.

"My biggest concern is that I'm going to fade into the background," says Laila, a valid concern given she is managing to do exactly that despite wearing spikes on her shoulders, purple hair and a nose ring.

Where'd she go?

Back over in Acid Betty's Work House, she's cracking the whip again because Chi Chi is daring to talk about shoes. And also breathe, and blink, and do anything except what Acid Betty thinks needs to be done to prepare for the challenge.

"So we all know our lip syncs somewhat, the words? I think that's going to be the most important part,"Betty says.

OH REALLY.

Just a reminder.

Meanwhile, over at Cynthia's work space, RuPaul is continuing in his mission to have the most oversized accessories on the show:

"Are those glasses bigger than mine?"

"Er... no ma'am. I just have a small head."

While RuPaul starts going through the wardrobes and setting fire to all the hats to prevent being upstaged again, Acid Betty and Chi Chi are busy staging the world's first Shady Reaction Face Olympics:

If only they could harness that energy, they could deliver clean power to half the midwest.

Speaking of shade, it seems there's a new addition to the Werk Room this year: the "Shade Tree":

The stunning set design on this show never fails to impress.

It looks like a truck stop bathroom but actually is a sort of video confessional where the queens can go in and unload.

So, kind of like a truck stop bathroom.

Meanwhile:

"I don't need no shade tree, I AM a shade tree."

With prep time over, everyone heads over to the runway to rehearse with professional choreographer Jamal Sims, who tries to help them through the force of his sheer good looks:

"It's no use... their dancing is too bad... my powers grow weak..."

Things get even worse when Kim "two left club feet" Chi and Laila "why am I here" McQueen step to the front line.

Kim Chi is Jamal's kryptonite.

Meanwhile, if that's the way Laila is planning on dancing, it's probably best if she does fade into the background.

"Kim Chi falls and my heart drops out of my coo coo," sighs Cynthia-Lee, shaking her head glumly.

OK, I officially love this catchphrase now.

"I can do the choreography but my only problem is hitting the points at the right times," laments Kim Chi, seemingly not understanding that "hitting the points at the right times" IS choreography.

So morose is Kim Chi that she heads to the Shade Tree, aka an iPhone on a stick in the corner of the tea room, to fret about her future in the competition.

I'm sure the All You Can Eat Chinese buffet restaurant they stole that neon sign from is going to come looking for it soon...

Will Kim Chi fail the dancing challenge? (Probably not.)

Will she get told to sashay away? (Doubtful.)

Is this a ploy to get us to empathise with her so we love her even more when she overcomes her problems to be in the final three? (Yep.)

Is it working? (Damn straight.)

Back in the Werk Room, all the queens are showcasing their multitasking skills by putting on makeup while simultaneously competing in an impromptu game of "Who's Had The Toughest Life?".

"I used to weigh 350 pounds," says Kim Chi.

"I was bullied for being chubby," says Acid Betty.

"I was bullied for being chubby AND gay," says Mark.

But then Kim Chi reveals her biggest secret:

Meanwhile Thorgy is like "Wait til they find out this isn't my real hair..."

Just as it's looking like Kim Chi is going to win the game, Chi Chi pipes up and announces she used to be in a gang.

"I've seen people shot, I've smelled the smell of brains," she says.

This is a smell wholly unfamiliar to Laila.

But enough of all this because...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* I tried to come up with something funny to say about RuPaul. I really did. But... I mean...

Just look at her. Seriously.

* Even Michelle Visage is devoid of comedic potential tonight, looking completely elegant and put together and fierce as hell:

And when you can't even crack a joke about La Visage, you know you're in trouble.

* Special guest judge Lucian Piane looks great too:

Even though his tie is still downloading.

* Even Jamal Sims looks good, despite dressing like a couch from the set of Mob Wives:

I wouldn't mind sitting on that couch.

* And then there is this person:

So.

Before we get to the runway, we have to endure the queens' presentation of "Bitch Perfect", their dragged up stage version of that film I didn't see because I'm not 12.

The basic premise is... oh look, it's really not important. Just know that it involves a lot of bad a cappella versions of RuPaul songs, which should be enough encouragement for you to hit the fast forward button.

* Bob looks like the lead singer from Twisted Sister fell asleep in a tanning booth:

"WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT!"

* I have no idea who this is:

None.

* I am pretty sure I went to school with this chick:

She was an exchange student, I'd recognise her anywhere.

* Team Lady Bitches sings RuPaul's "Superstar", pulls a comedy move that no one under the age of 30 will understand. (Sucked in, Tumblr kids)

* Team Shady Bitches drags up in their best street attire, looks like the best 90s hip hop crew that never was:

Whoever they are, I want to buy their album.

* Chi Chi lip syncs while doing a headstand and still manages to look cool as shit:

I would like to join this gang, please.

* Laila McQueen tries really hard not to fade into the background, fails.

There she is.

I think.

* Cynthia-Lee Fontaine tries to heed Jamal's earlier advice to "kick the energy up a notch", but misunderstands due to her limited English so instead just kicks off her shoe into the lighting rig.

"This is correct, yes? I kick into the energy source? Do you want to see my coo coo?"

Finally it's time for the fashion runway which, for no apparent reason, has been given the theme of "Movie Premiere Realness".

* Cynthia-Lee Fontaine is first up, looking absolutely gorgeous, if a little boring, in a bronze sequinned gown:

We've all been there.

* Next is Bob, showing some seriously excellent legs in a sheer black number.

OK, is everyone going to look great tonight? Because that's not funny.

* Chi Chi DeVayne looks fabulous:

Come on guys, seriously guys, you're giving me nothing...

* Moving on to Derrick Barry who for once has decided not to dress as Britney Spears:

Although if you've ever seen Britney at a movie premiere, you'd understand why.

* Also: I want Derrick's hair here, please and thank you.

* Well damn, Robbie Turner!

Nice of you to finally show up!

* Even Mark looks good:

Gorgeous.

* Fortunately for the purposes of comedy, Laila McQueen's attempt at looking classy is scuppered when she gets a run in her tights and a crippling attack of diarrhea on the runway at the same time:

That is a very unique look of pain on her face.

* And Kim Chi looks like a medical text book "before" photo:

Fig 1: The patient presented with itchy, pink pustules covering her chest and torso...

* But then along comes Naomi Smalls looking like Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell somehow made a daughter who grew up to be in En Vogue:

And I am LIVING for it.

* Then there's Acid Betty, who mishears "movie premiere realness" for "amateur theatre production of 'Marie Antoinette' in which the lead actress is involved in a horrible threshing accident to the face realness":

To be fair, she DID nail that brief...

* And what the fuck movie is Acid Betty going to, by the way? Presumably one where peripheral vision is not required.

* I don't know what movie premiere Thorgy Thor is going to either, but I'll bet there's cocaine involved:

I would so wear this.

* "Ladies, this week you worked in teams, but you'll be judged as individuals," announces RuPaul, thus completely negating what little point the team challenge had.

* Bob, Cynthia-Lee, Naomi, Robbie and Derrick are declared safe, and are sent back to the green room to enjoy some week-old rice crackers and a Fruit Box (just the one, they have to share it).

* Next under the microscope is Laila... except... huh. That's weird. Where'd she go?

"I'm here! I'm waving at you! Hello?"

I guess she must have gone to the toilet or something.

* "I can tell you played a character to cover up that you can't dance,"Michelle Visage tells Kim Chi.

"You know, like how I play a character to cover up that RuPaul barely even knows me."

"Security, please remove that woman to my right, whoever she is. She's annoying me."

* "I just wanna smell you," Jamal tells Kim Chi.

This is not normally what people say when faced with kimchi.

* Everybody loves Chi Chi Devayne, except Acid Betty who seethes so furiously at seeing her rival receive praise she starts picking up Radio 4 on her headpiece:

"Coming up next it's the World at One..."

* Jamal praises Acid Betty for being "a team player"; everyone immediately drops dead from severe irony.

"You were concerned about everybody else and I appreciate stuff like that because it lets me know you care," he tells her.

They see me trollin'.... they hatin'...

* "I love the headpiece, I love the body art, I'm not getting the train," says the person I've never seen before.

Frankly the only person who should be getting this train is the bin attendant at Goodwill.

* Meanwhile La Visage seems to love Acid Betty, telling her: "You're setting the bar so high."

She's set about 50 of them actually, all around her face.

* She's not so impressed with Mark, telling her she has a "quadra-butt".

Which I guess makes this an "octo-butt".

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Jill and Bobby's Quadra-Butt Store in Dayton, Ohio. Jill and Bobby's: serving the community since 1987 for all your quadra-butt needs.

Chi Chi is crowned the night's winner, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a 20 per cent off voucher for Olive Garden (redeemable Monday lunch only), a can of Diet Coke that RuPaul once considered drinking, and this look from Acid Betty:

When the fifth tequila takes hold but you have to keep it together to sell used cars.

But that's not all - RuPaul announces her prize package also includes a holiday in New England.

"YOU MEAN I GET TO GO OVERSEAS?" shrieks Chi Chi, for whom "geography" is just an abstract concept.

"New England? Man I can't wait, I bet it's better than crummy Old England."

Acid Betty, Thorgy Thor and Kim Chi are sent back to the starting blocks, leaving Mark and Laila "Two Times Bottom Two" McQueen to go head to head in a lip sync battle to disco classic "I Will Survive".

"Disco is not really my genre, but I'm confident I can beat... er... Laila. Sorry, I forgot her name for a sec," says Mark, stifling a yawn.

"Dax is kinda lacklustre, and this song is not lacklustre," drones Laila, looking like valium personified.

Me right now, listening to these two.

"Lacklustre" would seem to be an appropriate word to launch into this, potentially the most boring lip sync of all time, so let's go.

And it starts magnificently, with Laila doing her hair and Mark playing air piano like she's just dropped acid:

We've all been there.

They both slack around the stage looking thoroughly bored, a sentiment echoed by the judges.

Nothing of even minor interest happens until Mark accidentally dances straight into Laila and almost causes a drag collision:

"Sorry I didn't see you there, against the background..."

In an effort to stand out from the glittery backdrop Laila strips off her sequinned dress to dance in her underwear, an idea which probably looked better in her head:

At least I hope it did.

The judges are thrilled:

DAZZLED!

STUNNED!

SO APPROVING!

"Ladies, I've made my decision," announces RuPaul.

"Neither one of you survived that lip sync."

"OH MY GOD!"

"WHAT?"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

"Sorry, what's going on? I was trying to find my shoes..."

And so both Mark and Laila McQueen sashay away, hand in hand. THERE SHALL BE NO SHANTAYING TONIGHT.

But wait, what's happening at the judges' desk?

"Michelle, may I borrow your phone?" says RuPaul.

"I had to eliminate two queens tonight. How soon can you get here?" she says down the line.

Next week on Drag Race:

"SURPRISE, BITCHES!"

That's it for now kids, come back next week when I'll have all the tee on episode three!

Or stay here and just READ EPISODE ONE over and over again until I return.

We rejoin our queens back in the Werk Room after the stunning double elimination, where everyone is bereft at the loss of... er... that girl with the green hair and... um... that other one.

"If yew ain't steppin' dat puussy errrp, yer ass is gowwn howwwm," drawls Chi Chi DeVayne as I fall ever more in love with her.

"Who do you think RuPaul called?" says Naomi, who has already forgotten about the two evictees and has moved on to more pressing matters.

"Victoria Pork Chop Parker!" says Bob.

"Shangela!" says someone else.

Meanwhile Acid Betty is being uncharacteristically quiet...

"It's RuPaul. How soon can you get here?"

"I said never to call me on my bluetooth, dammit!"

"I think we should all agree that whoever the new girl is we should all ignore her and treat her like poo," says Acid Betty, trying to deflect attention from herself for the first time ever.

"I mean, I'd do that anyway, I just wanted to see if you guys were on board too."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where clearly no one has anything funny or interesting to say because "SHEEDUHREDDYYDUHHARHERRRRRZZZ".

"Guys, where are we supposed to be looking? Up there? At that piece of green cardboard? Is that it?"
"Just shut up and laugh intermittently."

"Blah blah blah henny blah blah blah hunties blah blah blah sheeduhreddyyyduhahherrzzz," a producer reads from a clipboard, standing in for the video of RuPaul they will edit in in post-production.

Just as Cynthia is trying to work out why RuPaul has suddenly gotten so much shorter and whiter and is reading from a clipboard, a terrible boom knocks everyone off their feet, and they collapse in a screaming pile of sequins - even Kim Chi, who's never gone down before.

Thorgy Thor starts counting her dreads to make sure they're all still there, while Robbie rushes to her workstation to check her Jinkx Monsoon shrine is still intact. (It is). Meanwhile, sensing the apocalypse might be nigh, Betty and Derrick begin to brawl over their only remaining food source: the last packet of M&Ms in the vending machine.

"If you hit me baby, one more time..." threatens Derrick, as Betty does.

See what I did there?
Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs begins to creak. The queens all gasp in horror as it swings open to reveal...

A BLACK HAT WITH RUPAUL ATTACHED.

"OH MY GOD, THE BLACK HAT!" screams Robbie, as she scratches that square off her "RuPaul's oversized hat bingo" card. Just a few more to go and she'll win the meat tray!

"When the Supreme Court legalised same sex marriage they moved this country boldly forward," announces the hat.

Oh, gay marriage. That sounds nice. We don't know about that down here in Australia. We're all too busy worrying about whether Teh Gayz are using anti-bullying programs in schools as a front to magically convert straight teenagers for their rainbow army:

We haven't got time to legalise gay marriage when there are pressing issues like this to deal with.

Damn, it's getting political up in here. ON A DRAG SHOW? Can't have that. Better move it along somehow...

Yep, that'll do it.
"For today's mini challenge I want you to drag up these basic black justices' robes - think Judge Judy couture," says RuPaul.

Actually, think "Judge Judy gets locked in a kindergarten and has to MacGyver her way out using only craft glue and glitter pens".

SUPREME COURT REALNESS CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL

* Bob somehow mishears the challenge as "dress as your favourite lesbian criminal"; comes as Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black:

"YO DANDELION WHERE YOU AT?"

* Naomi Smalls overacts in a big way:

Alternatively: "When someone says Derrick Barry is the prettiest girl in the room, in front of Naomi."

* I know I've said it before, but Derrick Barry's Britney Spears impression is just SO good;

She looks just like her!

* Acid Betty hears "supreme court challenge", comes as Lindsay Lohan on parole:

But with a less prominent five o'clock shadow.

* Robbie Turner does the craziest thing she can think of, recreates a muzzle out of a diamante necklace:

The only "justice" Robbie will come close to here is a severe penalty from the Fashion Police.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Yeah, and?"

* Cynthia puts on a pair of glasses, says "coo coo". It's so good to see her evolving each week.

* I have no idea what Kim Chi is doing:

Maybe this is why she's still a virgin.

* Thorgy Thor looks like the grandma from Rugrats on a meth binge:

I have no idea how this relates to the supreme court.

* Chi Chi looks... actually, pretty good:

Judging you. HARSHLY.

Naomi Smalls is declared the winner for some reason and receives a puff of air from RuPaul's mouth as a prize. She will treasure it forever.

"Last week's double elimination left a void that I've decided to fill," announces RuPaul.

Kim Chi is particularly interested, as she also has a void that needs filling.

This is it! This is where we find out who RuPaul called on the phone last week! Another queen is returning!

Will it be Sharon Needles?

Alaska?

Jinkx Monsoon?

Oh wait, no, that would be too confusing.

No, it's none of those... it's...

Oh. Her.

Yes, Naysha's back. Yawn.

Still, it's better than the last time we saw Naysha's back:

THE HORROR.
With Naysha Lopez back in the competition and everything back to how it was in week one (well Laila and Mark aren't there but you can't really tell the difference) RuPaul goes on to explain the week's main challenge: acting in a parody of TV series "Empire".

Everyone squeals with delight despite having never seen an episode.

"Empire? Is that the one with the dragons and naked girls and shit?"

Naysha and Naomi are appointed team captains, and split off to start rehearsing.

Naysha still has her limited edition RuPaul figurine. It's not quite as good as the limited edition "Naysha Lopez clutching RuPaul mini figurine figurine" that Naomi has, though.

Team captain Naysha immediately proves her total lack of skills in the area of casting by appointing Derrick to the role of "Ginger Snap - a classic militant lesbian activist".

"But Britney's never done that look...?"

She follows this inspired decision by putting Kim Chi, a fairly introverted queen who can barely talk without falling over her own lips, in the role of "Chocolate Chip Cookie - an over the top super diva with major attitude".

Over in the other corner, Chi Chi DeVayne takes one look at Naysha's team and sums up the problem in two words:

Why it gotta be black?

Meanwhile, over on Team Empire Strikes Black, everyone is feeling their oats because Robbie Turner, who is apparently a Trained Actress, is giving everyone lessons in the Stanislavsky method to ensure they win the challenge.

"We're definitely gonna win this challenge," beams Chi Chi.

Nek minit.

Back on the other side of the room, Naysha has finally worked out that a lisping Korean virgin is perhaps not the best choice to play an in-your-face, over the top, black diva, and so has recast the role of Chocolate Chip Cookie with Thorgy Thor, who is so white she gets a sunburn from the TV.

Well... at least she has dreads.

Hey, Chi Chi, what colour is Thorgy?

Thought so.

Finally it's time to move over to the film set where hip hop mogul Faith Evans is waiting to collect her pay cheque.

Eager to impress her, Derrick immediately launches into an impromptu performance of "I might be white but I can still kick it yo check out my 'fro".

It does not go down well.

When you drop a fully sick battle rap, but you're wearing your mum's skivvy.

Over to you, Chi Chi:

Accurate assessment.

EMPIRE CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL

* Naysha's team opts to go first, as they're all on their way to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Come as your favourite Drag Race character".

Acid Betty is going as Michelle Visage without her wig on:

Somehow she ISN'T playing the militant lesbian role.

* Thorgy Thor is going as Michelle Visage with her wig on:

"I ASKED FOR GLUTEN FREE MUFFINS YOU ASSHOLE!"

* Kim Chi is going as the love-child of Jujubee and Gia Gunn:

Aw, she inherited her mum's wonky eyelash.

* Not to be outdone, Naysha is going as the love-child of Manila Luzon and Phi Phi O'Hara:

If this were 2001, she'd probably get a recording deal from this hairdo alone.

* And Derrick Barry is going as someone who is

Nailed it.

* Disappointed with Kim Chi's level of blackness, Faith Hill gives some advice on how to improve her characterisation:

"Pretend like you're stuck in a barrel of peanut butter and you have to lick your way out."

"Uh huh, that's what we black people do."

Meanwhile, backstage:

"SHE'S RIGHT!"

* Next up is Naomi's team, who are also on their way to a fancy dress party with the theme "Come as your favourite '90s female rapper".

Chi Chi is going as Mary J Blige:

Nailed it.

* Naomi is going as Spinderella from Salt N Pepa:

"JUST BECAUSE MY NAME ISN'T A CONDIMENT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE BAND."

* Cynthia is going as Dolly Parton that time she rapped on the Queen Latifah show:

Yes, that really happened.

* Robbie can't think of any 90s rappers, just dresses as Stevie Nicks:

"What is rap anyway? IT'S NOT REAL MUSIC."

* And Bob is going as Britney Spears from the Toxic video:

Not 90s, not a rapper. Not a woman either so hey, who cares.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Fuck."

* Cynthia accidentally mishears her role of "strong, gay woman" as "insane disco clown pimp":

Nails it.

* In a plot development that surprises absolutely no one, Robbie "the trained actress" turns out to be a bit shit at acting.

"Oh you thought I was a THESPIAN? No, I said I wanted to play the LESBIAN."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room where everyone is preparing for the runway show which this week is totally no big deal at all it just involves them doing it

ON ROLLERSKATES.

Yes, not only does each queen have to come up with some sort of fabulous outfit, they then have to model it on the runway

ON ROLLERSKATES.

For some reason, no one seems the least concerned about this except for Bob, who appears to be the only one to have never rollerskated before, despite it being 2016 and not 1975.

Honestly, what is going on here? If someone asked me to rollerskate down a runway I'd probably punch them in the face out of fear. And here these queens are like "sure no problem am I allowed to do tricks too?".

"You've NEVER skated before?"Acid Betty gasps at Bob, as though she's just announced she's never caught a bus before or eaten yoghurt.

IT'S 2016, NO ONE FUCKING ROLLERSKATES ANYMORE.

I have no humorous caption for this, but I don't really think I need one.

"Girl, I'm the disco rockin' diva of the roller rink," brags Robbie, who may actually be Brains from Thunderbirds.

That's not fair though - if she falls down, whoever's pulling the strings will just hoist her back up.

Meanwhile, Thorgy is busy telling a story about how her mum died of cancer and her dad didn't tell her until it was too late and... it's really very sad and not funny at all, so that's all I'm going to say about that.

BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE THORGY SO MUCH THORGY FTW.

Anyway, enough teary stories. Chi Chi, what do we want the mood to be?

CORRECT!

And so without further ado...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In an effort to secure Rocco's Car Detailing in Daytona Beach, Florida as a new sponsor for the show, RuPaul ROLLERSKATES DOWN THE GOD DAMN RUNWAY dressed as this car:

Sadly, the deal falls through when Rocco realises the show isn't the type of "drag race" he thought it was.

* Meanwhile, on the judges' panel:

"Great, so I wore this metallic auto paint on my lips for nothing? I probably have lead poisoning now."

* RuPaul asks judge Carson Kressley what his favourite cookie is.

"I like those Samoans," says Carson.

"IT'S A SAMOA! NOT A SAMOAN! A SAMOAN IS A PERSON!" wails Michelle.

"No shit, Michelle. Say, how's your head?"

PS: From a confused Aussie - what the hell is a Samoa cookie?

* Faith Evans is back on the judging panel, along with some other rando, I dunno, whatever, no one cares.

* First one down the runway is Naysha Lopez. Actually she's the first one down ON the runway...

When you stack it at the roller disco and try to turn it into a cool dance so no one notices.

* Thorgy Thor skates like she was born wearing wheels, can do no wrong.

Love her.

* Derrick Barry looks like Britney Spears after a tragic accident at the bubble wrap factory:

"I'm sorry ma'am, we couldn't save your right arm."

* Despite not being able to walk a straight line without looking like a stoned gorilla, Kim Chi manages to skate down the runway dressed as a giant bird:

She truly is a wonder of modern ornithology.

* Acid Betty looks like the singer from Dead or Alive had a three way with Tina Turner from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and a unicorn and gave birth in a BDSM dungeon:

AND I AM TOTALLY LIVING FOR IT.

* Naomi's all like "Should I put together an awesome outfit for this runway?"

"Nah, I'll just slap on a bikini and wrap this bedsheet around me, whatevs."

* Everyone is doing so well on these skates, it's sort of unimpressive now.

Oh wait, spoke too soon.

When you're just skating along in your Tron outfit and someone starts playing "Love Machine".

* "I LOFF my runwayyy outfit, it's like Farrah Fawcett meets with Olivia Newton John in Texas," coos Cynthia.

I think we all know this is actually more like Jessica Simpson meets sunburned legs in Party City.

* Chi Chi backwards skates down the runway like something straight out of a 90s music video:

She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends...

* Recognising her lacklustre performance in the acting challenge impressed exactly no one, Robbie turns it up for the runway, literally:

If they can work out a way to plug her in to the main fusebox, they shouldbe able to power the studio for at least a week.

* After the runway, RuPaul plays the two Empire skits they all filmed earlier. Sadly the footage is copyrighted so I can't reproduce it, but here's a re enactment to give you an idea of how it turned out:

As you can see it was extremely well acted, and everyone did brilliantly.

* Naysha, Kim Chi, Naomi and Chi Chi are all declared safe, and rollerskate off to the green room to enjoy a some lukewarm instant coffee while being glared at by a surly production assistant.

* "You're very '70s, you've got the big blonde 'fro,"Carson tells Thorgy, which is sort of more a statement of fact than a judgement, but sure OK why not.

* "YOU'RE SO GOOD!" yells Michelle Visage to Thorgy, which is also a statement of fact.

* "I feel like you're coming out here and these clothes are wearing you,"Michelle tells Derrick.

This is news to Derrick, as she's barely wearing clothes at all.

* "What you need to get to work on is giving us your soul,"La Visage tells Derrick, before pointing at her Logo TV contract and saying "See? It says so right here."

* Michelle tells Acid Betty her look is predictable.

"I want to see something way different," she says.

Yeah, the cross-dressing unicorn beast warrior thing is getting so tired. Yawn.

* Everyone raves about Bob's robot look as though she hasn't just put on some shitty silver lipstick, slipped into a spandex bodysuit and stumbled all over the runway.

Although if she intentionally did this: SNAPS TO YOU, MAMA.

* "What's bothering me about your look is all the silver acoutrements and then the gold necklace,"Michelle tells Robbie.

When Michelle Visage starts giving you lectures about wearing too many accessories, you know you've gone too far.

* "Thorgy Thor's Chocolate Chip Cookie brings all the boys to the yard," declares Carson.

"That's a milkshake," corrects Faith Evans.

"I swear, can I not get a break today on these damn cookie jokes...?"

* "I just feel like Cynthia didn't commit to the role that she had in the scene," declares the random whoever judge.

Whatever the hell this is, you can't say it's not committed.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Gays for Donald Trump. "Just because you pump, doesn't mean you can't support Trump!"

Bob is declared the winner of the acting challenge and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a rare copy of the Bodyguard soundtrack signed by Michelle Visage (although it's actually rarer to find one she HASN'T signed), an HB pencil (sharpening required) and a can of Miracle Whip (expiry 2007),

Acid Betty and Derrick Barry are sent back to the safe zone, leaving Cynthia-Lee Fontaine and Robbie Turner to duke it out in a lip sync battle to end all battles...

ON ROLLERSKATES.

Well, Robbie keeps her skates on, Cynthia swaps hers for some truly terrible gold strappy things:

Although to be fair, nothing would have improved this outfit.

And so begins an epic lip sync to Faith Evans'"Mesmerise", a rockin' disco track I have never heard before but am now officially obsessed with, and it's clear from the outset that Robbie has this one in the bag.

"EVERYONE IS MESMERISED ABOUT MY COO COO AND MY DANCE!" gasps Cynthia, as Robbie skates past her backwards, doing a pirouette.

Yeah, no they're not, sweetie.

When you're just trying to feel your coo coo and some bitch rollerskates into the lights.

Cynthia tries her hardest, death dropping and doing the splits but it's no use, Robbie is skating rings around her, literally.

And while Cynthia is shaking her bright red coo coo all over the place, ultimately it just can't compete with Robbie's incredible flying butt:

If you watch this in reverse, it's even more impressive.

And so Cynthia-Lee Fontaine sashays away, taking her coo coo with her.

Poor Cynthia. If only she hadn't been so...

Exactly.

Join me again next week for episode four, but in the meantime why not go back and READ EPISODE TWO again? You might like it even more this time!

We begin this week's episode in the empty Werk Room, where the queens are solemnly filing in one by one, their hearts heavy after Cynthia's eviction...

Well, the expression of grief can take many forms...

As Robbie wipes Cynthia's spelling mistakes off the mirror, everyone takes a moment to reflect on what a talented queen she was, and how beautiful...

...but mostly on how terrible her outfit was.

Meanwhile:

TFW you realise the cucu is gone forever.

Suddenly Derrick pipes up, complaining that Michelle Visage told her she doesn't have a soul.

"No, Michelle said you don't have 'soul', she didn't say you don't have A soul," corrects Bob.

"Then I'll just start twerkin'!" giggles Derrick, before shaking her butt and shouting "COME ON BARRY BOOTY!"

TFW you confuse the concept of "soul" with the concept of "being black".

Everyone shifts uncomfortably and looks away like Derrick is their casually racist uncle at Christmas dinner, and tries to change the conversation before she starts talking about watermelon and fried chicken.

Hey, uh, Chi Chi? Do you have an opinion on this?

Thought so.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, and...

(By the way, someone messaged me about this wanting to know what I was on about. You know it's this, right?)

Well, now you do.
So it's the next day in the Werk Room, and for the second week in a row no one does or says anything of interest because before anyone can even open their mouths they're summoned by RuPaul's siren call to stare at an old sheet of newspaper pinned to the wall and pretend it's a flat screen TV.

"SHEEDUHHREDDYHADHERSSSS HEY WE COULD SAVE AT LEAST 30 SECONDS PER EPISODE IF WE JUST CUT THIS POINTLESS BIT OUT AND THEN WE COULD HAVE MORE TIME FOR THE RUNWAY SHOW JUST SAYIN'," screams RuPaul.

"Blah blah blah music pun blah blah blah reference to the '80s blah blah blah Blondie blah blah blah you can probably ignore this bit because it will all be explained when I walk in the door in 60 seconds' time anyway blah blah blah," says RuPaul.

Meanwhile in the corner, Derrick is still trying to work out what "soul" is.

"Hey guys, I think I've got it! This is soul, right?"

Everyone immediately starts trying to make sense of RuPaul's fiendishly cryptic clues (Rock the Casbah? The Tide is High? What could she possibly be saying?) except for Thorgy, who is too busy admiring the life size Kim Chi statue she ordered off Ali Baba:

"It's accurate to EVERY measurement!"

Just as Thorgy is demonstrating how her statue can walk more gracefully than the real Kim Chi, the lights start to flicker and swing violently from side to side, casting ominous shadows across the room that make Acid Betty look even more psycho than usual.

Suddenly a chill falls over the Werk Room, forcing everyone to huddle underneath Thorgy's dreadlocks for warmth, but a fight breaks out when Derrick can only fit under the fringe.

"GIMME MORE," she shouts.

Never gets old

Everyone gasps as the door at the top of the stairs creaks open and...

OH MY GOD IT'S A BROWN HAT!

"CAN IT BE TRUE? IS IT REALLY BROWN?"

"YASSSSSS! BROWN'S IN TOWN!"

"The complex mathematical algorithms that monitor the ratings for this show have determined the most lucrative demographic at which to pitch advertising is the over 30s," announces the brown hat.

"To that end, I am going to mention some 1980s bands, to which you should respond dramatically. The B-52s, Blondie, Wendy O Williams."

Yes, very dramatic, very good.

Great facial work, very expressive, good job.

"Hey guys, can you see my soul yet?"

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Wendy Williams was in a band?"

"For this week's maxi challenge you're going to form your own new wave band," announces the brown hat, before adding: "Make your own damn teams, I can't be bothered anymore," and floating out the door.

"But I can't afford a new weave!"

The queens quickly form into two teams (Kim Chi, Robbie and Naomi, and Thorgy, Bob and Acid Betty) and one bunch of leftovers (Naysha, Derrick and Chi Chi) and get to work writing their totally rad 1980s new wave songs.

Robbie's team takes "punk" as their genre, which is perfect for them because how much more punk can you get than a 1950s glamour housewife, a supermodel with no eyebrows and a lisping, introverted Korean?

Honestly, I thought this was a picture of the Sex Pistols when I first saw it.

Bonus Bob:

Alternatively: "When you're about to sing and someone punches you in the balls".

Bob's and Naysha's teams almost come to blows when it's revealed they both want the "party" genre, until Chi Chi announces she'd prefer "synth".

"Synth has soul, it has rhythm," says Chi Chi.

"Hang on, it has what?"

Note to Chi Chi: picking a genre for its "soul" when one has Derrick on the team is not necessarily the smartest move.

And so #TeamLeftover takes synth while Bob, Acid Betty and Thorgy dance off to the corner to do whatever it is a party band does.

Or, as half the letters have fallen off their team notebook, whatever this band does:

I can't wait to hear their rhythm section!

HANG ON EVERYBODY, NAYSHA'S HAD A GREAT IDEA.

"Why don't we incorporate shapes? I'm circle, you're triangle, and you're square," she says, pointing to Derrick.

"Yeah I know, but what shape am I?" asks Derrick.

"We can even be THE SHAPES," continues Naysha, with the conviction of someone who genuinely believes they've had a good idea for a cool band name, rather than someone who has possibly just named something she saw on Sesame Street last week.

Things go from bad to worse when Chi Chi suggests wearing cardboard cut-outs of shapes as their costumes.

"I don't want to come out in a box," moans Derrick, who has never been anywhere near a box in her life.

"I don't wanna hellllp you guysss, but the genre of synth was allll about geometric shapes and oddness," says Acid Betty, who is definitely being helpful and not stirring the pot at all.

She won't be so smug when that giant bear attacks her.

Not that things are going brilliantly for her team either, with Bob and Thorgy bickering so much over the lyrics to their song "Street Meat", it's like Lennon and McCartney on Ritalin.

"The first line could be 'what's that smell?'," suggests Thorgy,

"And then we could do a line about 'big black beans'," says Bob.

When you're writing a song about "street meat" but think a line about "big black beans" is too vulgar.

Meanwhile on the other side of the room, Robbie's team is going really well getting into their hardcore punk personas, embracing the political, anti-establishment ethos of the genre to produce a really groundbreaking piece of art that will shake society to its very foundations.

"What about if our song was about chicken wings?" says Kim Chi.

Well, hey: who said chickens can't be punk?

Back over with The Shapes, Naysha and Derrick are struggling to come up with cool lyrics for their song. Possibly because they are in a band called "The Shapes" singing about shapes.

"Don't worry, Chi Chi will help us 'soul' it up," says Derrick.

"DAMMIT DERRICK HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SAY IT?"

Doobly doo music wavy lines etc and we're in the rehearsal room, where music whizz sort of person Lucian Piane is ready to put the queens through their new wave paces. Or at least just make them sing really badly for the next 10 minutes so we can all laugh at them.

First up are The Shapes, who are now apparently called Dragometry, which is only a marginal improvement but is still better than the name of RuPaul's first band, Wee Wee Pole.

"This challenge is going to show everyone I do have soul," announces Derrick, before shrieking into the microphone like someone who's just stepped on a rusty nail.

No amount of soul can save this.

"I feel like it might be fun for you guys to TALK-sing some of this," suggests Lucian, which is a nice way of saying "PLEASE DON'T SING ANY MORE, GOD PLEASE SPARE MY EARS, I NEED THEM FOR WORK".

"None of you are incredible vocalists," says Lucian.

So Derrick has that in common with Britney Spears too.

Moving on to Kim Chi, Robbie and Naomi with Les Chicken Wings, the punk tribute to KFC nobody asked for.

"I wanna hear a little anger from you," says Lucian.

The angriest thing about this band is Naomi's T shirt, and even that's unconvincing.

Next up is Bob, Thorgy and Betty, who kick things off in spectacular fashion by arguing for five minutes in answer to the question "Do you like your song?".

"Er, are you sure you guys don't want to do punk instead...?"

To be fair it's a difficult question to answer, given their song appears to be a rip-off of the B-52's Rock Lobster with new lyrics about male prostitutes. It's possible no one will ever like this song.

Things get worse when they give it a run-through and Lucian tells them it's "too theatrical".

You know, like how the B-52s were totally not theatrical at all.

"It doesn't have that cool B-52s vibe, right now it's just reading as cheesy," he says.

Again, I...

"I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING," says Bob, echoing the thoughts of every person watching this show.

"It's just about creating your own style, like, even someone like Lorde..." says Lucian.

"I HATE HER. I CAN'T WITH HER," spits Bob.

"Why can't you understand what I'm saying? Be like the B-52s but cooler, and be like Lorde but not like a teenage girl, and be less theatrical in a 1980s way. IT'S SIMPLE. GOD."

"It's very surprising that any queen would come for me, because I'm going to be judging these bitches," says Lucian.

Guess that counts Bob out of winning this challenge, then.

So it looks like never being a royal is something she'll have in common with Lorde.

Back in the Werk Room the queens are getting all dragged up, and Chi Chi is talking for the 500th time about how she doesn't have any money because she's bankrupt and she's working two jobs and she really needs to win because $100,000...

"Shit, that trumps my sad virgin story..."

"I'm going to put my hair and makeup on immediately - I'm always the last person running around with my head cut off," says Thorgy.

"And yet you still win every time," says Robbie, who has obviously been watching some other show for the past four weeks, one in which Thorgy actually wins something.

"I feel like I'm the Susan Lucci of Drag Race," says Thorgy.

"Who?"

"I nailed the acting challenge, and I was safe. Bob wore literally a $20 Halloween costume that was falling apart and she won," says Thorgy.

"Hey don't forget the terrible make up too!"

But enough of all this pointless crap...

IT'S CONCERT-SLASH-RUNWAY TIME!

* Sadly it seems Chi Chi isn't the only one having money troubles, as RuPaul is forced to strut down the runway with half a blow wave after a run-in with the coin-operated hair dryer at her local DIY salon:

She ran out of cash 20 minutes in.

* It appears production budget cuts have also hit Michelle Visage, who has had to give up her usual make-up session with Mathu Andersen to instead use Homer Simpson's makeup gun:

I think we all know what setting it was on.

* And introducing special guest judges Chris Stein and Debbie Harry of Blondie! So I guess that explains the budget cuts.

* Sadly Debbie Harry has confused the week's theme of "living in the 80s" for "living in YOUR 80s", and so has come straight from her audition for the Shady Pines Retirement Village's annual production of the Geriatric Rocky Horror Picture Show:

It's the hip replacement that really drives you insane.

* First on stage is Bob, Thorgy and Betty with their 1980s party band Street Meatz:

Which is sort of appropriate because they look less like a band and more like three weirdos who just randomly met on the street.

* Bob's Lorde impression seems to be going really well:

When you realise you're surrounded by hot guys but you look like Raggedy Andy on pills.

* Thorgy looks like what Devo would might have been if they'd gotten their costume inspiration from IKEA instead of a gardening centre:

I truly want to believe she didn't paint this jacket herself, but just found it in some thrift shop, fully formed, and that is used to belong to someone called Pamela who wore it on aeroplanes "for comfort".

* Meanwhile no one looks at Acid Betty, because next to drugged out Raggedy Andy and gay Devo she looks completely innocuous for once.

* Next up is Dragometry with their straight-to-number-150 hit "Rectangle Girls of the World", which is all about being unique and not fitting in to a box. Or a rectangle. (We already know none of them will fit into a box)

* Derrick looks like someone who's only just realised they're wearing a giant square on their head:

"Britney would totally have been a circle. Dammit."

* Chi Chi looks... well, sorry, but she actually looks fierce as fuck:

A little scary, too.

* Naysha tries to stay on top of the song while struggling under the weight of a massive keytar:

Sadly it's not big enough to cover her entire outfit.

* The whole performance is totally mental, something that's not helped by lyrics such as "I'm every girl, in a circle I run, you can be square hon, but don't be a nun" and "you may be shaped like a bumblebee, but you're beautiful girl, just love your body".

"A fuckin' bumblebee?"

* The crowd staunchly refuses to go wild:

"Maybe I should get a drink? Or go to the loo?"

* And finally it's punk band Les Chicken Wings with... well I've got no idea what their song is called, but it involves them singing about mustard sauce and crispy drumsticks and sucking on bones and somehow isn't totally terrible.

* Robbie looks like the love child of Courtney Love and Dee Snyder, while Naomi actually looks like RuPaul circa Wee Wee Pole:

And I'm sure Les Chicken Wings will achieve just as much success as that wonderful band.

* Kim Chi takes a note from Naomi, decides to wear the angriest T shirt she owns:

I think it says "I HATE SOY", which you might think isn't a very bold statement - but you're not Korean.

* Moving on to the fashion runway which tonight has a theme of "neon queen realness" or, for everyone watching the show at home: "edited way too fast to even see what anyone is wearing realness". Due to budget cuts, each queen gets approximately half a second to showcase their look, meaning everyone pretty much looks like this:

Damn, she's gone already.

Seriously, why is this shit so fast this week? Are the producers being paid by the minute here?

Oh, wait. Yes, they probably are.

* So anyway first up is Derrick Barry, who looks rather like Britney Spears accidentally got caught up in her shower curtain on the way to the pool and decided to just go with it:

Formal swimwear, it's the new thing.

* Moving on to Naysha Lopez, who looks like a Bloomingdales mannequin being swallowed feet-first by a large, exotic lizard:

Just one more swallow and she'll be gone completely.

* Next up is Chi Chi DeVayne and I'm sorry I just can't ever find fault with her I just can't she is the best:

SHE LOOKS LIKE LIL KIM HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS BITCH?

* If I had more than three milliseconds to assess Kim Chi's look I'd probably be super impressed, but as it flashes past my eyeballs it looks rather like a Picasso that melted onto a circus clown:

I think I'm frightened.

* Next up is Robbie TurnasjahjhJHSHIU S&9wfhuv sabav

Sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard half way through that sentence, from boredom.

If your response to "neon queen realness" is Barbara Bush in a painting smock, you need to reassess your life choices.

* Then there's Naomi Smalls who's just dropped in on her way to a "come as your favourite sex toy" costume party:

In an unusual interpretation of the theme, she's dressed as "Street Walker Barbie".

* Acid Betty has had enough of this shit and is off to find an audience that truly appreciates her:

By auditioning for Cirque du Soleil.

* Remember how Thorgy said she was going to spend more time on her hair and makeup this week?

Not sure that was such a great idea.

* And finally it's Bob, who looks like the victim of an unfortunate manicure incident:

When you're trying to dry your shellac and you accidentally spill nail polish on your head.

* At this point can I just say what a disappointment it is that not a single queen turned up wearing ACTUAL neon light tubes? CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW COOL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN? But you know, whatever. I can't do all the thinking around here.

* Bob, who so far on the runway has worn a silver spandex robot suit, a sheer black ballgown, a handmade floral cocktail dress and now a 1960s mod pantsuit, is told by Michelle Visage that "ratchet drag" is her thing.

PARDON?

* Having not finished delivering the diss, Michelle tells Thorgy she's not crazy about her makeup, because there's "too much" going on.

When Michelle Visage tells you your makeup is too busy, you know you've got a problem.

* Chi Chi announces she is stepping her drag up, to which La Visage responds "So tell me why you're out here in a bathing suit with no corset and a belt.".

AND THAT'S A HAT TRICK, PEOPLE.

* Meanwhile, further down the line:

"Lucky a swimsuit with fake lapels is OK!"

* Chris Stein shades Chi Chi for wearing the same shoes in the band performance and the runway show. Good pickup. Maybe if we'd had more than three milliseconds to look at the runway show, we would have noticed that too.

* "Bob has a lot of arisma," says Debbie Harry, which sounds like a medical condition, so I hope Bob is alright.

* "Derrick really had an outstanding voice," she continues, so maybe Debbie's the one with the medical condition.

"If by 'outstanding voice' you mean you want her to stand outside when she uses it, then yes."

* Michelle says Acid Betty's performance in the band failed, because she was "completely swallowed up by those other two girls". Conversely, that exact same sentence was the basis for a five star review of Betty's home video on DragShag.com

* Chi Chi apologises to Naysha and Derrick for not being enough of a team player, explaining: "I didn't mean to throw any y'all under the bus."

"Where is this bus everyone keeps talking about? Is the bus still running?" says RuPaul.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

* Despite singing a terrible song with a giant cardboard square stuck to her forehead, Derrick manages to impress Chris Stein so much he suggests she play Debbie Harry in a movie.

Can't wait for that one to go straight to DVD.

Despite not wearing any neon and looking like a Marie Antoinette display at Billy and Babs' Budget Waxworks, Robbie Turner is declared the winner of the day and so is safe from elimination. She also receives a slew of glittering prizes including a packet of Kleenex, a 20 per cent off coupon for Amtrak (valid Mondays only) and a can of Ovaltine (expiry December 1993). (It's OK though, that stuff never really goes off.)

The rest of Team Chicken Wing, along with Bob, Thorgy and Acid Betty are also sent back to the safe zone.

Then, in a move that shocks everyone, so is Derrick Barry.

I can't tell if she's surprised, or if that's just her makeup.

Even Derrick doesn't seem fully convinced that she's not in the bottom two, until a producer whispers in her ear "Next week is the snatch game, BRITNEY!".

Meanwhile Naysha is like:

"Yeah sure no worries, I'll just wear bathers and a shower curtain next time shall I?"

But it's too late for that - it's lip sync time! And it's Naysha vs Chi Chi to one of the most epic dancefloor songs of all time, Blondie's "Call Me".

"Imma lip sync for mah fuhkin' lahf," drawls Chi Chi.

She's not joking.

What happens next is one of the most monumental lip syncs in Drag Race history, even more amazing than when Roxxy Andrews took off her wig and revealed another wig underneath, and the one where Jujubee and Raven almost collapsed in hysterical tears to Robyn, and the one where Mimi Imfurst picked up India Farrah like the Hulk.

While Naysha takes her shoes off and faffs about in her bare feet like a circus performer leading a water-robics class, Chi Chi flips and cartwheels and death dropps all over the place in her thigh high stiletto boots like some sort of ninja dominatrix.

And while Naysha's puffball of a wig keeps flapping about her head like a rabid squirrel, Chi Chi's stays perfectly in place, even after she swiffers the floor with it.

Grab the new Chi Chi Shiner for just four easy payments of $34.99!

"Chi Chi DeVayne - shantay, you stay," says RuPaul, to the utter surprise of no one.

And as Naysha sashays away, she throws a little shade to counteract her glowing neon butt, saying: "Am I a little upset that someone that's giving 50 per cent and not committed at all is still here? Yeah, absolutely."

Over to you, Derrick?

"Hey guys, is this what soul is? Guys?"

That's it for this episode, join me again next week for more soul searching, sequins and sexual innuendo. Until then, you can go back in time and READ EPISODE THREE again. You know. Only if you wanna.

Having just said goodbye to Naysha Lopez and the moulting chipmunk she called a hairdo, all the queens have gathered in the Werk Room to witness Chi Chi apologise for her "under-bus-throwing" demonstration on the last runway.

"Ahhhm sawwrry Dirrick, it wuz jist me being a bitch, ahhm sawwrry," she drawls.

"Yeah. It WAS you being a bitch," says Derrick, which I guess is how people accept apologies in Las Vegas.

Actually I guess it's better than the other way apologies are accepted in Vegas...

"Well it's my second week in the bottom three," laments Derrick, in what appears to be a formal invitation to everyone else to tell her how great she is and how the judges are being unfair.

The invitation gets lost in the mail.

"I was in shock that it was not you lip syncing,"slags Naomi.

"Well Chris Stein said I could impersonate Debbie Harry and they'd take me out on tour," protests Derrick.

This portrait, entitled "Girl, no" (c. 2016), depicts four people trying to hold their tongues.

"They may have been on drugs, I want a drug test," says Bob.

Well that would certainly explain this.

Meanwhile Acid Betty who's only half been paying attention, shrieks "Oh shit, they're doing drug tests now?" and runs out of the room.

Even though she spent most of the last musical challenge wailing like a dying cat that got its head stuck in a fence, Derrick is outraged at the suggestion that the only way Debbie Harry could have enjoyed her performance is through the use of illicit drugs, and attacks Bob for talking too much.

"Oh so you do side shady comments and it's fine, but when I do it it's not right?" says Bob.

"I don't see that I do that," says Derrick, as the film crew wheels in another lighting rig to counteract the natural shade she's throwing off.

When Derrick says she's never shady.

And just like the bullet that killed Franz Ferdinand, so this stray piece of shade begins a bloody war the likes of which will be spoken about in reverent tones for centuries to come. Minstrels will compose ballads about it, writers will pen epic poems hailing its heroes, and artists will create giant tapestries depicting its gory scenes of queen-on-queen brutalisation.

Yea, the Battle of Bob and Derrick has begun!

Of course, the only way to properly catalogue this war of words and determine a winner is by implementing the international shade measurement standard of Latrice Royales.

And thus:

Forgetting that whole thing she said 30 seconds ago about not being shady, Derrick fires the first shot with: "Hey Bob, if I wanna do ratchet drag next week can you give me any tips?"

Not bad, not bad at all.

"If you wanna do MEMORABLE drag next week I can give you some tips," says Bob.

A1 shade. Points off Derrick who walked straight into it.

"So all I need to do is not wear a wig and I'll be told by the judges that I'm pretty?" says Derrick.

I THINK that was supposed to be shade but... it sort of ended up being self-shade?

"What I said wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, but you're trying to be spiteful - do you see the difference?" asks Bob.

"Your intentions weren't to hurt me?" says Derrick.

"If I wanted to hurt you you'd be crying right now, bitch," says Bob.

Round two to Bob.

Derrick thinks for a second to come up with a truly devastating line, raises her eyebrows and blurts: "I WILL NEVER CRY...

...OVER...

...YOU.

...

AT ALL."

Yeah, nah.

"Don't give me a challenge," retorts Bob, which in battle terms is sort of like when America dropped that bomb on Hiroshima.

GAME, SET, MATCH BOB.

Faced with cleaning up the pile of rubble that Derrick has become, Kim Chi picks up Thorgy and starts using her dreadlocks like a mop while Louisiana native Chi Chi retreats the corner with Katrina related PTSD flashbacks. Suddenly a sharp, twisted cry rings out across the Werk Room, sending everyone scattering under the tables in fear of another Bob shade-raid.

"My god, this place is such a CIRCUS!" screams the pile of bricks that is Derrick.

Zing!

Fortunately for everyone though it's just the sound of the non gender specific and A-sexual mail arriving, followed by this:

Rick-rack's back, alright!

"For this week's maxi challenge we're going to drive along the Hollywood freeway looking for fresh roadkill, and you'll need to transform their furry little pelts into couture," announces RuPaul.

"But I've already done that today."

"Ditto."

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Damn, I would have had this challenge stitched up."

Sadly, as magnificent as this challenge would be (seriously, can you imagine Robbie Turner covered in dead squirrels? She might finally get some air time dressed like that), it's all just a big joke because actually, the real challenge this week is...

THE SNATCH GAME!

Aka the one where everyone impersonates celebrities not very well and isn't ever really funny and why is this always the most anticipated episode of the season it's never actually that good.

Robbie Turner announces she'll be doing former queen of Vogue, Diana Vreeland.

"Do you think that's a touch obscure?" asks Bob.

"Pfft, not at all," scoffs Robbie.

Meanwhile, at home:

"Who's Diana Vreeland?"

"Forget her, who's that guy talking to Bob?"

Naomi announces she's going to be doing Whoopi Goldberg from The Colour Purple.

Sure. A poor, downtrodden woman who is raped by her father, beaten and raped by her husband, has her children taken away, is forced to separate from her sister and is generally fucked over by the entire world. That sounds... funny.

Fortunately Bob is on hand to scupper the idea by announcing she too is going to do Whoopi Goldberg, from Sister Act.

Drag is a bad habit.

Kim Chi announces she's thinking of doing either Pearl from Drag Race season seven, or "Kimmy Jong Un", a drag dictator from North Korea that she just made up.

"There's a message written up here on the brim of my hat, what does it sa... Oh it says THOSE ARE BAD IDEAS."

Meanwhile:

"No wait, Derrick, didn't you hear? We're not doing the roadkill thing anymore."

Derrick tells RuPaul she's not going to do the one celebrity she's internationally renowned for impersonating, instead opting for some viral video comedy character called "Shocantelle Brown".

I'd never heard of Shocantelle before this episode, but from the videos I've seen she appears to be a racist parody of a black "ghetto" girl performed by a blonde, white actress. So, basically perfect for Derrick.

"She's a black girl trapped in a white girl's body," beams Derrick, hoping this might mean she can at last get that elusive "soul" she's been trying so hard to find.

When someone thinks a "black girl trapped in a white girl's body" is a funny comedic premise.

Derrick throws on a wig and shouts "HELLO RUPAUL I SHOCANTELLE YOU THAT I DO HAVE A PENIS!", in what is supposed to be a demonstration of her comedic talents but comes out a bit more like "schizophrenic at the bus stop".

"You know... sometimes the most OBVIOUS thing... is the thing to do," says RuPaul, which is just about the nicest possible way of saying "that act sucks, do Britney, bitch".

Meanwhile, Thorgy is busy preparing her character: Michael Jackson.

Wait, do you hear that? It's the sound of absolutely no one objecting to someone playing a man for Snatch Game. How nice.

"I'm going to be busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox trying to win this challenge!" she gasps, which I assumed was absolutely not an expression until I googled it. America, you are weird. (PS: Busier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest is a much better expression. You're welcome.)

RuPaul tells her she overthinks things and advises "don't take it into your head", which I'm pretty sure is the opposite of what Michael Jackson used to do but anyway, good luck Thorgy.

As if the Snatch Game isn't enough celebrity impersonation related excitement for one episode, RuPaul then announces the runway theme will be: MADONNA.

"Madonna has so many iconic looks, I can't wait to see what everybody comes up with!" says Chi Chi.

Yes. Madonna really does have so many iconic looks. SO. FUCKING MANY. There are literally hundreds to choose from. HUNDREDS. Just thought I'd mention that.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... aaaaaand:

IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!

* Joining us as celebrity guest judges are models Gigi Hadid (but hadid what? We may never know) and Chanel Iman, who sounds like she got her name from a "What's Your Fashion Week Runway Name?" internet meme generator.

* Acid Betty attempts Nancy Grace, ends up more like "mildly aggressive Year 9 substitute economics teacher circa 1995":

Thank god she's got that name plate there or we'd have NFI.

* Robbie Turner does Diana Vreeland, no one can tell if it's accurate or not:

Who?

* Jeez, Pearl is looking so different these days:

Is it a new lip colour, maybe?

* Wow, I love Magnolia Crawford's new hair colour:

Nose contouring still on point.

* Naomi tries to impress by coming as the entire city of New York:

But fails for not showing her twin towers.

* Chi Chi shows up as Eartha Kit, slays it:

Even though she does look a bit like Kennedy Davenport in those Las Vegas commercials.

* Derrick finally gets off the psychotopic drugs, decides to do Britney Spears instead of a racist YouTube character:

And you have to admit, she kinda nails it.

* Although can I just remind everyone: TATIANNA SEASON TWO.

Still kind of the best.
* Bob comes as Uzo Aduba, star of "Orange is the New Black", an emotional drama series about a woman in an abusive relationship with her own finger:

It is a harrowing watch.

* "There's a new dating app for drag queens," says RuPaul.

"When you join, the first question they ask is 'how big is your BLANK'?"

Solid answer.

Less solid answer.

* Not wanting to be outdone in the missed comedy opportunity-athon unfolding around her, Naomi answers "clock" and then proceeds to firebomb every obvious joke lead thrown her way.

"Drag queens love a big-ass clock, don't they!" laughs RuPaul.

Naomi nods.

"Do YOU like big clocks?" asks RuPaul.

Naomi nods again.

"I said CLOCK, not COCK, you moron. Jeez, thanks for ruining my joke."

* Bob does some shit.

* "The big bad wolf is a drag queen. Instead of huffing and puffing and blowing, she BLANKS the house down," says RuPaul.

"I used to work for Vogue," says Robbie Turner, in a super subtle way of reminding everyone who the hell she's supposed to be.

"But I hear that 'vogue' now means a dance, so I say she 'VOGUES the house down'."

And it's a hearty welcome back to the official Bland Canyon tumbleweed, making its first appearance this season!

* Still, Robbie is only marginally worse than Chi Chi, who seems to think Eartha Kitt actually WAS a cat.

She'll be back in a minute, she's just checking on her pussy.

* "Good girls gone bad! Yeah yeah yeah yeah," shouts Derrick Barry for no apparent reason, doing a Britney style shimmy in her seat.

"You should do that ONE MORE TIME," says Bob.

So Derrick does.

"What? I don't get it?"

* Bob does some more shit.

* "Lady Bunny doesn't hang her rainbow flag out the window to celebrate pride, instead she dangles her BLANK," says RuPaul.

"Her blanket!" says Thorgy, flinging a fake baby off the edge of the desk in what is a reference to an incident that happened 14 years ago.

"HA HA! As someone who was 12 in 2002 I sure do understand that reference!"

"Ha ha I was seven who even is Michael Jackson?"

* Then Thorgy says "sha-MONA" and I wonder if she even knows who Michael Jackson is.

* Bob goes off, gets changed, comes back as a drunk Uzo Aduba pretending to be Mike Tyson impersonating Carol Channing:

Carol "sham" would be more accurate.

* Meanwhile, speaking of season two's Snatch Game being superior:

Pandora Boxx had Carol Channing down.

* "Sally is so lactose intolerant, when the photographer says 'cheese' she BLANKS," says RuPaul.

"She sneezes!" says Chanel Iman, who is so thin there is no room in her body for a working sense of humour.

Still:

"Sneezes" was funnier.

* Realising no one has said or done a single funny thing in the last 10 minutes, RuPaul yells "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" and this happens:

When in doubt, add Charo.

Meanwhile:

"Who the fuck?"

"I dunno, just smile like you understand what's going on or they won't pay us."

I'm going to let Kim Chi sum up this episode so far:

That's about right.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and we're back in the Werk Room where everyone is busy preparing for the big "Night of 100 Madonnas" runway.

100 Madonnas.

Like, a hundred of them.

Just pointing that out for no real reason.

Just thought it was pertinent.

"As I'm pulling out my Madonna kimono, I notice Thorgy also has a kimono," says Kim Chi.

TFW you think there are only going to be TWO kimonos in the runway show...

Over at the makeup mirrors, Thorgy and Acid Betty are discussing the limitations of the New York drag scene.

"Performers are always put in these boxes," laments Thorgy.

Yeah, lucky that never happens on this show.

Meanwhile:

"I WILL NEVER COME OUT IN A BOX ABSOLUTELY NOT."

Suddenly Thorgy declares her main ambition is to conduct a 40 piece orchestra in full drag, revealing she is a professional violinist and cellist who "has played at Carnegie Hall many times".

Parents, keep this in mind when considering violin lessons for your child. Even a career at Carnegie Hall can lead to drag.

Not to be outdone in the "reveal amazing things about your life" stakes, Naomi announces she is adopted by white parents.

"Did you ever feel a need to like, study up on black stuff?"Bob asks her.

"OMG DID YOU FIND OUT HOW TO GET SOUL?"

But enough of all these shenanigans...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In honour of tonight's Madonna theme, RuPaul strides out on the catwalk looking...

...absolutely nothing like her, Cool. You do you, Ru.

* Despite being a huge Madonna fan, Michelle Visage also bucks the theme by dressing as an accountant trying on his wife's lingerie for kicks:

In Michelle's dreams, the rest of that super reads "adonna".

* Carson Kressley comes dressed as a tribute to rare 1980s Madonna B-side "Your Auntie's Curtains (Really Draw Us Together)":

A little obscure, but true fans will spot it.

* Gigi Hadid and Chanel Iman are still there, so they obviously haven't found the exit yet.

* First up is Thorgy wearing a kimono, channeling Madonna's "Nothing Really Matters" video:

She looks so unique!

* And then there's Kim Chi wearing another kimono, channeling Madonna's "Paradise" video:

She looks so unique!

* And then there's Derrick Barry wearing... oh FFS.

I couldn't come up with a more appropriate caption for this if I tried.

* Moving on to Naomi Smalls, who is...

OK, you know Madonna wore OTHER things in that video, right?

* Next up is Acid Betty, who thought about wearing a kimono but then went "how about I dress like a woman giving birth to a flock of birds instead?":

She's got such a flighty personality.

Apparently this look is from Madonna's "Bedtime Story" video.

I guess we should just be thankful she didn't do this one.

* Then there's Robbie Turner, who has come as Madonna from the movie "A League of Their Own":

Or in other words: "generic 1940s lady baseballer because I already owned this outfit".

* OH FUCKING FINALLY.

It's a bit "alfoil and pantyhose" but I'll take it.

* Next is Bob, who unfortunately misheard "Madonna" as "scout's honour":

Dib dib dib, Bob Bob Bob.

* RuPaul takes one look at all the kimonos and realises she'll have to pardon Kim Chi or risk looking racist, so she sends her and Chi Chi back to the green room to enjoy a special Madonna themed cocktail: ionised water with a red kabbala string tied around the glass.

* "Tonight on the stage there's a lot of kimonos, which is very interesting," says Michelle, which is funny because I was just thinking the exact opposite.

* Everyone raves about Thorgy's Michael Jackson in the Snatch Game, with Gigi Hadid enthusing "You kept character better than anyone!"

"DO YOU EVEN WATCH ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK?"

* Everyone agrees Acid Betty's Nancy Grace was the worst thing ever seen on Snatch Game, even counting the time Kenya Michaels made Beyonce look like an extra from the Jersey Shore.

"I wasn't sure how to turn such a serious woman funny," laments Acid.

Gosh, if only she had been able to choose someone funny, like, I dunno, ANYONE IN THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD SHE WANTED TO.

* Carson does a quick impression of how Acid should have done Nancy Grace, and it is better than the entire Snatch Game.

* La Visage tells Robbie Turner she should have gone bigger with Diana Vreeland because she wasn't funny enough.

Hmm, I'm with Robbie. I mean, how do you make THIS funny?

* "Punk took my voice away," rasps Robbie, like she's auditioning for a Quit commercial.

"My voice kept cracking, and I was going in and out doing Diana Vreeland," she continues.

And what about your personality, Robbie? DID YOUR PERSONALITY KEEP GOING IN AND OUT TOO?

* Michelle tells Naomi she's sick of seeing her in lingerie, a sentence neither Chanel nor Gigi has ever heard before.

* "I once asked Iman what was on her mind when she was on the runway, and she looked me dead in the eyes and said 'Africa'," says RuPaul, as everyone wonders whether she's taken too much or not enough of her daily medication.

"I don't remember saying that ha ha I'm funny!"

Picture of Kerry at work after this episode.

Bob is crowned the night's winner for being the only one to not totally suck at both Snatch Game and looking sort of like Madonna, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a box of aspirin (home brand), a copy of Manila Luzon's latest single and VIP tickets to see Madonna! (On her 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour).

Derrick, Thorgy and Robbie are sent back to the safe zone to compare kimonos, leaving Naomi "It's Not Lingerie It's A Kimon... OK It's Lingerie" Smalls and Acid "I'm The Only One Who Wore Something Creative Give Me A Fucking Break" Betty to duke it out in a Madonna themed lip sync.

I can't wait to hear what song they've chosen! Will it be Vogue? Express Yourself? Holiday? Oh there are SO many Madonna hits to choose from! Papa Don't Preach! Ray of Light! Like A Prayer! Maybe it'll be Erotica? Like A Virgin! Material Girl!

Oh. Huh.

And so Acid and Naomi begin their lip sync to the only Madonna song the producers could afford the rights to (well it was either this or Bitch I'm Madonna, so count your blessings).

It takes approximately 2.5 seconds for Betty to start regretting her choice of costume, being that she has a fitball strapped to her stomach and fake birds sticking out of her crotch. Sadly at no point does she rip it open and release a flock of live doves, because CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW GOOD THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN? I mean, animal cruelty, probably, but whatever.

Naomi however does rip her costume open, to reveal her lingerie:

Because when the judges have specifically told you they're sick of seeing you in lingerie, that seems like a sound decision.

Suddenly Betty drops to the floor, clutching her pregnant stomach - MAYBE SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH TO LIVE DOVES?

But no, she just rolls around a bit looking tortured.

First rule of drag: Never take off your wig unless you're wearing another wig underneath.

Second rule of drag: Never pretend to give birth on the runway unless you're actually going to pull something out of your crotch.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"What an amateur."

In the end Acid Betty's miscarriage is no match for Naomi Smalls' undercarriage, and she is told to sashay away.

Well.

I guess that means RuPaul just...

...DROPPED ACID.

Well that's it for this time! Join me next week (or actually, in a few days... sorry for being so late this week y'all) for more recap madness. While you're waiting, please go back and READ EPISODE FOUR again. Please. It helps my Google rankings.

Having said goodbye to Acid "I Reckon I'll Just Do An Impression Of Someone I've Literally Never Seen Before On Snatch Game Because That Seems Like A Sound Idea" Betty, the kimono crew has returned to the Werk Room where Chi Chi is demonstrating her new Derrick Barry voodoo doll:

Well, this explains why she keeps hitting the bottom three. Actually, no, that needed no explanation.

"Acid Betty's gone!" says Kim Chi gleefully, giving a thumbs up, which is an edit that probably would have made sense if anyone still thought Acid was a bitch. But no one does. So Kim Chi looks like a bitch instead. Congratulations, Kim Chi!

"The other queens think that what I do doesn't require any effort, and that's totally not true," sniffs Naomi, fresh from the bottom two.

"I mean, do you KNOW how long it took to find lingerie sets and drapey robes in EVERY colour?"

She's not the only one hurting: Thorgy is fully pissed off about Bob's win on the runway, the 312th consecutive time this season.

Or maybe the second, I dunno, you expect me to pay attention to this crap?

TFW someone asks if you're a Keith Haring mural come to life. AGAIN.

"Thorgy, you're a shithead," retorts Bob.

Going by this photo, that's a pretty accurate burn.

"Have you ever played Jenga? That's Bob. Slowly he's being built up but sooner or later the foundation is going to crumble and he's going to take a big fall," says Robbie.

Other board games Bob is like include Hungry Hungry Hippos:

You have to constantly tap his ass to get him to do anything, and even then he just eats.

Operation:

He makes you recoil when you touch him, and the funny bone is missing.

And Mastermind:

Everyone knows he's actually a bit crap, but the box is so cool we buy it anyway.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room where OH MY GOD WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

WHAT IS THIS SACRILEGE?

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY CROSS OUT THE NAME OF A HOLY SIX PACK MEMBER WITH TEXTA, MISS BARRY. YOU WOULD BE FLAYED FOR THIS IN CERTAIN COUNTRIES! (Well actually, doing drag in the first place is likely to get you flayed in certain countries but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.)

Holy six pack, what do you have to say to this?

Snap.

Meanwhile, at Nebraska Tourism:

"Phil... what are 'tweets'? We're suddenly getting a lot of them from men that look like ladies..."

"SEE ALL DUMB READY MADE HEARSES!" yells a producer from behind the shaking canvas wall in what is apparently an ad for this week's sponsor: Fanny's Funny Funerals in Laramie, Wyoming. Fanny's Funny Funerals: For laughs after death!

Sadly for the show's finance department, the only real advertisement they've been able to sell in years is interrupted by a video of RuPaul shrieking from another producer's mobile phone screen, which everyone agrees to pretend is actually a giant TV mounted on the wall.

"Blah blah blah puns about the Wizard of Oz blah blah blah have you ever noticed how often I talk about the Wizard of Oz blah blah blah I think it's really profound which is why I mention it in every interview blah blah blah I bet this segment doesn't end without me saying something about 'peeking behind the curtain' and/or The Matrix blah blah blah," says RuPaul.

Just then a massive thunderclap splits the air with a boom so loud it causes all the queens to drop to the floor, clutching their ears in pain - just like that time a few weeks ago when Derrick sang.

But unlike then, when they could just punch Derrick in the groin to get her to shut up, the booming noises keep coming and coming, and they all soon realise it's not thunder but the Werk Room stereo which has malfunctioned while playing RuPaul's "Peanut Butter" on maximum volume.

Thorgy starts stuffing her dreadlocks into her ears while shrieking "I TOLD YOU THEY'D BE USEFUL ONE DAY MOM", while Kim Chi sits in the corner crying "But I'm allergic to peanuts!".

"Well then, I guess IT'S ME AGAINST THE MUSIC!" shouts Derrick, before charging at the stereo with a pair of pinking shears.

Geddit?

Fortunately for Derrick his certain electrocution is postponed indefinitely when the door at the top of the stairs bursts open to reveal RuPaul, on his way to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Dickens goes to Paris Fashion Week".

Naturally, he is Oliver Twist as dressed by Tom Ford.

Unfortunately the bloke behind him thought they were going as a pantomime cow, and now he has no costume. :(

"Ladies, we have a special guest this week!" chirps RuPaul which, as we all know, on this show could mean anyone from Blondie to the bloke who stocks the vending machines at WOW, so forgive me if I reserve my excitement.

"MARC SNETIKER!" he continues, in a manner that suggests this person is actually famous, as opposed to someone who sounds vaguely like a failed invention from Shark Tank.

YOU KNOW, Marc SNETIKER! Marc! The Snets! That guy!

Marc Snetiker writes for Entertainment Weekly, but you probably know him best as the guy who followed RuPaul through the door on this episode 30 seconds ago.

"Our readers love to read our Drag Race recaps every week," says Mr Snickerdoodle.

Oh they love reading YOUR recaps do they hmm?

And so we get to the entire point of Marked Snackables being on this episode: to say the word "read".

"THE LIBRARY IS OPEN!" declares RuPaul.

IT'S READING CHALLENGE TIME!

* As usual, this week's reading challenge will be judged using the international standard shade measurement of Latrice Royales.

* First up is Chi Chi: "Thorgy Thor, I love you so much I don't know whether to give you a hug or put some change in your cup!"

"Bob the Drag Queen, you may be from New York but those feet are still from Mississippi."

Solid reading session. At least the first two books of Game of Thrones.

* Next up is Kim Chi, who's a bit weak out of the blocks with "Chi Chi, your drag is just like turkey neck - cheap, and no one wants it,", but finishes strong with "Naomi, your wardrobe reminds me of a legendary Drag Race queen - Nicole Paige Brooks."

Great read! Probably like, the entire Austen sisters canon.

* Moving on to Thorgy who confuses reading with "saying vaguely funny things" and comes out with "Bob, please shut up," and "Derrick you are pretty attractive, I'd hit that baby one more time."

Sub par reading level. Teacher is sending a note home in your school diary.

* Next is Derrick Barry, whose previous comebacks have included "I will... never... cry over you... at all", manages to surprise everyone by being actually quite sharp.

"Naomi, no one knows whether to call you Nay-omi or Neye-omi, but judging by your runway looks no one's going to be calling you at all," she says.

POW! That is a definite War and Peace calibre read right there.

* "Kim Chi, you are stomping for the gods on the runway; I just wish your drag would get raptured," says Robbie Turner.

This says it all.

* "Robbie we know you're a vintage queen, but do you have to smell like mothballs too?" says Naomi.

Lame. In reading terms this is like, 50 Shades of Grey.

* Naomi continues: "Derrick Barry, you say it takes you an hour to do your face, so why does it look like five minutes?"

"DON'T LET THEM SEE YOUR PAIN. DON'T LET THEM SEE YOUR PAIN."

* Finally it's time for Bob, because I guess the producers have decided she's the funniest one or whatever, so here goes:

"It is a known fact that Derrick Barry is not very smart. When she heard Britney Spears she said 'Does she? I prefer fencing'."

A PUN? REALLY GIRL, A PUN?

Fortunately she redeems herself with: "It is very hard to have an intelligent conversation with Derrick Barry. The only thing harder is Robbie Turner's wig lines,"

ENTIRE LIBRARY CONQUERED. READING RESCUE BADGE ACHIEVED.

Unsurprisingly Bob is crowned the winner, although in the end, I think we can all agree the true winner is:

SHADE ITSELF.

Hey Thorgy, how do you feel about Bob winning again?

She's really happy for her.

"You've won jewels worth $1500 from Fierce Drag Jewels!" announces RuPaul, as everyone gasps.

If this is what they look like, Bob better have a ute ready to go because $1500 worth is gonna be a shitload.

Mack Snotlicker quietly lets himself out, having done absolutely nothing of interest in this episode whatsoever, and RuPaul announces the main challenge: pairing up with a dwarf from a reality TV show to recreate a look from the Wizard of Oz.

Meanwhile, inside the Drag Race producers' room...

Here's how I reckon this totally bizarre challenge came about:

PRODUCER 1: So we have to cross promote this dwarf reality show thing somehow.

RUPAUL: The Wizard of Oz!

PRODUCER 2: Could we do like, a fashion challenge of some sort?

RUPAUL: The Wizard of Oz!

PRODUCER 1: Yeah a fashion challenge sounds good. Maybe based on a movie?

RUPAUL: The Wizard of Oz!

PRODUCER 2: Maybe a classic movie?

RUPAUL: GOD DAMMIT I WANT TO SEE MUNCHKINS.

So they all get into pairs and start working out their characters; Naomi's is the Scarecrow, which is perfect for her because she pretty much already looks like she's made out of sticks, and she may not actually have a brain.

"I really want to show the girls that I'm not just a walking bra and panty," she says.

For the sake of childhood memories everywhere, so do we.

Over on the other side of the Werk Room, Robbie Turner seems to have confused the Cowardly Lion with the Clueless Lion.

"So... we're gonna make a cute little dress... or maybe a leotard... or... I dunno," she says.

TFW you realise you totally picked the wrong queen for a fashion challenge.

Given the last time Robbie attempted to make an outfit based on an animal she ended up looking like an exploded marshmallow with dog treats on her tits, today's challenge is probably not going to go so well.

At least Toto's excited.

Meanwhile, Derrick is busy explaining to RuPaul how she's going to create a Tinman costume by glueing stuff to a bathing suit.

Which is a really new and innovative approach for her, so well done Derrick.

Apparently this brilliant idea includes sticking car parts to her partner's shoulders, like a hobo who fell asleep in a junk pile:

Move them down a few inches and you already have a better Madonna costume than half the queens last week.

Suddenly aware that she is about to look a fool on national television, and spying her chance to get off her crappy reality show and into some serious drama, Derrick's partner pipes up with an impromptu one woman performance of Misery:

"YOU DIRTY BIRD."

As everyone backs away slowly from the dwarf with the axe, RuPaul explains the second part of their challenge: choreographing a "dreamy interpretive dance set in a poppy field".

Meanwhile, back in the Drag Race producers' room...

"To ask the question 'do I understand interpretive dance' is like asking 'do I know the entire Pi formula'," says Kim Chi, as if anyone has a hard time believing she doesn't know about pie in all forms.

Everyone starts rehearsing their dances in earnest, little knowing that, in the end, they will be so drastically boring they will be all but edited out of the episode so they probably shouldn't have bothered.

"'Get them to dance,' he said. 'It'll be hilarious,' he said."

One person not dancing, or making a costume, or doing anything really is Chi Chi, who has basically wrapped some blue stretch lurex around her partner and called it a day.

This is what Dorothy would have looked like if she'd started working the Yellow Brick Road instead of walking it.

Thorgy, you're up in everyone's business this episode, how does Chi Chi's fla-se-dah attitude make you feel?

If she rolls her eyes any harder her dreads are going to pop out.

On the opposite end of the fla-se-dah scale is Bob, whose outfit has fallen apart with just hours to go to the runway. Not only does she have to construct a whole new costume, she still has to do her own make up and her partner's make up.

Meanwhile:

JENGA!

"Fifteen minutes!" yells the producer, as Bob heads to the make up tables to start putting on her makeup.

OH NO BOB ONLY HAS 15 MINUTES TO PUT HER ENTIRE LOOK TOGETHER WHAT EVER WILL SHE DO?

Oh. Right.

Similarly crunched for time is Naomi, who has had to come to today's challenge straight from a Flintstones fancy dress party at Carson Kressley's house:

It's going to take ages to comb out that Pebbles hairdo.

But enough of all this twattery - we've all run out of time!

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* After failing to dress to the Madonna theme on last week's runway, RuPaul continues to signal her monumental lack of interest in this entire endeavour by ignoring this week's theme too:

"Screw you and your Emerald City, it's my show and I'm wearing purple."

* Not so Michelle Visage, who has come as one of Dorothy's ruby slippers:

Or at least, a knock-off one you can buy for $24.99 at the Shoe Shed.

* And please welcome special guest judge Ruby Rhod from The Fifth Element:

Supergreen.

* And please welcome special guest judge Marc Jacobs, wondering what he's doing here:

"Where did it all go wrong?"

* First down the runway is Chi Chi, who is less "Dorothy Gale" and more "Dorothy from accounts who got her skirt caught in the shredder while slamming a beer bong at the office Christmas party":

Girl, you couldn't even do a pair of red shoes? RUBY SLIPPERS, FFS?

* OMG I can't believe Bob put her whole outfit together in 15 minutes!

Oh wait, yes I can.

* Bob is supposed to be Glinda the good witch.

Just a reminder, this is Glinda:

Nailed it.

In a nutshell, Bob looks more like the witch that got the house dropped on her than Glinda.

* Naomi takes exceptionally well to portraying a person made out of hay, despite not having eaten carbs since 1998:

Scarecrows are paleo, right?

* Having tried desperately to come up with something more avant-garde than a swimsuit with things stuck to it, Derrick Barry comes out wearing a swimsuit with avant-garde things stuck to it. Like dildoes, on the shoulders:

It's like Jessica Simpson got caught up in her grandma's kitchen curtains while on the way to Sexpo.

* Moving on to Robbie, whose creative process for the Cowardly Lion clearly went like this: "A cute little dress? A leotard? Kim Chi's outfit from episode one."

OMG wigs on the shoulders? That's so original!

* Next up is Thorgy, doing her best impression of Laganja Estranja:

"It's the horse of a different colour, OKURR 420!"

* Suddenly the sets shake, the lights flicker, and out walks...

ENJOY YOUR NIGHTMARES, KIDS.

Actually it's Kim Chi holding her little partner in the air to create a scary Wicked Witch of the East, a spectacular illusion that is wrecked as soon as she tries to put her down gracefully and looks more like a delivery man dropping a sack of potatoes.

* Her outfits are pretty hot though, even if they do look like rent-a-mourners at Tim Burton's funeral:

I have nothing bad to say about this. That's not very funny I know, but. Well, they look awesome.

* Next up is the interpretive dance presentation.

Here are three things more entertaining than the interpretive dance presentation:

Now let's never speak of this again.

* Marc Jacobs tells Chi Chi he likes her. La Visage tells her she needs bigger boobs. At no stage does anyone mention that she looks like a street walker who got attacked by wild dogs.

* "I could get what you're wearing in a mall,"Ross Mathews snips at Bob.

"I guess I felt like that's what the challenge was," says Bob, who clearly has a very different understanding of "Wizard of Oz Couture" than I do.

"Hey I only had 15 minutes to get ready, OK? Usually I take at least 20."

* Michelle Visage tells Derrick her outfit looks "so home made in the worst way", prompting Derrick to explain that she's "not a seamstress".

It's OK, we figured that out.

* "You're just giving me a bathing suit with something wrapped around your waist again, and putting two horse penises on your shoulders doesn't change it,"Michelle snaps at Derrick.

"Seriously, what kind of idiot would wear something so stupid on their shoulders?"

* "I literally don't even know what to make out of what you're wearing,"La Visage tells Robbie, which is coincidentally the same problem Robbie had.

* Michelle Visage goes on to read Robbie's hideous hairline for the 350th time this season for looking like her wig is trying to escape her head.

"I guess I'm a little bit more old school,"Robbie says, by way of explanation.

This is a definition of "old school" I was previously unaware of.

* Ross tells Thorgy her look isn't memorable enough, and complains that he won't remember it three weeks from now when driving in traffic.

To be fair though, this is what Ross is usually thinking about in traffic.

* Nobody mentions Chi Chi's total lack of ruby slippers. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHY WOULD YOU NOT WEAR RUBY SLIPPERS?

* RuPaul asks which of the queens should be sent home tonight, and half the group says Derrick, including Derrick, who hasn't been listening and thinks they're doing a lunch order.

The other half says Chi Chi, on the basis that she hot glued her outfit together instead of sewing.

Yeah, because sewing always produces superior results.

* "There's a lot of hot glue going on at fashion shows, even at the Met ball - but I won't name names," says Marc Jacobs.

It's OK Marc, you don't have to.

* RuPaul accidentally calls Derrick Britney, and it's the best compliment she's ever received.

On the flipside, it's the worst burn Britney's ever had.

* Then this happens:

Which might be a contender for best thing ever to happen on the judging panel.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Lifetime TV. Lifetime TV: We're more than just crappy daytime biopics about royals and dead celebrities, we have shows with dwarves too!

In a decision that surprises absolutely no one Naomi Smalls is crowned the night's winner, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a can of Rexona with a broken spray button, a 10 per cent off voucher for Olive Garden (valid Mondays 5pm to 6pm only) and a Tiffany bracelet. No sorry, Tiffany's bracelet - it's plastic, with "Tiffany" written on it in puff paint. Congratulations, Naomi!

Thorgy, Bob, Chi Chi and Kim Chi are all sent back to the safe zone, and with the exception of Naomi and Kim Chi it looks like a police line-up for fashion crimes. Is this one of the worst runways ever? I mean, is it?

Not that it's any better out the front, where Derrick "Sure This Shower Curtain Material Says Tinman Why Not" Barry and Robbie "I'll Just Copy What Kim Chi Did That Time But Worse" Turner are about to go head to head in a totally on-theme lip sync to... Icona Pop's "I Love It".

Right.

I mean, I don't know why I was so upset about Chi Chi's lack of ruby slippers; clearly no one else gives a stuff about tonight's theme.

And so it begins, with Derrick looking like Britney on a bender and Robbie looking like her hired chaperone.

"I CRASHED MY CAR INTO THE BRIDGE, I DON'T CARE!"Derrick and Robbie both sing, a lyric which is more reflective of both of their looks than the Wizard of Oz was.

This picture pretty much sums up tonight's lip sync.

In a desperate attempt to outshine Derrick's flipping and somersaulting and handstanding, Robbie rips her wig off and flings it to the side.

While this improves her hairline significantly, she fails to obey the number one runway rule: don't take off your wig unless you're wearing another one underneath.

She also fails to obey runway rule number two: don't put your wig back on when you've just swiffered the floor with it, or you'll look like that crazy lady from the bus.

As Derrick breaks into another backwards-somersault-handstand, Robbie has nothing to do but stumble around without a wig on like a cancer patient looking for her medication.

Unsurprisingly this doesn't impress RuPaul, and Robbie is told to sashay away.

It's such a sad moment for Robbie, so fortunately Derrick is on hand to make it all about her.

"OH NO NOW I'LL RUST."

Well that's it for this episode - better move on and READ EPISODE SEVEN. Or go back in time and READ EPISODE FIVE again!

So we're back in the Werk Room again after saying goodbye to... who was it that left last episode? The one with the wigs that looked like they'd been staple-gunned to her head. What was her name? Oh well, never mind. She's gone now so no one cares, least of all Derrick Barry, who thinks everything is about her anyway.
"This has been such a rocky road for me, I know there's at least three queens in the room that wanna see me go home," she whimpers.

Meanwhile, in living rooms across the world:

"THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES."

On the other side of the Werk table Thorgy is still seething about Chi Chi not using her time wisely enough in the Wizard of Oz challenge, because apparently she is Chi Chi's mother.

"I will never forget that she wasted our time yesterday,"Thorgy froths, even though it was actually Chi Chi's time that Chi Chi wasted, and none of it had any impact on Thorgy at all.

For someone who looks like they're literally made out of weed, Thorgy has zero chill.

SHOT OF WIGS!

Wigs!

SHOT OF RANDOM JEWELLERY!

Necklace!

SHOT OF SOME SPONSOR NAME WITH ZERO EXPLANATION RENDERING WHATEVER MONEY SPONSOR MAY HAVE PAID OBJECTIVELY WORTHLESS!

Rrivre Works? Rriure works inc? Innovation laborat... WTF IS THIS?

All the queens strut into the Werk Room ready to show how funny and fabulous they are, but just as they're about to open their mouths the RuPaul Mail siren goes off making sure no one says anything interesting at all, because that's how good television is made.

"Oh hey guys, it's time for the worst part of the episode, let's all line up and stare at the wall and watch some puns."

Looks like it's going to be one of THOSE episodes, so I'm introducing a drinking game.

Take a drink every time someone makes a reference to something:

1) No one under the age of 30 would understand,

2) No one who isn't a Drag Race geek would understand.

And here's your first shot.

Suddenly there's a deep rumbling noise beneath the floor boards, and everything in the Werk Room begins to tremble and shake, like Naomi Smalls when she's forced to eat carbohydrates.

Everyone grabs onto Kim Chi, the sturdiest object in the room, as Derrick suffers a minor mental breakdown, launching into a lengthy, tear-filled monologue about how difficult everything has been for her and how she's trying to get out of her Britney box but she knows the "I'm A Slave 4 U" dance...

"Oops, I did it again!" she sighs.

Boom.

Just as Bob is about to hit her baby one more time, the door at the top of the stairs bursts open to reveal RuPaul, who has gotten lost on his way to a "Come as your favourite 1950s movie star if they had been a 1970s pimp" fancy dress party.

Naturally, he is Doris Day from Pillow Talk.

To complete the look, he is accompanied by a crew of Rock Hudsons:

More like Rock HARD-sons, am I right? Tip your waitress, try the veal. (Also probbaly drink - as if anyone under 30 knows what the hell I'm talking about right now)

"America's next drag superstar needs to use her intuition to make important decisions in the blink of a false eyelash," says pimp Doris Day.

Um... yeah... important... uh what?

"Liquid eyeliner beansprouts in a catamaran across the Andes," she continues.

Sorry I... um... pardon?

"Chicken candelabra ringing me up every Tuesday I can't stand it where's the windscreen?" says RuPaul Doris.

Oh yeah, sure, windscreen, no problem...

I'm not exactly sure what happened next because I was a bit distracted for some reason, but all the underwear models ended up in a bunk bed together so I think maybe it was an IKEA furniture assembly challenge.

The new IKEA Chekdatäss bunk, only $149.99

Derrick Barry wins for being the only queen to distinguish a Philips head from a flathead (her ex boyfriend was called Philip so she's an expert) and as her prize receives an awkward smile from an uncomfortable stranger:

"OK that's enough smiling, back to the bus stop with you now."

Back to pimp Doris Day to announce the week's main challenge: creating an election campaign advertisement to become Drag President of the USA!

Everyone is thrilled.

When your grandma asks how you like the jumper she gave you for Christmas.

When Derrick Barry asks you about soul.

"You'll be put in pairs, and you'll need to both promote yourself and smear your opponent," says RuPaul, before reading out a stupid hashtag that absolutely no one will use #thesedontwork.

"I've polled the judges to figure out who's your number one political adversary," he continues, before demonstrating how little the judges know about Werk Room relationships by pairing Chi Chi and Thorgy, Bob and Derrick and Kim Chi with Naomi.

If anyone had actually been watching this show for the past seven weeks they might have realised pairing Thorgy with Bob and Derrick with Chi Chi would have made for better TV, but no, sure, go ahead.

Meanwhile:

YAY RUPAUL'S BEST FRIENDS RACE!

Thorgy gets straight to work on her smear campaign against Chi Chi, immediately tearing through 30 pages of her notebook with witty burns and digs.

Oh this is gonna be so good, Thorgy is so funny, I can't wait to see what she's gonna...

Oh. Hmm.

For those who can't read this, it says: "When Chi Chi was 6 years old an elderly woman in her neighbourhood suffered from a life threatening disease for years, then passed away. Where was Chi Chi then? Chi Chi - she doesn't care about your health." As I said: hmm.

"The ad can't be any longer than 45 seconds, shit," says Thorgy, who for some reason seems to think she has more than that of good material.

Nope.

On the other side of the room Derrick and Bob are getting on like a house on fire, putting their mutual dislike for each other to good use in creating a double sided smear campaign.

"I'm obviously going to call you 'ratchet'," says Derrick.

When Derrick Barry uses the word "ratchet".

"And I'm going to play on this idea that you're not smart and I'm really smart," says Bob.

"Huh? Why?"

Meanwhile it seems Thorgy is still on edge as every time Bob breathes, she cracks it, yelling at her to shut up from across the room.

"Every time Bob succeeds Thorgy comes for him. Thorgy really wants to beat Bob, I think that's her personal vendetta in this competition," says Naomi,

That's weird, because I seem to remember not two minutes ago...

"I've polled the judges to figure out who's your number one political adversary..."

FAIL, JUDGES. FAIL.

Having finished writing (well, Thorgy is still going on her fifth notebook, but all she's written in the last four are "all work and no play makes Thorgy a dull boy") (drink, probably), all the queens head over to the studio to meet La Visage and Carson Kressley and shoot their ads.

First up are Derrick and Bob, who claims to be going for a "Michelle Obama meets Hillary Clinton" look.

Meets Basic Instinct.

Derrick meanwhile has considered every presidential look from history only to settle on Julia Louis Dreyfuss from VEEP, in a windstorm:

It is also apparent from her accessories that she may not know how to spell her own name.

Derrick begins her presidential performance, but it's all a bit tame.

"Nancy Grace it out a bit," says Carson.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"I strongly advise against that idea."

Next Derrick has to shoot her B roll, which she announces will be of Bob, wearing a hoodie, stealing money from the Pit Crew.

When Derrick says... yeah OK you get the idea.

"Hope there's no Skittles involved," says Michelle.

"No Arizona Tea either," says Bob, and everyone laughs.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WHAT THE ACTUAL?

Let's all just drink a shot and pretend none of that actually happened, or that it got through a team of producers and a director and an entire editing suite and a censorship department to make it to national television, shall we?

Yep, just one glass. That'll do it.

Moving on to Bob's smear campaign, which is based around the notion that Derrick eats babies.

Yep.

The idea might be lame (it is) but it does mean we get to see Derrick have blood splattered all over her face while wearing glittery underwear in what looks like the trailer for a new John Waters film:

"Wow that fake blood looks so real!"

"Oh, it's not fake."

BREAKING: Britney Spears announces plan to go death metal, releases new music video:

When your buffalo wings come with too much hot sauce.

Moving along to Naomi Smalls, who has decided to use the occasion to pay respects to the late, great artist Prince by coming dressed as his iconic 1995 Esquire magazine cover:

U sexy MF.

Sadly she doesn't also emulate Prince's mastery of the microphone, stammering: "America's next drag president must sign up for speeches at... must speak at... fuck!".

Personally, I can't wait to see America's next drag president speak at fuck, so I hope Naomi wins.

Next up is Kim Chi who announces her smear campaign against Naomi will take the form of a "food metaphor".

This consists of her making jokes about how Naomi is fat, delivered in her trademark style - ie: like Siri trying out a stand-up comedy career.

Here's a food metaphor for you Kim Chi: "shit sandwich".

Not to be outdone in the "terrible impression" stakes, Chi Chi DeVayne rocks up looking and sounding like John Wayne in fancy dress as the mum from Family Matters.

Unsurprisingly, this is not the performance the judges were hoping for.

La Visage tells her to drop the deep voice and use her Louisiana accent, sending Chi Chi into a spiral of self doubt.

"Where I'm from being 'country' is not the thing to be," she says.

And this is...?

And finally there's Thorgy Thor, who piles on so much ham her presidential campaign ad looks like a deli commercial.

"What this country needs is some good, old-fashioned OVER ACTING."

Meanwhile, watching on the sidelines:

"Damn, now THAT'S a food metaphor."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room where all the queens are preparing for the runway, which this week has the theme: "black and white movie realness", aka "that thing Detox did at the season five finale".

No shade, this was a terrific look. Actually, I guess it's all shade... Whatever.

Inspired by their campaign adverts, everyone starts talking about their political leanings, with Bob revealing she was arrested for blocking traffic during a pro marriage equality rally.

I'm tempted to make a joke about her being arrested by the fashion police, but this is actually the best look Bob has done on Drag Race so far.

"It's very important to vote because politicians LITERALLY make very real and very important decisions for you," says Bob, demonstrating her wealth of knowledge on the subject.

Keep an eye out for Bob's new book, out now.

Not to be outdone, Derrick decides to demonstrate her own political awareness by asking Kim Chi if she grew up in North or South Korea.

"Which is the one where the president is a lonely puppet?"

Somehow Kim Chi resists the urge to drag her through the floor and under the sea for this ridiculous question, perhaps because she is too busy trying to fix her liquid eyeliner:

When you fuck up your lash line so you just colour in your entire face instead.

But enough of all this because...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* For the third week running RuPaul demonstrates her total lack of interest in her own show by refusing to dress to the runway theme:

"Screw your black and white. It's my show, and I wanna wear purple. Again. When can I go back to Wyoming?"

* Fortunately Michelle Visage is there to pick up the slack, saluting the week's sexual politics theme by wearing a natty penis-shaped hat:

Giving new meaning to the term "helmet head".

* I literally have no idea who this is:

But HELLO.

* And the winner of this week's Overacting Award goes to... GUEST JUDGE VIVICA A FOX, who keeps randomly shouting "STRANGÉ!", having obviously decided that quoting a 24-year-old Eddie Murphy movie is the best way to get memed on Twitter.

Also:

Have a drink for Boomerang.

* "Tonight's runway is 'black and white realness'," announces RuPaul.

Hmm, that's funny, I could have sworn that earlier it was...

I guess the "movie" part is no longer important. I wonder why they changed that? Probably no reason, I guess...

* First down the runway is Bob the Drag Queen, looking like no one from any black and white film ever made:

Gee, lucky the category changed, huh?

* "Er, I've based my look on the movie 'Freaks'," says Bob, reading from the card a producer has handed her.

Just quietly: no one in 'Freaks' looked like an 18th century disco clown.

* Detox, what do you think of this interpretation of your look?

Same.

* Next up is Derrick Barry as the star of cult black and white film "Basic Bitch Goes To The Mall":

She's gonna be naughty and have an espresso martini right after she's finished shopping at Zara.

But then she pulls off an unprecedented move: pulling down her dress to reveal an even less interesting dress!

So unimpressive!

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Pfft, whatever."

* Next is Naomi, looking utterly fabulous in what is apparently an homage to a look Raven did in season two:

That season was so long ago I think they actually did film it in black and white.

Also:

Obscure Drag Race reference. Drink.

* "My idea is a sad looking French clown," says Kim Chi, adding "...in a Sin City setting" after a producer points furiously at the teleprompter.

Yep, this is definitely giving me "Sin City". Totally a black and white film reference. Definitely.

* Moving on to Thorgy Thor, who was apparently aiming for "Mae West meets Carrie Bradshaw" but has somehow ended up with "zombie Daryl Hannah"

And cheers to that, actually.

* And finally it's OH MY GOD CHI CHI THANK GOD YOU'VE FINALLY ARRIVED:

She had to take out a second loan on her trailer to fund all those sequins but it was worth it.

* Then it's time for the election ads. First up is Bob, whose campaign appears to focus on a healthy exercise plan, showing her doing squats with the Pit Crew:

That's what she's doing, right?

* Sadly, having apparently learned nothing from last week's runway, Bob once again allows herself to be overshadowed by people in better drag than her:

Will she never learn?

* "You did an excellent job. Strangé!" says Vivica A Fox.

Has anyone got a whip for Miss Fox, please?

* Next is Derrick's ad, which attempts to smear Bob by claiming she takes acid and goes to sex parties, as if that would be a BAD thing for the Drag President to do.

So, vote one Bob I guess?

* Moving on to Naomi Smalls, who got confused about the assignment and mistakenly made a sexual health PSA about the dangers of swallowing:

Well I guess that answers THAT question about Kim Chi...

* "Naomi Smalls says beauty is pain, BUT IS SHE AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ACTIONS?" yells Kim Chi in her campaign ad.

Note to Kim Chi: jokes typically tend to have punchlines.

* "America is a kitchen that needs a strong chef, and never trust a skinny cook," says Kim Chi, before going on to explain how Naomi is actually a "fat ass" so... I guess you can trust Naomi to cook the USA?

"Fuck, this food metaphor was a bad idea, huh?"

* "I don't think you're a big speaker,"La Visage tells Kim Chi.

No one can tell if she's crying or if that's just her makeup.

* Just when you think things couldn't possibly get worse, along comes Thorgy's ad, which is pretty much 30 seconds of Thorgy being as annoying as possible while trying to smear Chi Chi for handing out food to homeless people. It is about as successful as you can imagine.

* "There was no smear in that smear campaign," La Visage spits, to which Thorgy protests she had "too many ideas".

"Why didn't you just pick the funny ones then?"

* In the most accurate shade of the season so far, Carson tells Thorgy she looks like "a dead Boy George":

"Do you really want to hurt me, Carson?"

* Moving on to Chi Chi, whose campaign is based on her pledge to "ensure every American has a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out".

Well, the drag president would legalise pot, I guess.

It's a solid election promise, but sadly it looks less like a campaign ad and more like outtakes from new Tyler Perry film "Madea Gets A Job In Local Government".

* "You were rocking the Wanda-Sykes-As-Assistant-In-Monster-In-Law look,"Carson tells Chi Chi, before graciously accepting the Best Shade Ever Twice In A Row award from a producer.

Meanwhile on the other end of the desk:

"I thought I was the only one allowed to reference shitty old movies this episode?"

* Michelle Visage reiterates how difficult it was to get Chi Chi to act like herself, rather than a character, to which Chi Chi responds: "Where I come from it's damn hard to get out of the ghetto; I don't want to be ghetto!"

"YOU WILL ACT GHETTO GOD DAMMIT IT'S FUNNIER."

* "This is my sixth season doing this and I have never seen such a strong set of girls before," says Michelle.

That's weird, because I feel like we see Michelle's strong set of girls pretty much every season.

* "There is not one of you that was terrible at all," she continues, in what is perhaps the least inspiring speech ever made.

Meanwhile, everyone is thrilled to get one of these this week.

* Reminder: this guy is still there:

He actually hasn't moved throughout the entire judging session. I suspect he may be a replicant.

* "BRING BACK MY GIRLS, MR GORBACHEV!" yells RuPaul.

Us over-30s are gonna need this, excuse me.

The queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Rrivre Works Inc. "Rrivre Works - we don't know what the hell we do either".

Despite Naomi Smalls turning in the funniest campaign ad and looking the sickest on the runway, and her partner Kim Chi getting rave reviews for her outfit, Bob and Derrick are crowned joint winners of the week because, I dunno. No reason?

Both of them receive a slew of glittering prizes to share including a 20 per cent off voucher for Krispy Kreme (valid Tuesdays only at stores in Dakota), a signed photo of RuPaul:

(From 2008.)

...and a screensaver of Michelle Visage raising her eyebrow:

Compatible with Windows 95 only.

Just then RuPaul sends Naomi and Kim Chi back to the safe zone, leaving...

oh no....

...no it can't be...

...NOT THORGY AND CHI CHI IN THE BOTTOM TWO!?!

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

Meanwhile, at the back of the stage:

"Just keep smiling and everyone will think you deserve to be here... just keep smiling..."

Rather fittingly tonight's lip sync song is "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going", a heartbreakingly powerful torch song from the movie Dreamgirls about one woman's refusal to let her man leave her.

Unfortunately Thorgy seems to think it's a fun cabaret tune about closing time at the pub, punctuating her performance with lots of winks and smirks:

"Come on mate, just one more pint?"

Meanwhile Chi Chi's on the other end of the runway like:

PEW PEW!

Having destroyed the entire studio with her laser fingers, Chi Chi turns her attention to destroying Thorgy, sticking her stiletto through her necklace and showering the runway in deadly Swarovski crystals:

"And I am telllllling yoooou, I am not OH SHIT!"

The judges go wild!

Still hasn't moved.

Thorgy somehow manages not to stack it on Chi Chi's beads and even does a cartwheel - but her theatrics have come too late. She's told to sashay away.

"Witty catchphrase, you know what I mean?" says Thorgy as she dances off the stage to the sound of my miserable wailing.

THIS SEASON IS SO STUPID.

We could all take a moment to reflect for the 500th time on why Derrick Barry continues to remain in this competition when truly interesting stars like Thorgy are told to sashay away, but instead let's all take a moment to remember the true villain of this season:

The reason why episode seven couldn't have the double save we all deserved.

Well that's it for this week. I'm going to go cry into some wigs or something. Come back soon for episode eight. Or you can go and READ EPISODE SIX again. Whatever, nothing matters anymore.

Well it's been just over a week since RuPaul gave the big, glittery platform boot to Thorgy Thor, and she seems to be coping with the loss really well:

It's OK Thorge, I like to eat my feelings too.

All of the other queens are pretending to care that she's gone, a sentiment of indifference which isn't helped by the message Thorgy has left them on the Werk Room mirror, reading: "Top 3: Naomi, Bob, Deryk".

Meanwhile, in the corner:

Still can't tell...

Meanwhile, in the other corner:

"Who the fuck's Deryk and how can I get rid of her?"

Meanwhile, in the other corner:

"Whatever, y'all know I'm taking this thing out."

"Real talk, y'all: Derrick's ass should have been lip syncing tonight," says Chi Chi.

Real talk y'all: Derrick's ass lip syncing would probably be more entertaining than the way she normally does it.

It seems Chi Chi isn't the only one who thinks Derrick has outstayed her welcome; Kim Chi and Naomi agree. Along with the rest of the world's viewing audience.

"WHY WON'T SHE JUST DO HER EYEBROWS PROPERLY DAMMIT."

"Derrick's black and white runway looked like he stepped out of the thrift store bargain sale day," says Kim Chi.

Whereas Kim looks like she just stepped out of a Japanese toy shop.

Annoyed at having the whole room come for her again, Derrick starts defending herself, shrieking: "Hey, Bob and I smeared the shit out of each other!"

"Gross, no one needs to know about what you do in your spare time."

"It's just funny to me because this is my drag,"Derrick continues, in an expert demonstration of self-shade.

Still, she does admit she needs to change her makeup to make it draggier - blocking out her eyebrows and changing her hairline, for example.

Fortunately Chi Chi is on hand to show Derrick a "more drag" way to wear her hair:

"If yew staple yer wig to yer head lahk this, it looks lahk yew bin dragged threw a bush."

Hey Chi Chi, what's your general reaction to Derrick pledging to change her hair and makeup to be a better drag artist when there are literally three episodes to go?

Same.

Oh and hey Chi Chi, what do you do when you're at a restaurant and you want the cheque?

Cool just checking.

Purse first.

SEEDOREDRUMDEADHAIRS.

Puns puns pop culture references.

"Every. God. Damn. Week."

Suddenly a cold wind blows through the Werk Room, causing all the queens to quiver even more than the fake brick walls made out of canvas.

As everyone huddles under Bob's giant bouffant wig to keep warm, the whole room starts to shake violently, the makeup tables rocking back and forth spilling cotton wool balls all over the floor.

"Shit, now what am I gonna eat around here?" sighs Naomi.

Just then a shelving unit dislodges from the wall and topples towards the queens, threatening to flatten them all under a 10 foot pile of thigh pads, but tragedy is averted when Derrick shoots out from underneath Bob's butt and catches the shelf in mid air.

"I'm stronger than yesterday!" she cries, as she single handedly pushes it back against the wall.

Zing!

Everyone's on the brink of tears (except maybe for Kim Chi, because who can tell) when the door at the top of the stairs bursts open to reveal RuPaul, dressed as a diagram of a bacterial colony to promote Macmillan Science Textbooks.

Well, you gotta take those sponsorship dollars where you can get them, right?

That's nitrospirae on his right lapel, and planctomycetes on his pocket...

"Blah blah blah PUPPETS," says RuPaul.

"Everybody loves puppets!" says everyone.

True dat.

As per Drag Race tradition, each queen gets given a puppet version of one of their competitors, which they receive by sticking their hand into a lucky dip inside a wall.

Funnily enough, this is not the first time any of the queens have been pulled through a hole in the wall.

With one exception.

RuPaul gives them 20 minutes to drag up their puppets, and they all race over to the craft table to pick over the accessories.

All except for Kim Chi, who gets Chi Chi and so walks straight past the craft table to the rubbish bin.

"All this shit is way too expensive looking - where's yesterday's lunch scraps?"

"I'm lucky I didn't get someone who wears makeup," snarks Naomi, glueing a piece of roadkill onto her Derrick puppet.

"Remember honey I paint for the Las Vegas stage where you actually have to look like someone," snips Derrick.

Not like anyone famous, necessarily. Just someone.

When the puppet show eventually comes around it's clear that everyone has somehow slipped into an alternate universe where Derrick is actually funny, because Derrick is actually funny.

"Is this your rollergirl outfit, your Madonna outfit or your neon outfit?"Derrick asks her Naomi puppet.

"They're all the same," deadpans the puppet, Naomi style.

Accurate.

Naomi gets her own back with her puppet recreation of Derrick's Wizard of Oz look, shrieking "I HAND SEWED THIS ENTIRE PIECE OF FABRIC BUTTONED UP AROUND MY WAIST!"

It took me at least 30 seconds to realise this wasn't actually Derrick.

But top honour goes to Chi Chi, who dresses her Bob puppet like Monique in Precious and makes it "walk into the club purse first":

Can't be Bob, the makeup is too good.

Chi Chi wins and receives as her prize a fleeting glance from RuPaul. Congratulations, Chi Chi!

"This week's maxi challenge is a book ball, featuring guest judge author and humourist David Sedaris," announces RuPaul.

"Just smile and pretend you know what any of those words mean."
"What did you say, puppet?"

Meanwhile, can I just say OMG DAVID SEDARIS AS GUEST JUDGE THIS EPISODE IS RELEVANT TO ALL OF MY INTERESTS.

David Sedaris is MY HERO. So now is a great time for me to humblebrag about the time I got a book signed by him in a New York bookshop, and he drew a picture of me "grafted onto your sister's ovaries after a terrible car accident".

I do not tell a lie.

"In the book ball, you will have to create three looks that tell the story of your life," continues RuPaul, who is still trying to pretend this isn't just a big publicity push for his and Michelle Visage's new books.

"Get it? Book ball? Story of your life? Reading is fundamental! We totally love books, they're so relevant to this show etc. hey why not download my book at Amazon.com?"

The three looks the queens will have to parade today are "baby drag realness", an homage to their childhood or early days in drag, "that's my mama realness", paying tribute to their mums, and "autobiographical eleganza extravaganza" which is, as RuPaul explains: "a couture outfit made entirely out of books".

"We don't have to read them first, do we?"

"For your first two looks you can use clothes, shoes and accessories from the Out of the Closet thrift store," announces RuPaul, gesturing to a table full of hideous crap.

What the hell kind of thrift shop is this? A THRIFT SHOP FOR GIANTS?

The only hat in Hollywood bigger than RuPaul's.

No sooner have the sewing machines come out than so have the claws, turning the Werk Room into a proper stitch-and-bitch session.

"Is that how I really sound, how Derrick did my puppet?" pouts Naomi.

"Yeah, you're like Paris Hilton, like, giving me one note," laughs Derrick.

And we know how much Derrick hates using just one note.

"Bitch I'm not mad, I have tough skin," says Naomi.

"It looks like it," retorts Derrick.

OHHHHH SNAP!

"And Derrick has thin hair," snaps Naomi,

BAM!

"The fun thing about Naomi is that she only has one thing to say, and then she has to think for hours to come up with another read," continues Derrick, before adding "'I have one thing to say: I am not that smart'.".

Well let's not get too cocky, eh Derrick?

"Hey guys, seems like now would be a great time to go use the Shade Tree!" suggests a producer from off camera.

Everyone ignores him.

While Naomi and Derrick continue to pit their incredible IQs against each other, everyone else gets to work ripping up books to make their costumes.

Most are tearing out pages of RuPaul's book 'Workin' It' - not because they think it will impress him, it's just a really shit book.

This is how the third reich started, you know.

"My outfit is going to be taking elements of your book and mixing it up with pictures of famous paintings, because I feel like celebrity female impersonation is such an artform,"Derrick explains to RuPaul.

RuPaul is so bored, he falls asleep.

Usually when this happens his assistant hangs a "Do not disturb" sign around his neck but she's sick today.

One of the producers nudges RuPaul and he jerks awake, gasping: "Do you know how to paint an illusion on your face?"

"Yes," replies Derrick.

"I've always got an illusion on my face - THIS is my real face."

Moving on to Chi Chi, who starts explaining her "mama realness" outfit to RuPaul.

"My mama always wears platinum blonde hair, long eyelashes, leopard print, she's a party girl," says Chi Chi.

BREAKING: Chi Chi's mum may be Nene Leakes.

Oh awesome, hey that's great, what a great challenge this is huh? MAMAS, am I right? Everyone got a mama! Hey Bob, tell us a crazy story about your mama!

"My mother has a rare form of pneumonia," says Bob.

Oh. Well. That's...

NAOMI!

"How are you going to insert more of you into this challenge?" asks RuPaul.

Like I said, you gotta take that sponsorship money where you can get it.

"A few weeks ago you were almost fading into the background, but you came up from behind and knocked them dead," continues RuPaul, as Naomi continues to miss every innuendo thrown her way.

How's your head, Naomi?

"I'm kind of glad I was in the bottom two, because it literally lit a fire under my ass," says Naomi.

Well, that explains that smell.

Over to Kim Chi, who explains to Ru that her mother doesn't know she does drag.

"I'm worried that she'll see all of this as a waste of time," she says.

Aw come on, why would she think that?

But wait! RuPaul has a big announcement!

"Not only will we be joined tomorrow by David Sedaris, but his twisted sister AMY SEDARIS will be here too!" he says.

"Seriously, who the fu...?"

Then RuPaul tells them that as part of the parade, they'll all have to dress up as Amy Sedaris' comedy character Jerri Blank and do a dance routine. Unfortunately he's not joking.

"Chi Chi, you won the puppet mini challenge so you'll be head choreographer," says RuPaul, in what has to be the worst prize ever awarded on this show.

And that is seriously saying something.

They all go off to rehearse what will no doubt be the least funny thing ever associated with Jerri Blank ever, which looks less like a tribute to Amy Sedaris and more like the winners' podium for the Moron Olympics:

Double gold.

Back in the Werk Room Bob is trying really hard to live up to Michelle Visage's demands from last week's runway by creating a "glamorous" dress, which she is fashioning out of cardboard and hot glue.

Sadly, it just looks like Spiderman jizzed on the recycling.

"It is literally so close you can taste it," gasps Naomi.

It is unclear whether she is talking about being in the top four, or Bob's jizz-dress.

Having run out of RuPaul books to tear up, Kim Chi picks up a new pastime: ragging on Bob's makeup.

"I don't think your makeup is terrible, it just looks like you're not wearing any," she says.

This is actually the shadiest comment of the season.

"I think beauty is important," interrupts Naomi for no reason.

"You might be able to death drop, but it's not going to be as impressive if you look a fucking busted mess."

Exhibit A.

"Then why don't you ever glue down your lacefronts?"Derrick snaps at Naomi.

"I can not wait to see a shot of you and screencaps go round and it's just lifted lace," she squawks.

Yeah, that won't be the only screencap that goes around.

Suddenly what started as a comment on Bob's makeup becomes an all-in catfight about beauty standards, lacefront glue and the underlying philosophies of drag. Unfortunately, with all available copies of RuPaul's "Workin' It" having been shredded and turned into dresses, the queens are a bit shaky on all of that, so they just attack Derrick for the hell of it.

"We all came here with our own aesthetic, and you're always Britney Spears. You're coming to represent you as a drag queen, not Britney Spears. Why wouldn't you come as Derrick Barry?"Naomi asks.

"If I have to change my face to be myself, then I'm not really being myself," says Derrick.

This is the only appropriate reaction to that statement.

"YOU'RE JUST A POOR MAN'S BRITNEY SPEARS!" yells Naomi.

"THE POOR MAN'S BRITNEY SPEARS IS BRITNEY SPEARS!" yells Derrick.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where Bob is already ensuring her place in the bottom two by converting her ball gown into a gown that may possibly show her balls.

"It's OK, short can be glamorous too," says Kim Chi unconvincingly.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"You're damn right!"

Over at the makeup mirror, the producers are making sure we all feel a bit of sympathy for Derrick so it's a more poignant moment when she probably gets eliminated later, so they show a long clip of her explaining her fraught relationship with her mother.

"Everything changed when I came out to her,"Derrick says.

"The only thing she said was 'do you mind if I keep this under my hat?'."

And here is the hat Derrick's mum will need now her son is starring in an internationally televised drag competition.

Still, after Derrick's radical makeup change this episode there's a chance no one will recognise her at all.

She's blocked out her eyebrows and drawn them on for the very first time, finally creating a new drag character other than Britney Spears:

It's a superhero called "Surprise-O the Mistress of Perpetual Amazement".

"I am seeing tremendous effort and fearlessness, but on the other hand I am seeing someone's dad doing drag for the first time," gasps Bob.

"Oh my god, it's bad."

Coming from Bob, this is really saying something.

But enough of all this brow beating...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In keeping with this week's runway theme, RuPaul has come dressed as a party girl with platinum blonde hair and long lashes...

It's Chi Chi's mother.

(In other news: I'm glad Mathu Andersen is finally having the holiday he deserves)

* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has also come as a mother:

A baaaad mutha.

* My hero David Sedaris is there, please go and buy all his books:

He will probably hate this screencap. Sorry, Mr Sedaris.

* His awesome sister Amy Sedaris is also there, bow down to the greatest siblings of all time:

I know this looks like Julia Louis Dreyfuss melted on someone's dash, but take my word for it, it's Amy Sedaris.

* First it's time for "Jerri Blank The Musical", or whatever the fuck it is. "Five Queens Flail About With Hunchbacks And Buck Teeth For Three Distinctly Unfunny Minutes" is probably a more appropriate title, to be honest.

This works too.

* The less said about that the better, so let's move on to the ball which is probably a good idea anyway as there's five queens each wearing three outfits and MY GOD HOW LONG DOES THIS GOD DAMN EPISODE WANT TO BE?

* Category IS: "baby drag realness", and Kim Chi is first down the runway dressed as... An alien TV antenna? An extra from the Flintstones? A cry for help?

It's probably best not to ask too many questions about Kim Chi's childhood, tbh.

* Moving on to Naomi who manages to make dressing like a giant baby look fashionable:

Meanwhile, dozens of diaper fetish websites suddenly got their new poster girl.

* Next up is Bob, looking like "Streetwalker 1" from the X rated adults version of The Flintstones Movie, "The C**tstones".

Meanwhile, how many pairs of those damn shoes are there back there?

* OK, let's have a look at Derri... OH GOD NO MAKE IT STOP, MAKE THE SCARY SHOW STOP MUMMY.

It's like Ronald McDonald trying drag for the first time.

* Hey Derrick, you know how the other queens told you to "carve out your face" more? Maybe try that literally next time, it might look better.

* Moving on to Chi Chi, who looks like Tina Turner got caught in a sleeping bag:

Meanwhile, sales of these shoes sky rocketed after this episode.

* Category IS: "That's my mama realness", and first up is Kim Chi who unfortunately misheard the theme as "Tagalog drama realness" and has come as Imelda Marcos:

Nailed it. Literally.

* If this is supposed to be a book ball it's probably safe to say Kim Chi's story is never getting published, with lines like "her mother had to release her seed in the wind for Kim to become the botanical sensation she always wanted to be".

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Oi, I'm the only botanical sensation around here."

* Whatever botanical sensations are going around the studio David Sedaris has clearly had some:

"But have you ever really thought about your hand before? I mean REALLY thought about it?"

* Then there's Naomi Smalls who looks like Naomi Campbell in an episode of Punk'd where Ashton Kutcher convinces her she's been hired to star in a commercial for Baby Born dolls:

Still looks hot though.

* Then there's Bob, who has put on a mismatched pantsuit (bitch, that's navy and black, what are you doing) that's too short for her and a blouse from the Katies sale bin, slapped on some lipstick and wandered out looking like Karen from accounts:

She's not going to tell you again to label your food in the refrigerator.

* Next up is Derri... OH MY GOD THE SCARY MAN IS BACK PLEASE MAKE IT STOP MUMMY.

Derrick's look is less "mom" and more Princess Mombi.

(Shout out to anyone who actually gets this reference, btw)

* Just in case Derrick's mum outfit isn't frightening enough, she then tells everyone how she's recreating how her mother looked on the night she was conceived.

Unrelated, but I've heard this is a good play.

* Hey remember what I said about Chi Chi's mum possibly being Nene Leakes?

CONFIRMED.

* Category IS: "autobiographical eleganza extravaganza", otherwise known as "piss elegant plus books". And here comes Kim Chi who is still persisting with this bizarre botanical metaphor she's got going, except this time with books thrown in:

On the plus side, this is the best use anyone has so far found for RuPaul's book since its release.

* Stop press, it's Naomi, looking like a total fucking goddess:

This is the closest Naomi has come to actually reading a book in years.

* "It's not about being the prettiest or wearing the best dress," announces Bob as she walks out onto the runway.

Well that's lucky.

* Moving on to Derri... WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH DERRICK?

No, it must be Derrick: there's a corset with things glued to it.

* Ironically, for the queen with the fewest number of book pages stuck to her, Derrick is far and away the easiest to read tonight.

* Finally it's Chi Chi DeVayne, who's the hottest thing to come wrapped in paper since my fish and chip dinner last Friday:

I skipped to the final chapter of Chi Chi's book, it says "SHE WINS".

* Chi Chi looks so damn good, the only appropriate reaction is this:

GET IT.

* Amy Sedaris says she loves Kim Chi's looks, and that she "couldn't wait for her to come out". Coincidentally, this is the exact opposite of how Kim Chi's mother feels.

* Naomi starts crying about how much she loves her mother, has to blow her nose on her own paper dress.

* David Sedaris praises Bob for "not trying to look too pretty", deftly stealing the Shadiest Shade Award for this episode from Kim Chi.

* La Visage doubles down on David's critique, telling Bob: "I am not getting book at all from your dress, I'm getting cardboard."

"I'm still wearing books, I'm just not wearing pages, but it's a book," says Bob.

Yeah, see this particular book is a best seller known as "Packing Box".

"Books are not made of corrugated cardboard," says Michelle.

SNAP, BITCH. You can't lie to La Visage.

* Michelle calls Naomi "Miss Underdog 2016", which makes a nice change from last year's title - "Miss Doggystyle 2015".

* Annoyingly everyone has to pretend Bob's "Walmart manager" runway look was great, because to call it a disaster might somehow insult Bob's actual mother. Dammit.

* La Visage tries to find a way to be polite about Derrick's new makeup, but the best she can do is: "I have seen what you've done with your eyebrows."

Dude, astronauts on the International Space Station can see what Derrick has done with her eyebrows.

* Ross Mathews calls Chi Chi a horse and says he's hung up on her. Or maybe he calls her a well-hung horse, I can't remember, I was too distracted by Derrick's eyebrows.

* "For me, I'm gonna say, Chi Chi is probably my favourite," says Michelle.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB, GURL.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Amazon Kindle. Amazon Kindle: No one buys paper books anymore, you idiots!

For refusing to let a confusing visual metaphor die, Kim Chi is crowned the night's winner and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a half-used bottle of Old Spice, a cube of tofu that Michelle Visage once threw in a waiter's face while yelling "I CAN'T EAT SOY" and a copy of every one of tonight's judges' books! She can use them to rest her feet on while she reads David and Amy's.

Naomi and Chi Chi are both sent back to the safe zone, leaving Bob "Cardboard is Books" The Drag Queen and and Derrick "Paint is Eyebrows" Barry to go head to head in a lip sync battle to Sylvester's "You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)".

Derrick immediately pulls out her Britney dance moves, grabbing her crotch and pointing and doing power hands all over the place, but with her crazy eyebrows the overall effect is less "pop princess" and more "pill popper".

Meanwhile, Bob is strutting around and sweating and raising her hands to the heavens like she's a whore in church, breaking off a piece of her dress to fan herself with:

"You can't do THAT shit with a Kindle."

It's a neck and neck performance that only gets closer when they both drop to their knees and swiffer the runway with their taints:

If this doesn't encourage kids to read I don't know what will.

In the end though, RuPaul can only save one queen - and it's Bob. Because seriously, nothing's going to sink that bitch.

"That's how you go out in style, girls," says Derrick as she shakes her decoupaged butt out the door.

Actually that's how you go out In Style, and Vogue, and Harper's Bazaar, and Women's Weekly...

Well that's it for this week. Join me again soon for episode nine when the final three are revealed! Place your bets, kids! My money's on: Chi Chi, Naomi and Kim Chi. Whatever the combo, it's a honky-free zone for the first year in Drag Race herstory! #Diversity y'all!

While you're waiting for the next installment, don't forget you can always go back and READ EPISODE SEVEN again...

As always we rejoin our queens in the Werk Room, where it immediately becomes apparent what happened to Derrick Barry after she walked off stage last night:

Someone poured water on her and she melted.

Everyone casually steps over the pile of denim and nylon that used to be Derrick and moves on to the real topic of discussion: why it took this damn long for Bob to get in the bottom two.

"I feel like there's a dent in my armour now,"Bob sighs.

Which can happen when your armour is made out of cardboard.

"The judges told me I have to work on being ugly and I don't think I know how to do that," says Naomi.

"Can you make an ugly face for us right now?" asks Kim Chi, and Naomi obliges.

Italian Vogue would still run it.

Just then the pill Naomi popped on the runway finally kicks in, prompting her to launch into an impromptu impression of Lady Gaga's Artpop album cover:

Would rather see Naomi perform, tbh.

Hey Naomi, while you're feeling talkative, what was the worst thing about Derrick?

Cool.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and we're back in the Werk Room which, thanks to the magic of costuming and set design, has been transformed into an exact replica of this week's sponsor: Shonelle's Salon and Day Spa in Huntington, Ohio:

OK, so they've just put on some robes. That's pretty much all you get at Shonelle's too.

Just as the queens are taking in all the glamour in their deluxe polyester robes, they begin to feel an ominous presence lurking behind them. They immediately fall into fearful silence as a sinister heavy breathing fills the room, punctuated by tiny, forbidding squeaks, like an evil mouse hatching a plan to take over the world.

Slowly the queens turn around and...

...as it turns out it's not the devil or a poltergeist, it's just RuPaul practising his impression of a tube of foundation:

Gotta get that sponsor money where you can, chickens.

"For your final maxi challenge you'll star in the official music video for 'The Realness'," announces RuPaul, before demonstrating his handy new pump-action lid.

Wait, you mean there's no stupid mini challenge where they have to dress up as a judge or glue macaroni to a puppet?

Holy Six Pack, what say you to this?

I think they speak for all of us.

"Wo!" gasps Naomi.

"Yes!" sighs Chi Chi.

"I'M A VIDEO HO!" shrieks Bob in delight.

Meanwhile:

TFW you realise your entire future hangs on your ability to dance, and you're Kim Chi.

Fortunately for Kim Chi, RuPaul has brought along a giant condom stuffed full of walnuts to help get them motivated for the video shoot:

Yes I stole that joke from Clive James, I make no apologies.

"Ug," says the condom.

But wait, RuPaul has a big announcement!

"Whoever is eliminated tomorrow will be edited out of the final video... FOREVER," he says.

Probably a career boon, to be honest.

"It's so important to do well in this challenge because this is going to be a determining factor in whether you're America's next drag superstar," says Chi Chi.

Special category: Stating the bloody obvious.

But enough of all that...

IT'S VIDEO SHOOT TIME!

* The condom announces today's shoot will be "all about flow-tography", which sounds like something you'd see on a tampon commercial.

Probably using this camera.

* The condom explains that the queens will have to lip sync into an overhead camera while lying on their backs. All of them are ecstatic, being so used to working on their backs already.

With one exception.

* First on the slab is Naomi, who shows just how feminine she is by immediately doing an impression of a woman preparing for a pap smear:

This is exactly what it's like, silk scarves and everything.

* The condom tells Naomi to lie back and pretend that she is floating in a giant void. Funnily enough, imagining a giant void is not difficult for Naomi.

*"I'm starting to freak out because my ridiculously long legs aren't floating," she sighs.

OH NO POOR NAOMI.

* Ugh, Naomi looks terrible.

Just awful.

* Moving on to Bob, who looks like the home brand version of Naomi:

Bob looks less like a person floating through air, and more like how that person looks when they hit the ground.

* Meanwhile:

Now we know what Oprah sees when she closes her eyes at night.

* "The hardest part of this challenge is definitely moving," says Kim Chi.

And also not getting your head accidentally caught in the set.

* Moving isn't Kim Chi's only problem; it seems looking straight into the camera is also difficult for her.

"Hey Kim Chi, I'm getting a lot of chin," says the condom.

"IS THAT MEANT TO BE RACIST?"

* All things considered, it's amazing they even got this shot of Kim Chi:

Could honestly watch this all day.

* Moving on to part two of the video, for which the theme is "avant garde". Sadly, Chi Chi has interpreted this as "Strangé mid way through a meth binge":

I don't even know.

* Still she's slightly more interesting than Bob, who has rocked up looking like the unfortunate lovechild of her own "New Wave" look and Thorgy in neon week:

A thrifty queen, Bob isn't content unless she can get several wears out of each wig.

* Bob's up first, and starts dancing unenthusiastically for the cameras.

"Bob, you're at a five - I want you at a 10," says the condom.

No shade, but Bob's never gonna be a 10.

* Sensing the crew might be losing interest Bob throws herself dramatically to the ground, ironically looking more like a floating person than she did in the first segment:

"Kim Chi, this is how you fall, bitch."

* Sadly Kim Chi can't hear her, as she's too busy LOOKING AMAZING:

Also her ears are full of feathers.

* OH DAMN SNAP YASS:

Shut it down. Winner. Of everything.

* Next up is Chi Chi, who unfortunately is wearing all black in front of the black backdrop and so basically looks like this:

She should quit while she's a head.

* Hey Chi Chi, what colour should you wear when you have to do a shoot in front of a black background?

Exactly.

* Moving on to the final part of the video which is meant to showcase "glamour".

Bob?

To be fair I'd make this face too if that's what I saw in the mirror.

* It appears that in an effort to look edgy, Bob has painted her right hand black and her left hand gold. But then everyone realises that's just how she puts on her makeup - by painting her fists and punching herself in the face.

* SHUT. UP.

Seriously, shut up.

* Sensing her time on the show may be running out, Chi Chi uses her last bit of video time to audition for a part in an upcoming Cornetto commercial:

Nailed it.

* Not to be outdone, Kim Chi comes dressed as a homebrand rainbow Paddlepop:

Nailed it. Pity no one likes homebrand.

* Just as the condom is about to yell "cut", who should come stumbling onto the lot but season six winner Bianca Del Rio, doing a very loud comedy bit about being late for the photo shoot from episode one.

"JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES," says Bianca, while everyone pretends to find it funny.

"Seriously, what is happening right now?"

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and OMG: it's The Last Day In The Werk Room!

Everyone is nervous about the upcoming elimination, except maybe for Chi Chi, who is looking forward to going home to a proper meal of turkey neck.

"I jiss hate the ferkin food in California, gross Whole Foods bullshiii," she drawls.

Given Chi Chi previously declared her fondness for dog treats, this is a real indictment against Californian cuisine.

"While y'all talkin bout me eating turkey necks, this bitch Kim Chi says she eats fried chicken buttholes," slags Chi Chi.

"You eat other people's buttholes, why is chicken any different?" snaps Kim Chi.

Zing!

"And those motherf**kers are undercooked!" hoots Bob.

Boom!

AND SCENE.

Meanwhile:

"I don't get it."

But enough of all this food talk...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In honour of her new music video's use of "flow-tography", RuPaul has come dressed as though she is literally emerging from a fallopian tube:

It's that time of the month... TO LOOK FABULOUS!

* First down the runway is Bob, who describes her outfit as "a feminine take on a tuxedo" with a "crazy sequinned jacket", but who in reality looks like Whoopi Goldberg getting ready to conduct a Prince-themed lesbian wedding in Las Vegas:

Whoopi probably would have worn Converse though.

* Next up is Chi Chi who looks drop dead gorgeous, but boring. Like Miranda Kerr.

That makeup though.

* Then there's Kim Chi, who has come dressed as the bird of prey that probably killed her chicken from earlier on, in yet another visual metaphor for her own evolution:

Coco Chanel once famously said "before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off". Kim Chi puts so many things on when she looks in the mirror she can barely leave the house at all.

* GET. OUT.

Bow down bitches.

* Then RuPaul asks each queen what they would tell their younger selves if they could go back in time:

"Learn how to do makeup."

"When you get to the final four, don't be boring."

"Not everything is about food."

"Wait I have one more: when you're on TV in drag, don't show your profile. Also: learn how to do makeup."

"Don't wait until episode six to show up."

* Michelle Visage says she wishes Bob had worn a gown instead of leggings.

Me too. One like this would have been good.

* "I think this is a really good place for your drag,"Ross Mathews tells Bob, in what might be the shadiest shade bomb of the entire season.

* "Looking at your journey on the show, your taste level was sometimes questionable,"Carson tells Chi Chi.

OH REALLY CARSON PLEASE TELL ME MORE.

* "Even though we've fought this awkward body movement the entire season, I think you've got to a place where you can work it now,"Michelle Visage tells Kim Chi.

Yeah...

* "In fact looking at your entire journey I don't think there was one look that you didn't kill,"Michelle continues.

I guess we can give her a pass on this one.

* La Visage tells Chi Chi and Naomi she's surprised they're there, saying "This is not the final four I would have predicted at the beginning of the competition".

Literally the most obvious final four in Drag Race history.

* "Bob's makeup has always been... not... great," Carson ventures, but is exploded by a laser on RuPaul's command before he gets to finish his sentence.

* Everyone else goes back to pretending Bob doesn't look like Rick James accidentally dipped his chin in bleach:

"It's super bleach, super bleach, it's super bleachy YOW!"

* Carson proves he might be in need of an eye test and/or psychiatric testing by describing Naomi as "someone who might be there in a year or two, but not yet".

GIRL.

IS.

YOU.

SERIOUS?

Yeah OK well let's not dwell too much on that one.

There's some more deliberation (ie: lots of dull platitudes and niceties and not much actual criticism because it's the last episode and no one wants to be mean) and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Tampax. Tampax: For when you DON'T wanna go with the flow(tographer)!

Because she hasn't plugged it enough this episode, RuPaul makes all four queens lip sync to her new song "The Realness", and it's about as exciting as you'd expect given we've now heard this song about 15 times in the last half an hour.

But just as I'm about to pass out from boredom RuPaul utters the fateful words: "Chi Chi De Vayne - sashay away".

What?

WHAT?

GOD DAMMIT RUPAUL.

"It's a knife in the heart, the back, the ass," says Chi Chi in her usual classy way.

God damn right it is.

I'm too upset to say anrthing about this. Imma leave the final word on this to the lady herself:

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.

Until next time...

COME THROUGH!

Speaking of next time - apparently the finale isn't airing next week like I thought, but on Monday May 16, which happens to be the day before I jump on a plane and fly to Los Angeles for a holiday. So not only will I basically be quarantined in the sky from the internet for a full day while the winner is announced, I won't actually be able to recap it until late June.

THANKS A LOT RUPAUL. NO REALLY, THANKS.

So... I guess if you can't wait over a month for my finale recap, why not go back and READ EPISODE EIGHT again? Like, over and over and over?

They said it would never happen.

They said it was over.

They said I had given up, gone into hiding, thrown in my lacefront.

WELL GUESS WHAT?

I'M BACK!

Yes, 15 weeks after the season 8 finale aired and exactly 14 weeks and six days after everyone completely stopped caring about it, I am back and ready to recap!

Technically I've only delayed this recap by nine weeks, as six of the last 15 weeks were spent jetsetting around America on holiday, including Los Angeles where I got to visit the RuPaul shop at Sweet on Hollywood Boulevard:

The Shade Tree was even crappier in real life.

I even got to thrust a dollar at Morgan McMichaels at Hamburger Mary's:

More than RuPaul ever gave her.

AND WHAT'S NINE WEEKS BETWEEN FRIENDS, EH?

To be perfectly honest it's taken me that long to get over the shock elimination of Chi Chi in episode nine.

Accurate impression of me since mid May.

Right so anyway, here we are at the finale, which everyone has already seen and nobody cares about anymore, and I can't remember a single thing that happened this season or who was even in it but ISN'T THIS JUST SO EXCITING I WONDER WHO WILL WIN?

Speaking of memory loss, let's not forget the annual Bland Canyon Drag Race Finale Drinking Game! Pop your Fruity Lexia, get out your goonbags and get ready to party like alcohol related brain impairment isn't a thing!

These ladies haven't even had a drink yet, they're just excited.

The rules are simple. Just drink a shot when:

* One of the Bland Canyon Holy Six Pack appears.

* RuPaul looks a million times better than anyone else on stage.

* "Purse first".

* "Cu-cu".

* Everyone pretends Acid Betty is a bitch.

* Everyone pretends Kim Chi is fat.

* An eliminated queen suffers from the delusion that the audience still cares about her and things get awkward.

* Manila Luzon wears that one pineapple outfit she has. Again.

* Someone wears a giant fleshy crown grafted on to their head complete with veins and decorative cockroaches.

OK, so that last one is probably unlikely. Not sure why I included it, to be honest.

Anyway so here we all are at the Orpheum Theatre in "downtown Los Angeles" (for all those people who are running late on the night and need to know exactly what part of town it's in) and once again it's a star-studded evening, with celebrities positively spilling into the aisles!

Why, there's...

Er. THIS QUEEN!

And...

Gimme a second... her face rings a bell...

And please welcome... your first drink for the evening!

Sharon's plastic surgery has gone way too far. I mean, an arm coming out of her neck now? JUST STOP, SHARON.

Double down!

Cheers to that season one filter!

TRIPLE SHOT.

I haven't even seen everyone else on stage yet but I guarantee Ru looks better than all of them.

So there they all are, and... oh crap.

Pour one out.

Hey, how are you doing so far?

"Yeah good thanks."

Realising they are dangerously close to losing their millennial audience due to this extended parade of people who were famous five years ago, the producers quickly scan the audience for Miley Cyrus but can't find her, so instead cut to Bianca Del Rio, who sadly got her dates confused and thought she was going to a fancy dress party at Michelle Visage's house with the theme "Come as your favourite 1980s cult film character".

She is the lovechild of Frank N Furter and Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science, obviously.

I think you'll find this checks out.

PS: Drink.

"Wait, wait, someone's missing! Raja, can I borrow your phone?" says RuPaul, as everyone immediately gets a strong sense of foreboding that a comedy bit is coming.

"How soon can you get here?"RuPaul acts into the phone, as the audience waits on the edge of their seats for the hilarious punchline that is no doubt on the way.

The girl on the left is all of us.

Oh man, this is going to be good! This is going to be so funny! WHO WILL IT BE? I can't wait!

Oh here it is, it's... it's...

Oh. It's the clown from that thing they did in episode one. Good one.

Luckily everyone is drunk, so they all roar with laughter at this totally unfunny gag.

Speaking of which - bottoms up. Make it a pina colada.

"I just wanna say, I LOVE YOUR MAKE UP!"Bianca shrieks at the clown.

"Ha ha ha."

"Hey, enough clowning around!" guffaws RuPaul.

The audience is loving this banter.

With the crowd sufficiently in stitches, it's time for the Parade of the Damned, aka the Walk of Shame, aka All the Eliminated Queens We No Longer Care About Reminding Us They Still Exist Parade, which starts with Dax Exclamation Point aka Mark who has come as the lovechild of comic book superheroes Storm and Thor:

After this thing was born, the X Men were barred from having any more X rated orgies.

Next up is Laila McQueen who looks as excited as someone who's gone to replace the toilet roll and discovered they're out of paper, but it's good to see she's been keeping an eye on her figure:

Literally. BOOM.

Then there's Cynthia Lee Fontaine, who has just been appointed official ambassador of the National Colon Health Association and so tonight is dressed as a medical diagram of a rectum with haemmorhoids:

+1 for raising awareness of this serious medical condition.

Then, just in case anyone misses the subtle visual metaphor:

"The National Colon Heath Association: You've got to love your bum."

Also: "cu cu". Drink.

"The beauty has arrived - give it up for Naysha Lopez!" announces Michelle Visage.

Sure, when is it getting here?

"She's BITCH perfect! Get ready to trip with Acid Betty!" says Michelle Visage.

Which means you have to drink.

Derrick Barry, take note: THIS is how you wear a shower curtain.

Meanwhile, judge Carson Kressley's last minute call in sick is looking slightly sketchy:

"Who me? No, I'm not Carson Kressley, I'm... Karson Cressley!

...dammit."

Moving on to Robbie Turner who after nine weeks of watching herself get trampled on international TV, has seized the opportunity to remind everyone just how boring she is:

An orange dress. That's... nice.

Next is Thorgy Thor, who got her iCalendar mixed up and thought she was going to a "come as your favourite obscure 90s pop culture reference" fancy dress party at Mathu Andersen's house, and has come as the opera singer from The Fifth Element in costume as Clifford from the Muppets:

Nailed it.

OH MY GOD LOOK IT'S COURTNEY ACT!

Oh no wait, it's just Derrick Barry.

Cool.

Thanks to Drag Race beating it out of her every episode Derrick, who is a professional Britney Spears impersonator, looks less like Britney Spears than ever before.

Although to be fair, not even Britney looks like Britney anymore, so...

Moving on to Chi Chi De Vayne:

She's also going to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Drag Race queens who were robbed".

Gee I'm starting to get thirsty, can Cynthia show her cu-cu again or something...

Oh good, here's Alaska. Take a drink.

Alaska is also off to a fancy dress party, with the theme of "ugliest fucking dress in the universe".

And finally we reach our top three with Bob, who walks onto the catwalk purse first BECAUSE THAT JOKE WILL NEVER GET OLD HA HA HA.

You know what to do.

And Kim Chi, who looks like an alien that came to earth and tried to fit in with society but whose only knowledge of human culture was gleaned from reading a "Fashions of 18th Century France" textbook it found in the spare room of its spaceship:

It's a very specific look.

And finally Naomi Smalls, who has decided to make a public statement against the "Disneyfication" of Star Wars by coming dressed as Princess Leia emerging from a garbage bag:

So many layers of meaning. And lipstick.

"Ladies and gentlemen - RUPAUL!" shouts Michelle Visage, as a glowing orb of light floats in from the back of the stage to thunderous applause.

Actual episode footage.

Oh also, drink.

Because COME ON.

"Blah blah blah THE JUDGES!" declares RuPaul.

Inner monologues, L-R: "I'm famous, weee!"

"Shit, I think my fifth layer of Spanx just split."

"IT'S KICKING IN!"

RuPaul explains that she hasn't picked a winner yet, and that the final three queens are still going to have to lip sync for their lives and yada yada yada.

Meanwhile, now we know where in the world Carmen Sandiego was all this time:

At Burger King.

Moving on to the musical portion of the evening, where the top three queens come out and sing whatever piece of crap song Lucian Piane had rejected for RuPaul's last album.

"Purse first...

Sigh.

"...give it up for Bob the Drag Queen!" shouts RuPaul, as Bob struts through the audience looking like Missy Elliot on a meth binge.

"But Bob, we haven't finished building the stage yet, it's not safe!"

"OUTTA MY WAY, PEASANT."

Bob's song is called "I Don't Like to Show Off", which is funny because, like, SHE TOTALLY DOES! Ha ha! Purse first!

But you know what: it's a banger. The song is catchy, the choreography is great, and Bob just overall kills it.

Which explains why the finale looks like a crime scene.

"I TOLD HER IT WASN'T SAFE!" weeps the sexy construction worker.

But no matter, the crowd has gone wild for Bob, especially this dude:

Even the woman rabidly cheering to his right is like "Woah dude, calm down."

(Also - purse first, so probably drink.)

"Judges, what did you think?" asks RuPaul.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE."

"You CAN be more popular than Michelle, just THINK it and BE it, Ross... "

"This is my judging face! I've been practising it all week!"

"Now Bob, when did you first become aware of drag?" asks RuPaul

"I used to watch To Wong Foo," says Bob, and everyone squeals as if it's a classic film and not just a shitty rip off of Priscilla Queen of the Desert with a terrible title.

Meanwhile, all the Aussies in the room like...

"Now Bob, you blew everyone," says RuPaul, which goes a long way to explaining how Bob made it to the final three until she finishes the sentence with "...away with your Snatch Game impersonations."

Oh. Right, yes. Of course. They WERE good.

So good in fact that Carol Channing herself has popped out of her cryogenic chamber long enough to send Bob a special video message.

"Stop doing my schtick or I'll sue," says Carol.

Awwww.

I'm glad they labelled her, or I would never have been able to tell who was who.

"RuPaul, I have watched all 109 episodes of Drag Race and I noticed you have never walked into the room..."

(wait for it)

"....

"....

(wait for it)

"....

"....

"...PURSE FIRST."

Fuck.

Do you have to?

Yes, you do.

"It's perfect, I love it! PURSE FIRST!" says RuPaul.

Dear god, make it stop.

YES, YOU HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. IT'S THE LAW.

"Hmm, better open another one, there's still 45 minutes of this shit to go."

Next to the stage is our second finalist Kim Chi with her brand new song "Fat, Fem and Asian".

Wait, fat?

You're going to want to go ahead and cancel your plans for tomorrow morning.

As we know from having been repeatedly told over the last nine episodes, Kim Chi can't dance without causing an international incident, so the producers have solved the problem by dressing her in a circus tent and forcing her to shuffle slowly in one direction only while waving her hands about.

It is as spectacular as it sounds.

Desperate to keep their viewers awake, the producers throw a challenge to the audience to see if anyone can produce a more ridiculous reaction than the "purse first guy" from before:

This person wins.

"Wow Kim Chi I love that song - it's got a good beat and you CAN'T dance to it," jokes RuPaul.

These guys are now first place in the audience over reaction competition.

"Let's hear from the judges!" says RuPaul, who is so bored she's started doing sudoku on the side of stage.

"Seriously you guys, I think my Spanx are strangling me. I can't breathe."

"LOOK AT MY ACCESSORIES! No seriously, look at them, I'm getting paid to wear this crap."

"You guys like me, right?"

RuPaul asks where Kim Chi gets her inspiration from for her looks.

"Every day life and nature," says Kim Chi.

And Nintendo.

Then Kim Chi admits she still hasn't told her mother about her drag career. Somehow, Kim's mother has managed to avoid nine whole weeks of a internationally televised drag competition starring her son.

Kim Chi's mum.

Meanwhile, note to Kim Chi: SHE TOTALLY KNOWS, DUDE.

Then Kim Chi points out her friends supporting her in the audience: Ryan, Diana, Amy and Trixie.

Yep, just her mate Trixie.

Just her old pal Trixie from back home, nobody special at all.

There has never been a shadier on-screen caption than this.

Then two of the Pit Crew grab the microphone to ask Kim Chi a fan question from Facebook and thank god because this is honestly the most interesting thing that's happened so far:

They know how to work a mic.

"If you could lose your virginity to a member of the Pit Crew, who would it be?" asks the hot one. Who is standing next to the hot one.

"Well, I'm not trying to catch anything, so I'm going to say none of them," says Kim Chi.

Well this guy is clearly back in first place now.

Meanwhile:

Enjoy your continued virginity, Kim Chi.

Then this happens...

About which the least said the better, I think.

...and we move on to Naomi Smalls with her musical performance of "Legs", a song about the benefits of being ambulant.

It's a really great song, it goes "Legs! Legs! Legs! Legs!"

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"What a rip off."

The song is pretty good, even though it includes the lyric "I'm legendary - all leg, no dairy" which, let's just admit it now, HAS NEVER MADE SENSE.

Sorry mate, it's true.

"Over to the judges," says RuPaul.

"OK, that's two, count 'em , TWO sets of Spanx that have now split. Can I get some reinforcements please?"

"I AM JUDGING! I AM POINTING!"

"I can point too! Love me!"

RuPaul tries to interview Naomi about her life and journey on the show, but Naomi's lips are so big all that comes out is "mmmnhnh mhh hhhmmm".

Bad luck, Naomi.

It looks like she' accidentally swallowed a couch.

Fortunately they're able to fill the two minutes of dead air with a special video message from one of Naomi's biggest celebrity fans - actress Lena Headey from Game of Thrones!

You can tell Naomi is a HUGE Game of Thrones fan and knows EXACTLY who she is.

"Oh wow! I love... games!"

RuPaul asks her a few more questions and we meet her family and yada yada yada.

It's all a bit boring so, sensing she might not be able to beat Bob at the final hurdle, Naomi makes a last ditch effort to win the night's Audience Overreation Prize instead:

Solid effort, but that bloke from before is going to be hard to beat.

Right, enough of our top three, it's time for the part we've all been waiting for: the Awkward Conversations With Eliminated Queens Segment!

RuPaul reaches into her handbag and pulls out her Little Big Book of Bad Conversation Starters, turns to chapter three and reads: "Mark, I hear the song 'I Will Survive' has been haunting you since your elimination?"

"Yes, literally everywhere I go, it could be a gas station, grocery store, anywhere, it just happens to come on," says Mark.

Cool story bro.

"If I were you I'd record a new song, call it 'I DIDN'T Survive!" jokes RuPaul.

Well, this is going superbly.

"Seriously though, there are no losers on Drag Race," says RuPaul.

Well, ALMOST no losers.

"Laila, did you ever imagine you'd be here on this stage?" asks RuPaul.

"Oh absolutely not. I was performing in function halls and Mexican restaurants," she says.

"And now I'm performing in slightly bigger function halls and Italian restaurants! It's a dream come true!"

Then Cynthia reveals she is recovering from liver cancer, making everyone else's inconsequential stories seem even more so.

"Oh that's too bad that you have to hear Gloria Gaynor everywhere you go, I'VE GOT CANCER."

"Cynthia Lee Fontaine, we are coo-coo for your cu-cu," says RuPaul.

What better way to celebrate recovery from liver cancer, eh?

Next on stage are Naysha Lopez and Acid Betty, with an important health message for the kids:

PSA.

"Having been on the show, what are the fans like?"RuPaul asks Acid Betty, ignoring Naysha because. Well.

"I love the fans, the fans are the BEST," says Acid Betty, as the camera cuts to the rest of the queens on stage.

At least three people in this front row have no idea what she's talking about.

Acid Betty gets a special video message from Nancy Grace, everyone pretends to be thrilled, yada yada yada.

BREAKING NEWS: Alyssa Edwards has just snatched first place in the Audience Overreaction Olympics:

She'll be hard to beat.

Next on stage is Robbie Turner, Thorgy Thor and Derrick Barry, who together look like Rita Hayworth and Britney Spears starring in a Dimetapp commercial, with Thorgy playing the role of the "phlegmy cough".

"Just keep smiling and no one will realise how boring this is."

Robbie talks about old films, everyone tries to stay awake, and then Thorgy plays the violin for some reason.

Robbie: "I wonder what it's like to have a talent."

Derrick: "Who needs talent?"

"Now, you struggled to get out of the Britney box,"RuPaul tells Derrick, which are coincidentally the first words Britney's son Jayden heard after he was born.

"I wanted to come on the show to expand what I already do and take it to the next level, and I think I did that," says Derrick.

Bob got a video message from Carol Channing, Kim Chi got a video message from Margaret Cho, Naomi got a video message from Lena Headey, Acid Betty got a video message from Nancy Grace, so it's only fitting that the world's foremost Britney Spears impersonator Derrick Barry gets a video message from...

No one. Bad luck, Derrick.

BREAKING: Roxxy Andrews has really stepped up her look!

Good for you, girl!

BREAKING: Have you lost your key ring?

This guy might have it.

Moving on to Chi Chi De Vayne, looking like Divine in an all-drag remake of The Matrix.

"Will you use the red lipstick, or the blue lipstick?"

"The Dreamgirls lip sync you did was legendary, and I'm not the only one who thought so," says RuPaul, throwing to a special video message for Chi Chi from singer Jennifer Holliday, one of the original cast of Dreamgirls the musical.

Meanwhile backstage:

"That's OK I don't mind Britney is very busy she's a very busy star with a career and a family I'm sure she was just really busy..."

And finally, after what feels like at least 17 years, it's time to announce the winner of...

...the Miss Congeniality award.

Yes, I know, we all feel the same.

Out comes last year's winner Katya looking like your weird auntie's spare room, except with more junk.

PS: Drink.

In honour of the show's new sponsorship arrangement with the National Science Education Trust of America, Katya and Ru stand side by side to do a live demonstration of the Ames Illusion:

"If you ever do this to me again I will cut your legs off."

In a surprise akin to opening a packet of chips and finding chips inside, Cynthia Lee Fontaine wins Miss Congeniality and promises to continue "showing her cu-cu to the world".

If this isn't you right now you've been doing it wrong.

Meanwhile, is that Milk? And Max?

PLEASE TELL ME THEY'RE DATING OH PLEASE.

#TeamMaxMilk4Lyfe

Now that everyone is either passed out from alcohol, boredom or both, it's finally time to announce the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race season 8...

...right after a parade of previous winners.

I KNOW.

This parade is entirely boring save for the following highlights:

* Tyra Sanchez looking less like she's attending a glitzy finale taping, and more like she's modelling the latest in business-casual for JC Penney:

Well, the prize was only $25,000 in her day.

* Raja looking more like Madonna than Madonna has in about 30 years:

"COME ON, VOGUE!" - Laganja Estranga

* Sharon Needles looking great as always:

PS: Drink. She clearly has.

Drink again. Make it a stiff one for that hideous dress.

* Chad Michaels doing an ill-advised tribute to Sasha Belle's look from season seven, episode two:

Not only does this outfit look like a cockroach, it refuses to die too.

* Jinkx. Drink.

* Bianca. Drink.

* Violet Chachki looking fly as fuck.

And continuing the cockroach theme, so kudos to her.

* Violet removing her hood to reveal a giant fleshy crown grafted on to her head complete with veins and...

Oh. Drink, I guess.

Right, so the interviews are done. Miss Congeniality is done. The pointless parades are over.

It's NOW time to reveal the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race season 8!

They have actually been standing there for 37 hours straight waiting for the formalities to be over. Kim Chi has started to hallucinate that Naomi is a donut.

Will it be Naomi? Doubtful.

Will it be Kim Chi? Probably not.

Will it be Bob? GEE I DUNNO.

Yes, it's Bob.

RuPaul tries to give Bob her crown, but it's grafted to Violet's head, so she has to make do with a sceptre.

"My queen, is there anything you have anything to say?" asks RuPaul.

No.

"Yes I do,"Bob says.

Don't.

"I'm going to keep it to just one thing," she continues.

Don't say it.

"Take whatever you love about yourself and..."

Please don't.

"...WALK INTO THE WORLD PURSE FIRST!"

GOD DAMMIT.

Goodnight.

Want more? Go back and read EPISODE NINE. Or wait a few days for my RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars Season Two recaps, coming soon!

Well here we are again, kids, RuPaul's Drag Race SEASON NINE - my, how time flies!

In fact it's flown so fast no one has been bothered to update the set, so after eight years we're still stuck with the "internal organs pink" flooring and the fake brick walls that flutter in the breeze every time a queen tosses her locks. So to speak.

Although there is one notable addition to the Werk Room:

Oh wow what a beautiful statue, it really captures RuPaul's beaut...

Never mind.

I sincerely hope that at the end of each episode the eliminated queens start a new tradition of adding an accessory to this hideous statue as a parting gift, so that by the end of the season it just looks like Jaidynn Diore Fierce fell over in a Cheap as Chips.

But anyway, enough of this decor banter - the first queen is arriving!

And it's a hearty Bland Canyon welcome to Peppermint from New York, who is just dropping in on the way to her audition for the role of Morpheus in the upcoming drag remake of The Matrix - The Gaytrix:

She took the red pill AND the blue pill and they're both just starting to kick in.

"Oh my goddddd... heyyyyy!" she says to the empty room, which as far as first lines go isn't quite up there with "MOTHER HAS ARRIVED" but isn't as bad as "Who's ready for some hot tuna casserole?", so, you know. Well done Peppermint, I guess.

Next into the room is Valentina.

We know this, because she says "Hello. It's me. Valentina."

Well it's still a better opener than "oh my god hey".

Valentina is 25, very pretty, and from California.

She also may or may not be:

a) a cartoon jewel thief,

b) a 1960s era Bond villain,

c) a mime,

d) a sentient pair of eyebrows attached to a hat.

Or perhaps she is all of those things; an enigma, wrapped in a riddle.

"Come on, give it up for the big girl!" yells Eureka, 25 from Tennessee.

Christ, Adele has really let herself go...

Eureka describes herself as "country as a biscuit" but neglects to say what type, so I'm going to go ahead and guess it's one with raisins in that no one likes.

Next up is Charlie Hides, who hails from "Boston and London", so prepare yourself for the least specific transatlantic accent since Max haunted us all on season 7.

At 52 Charlie is the oldest queen to ever appear on Drag Race (other than Michelle Visage, of course, who is approximately 7,700) and describes herself as "rude, crude and socially unacceptable".

Shoulda gone to Specsavers.

She is also apparently a "famous celebrity impersonator" which is great because I've always wanted to see what Lady Gaga would look like in her 50s.

Oh, right.

Next into the Werk Room is our first witty pun for the season, Farrah Moan, who looks a bit like Courtney Act got caught up in a necklace:

Chicken Wire Barbie - new from Mattel!

Moving on to the first proper weirdo, and therefore the first Bland Canyon Official Fav (BCOF) of the season - Sasha Velour, who saunters in looking like the evil queen from Snow White via Studio 54, and commences screaming at her hands like a confused junkie:

The pain you feel when you think you're holding a footlong sub and then realise you aren't.

Sasha is 29 and from Brooklyn, and describes herself as "a visual artist" which is a bit wanky but she is giving me such severe Dallas Dellaforce vibes (click that link, you'll be glad you did) I love her completely and she can do no wrong.

The others are not quite as convinced.

Next through the door is 32-year-old New York queen Alexis Michelle, who looks a bit like what you'd get if Raven and Laila McQueen had a daughter and kicked her into a pile of glitter:

Don't forget: it's important to conduct monthly breast checks to make sure they're still not real.

Alexis describes herself as "New York's premiere Broadway queen".

Hands up who thinks Alexis gave herself that title and no one else has ever used it?

Just checking.

Meanwhile, did I mention Alexis looks like Raven?

COME ON, LOOKALIKE!

Suddenly, a pile of accessories walks in the door and starts rhyming:

This art piece is entitled "Bootsy Collins emerging from the rear end of a fraggle".

"My name is Shea Coulee and I didn't come to play I came to slay," says the pile, and everyone is very impressed at its command of English.

Shea is 27, from Chicago, and doesn't know not to wear stockings with open toed shoes.

GIRL, NO.

She also describes her drag shows as a "real production" because they involve costumes, make up and dance moves.

My thoughts exactly.

Next up is 31-year-old Trinity Taylor from Florida, a self-confessed plastic surgery addict who describes herself as "the look and feel of real".

Real what, though?

Trinity looks a bit like what Kath from Kath and Kim would look like if she took a lot of ecstasy and decided to go to a sex club on another planet, which is to say - a bit weird.

"I don't like to use the words 'pageant queen', because there's such astigmatism with pageant queens," says Trinity.

"What a coincidence, I've got astigmatism too!"

Meanwhile over in the corner Eureka is doing Face Crack of the Century version 2.0 because apparently Trinity beat her in some pageant once and so therefore: DEEP. SEATED. SEASON. LONG. RIVALRY.

She's salty, to match her crunchy wig line.

Moving right along to Kimora Blac, another queen from Las Vegas and another queen who looks like the spawn of Raven - this time with Gia Gunn.

She is holding up this pelt as a warning to any other muppets who dare to cross her path.

Kimora, as her Las Vegas sister Farrah Moan tells us, is "famous for her ass", and her boobs, and basically serving herself up to all comers like an all-you-can-eat casino breakfast buffet.

"I love anything see-through," says Kimora.

"How about my personality?"

Suddenly there's a shriek from the doorway and everyone turns around to see...

Alaska's back!

No wait, it's actually just a poorly made puppet with a gloved hand up its backside, which can only mean one thing: COMEDY IS AFOOT.

Oh good grief.

Jaymes Mansfield is 26 and from Milwaukee and describes herself as "a kooky comedy queen who builds puppets", so if that doesn't fill you with foreboding I don't know what will.

She also says she has "more up my sleeves than anyone knows" which, as she's not wearing any sleeves, doesn't fill me with confidence for her talents.

Jaymes immediately sets about demonstrating why she will be the first queen to be eliminated by telling top class jokes via her puppet, such as "These are my summer diamonds - summer diamonds and summer not!" and "Hi I'm Jaymes Mansfield, I'm going to win RuPaul's Drag Race!".

My feelings precisely.

BUT FORGET JAYMES AND HER PUPPET BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

They tried to tell us about the pornification of Disney, and we just didn't listen.

"I'm Nina Bonina Brown and I am back in town to shut it down," says the hallucinogenic mouse.

Meanwhile, in the corner:

"Shit, that rodent can rhyme better than me."

Nina Bonina is from Georgia, looks like one of Madonna's dancers from the Blond Ambition tour, is definitely the next BCOF, and will probably win this whole damn thing.

THERE, I'VE SAID IT. NINA BONINA BROWN IS THE WINNER OF DRAG RACE SEASON NINE. EAT THAT.

Moving on like we care anymore to Brooklyn queen Aja, who impresses everyone right off the bat by doing a bang-on impression of season seven's Pearl emerging from the trash after a hard night on the grog.

Once she separates herself into the recycling she'll be fine.

"Aja is the number one name in Brooklyn that people are talking about right now," gushes Sasha Velour, carefully neglecting to mention exactly WHY she's being talked about.

I can hazard a guess.

Aja is redefining "beat".

"Aja's make up is very rough around the edges," says Trinity.

"Does she KNOW what she looks like? Because if not, I need to tell her."

Please, producers, remember this.

And finally in walks our last queen, some Lady Gaga impersonator from Newark with big sleeves and an even bigger attitude:

Her diamante headband slipped down over her eyes just as she walked in and she just had to go with it.

"I'm New Jersey's number one Lady Gaga impersonator," brags 30-year-old Ronnie, who has nailed the look so perfectly she's unwittingly put to rest one of the biggest Gaga rumours - namely, that she has balls.

THAT is a meaty tuck.

But I can't help thinking there's something strange about Ronnie.

Something's not quite right.

Yep, that's Ronnie.

That's old Ronnie, alright.

Good old Ronnie.

WAIT, WHAT?

Yes, surprise surprise, it's not Ronnie the unconvincing drag queen from New Jersey but Lady Gaga, the unconvincing drag queen from New York.

Of course, all the queens react to this news calmly and sensibly.

OH MY GOD IT'S THAT POP STAR WHO SHAMELESSLY CASHED IN ON GAY CULTURE WOOOO!

(By the way, before any of you kids start yabbering on at me about how much Lady Gaga has done for the community etc. etc. please know that I don't care because I think she's a big fat phony and her "Marry the Night" video was shit.)

"GAGA YOU DON'T EVEN REALISE HOW MUCH YOU INSPIRE PEOPLE LIKE ME YOU ARE SO AMAZING I THINK YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE YOU ALLOW US TO BE WHO WE ARE AS ARTISTS," vomits Eureka.

Meanwhile, backstage.

"I have always admired the craftsmanship that goes into what you all do," breathes Gaga.

"Well, into what SOME of you do, anyway..."

Suddenly there's a loud BOOM that sends shockwaves through the Werk Room and causes the walls to shake (more than usual).

All the queens drop to the floor and dash under the table - none faster than London queen Charlie Hides, who instantly remembers her training from the Blitz - while Kimora offers everyone additional shelter under her giant ass.

Just as Lady Gaga is about to open her mouth to say something empowering to the gay community, the door at the top of the stairs swings open and...

HEEEEEERE'S RUPAUL!

"Oh, my Gaga!" gushes RuPaul while simultaneously filling out the Golden Globes application form for "Least Convincing Display of Admiration on a Reality Show" award.

"I'm only doing this because millennials watch this shit now."

"This season is going to be stuffed with more stars, more stunts and more shenanigans than ever before," declares RuPaul.

"And for the first time in Drag Race herstory - NO ONE IS GOING HOME."

Bitch got reeeeeeal lucky.

Wait, no one is going home?

What, ever?

Pardon?

What does this mean? Is season nine actually some sort of Huger Games style scenario where all the queens have to attack each other with stilettoes until there's only one left standing? Will it just continue on forever until everybody dies, and then the true winner is revealed to be old age?

We may never know, as this statement is never explained and RuPaul simply barges on with explaining the day's challenge - competing in the "Miss Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent" pageant.

Oh yeah, I think I've seen a C.U.N.T Pageant before.

RuPaul explains the two pageant categories: the first is a "frock inspired by your home city".

Or planet.

The second is a look inspired by Lady Gaga, who is still hanging around for some reason.

Oh my god, I hope someone does this one:

Oh wait...

They already did.

Everybody immediately rushes off and starts preparing for the first runway - well, everyone except Farrah Moan, who spends the first five minutes trying to work out where to put her suitcases.

"I call her 'Blonde Benet Glamsey', because she whines like a six year old," says Shea Coulee, who has apparently never watched the end of the "Jonbenet Ramsey: E True Story" documentary.

The face you make when you try to work out how a dead six year old whines.

"So Charlie, have you ever played Lady Gaga before?"Peppermint asks.

Well duh, Peppermint. Charlie Hides is one of the world's premiere celebrity drag impersonators, she's done Lady Gaga dozens of times! Here, look:

Hmm. Well it's good to see Sharon Needles looking so healthy anyway.

"Charlie has a very 'on the edge' sense of humour, it's quite an acquired taste," says Peppermint.

Yes, dear, it's called "British".

Meanwhile Aja is making heaps of new friends by showing off her Gaga outfit, which is literally a Gaga outfit that she stole off some New York designer friend:

It would be slightly more impressive if she wasn't wearing it backwards, however.

"I was like can I go through your archives and like have stuff and he was like yeah take whatever you want,"Aja blahs, twirling all over the Werk Room in her hideous dress.

All the other queens are really impressed.

Kimora couldn't be more in awe.

While Aja is literally putting on a dress and calling herself Lady Gaga, Nina Bonina Brown is in the other corner turning herself from a mouse into a piece of fruit by glueing a cardboard cut-out of a peach to her head.

"I haven't seen many girls who can grab some paper and glue and create a new face," she says.

Or in some cases, even with makeup.

Meanwhile, Eureka is making sure the Deep Seated Season Long Rivalry With Trinity plotline continues until at least the end of the episode by declaring "The only thing I want from this challenge is to beat Trinity".

And hey, if this pageant doesn't work out, she can always try for the one back in Whoville.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music...

...and we're on the runway and ready for our first pageant, and in comes our fabulous host RuPaul who... hang on, WTF?

Jesus, budget cuts have been savage this season.

Yes, the world's most famous drag queen has refused to wear drag in the first episode of her TV drag competition.

Well to be fair, so has Jaymes.

Anyway let's get on with it... IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In an effort to appeal more to the show's growing millennial audience, Michelle Visage has come dressed as a cross between the "cry laugh" and the "dancing woman" emojis:

Can't wait to see her do the "smiling poo" in episode two.

* And because her Uber hasn't shown up yet, Lady Gaga is still there.

Well at least SOMEONE has come in drag tonight.

* First down the runway is Peppermint, repping her home city of New York in a really innovative and unique way:

Never would have picked it.

* Next is Valentina, who is from East LA where apparently bullfighting is a popular pastime:

Valentina gives bulls the horn.

* Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Seen it."

* Then there's Eureka, doing her home town of Johnson City, Tennessee proud with a moving tribute to its twin pastimes of smoking and surprise pregnancies:

Next week on "Nashville"...

* Moving along to Charlie Hides of Boston, who lives up to her name by literally hiding inside a pilgrim costume:

This went on for at least another three minutes.

* Then there's Farrah Moan of Las Vegas, looking like one of those "Dolls of the World" you find at the $2 shop for some eastern European country you've never heard of:

"Meet Katerina from Turkrainistan, she has real hair and can sing the Internationale."

* Next is Sasha Velour, who has decided to pay tribute to New York's "queer modern art" by showing everyone her Warhol:

Note to Gaga: this is how you tuck.

* Then there's Alexis Michelle, representing New York in a really innovative and unique way - with a picture of the Statue of Liberty:

That moment when last night's bean tacos come back to haunt you.

* As a tribute to civil rights and activist movements coming out of New York, Alexis has written several political slogans on her bodysuit, like "Black Lives Matter" and "Fair Rent" and...

Well, she said it...

* From tacos to hot dogs, it's Shea Coulee, who has rocketed into BCOF status by showing off her wiener and buns as a giant Chicago hot dog:

You're not supposed to let your wiener show in drag, but I'll make an exception for this.

* Next down the catwalk is Trinity Taylor of Orlando, who uses her 10 seconds of screen time to promote a cause she is passionate about: colon health.

This outfit brought to you by Rectum Awareness Month.

* Next down the line is Kimora Blac, looking less "Las Vegas showgirl" and more "Las Vegas highway roadkill":

If Kimora ever needs to go to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Latoya Jackson escaping from an explosion at a Goodwill store", this is the outfit.

* "All the girls in Vegas know me as the youngest, hottest, skinniest queen,"Kimora says.

TFW when you thought YOU were known as Vegas' youngest, hottest, skinniest queen...

* Moving right along to...

NEXT.

* Oh look, here's Aja, representing New York in a really innovative and unique way:

"My name's Aja and I'm from..."

"WE KNOW."

* And finally it's Nina Bonina Banana Fo Fanna Osama Bin Laden Brown of Atlanta, Georgia, and just... I mean... COME ON, IT'S LITERALLY PAPER AND GLUE.

A peachy keen peachy queen.

* Now it's time for the Lady Gaga runway, so prepare yourself for lots of faux humility and beatific looks from the Gagster as everyone pretends she's some sort of icon.

* First up it's Peppermint, doing Gaga doing Bowie at the 2016 Grammys, and amazingly managing to be nothing like either:

TFW you haven't glued your wig down and the wind picks up.

* Gaga, what did you think?

"Is that heartburn? Has anyone got any Buscopan?"

* Moving on to Valentina, who looks hot as hell in some other look that Lady Gaga wore once. I dunno, I mean apart from the meat dress, who remembers Gaga's outfits? It's not like she's MADONNA.

Actually didn't Madonna wear something like this once?
(Also: anyone getting a Tatianna vibe from this one?)

* Then there's Eureka, who accidentally misheard "come as your favourite Lady Gaga look" as "come as the spouse of your favourite fast food mascot" and has turned up dressed as the Hamburglar's wife:

Eureka is also available on Airtasker for odd welding jobs.

* What do you think, Gaga?

"Seriously, when is my fucking Uber getting here?"

* Next is Charlie Hides, who after 23 and a half minutes has finally extricated herself from her pilgrim costume long enough to put on a folded bedsheet and some doilies:

Mesmerising.

* Gaga?

"I mean, should I just call a regular cab?"

* Moving right along to Farrah Moan, who has misheard "Lady Gaga realness" as "white supremacist realness" and has shown up looking like a KKK Grand Wizard:

Also well done Farrah for being the first queen of the season to repurpose a shower curtain!

* Thoughts, Gaga?

"Yep, that's definitely heartburn. God dammed pastrami."

* Next down the runway is Sasha Velour, who has obviously tripped over all the names Lady Gaga has dropped over the last 10 minutes as her makeup is all smudged:

Serving 1960s jewel thief and part time kids' facepainter realness

* Alexis Michelle gets five million bonus points not only for looking absolutely breathtaking...

Gorge.

...but for winning the Guinness World Record for holding a couch up one's butt:

It was a three seater.

* Moving on to Shea Coulee, who looks rather like Grace Jones got caught in an unfortunate toilet paper accident.

"My look is powerful, yet gentle," she says.

"And also strong, soft and absorbent."

* Then there's Trinity, who has chosen as her inspiration the time Lady Gaga took too much MDMA and rubbed lipstick all over her neck:

The trend never really took off.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Hey, redneck is MY thing!"

* Here's Kimora Blac, wearing "what Lady Gaga would wear to the airport":

When someone gives you a hamburger but you haven't eaten since 1994 so you don't know what to do with it.

* And here's Jaymes Mansfield, apparently dressed as Lady Gaga's famous Vogue cover:

The only way this mess would make the cover of Vogue is if Jaymes threw a copy on the floor and literally fell onto it.

* Oh hey, Nina Bonina!

This is how you go from mouse to peach to Lady Gaga - just wrap that face in lace, honey.

* And finally it's Aja, who is wearing what appears to be a mattress cut into the shape of a dress.

This is exactly how I feel about it too.

* Gaga?

"Fuck it I'm catching the bus."

* Gaga criticises Peppermint for wearing hoop earrings when she was supposed to look like Gaga. Looking like Bowie. Pretty sure Bowie didn't wear crunchy duct tape along the top of his forehead either but sure, hoop earrings, whatever.

* La Visage criticises Sasha Velour for carrying too many accessories.

OK Michelle.

* Gaga criticises Shea Coulee for her attention to detail after it is revealed her white dress was made out of cloth, and not of animatronic origami as Gaga's original was. Try harder next time, Shea.

* "I thought Kimora's first look was not indicative of Vegas, it was very cheap looking," says La Visage, who may never have actually been to Vegas.

* "I thought I was getting a comedy queen, and I was left with drag blue balls," says Ross Mathews of Jaymes Mansfield, which is both a way of letting us know that Jaymes isn't funny, and also that Ross actually has balls.

* Carson suggests Jaymes would have been funnier if she'd come out "covered in cheese or wearing an udder for a wig", which says all you need to know about how funny she was to begin with.

* Describing Eureka, Gaga says: "I was laughing and entertained, and that's part of this," which is a nice reminder because this episode has been so bloody boring I'd actually forgotten entertainment was supposed to be a part of it at all.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, given the way the main portion of the show is going, is probably no longer even a lounge but just a fenced off area of the carpark with some upturned milk crates and a few packets of Funyuns.

RuPaul announces that Nina Bonina Brown is the winner of the C.U.N.T Pageant, the prizes for which include a gently used bottle of Febreeze, a half-eaten blueberry muffin that Michelle Visage threw away after discovering it contained gluten, and an overnight stay in a smoking room at the Tuscaloosa Comfort Inn.

No one is eliminated, because WHAT EVEN IS THIS SHOW ANYMORE, and everybody applauds as Nina takes to the runway for her victory lap.

"Finally, I get to go home."

"Oh wait a minute, wait a minute!" shouts RuPaul.

"Oh for fu..."

"The real competition is just about to begin," declares RuPaul, as everyone does their best "surprised face" behind him.

"I'm introducing..."

Yes?

What?

GOD DAMMIT WHAT IS IT?

"...a fourteenth queen into the race!" says RuPaul triumphantly.

That just about sums that up.

Who is the mysterious fourteenth queen?

Will RuPaul ever get into drag again?

Do we care?

The answers to all these questions and more (probably) in EPISODE TWO. Go on and click it!

Or you can go read my SEASON EIGHT RECAPS - start right here with EPISODE ONE.

When we last saw our queensRuPaul had just dropped the utterly unimpressive bombshell that she was introducing a fourteenth competitor to the race (like, we just met 13 of them, what does one more matter - introduce five more if you like) - leaving us only with a mysterious silhouette to puzzle over for a week.

This isn't the first time Drag Race's core audience has been obsessed with a little head.

Now it's time for that fourteenth queen to be revealed - but who will it be?

Could it be fan favourite Katya from season seven?

Leggy supermodel Naomi Smalls from season eight?

OH CHRIST NO.

Whoever it is, I'm just hoping it isn't someone with an annoying catchphrase.

"HOW YOU DOIN' MIS AMORES, ARE YOU READY TO SEE MY CUCU AGAIN?"

Oh great.

For those new to the Drag Race family, Cynthia Lee Fontaine is 35, from Austin, Texas and was crowned Miss Congeniality of season eight.

She is also physically incapable of getting through a single sentence without using the word "cucu" - her own made-up slang for "ass" - so if you feel like dying, play a drinking game where you take a shot every time she says it.

You, 20 minutes in to episode two.

With our fourteenth queen announced and everyone else suitably nonplussed, we head back to the Werk Room where Ugly Statue RuPaul is busy trying to teach a lamp how to Vogue:

Both of them are better at it than Jaymes Mansfield.

All the queens plonk themselves down around a werk table and start congratulating Cynthia on her return to the show, and on her recovery from liver cancer which isn't quite as impressive an achievement but you know, good for her.

"MY CUCU IS FANTASTIC GIRL! THIS CUCU IS READY!"

When you want to slap a ho but you have to smile because she just beat liver cancer.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where ev...

"I DIDN'T KNOW THIS CUCU WAS HAPPENING TODAY!"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SAY CUCU BEFORE I CAN LAUNCH A T SHIRT LINE?"

As all the queens rush to their workstations, Jaymes Mansfield walks slowly to the centre of the room, clears her throat and prepares to deliver the funniest joke in the world to prove once and for all that she's a comedy queen to be reckoned with.

She's been working on it all night. She knows it's going to kill. This is her big moment. She opens her arms wide, throws back her head and...

"SHE DONE ALREADY HAD HERSES!"

Oh well, I guess it'll have to wait.

"If you can't love yourself, let me. I'm your biggest fan. You're all number one. Blah blah blah sporting puns," says a producer pretending to be the voice of RuPaul, as everyone stares up at the giant piece of cardboard on the wall that they're all pretending is a flatscreen TV.

"Jaymes, shh, the cardboard is saying something!"

Suddenly an eerie high pitched wail pierces the air - everyone is concerned until they realise it's just Jaymes crying, and they all go back to staring at the cardboard.

But then the floor starts rumbling, and the ceiling begins to shake, and there's a dreadful banging at the top of the stairs as the door swings open to reveal...

Lisa Kudrow?

Yes, it's that famous gay icon Lisa Kudrow!

You know, the actress who played the least popular one on Friends, and then did... some other stuff.

Her!

Half a second after a producer said "Welcome your new celebrity guest - Madonna!" and half a second before they added "Psych, it's Lisa Kudrow."

"Lady Gaga was just here, and now - Lisa Kudrow," says Peppermint.

Insert shade sound effect here.

"I just ran into her on the lot, and she wanted to come in and say hello," says RuPaul, which sounds rather more like an excuse than an introduction.

"Honestly, she just followed me in here, I couldn't say no - she's so cute!"

RuPaul asks Lisa Kudrow to say her catchphrase, and she says "I got it!", and everyone laughs hysterically like they have the first clue what it means or where it's from, and then it's time for the first challenge.

Wow, I can't wait to see what they're going to do with this awesome celebrity guest star - maybe they'll have to re-enact a scene from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion!

Wait, is this actually a still from Drag Race...?

Or maybe they'll have to recreate an episode of Friends, with Cynthia as Monica...

When we first met Cynthia back in episode one of season eight, I described her as "Courtney Cox on a meth binge" so it's good to see this joke come full circle.

...and Trinity as Rachel...

She had such an iconic look.

...and Aja as Joey:

She's big in Japan.

Ooh this is exciting, what will it be? What will Lisa Kudrow get them to do? What will they...

Oh, OK. Well it was nice meeting you.

"When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a cheerleader," says RuPaul asLisa Kudrow quietly closes the door behind her and everyone silently agrees to pretend that last segment never happened.

"So for this week's maxi challenge you'll be competing in the biggest, baddest cheer battle in herstory - hashtag 'queer cheers'!"

Queer Cheers: An LGBT reimagining of the hit 1980s sitcom in which Norm reveals he's a crossdresser.

Nina Bo'nina and Cynthia Lee are declared "squad leaders" and pick their teams; Valentina is picked last because she's so damn handsome she makes everyone forget their own name, as well as hers.

THE BEAUTY, IT BURNS MY EYES.

RuPaul announces that Nina Bo'nina's team will be "Team Glamazon", which I suppose means they'll have to perform to whatever crap new song she has out at the moment.

Cynthia's team, on the other hand, will be cheering for "extra special guest judges the B52s!".

"Are they like, a vitamin or something?"

Over on Team Glamazon, Aja notices each lyric of their cheer features a different adjective, and cleverly suggests assigning a line per queen based on who's the best match.

"I wanna be 'sassy'," she says.

"Can I be 'flirty'?" asks Shea Coulee.

"Hmm, there isn't one here for 'unfunny', sorry Jaymes."

Recognising there's no lyric for "boring", Aja suggests the next best thing for Jaymes - "snoozy".

"I think if you did 'snoozy' it would be really funny," says Aja, who has clearly forgotten Jaymes already tried that in episode one.

And it wasn't.

"I think 'floozy' is more my role because it's all about high energy and being over the top," says Jaymes, who has gotten momentarily confused and has started listing things that she isn't.

But a lack of talent isn't the only thing standing in Jaymes' way, as a voice from the corner suddenly booms: "I WANT 'FLOOZY'."

She's Alexis Michelle, and she isn't taking any of your shit.

"Take 'snoozy' girl, it'll be hilarious," says Alexis, in the same encouraging way a murderer might urge their victim to "just take a sip" of the delicious drink they've just poured for them.

"Gee this cocktail tastes kinda funny, Alexis, are you sure it's OK..."

Fortunately for Jaymes though, at least one person there knows how to manipulate Alexis: massage her ego.

"Honestly Alexis I feel like even though 'snoozy' might be a challenge, it's a challenge you can definitely rise to,"Shea Coulee says.

"Well I did win that Emmy..."

"You're right, girl. I can do any of these - I'm an actress,"Alexis says, taking a big old bite out of the bait and swallowing it whole.

So Jaymes gets to showcase her so far totally absent high energy with "floozy" and Alexis gets to show off her superior acting skills by acting slightly tired with "snoozy". Then they start rehearsing and everyone immediately regrets their decision.

"I'm Charlie, I'm boozy!" cheers Charlie.

"I'm Alexis, I'm snoozy!" cheers Alexis.

...

...

...

...

Finally, approximately 27 years after her cue, Jaymes jumps in with: "I'm Jaymes, I'm Jewsy! Oh no, wait..."

"Why must I work with these amateurs?"

"Girl you wanted to be the floozy, you gotta sell floozy, and I'm not seeing it yet," says Alexis, who has suddenly morphed into a Broadway casting director and started bossing Jaymes around.

"Let's do it one more time, and I'm going to sing it with you so you can get it in time," she continues.

"Jaymes doesn't seem to be here, mentally," says Shea Coulee, as Alexis struts around barking orders.

"If I play dead she might leave me alone."

Realising she won't make it out alive unless Alexis gets an Oscar, Jaymes finally admits defeat.

"This is going to sound crazy, but why don't we go back to the idea you had before - you do floozy, and I'll do snoozy," she says.

"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA," shrieks Alexis, barely masking her delight.

OK, so from the top!

"I'm Charlie, I'm boozy!"

"I'm Jaymes, I'm floozy!"

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Well look, obviously learning lines isn't Jaymes' strong suit. Perhaps she'll do better in the other part of the challenge.

Or perhaps not.

Yes that's right, the queens are going to have to learn acrobatics to flip and tumble their way through this cheerleading challenge, and possibly also through the nearest emergency ward.

Naturally, they are delighted at this turn of events.

Her cucu is shaking in anticipation.

"I am so pissed," whinges Kimora.

"Who does cartwheels anymore? It's not even the '80s."

"I'm sorry Simone but we'll have to revoke your medals - we've just learned gymnastics stopped being a thing in 1989."

"We're going to teach you how to stunt, so you can do some pyramids," announces the gymnastics coach.

"I already know how to do that," says Alexis.

"Oh wait, you said 'stunt'? Sorry, misheard."

And so begins the acrobatics training, with everybody learning how to form a pyramid by grabbing a queen's legs and thrusting her towards the ceiling.

They all have a go with Valentina but unfortunately don't get close enough to actually put her through. Never mind, better luck next time.

Back at the Werk Room, Peppermint is looking for a pair of bloomers to wear under her cheerleading skirt.

"What is a bloomer?" says Kimora, screwing her face up.

"Is that like, when you're naked and your partner gets out his... oh wait, they're pants? Oh OK."

Not that Kimora has time for bloomers, she's too busy complaining about having to stone her outfit with diamantes.

"I think when you stone anything it's just an excuse to look great without really even being great. Stoning is for ugly girls," she says.

OK Kimora.

"This is why I pay someone to do this," she whinges, as she battles the chronic exhaustion that comes from glueing 10 diamantes to a piece of spandex.

"Eureka will you do this for me? I'm getting tired, I'm getting thirsty and I'm getting anxiety right now."

Hey, Kimora?

They really don't.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where everyone is dragging up except for Valentina, who is too busy praying to her Virgin of Guadalupe candle.

"I don't turn it on,"Valentina sighs, oblivious to the millions of virgins she IS turning on every week.

The last time Valentina got this close to a virgin, she was nearly arrested.

Clearly looking to inject more drama into the episode, the producers get Peppermint to tell a story about how she got beaten up once at school for having a crush on another boy.

Then Cynthia reminds everyone how she used to have liver cancer.

OK fine you win.

But enough of all this melodrama, because...

...IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* Having remembered she is the host of an international drag show, RuPaul has finally shown up in drag. Unfortunately, it's this drag, which makes her look like a toilet roll holder from 1974:

That's RuPaul on the left.

* And she's not the only one:

Pro tip: cleverly conceal the seam of your Boobs for Queens chestplate with a chunky necklace.

* Joining them on the judging panel is this wax sculpture of hit 1980s band The B52s:

It was made by the same artist who did the RuPaul statue in the Werk Room.

* First up is the cheerleading challenge, which involves all the queens running around together, tumbling and flipping and screaming at once.

Aka: a regular Tuesday night at RuPaul's house.

* It's certainly a dangerous challenge - luckily Trinity has brought her helmet:

This is literally a mixing bowl with hair glued to it.

* Sasha Velour heard "cheerleader chic" and came up with "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane goes to a 'crack house' themed sorority party":

"But you ARE in the chair, Blanche!"

* Meanwhile, Cynthia's team has lyrics that go "I'm Farrah - I'm thorny, I'm Peppermint - I'm corny, I'm Valentina - I'm also corny!" AND LITERALLY NO ONE SAYS THEY ARE HORNY. What a wasted opportunity.

* Moving on to the runway challenge, which RuPaul has this week declared "White Party Realness". It's not quite as political as the "White Supremacist Party Realness" one of the producers suggested, but it'll do.

* First up is BCOF Nina Bo'Nina Brown who may well have used up all her good looks in episode one because what the hell is this?

After mouse and peach and lace face, this boring leotard/fishnets combo is what she serves in episode two? GIRL, REALLY? COLOUR ME DISAPPOINTED.

* AND IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THE BUSTED FISHNET?

NO ONE?

* Then there's Alexis Michelle, looking like Mr Whippy's wife got invited to the Oscars:

Wait til you see her choc top.

* Moving on to Shea Coulee, looking like Barbarella got into an unfortunate accident in the duct tape aisle:

I am HERE for this look though.

* Next up is Charlie Hides, looking like the Snow Queen killed a muppet to make a new coat:

Well they can't all be mink.

* "I've made a true commitment to showing women who are strong," says Sasha Velour.

If you don't believe her, wait til you see where she puts that fist.

* And there's Aja, who decided to pay tribute to the night's earlier cheerleading theme by wearing a jockstrap over her face:

Well, that's one way of getting out of doing your lipstick.

* Next is Jaymes Mansfield, who really does look a lot like Jane Mansfield:

If you made her out of wax and stood her under a heatlamp for a few hours.

* Moving right along to Cynthia Lee Fontaine, whose dress has single-handedly tilted the earth off its axis under the weight of every diamante known to mankind:

"MY CUCU IS BLINDING YOU, YES?"

* Meanwhile, backstage, you can just hear the faint call of the rare Kimora bird: "Stooooniiiinnng is for uuuuglyyyyy girrrrlllsss"...

* Oh look, Farrah Moan has finally found her Las Vegas look from episode one:

I can't wait to see her white party look next week.

* OH MY GOD, VALENTINA.

Perfection.

* SHUT. IT. DOWN.

I'm sorry, this is too amazing. I'm done.

* BREAKING NEWS: Valentina is the new BCOF.

* Also new on my radar this week is Trinity Taylor, who looks like some sort of porn robot from space. Gold star too for serving some If You Are The One realness:

Don't we all?

* Next is Kimora "Stoning is for Ugly Girls" Blac:

Insert "Whatcha Say" soundtrack here.

* Moving along to Peppermint, who continues to surprise and delight with her unique outfit choices:

I'm sensing a pattern here. A pattern for a long coat in different silks.

* Getting into the spirit of recycling looks from last week is Eureka, who has come dressed as the torch from Aja's statue of liberty outfit:

She has guided many tired sailors home to a warm bed.

* The B52s statue says it likese Charlie's runway outfit, but they can't remember her from the cheerleading challenge, although that may have less to do with her performance and more to do with all the drugs they took in the 80s.

* La Visage says she loves Jaymes Mansfield's "saddlebag hips" which I think is supposed to be a compliment, but given she follows it up with "I think you like to consider yourself a comedy queen but I haven't found anything funny coming from you" it doesn't really matter.

* "You do this airhead schtick, and I think if you committed all the way it'd be great," Ross Mathews tells Jaymes.

It's true - that airhead schtick can even land you a role as a reality TV judge!

* Desperate to pick something out of Valentina's outfit that isn't 100 per cent perfection, Michelle Visage gets out her binoculars and zeroes in on the one centimetre of shoe showing underneath her hem.

"They're not white, they're nude," she says.

Literally no one.

* Kimora is also criticised for not being white enough. #TrumpsAmerica

* The B52s statue says Kimora's wig was a standout, but she wasn't.

So, Kimora's wig FTW then?

* "Jaymes needs more voom in his va va," says the B52s statue.

"Wait... does he even HAVE a va va?"

* "He wants to portray herself as this character, when I don't think that character is completely realised yet," says Michelle Visage, whose grasp of English is also not completely realised yet.

* Michelle says she didn't like Trinity's look becaue "we've seen a lot of this over the years".

"I thought it was very original," says the B52s statue.

Michelle's emoji impressions are getting better every week.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge, which this week is actually just the northernmost corner of Ross Matthew's dressing room cordoned off with some old boxes.

In a surprise akin to jumping into the Atlantic and finding it a bit wet, Valentina is declared the winner, and is awarded a swag of prizes including a New York Metrocard with two rides left on it, a bottle of Diet Coke that RuPaul once considered opening and a copy of The Diva Rules with the "$2 remaindered" sticker still on the front.

Now who's laughing, eh?

In an even less surprising surprise, Jaymes Mansfield is the first to be sent to the bottom two.

"On the runway you gave us bombshell floozy, but your cheerleading routine was a little snoozy," says RuPaul.

"GOD DAMMIT THAT WAS THE POINT."

Meanwhile, back in the safe zone:

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo...

She's joined by Kimora Blac, who is no stranger to being in a bottom. Sorry, the bottom.

And so it begins - the first lip sync for season nine, to what else but Love Shack?

Unfortunately no one has explained what's happening to the B52s, who assume they're there to perform:

When your friend starts singing the intro from Love Shack but then just won't stop.

* It becomes evident that, if Kimora has heard this song before, she has no idea what it's about, as she does this action for "heading down the Atlanta highway":

Is she late to get to the highway? Is she checking her pulse to see if she's still alive enough to drive? What is going on here?

Then she does a handgun action for "bang, bang, bang on the door", which suggests she thinks that part of the song is actually about a police drug raid:

"LOVE SHACK MY ASS, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!"

* Still, she's going better than Jaymes Mansfield who clearly has no idea what to do and so is just copying Kimora's every step:

"So we put our arms up, and then... oh we're falling down now? OK, what's next?"

After what feels like about three days of non stop shouting the lip sync ends, and RuPaul announces her decision: it's time for Jaymes Mansfield to sashay away.

COLOUR ME WHOLLY UNSURPRISED. (I did predict this in episode one, remember)

So, any final words, Jaymes?

"I guess it's true what they say: you snooze, you lose."

Doo, doo-doo, doobly-doo, doo....

That's it for this episode kids, now go on and READ EPISODE THREE!

And in the meantime, why not go back and READ EPISODE ONE again? Every click I get earns me at least 3/8 of a cent so it will really help me pay my mortgage.

This week's episode starts back in the Werk Room where everyone would normally be mourning over the departure of the most recent eliminee, but because it was Jaymes Mansfield everybody's already forgotten.

Also Kimora and Valentina are apparently getting married so, you know. Priorities.

What happens on Fleet Week stays on Fleet Week...

"I was honestly surprised I was on the bottom. Like, I was really surprised," says Kimora, sliding her finger into Valentina's ring.

"Compared to Jaymes, I was like - a 10 to a one."

Meanwhile, watching at home:

Don't cry Jaymes, with a bit of applied mathematics those numbers could represent anything!

If Kimora is a 10 then Valentina is some as yet undiscovered number greater than infinity that probably holds the keys to the meaning of life.

With her impossible cheekbones, giant eyes and dazzling smile, she's like a cross between Miranda Kerr and Mattel's Latina Barbie, but with actual personality.

As the winner of last week's runway, it seems she can do no wrong with the judges. What's her secret?

"I have been praying so hard to the viiirhhiindesanngwaaaadalupay," she says.

It's unclear if she's referring to the candle or just clearing her throat.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where all the queens have gathered around that one table to have the obligatory five seconds of dull chit-chat before they have to go and stand in front of the television for no reason.

Better make it worthwhile!

"So, after the gymnastics challenge, what to specked?" says Cynthia.

Well at least she didn't say "cucu".

"A knitting challenge!" says Nina Bo'nina, and everyone laughs hysterically because apparently there's another definition of "knitting" I'm unaware of.

(No but seriously, is there?)

"WOOOOOOOP! SHEDUNURRELLYDUNHATHERZ!" shrieks the RuPaul siren, which has to be the worst alarm since the Little Rooster was invented.

Incidentally, this is what it looks like when everyone's Little Rooster alarms go off at once.

"To become America's next drag superstar you have to try on a lot of glass slippers and kiss a bunch of frogs," says RuPaul in the pointless video message that wastes at least two minutes of screentime that could otherwise be devoted to character development and shade throwing each week.

"But don't be an evil queen - that role has already been taken," she continues.

"You're god damn right it has."

Just as everybody is trying to deciper RuPaul's cryptic message, the whole room starts shaking and everyone leaps under the nearest table, fearing an earthquake.

Fortunately it turns out it's just Valentina wiggling her eyebrows, so they all come out again.

With the crisis averted, Eureka grabs some butcher's paper and crayons while Kimora gets out her calculator, and everyone gathers round to work out what crazy theme could possibly bring together glass slippers, frogs, and evil queens (like, I dunno - advanced herpetology?).

After 27 sheets of paper, three pink crayons and approximately 13 hours, Farrah Moan shouts: "FAIRY TALES!"

She's really smart.

Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs bursts open and in strolls RuPaul, who is paying tribute to tonight's Disney-ish theme by dressing as... I dunno, something from the Lion King?

There were leopards in that crap, right?

"Now what do you guys think of the wax figure of me on loan from Madame Tussauds?" he asks.

Wait, THAT statue is from Madame Tussauds?

What picture were they working from, this?

"Oh it's GORGEOUS!" gasps one queen.

"I pray to her before a challenge!" cries another.

"Yeah... um... it's really nice RuPaul... it's really... beautiful..."

"Don't you love the way her eyes follow you around the room?" asks RuPaul.

"It's almost like there's a hidden camera in there, watching your every move!"

"Oh no wait, did I say camera? SNIPER, I meant sniper. My mistake!"

Wait, so - is there a hidden camera in the RuPaul statue?

And if so, exactly where is it hidden?

"Is it in her cucu?"

Sadly it seems we'll never know, because RuPaul goes on to explain the challenge and the hidden camera discussion is never explained or mentioned again.

"I know what that's like."

RuPaul explains that for this week's runway the queens will each have to dress as a fairy tale princess of their own devising, complete with their own mythology.

They'll also have to come up with a sassy animal sidekick - who they also need to play.

When everyone else is freaking out about how to do an animal costume, and you're just trying to decide between the armadillo, the piranha or the Tibetan sand fox outfits you brought with you.

Everyone runs off to start cutting and sewing and glueing, except for Alexis Michelle who has misunderstood the whole thing and is instead attempting to be a wax statue:

"Wait wait, I can do it without blinking, hang on..."

"I feel like I have the new age mindset to make this extremely avant-garde and high fashion," says Aja, who wore a jockstrap on her face last week.

"I might have this one in the bag."

This bag, as it turns out.

Not quite as confident is Farrah Moan, who is this season's token Queen Who Does Not Sew, aka "The Queen Who Will End Up Glueing Shit To A Bra And Wrapping Herself In Fabric".

That awkward moment you realise you forgot to learn how to sew before going on a giant televised sewing competition.

Over on the other side of the Werk Room, Kimora Blac is busily attaching ugly scraps of fabric to even uglier scraps of fabric to come up with her fairy tale princess look of "Tarzan's other wife".

I assume she means the one in the middle.

Kimora checks her watch to see how long it's been since she last reminded everyone of her superiority, realises she's overdue, and says: "I don't sew, I pay designers to sew for me."

Meanwhile:

I'm guessing this one was a freebie.

A few tables away, Eureka is busy glueing fake cockroaches and rats to her costume which she describes as "a gross, sewer, underground princess".

"It's very sewer rat," she says.

Meanwhile, on the next table:

"Shit."

"What are you doing, Alexis?" asks Shea Coulee.

"Well my whole Instagram branding is based on the fact that I ride the subway to my gig,"Alexis begins.

Oh really? Wow, that sounds fascinating, please tell me more...

While Alexis regales everyone with the scintillating details of her various social media feeds, Kimora starts work on the "mythology" part of the challenge brief, filling out the form the producers have handed out with details of her princess' backstory.

"What's an adje-tive?" she asks.

Three states away, Latrice is like...

"It's a word that describes something," explains Cynthia Lee Fontaine, for whom English is a second language.

"Like... what do you mean?" asks Kimora.

"You know, like 'dumb', or 'stupid', or 'dense'. Those are adjectives."

"I'm going to put 'delicious' - is that an adje-tive? Yeah, that's a super adje-tive," says Kimora, who seems to think the "c" in "adjective" is optional.

Kimora also has an optional C, but it'll cost you.

Meanwhile, overwhelmed by the stupidity surrounding her, Trinity decides the only sensible move is to end it all with a plastic bag and some duct tape:

"Screw this, I'm out."

Back over at Aja's table she's explaining to RuPaul what her princess look will be.

"Her name is DEZ-AS-TAH!" begins Aja.

"Uh huh..."

"She's a volcanic eruption..."

"...uh huh..."

"...she is inspired by my mum, who's an angry Puerto Rican woman - I have a tattoo of her on my arm..."

"...uh huh..."

"...when she'd get mad you'd see the red come up and her baby hairs would start crimpling up, it's like an eruption girl!"

"...uh huh. Please excuse me, I'm going to stand over here now."

Over at the next work station, Valentina appears to have been taken over by the ghost of Joan Crawford:

Who wore it best?

"Can I see your eyes?" asks RuPaul, presumably to detect if they have any hidden cameras in them, as there's a bit of that going around lately.

"Oh well, you see, um, the thing is," begins Valentina, so maybe she really does have hidden cameras in her eyes. (Hang on, is Valentina a fembot? This would explain a lot.)

"You see, it's my very first time shaving my brows and I'm kind of like, nervous because I don't have my Brooke Shields Blue Lagoon eyebrows," she says.

This is the only correct response to that.

"Why don't you just shave it all off?"RuPaul asks.

"Oh, because I want to leave a little bit of boy brow there, so I don't look completely crazy," says Valentina.

Oh sure. You wouldn't want to look crazy...

Moving along to Trinity Taylor, who informs Ru she's going to be "Princess Aquapussy", with her sidekick "Stanky the Starfish".

"That sounds juicy! And salty!" says Ru.

"I was going to go with a chocolate starfish," says Trinity.

"I live for chocolate starfish!" says Ru.

When this conversation first started, I really thought that giant pink phallus thing was going to be the dirtiest part of the scene. I was wrong.

Over on the other side of the Werk Room Farrah Moan is busy glueing shit to a bra, as predicted.

Well, actually, Eureka is glueing shit to a bra while Farrah watches miserably and goes "ouuuhhghhh" like a cat with measles.

"Don't be afraid of hot glue, bitch - you're a drag queen," says Eureka.

There are some exceptions to this advice.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, yada yada yada... and we're back in the Werk Room, where the queens are putting their final touches on their princess looks for the elimination runway.

Well everyone except Kimora, who has more important things to discuss.

"When you say 'cucu', it is the hole or is it the butt?" she asks Cynthia, because these are truly the most pressing issues of our times.

Cynthia embarks on a long and detailed explanation of the eytmology of "cucu" which involves her mother, and "caca" coming out of a "culo" and something called a "chancleta", and I have no idea what she's on about but it looks like this:

Oh I get it now.

Hey, no one's said anything shady for at least 10 minutes. Where's Alexis?

Oh, right.

Fortunately she clicks out of wax statue practice long enough to tell Aja she's ugly.

"Are you afraid of what America is going to think of your makeup without Facetune?" she asks her, referring to Aja's obvious Photoshopping of her Instagram photos.

"Nope, because I think I look almost the same," says Aja.

"Almost" being the key word there.

Hmm.

Unless...

Yep, that's it. We've finally worked out who on Drag Race has the astigmatism.

"I think I look the same in photos," continues Aja, as everyone looks the other way and starts whistling.

Clearly the producers are feeling duped by Aja's obvious Photoshopping as well, because they take up a good 30 seconds presenting a Powerpoint slideshow of her beautiful Instagram snaps. and then show her back in the Werk Room looking like this:

It's like Gollum got a spray tan.

Then Trinity and Cynthia recount their stories of losing friends in the Orlando Pulse nightclub tragedy, and it's truly horrible and there's nothing funny about it, not even Farrah looking like this:

Actually she's not even listening to the stories, she's just thinking about how awful her runway outfit is.

But enough of all this misery, because...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* As per her contract with the show's new sponsor BudgetFlowers4U.com, RuPaul comes dressed as this floral arrangement:

Kimora and Valentina can use her for their wedding reception later on, so it's good value.

* Fortunately La Visage has no such contractual obligations, leaving her free to dress as she likes.

Which this week is as an gothic ice skater recovering from a severe neck injury.

* Some guy called Toad of Toad Hall or something is there as a guest judge because he's famous on YouTube, but I have no idea who he is because I'm not 12.

He's come to show you his royal flush.

* The other guest judge is someone called Cheyenne Jackson, but it should be CAYENNE Jackson because he is HOT.

Well, not here he's not, but... well, just take my word for it.

* First down the runway is Cynthia Lee Fontaine, and guess what totally original and unexpected name she's given her Princess?

Gee. Never would have guessed.

* Far from being full of mystique and fantasy, Cynthia's Princess Cuculina looks exactly like what she is: a drag queen in a pink spandex condom dress with a polystyrene ball stuck to her head. Seriously, it's like someone tried to gift wrap a Barbie with a world globe but got as far as the bow and then gave up.

* Then we get to meet her sassy sidekick - a rabbit - brought to us through some incredible CG effects done on MS Paint:

The special effects on this show are truly mind blowing.
(Also: it's possible Princess Cuculina has a prolapsed bicep.)

* Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Bitch stole my look."

* Next up is Peppermint who totally kills it as fiery sexpot Princess Carcinogenetta, despite her sidekick "Petey the Pilot Light", a literal flame that won't shut up about fire safety:

From 2018 this will be part of the national training video for all fire fighters.

* Moving on to Farrah Moan as Princess Pacifica, which is a coincidence because she looks like she's been dragged up from the deep:

Oh a bra with things glued to it and a piece of fabric, what a surprise.

Still looks great, though.

* Her sidekick is "Bubblina", a fish with no eyes that's also her publicist. Or something. Christ, I dunno, I feel like this episode is requiring far more hallucinogens than usual just to garner a basic understanding of what is happening.

* Next down the runway is Charlie Hides as Princess Climaxica, which sounds like a vibrator you'd find in a sale bin at a dodgy sex toy shop.

"The Princess Climaxica - unlike a real princess, it's cheap and actually works."

* Princess Climaxica's sidekick is some boring old fairy (no, not Carson Kressley, another one) so points off there, but her outfit is really quite gorgeous:

Also her head appears to be exploding, so good on her for keeping it together under those conditions.

* Moving along to Eureka, who has stuck a crown on her head, covered herself in glitter cockroaches and called herself "Princess You-Reek-of-Daria".

Either she doesn't know how to spell "diarrhoea", or she thinks the cult 90s cartoon somehow had a smell.

* Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Nice try."

* Eureka's sidekick is a dog with a British accent called "Ruff Trade" who launches into a long story about how she was "kicked out of topland" and banned by the army to reign in the sewers, and jesus where are those drugs.

* Moving on to Alexis Michelle, who is still under the illusion that people care about her social media accounts and so has called her character Princess #SubwayFish (yes, with the hashtag).

* Alexis looks like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" era Cyndi Lauper emerging from a giant garbag bag. She is also randomly carrying a stick, and is friends with a worm that looks like it's auditioning for the Beastie Boys. I have no idea what her outfit has to do with either subways or fish, or princesses, or anything in the known universe.

I think the idea is that she's a fish that someone bought in Chinatown and then accidentally dropped on the subway track?

* Still, it's slightly more inventive than Kimora's effort - "Princess Banana Lady".

"So she's this lady princess who like, has some bananas, so, like... I dunno. Princess Banana Lady?"

* With a teeny weeny bikini top and her butt cheeks barely covered by some shredded jungle netting, Princess Banana Lady looks like she'd be saved in Tarzan's speed dial under "L8 NITE BOOTY".

* Meanwhile, her sidekick "Funky Monkey" (top marks for inventive naming there, Kimora) is like what children's television programming would be in hell:

Enjoy your nightmares tonight.

* Speaking of nightmares:

Ten bucks says this is that peach painted silver.

* Moving on to former BCOF Sasha Velour who looks fine I guess, but then she introduces herself as "Princess Uglina from Self Doubtia" and starts crapping on about love and self acceptance and just UGH.

Apparently the cage on her head is a metaphor for the prison of the mind and oh FFS.

* Meanwhile, Aja looks great tonight!

Those makeup lessons are really paying off.

* Next down the runway is Shea Coulee with Princess Aquaria, which is appropriate because she looks a bit like a fish whose internal organs are spilling out mid-way through the gutting process:

I can't wait to see her flap around at the end of the runway.

* Meanwhile, it's good to see NeNe Leakes getting work after the Real Housewives:

And people call reality stars "two dimensional".

* GET. THE FUCK. OUT.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING.

* Moving along to Aja:

Well, she got the name right.

* Other queens have opted for monkeys, or dogs, or fish as their sidekicks. Aja has chosen an asthmatic Jewish "smoke cloud" who explains that she helps the princess realise her dreams of "coal mining and becoming a gold digger":

Coincidentally, "Muppet Lady and the Sentient Puff of Dust that Promotes Fossil Fuels" is the number one kids' show in Japan.

* WOOP! WOOP! SOUND THE ALARM! Trinity Taylor has gotten interesting! Yes, after two weeks of sort of just "being there", the pageant queen has sashayed her way to being this week's newest BCOF, with Princess Aquapussy and her moustachioed sidekick "Stanky the Starfish" being both great to look at and actually funny.

Cute as a button with just the right amount of dirty (so, like, a button you dropped in the mud).

With the runway finished, it's time for the judging.

* Peppermint reveals that her fire-themed costume was inspired by a traumatic childhood memory of the time she almost burned her kitchen down as a teenager.

Kimora's costume was also inspired by a teenage memory, but we can't discuss that in a public forum.

* It seems the judges are impressed with Petey the Pilot Light.

"I love when someone takes an inanimate object and makes a character out of it," says Toad of Toad Hall.

"Why thank you," says RuPaul.

* Valentina gets the usual harsh critique, with Cayenne Pepper telling her she looks like 90s supermodel Linda Evangelista:

That's Valentina on the left.

* "Every year Michelle and Ru tell people you can't come out here with a piece of fabric wrapped around your waist,"Toad of Toad Hall tells Farrah Moan.

"And I'm no seamstress, but..."

"Neither am I, you dipshit, THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM."

* Carson tells Kimora she didn't really sell him on what her Princess was.

"Um, what part of 'Princess Banana Lady' do you not understand?"

* "You seemed like you just couldn't wait for it to be over," says Cayenne Hot Stuff.

This is not a sentence he has ever had to utter before.

* In an effort to explain why she tried to win a challenge by licking a paper banana and acting like a robotic monkey Kimora launches into a whole sob story about how she usually wears a breastplate and pads and now she's not, and it's causing her deep psychological trauma and she's finding it really hard and...

Fig 31: A practical demonstration of "not having it".

* Meanwhile, La Visage criticises Kimora for being "robotic", which is ironic coming from someone who literally can't turn her head to the side.

Michelle's other job is working as a metronome for piano students.

* Cayenne Spicy McSpicerson tells Trinity Taylor that her "Aquapussy" reminds him of James Bond, and does an impression of Sean Connery, and...

Please excuse me a minute.

* Carson says he liked Farrah's blowjob but he was left unsatisfied. Sorry no wait, her blow FISH.

At least, I think that's what he said.

* Cayenne Pepper wasn't impressed either, saying Farrah Moan was "a huge, giant miss".

"I am not a giant miss! I'm a very thin miss!"

* "I literally had no clue what was going on tonight," says Michelle Visage, which is nice for her to finally admit. Except it turns out she's talking about Aja's princess story.

"She's a volcano, she's from Brooklyn, she's from Bed-Stuy, she's banjee, she's just going to the club to go hang out with her little clouds and stuff," says Aja which sounds less like an explanation and more like a stroke victim struggling to form a coherent sentence.

"Purple monkey dishwasher innertube!"

* RuPaul says she can't understand why Aja was wearing chaps if she was supposed to be a volcano.

Girl, she looks like Carrot Top's inbred half sister, none of this shit makes sense.

* Toad of Toad Hall praises Trinity for interacting with her starfish on stage, which is coincidentally also something she does in her late, late night shows if you slip her an extra $20.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge, which this week is an old dumpster in the parking lot with some plastic garden chairs propped up inside. It's the nicest dressing room Eureka's ever had.

Because they can't give Valentina the grand prize every week, Trinity Taylor is named the winner and awarded a swag of prizes including a half-used bottle of Febreze, a recording of Cayenne Pepper saying "Aquapussy" to use as her ringtone, and a copy of Jasmine Masters' new autobiography "I Have Something to Say".

Kimora Blac and Aja are declared the worst of the night, and everyone pretends to be shocked that Farrah Moan is safe because of the whole "glueing stuff to a bikini and wrapping fabric around your waist" scandal.

But girl, if you can wrap a bit of cheap fabric around your waist and stick some dead fish in your hair and look this good, you deserve to stay.

And so Kimora "Banana Lady" Blac and A "Banjee Brooklyn Volcano with Cloud Friends" Ja go head to head in a lip sync which this week is to epic 80s disco rock anthem "Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler.

Kimora's butt starts out strong:

She's holding out for some pants.

If only her butt could lip sync, because Kimora's mouth sure can't.

She normally pays people to lip sync for her.

But frankly it doesn't matter what Kimora's singing, because no one's watching her anyway - all eyes are on Aja the banjee volcano who is erupting all over the place and kicking much arse.

And just when Kimora is getting the hang of the chorus, Aja does this:

POW.

And it's game, set, match.

"Aja, shantay you stay," says RuPaul.

She's holding out for a hairdo til the end of the night.

And so Kimora grabs her banana and sashays away.

Any last adje-tives, Kimmy?

"Lip syncing is for ugly girls."

That's it for this week, kids!

Is now a good time to tell you that... I won't be doing any more of these for approximately six weeks because I'm going on holidays?

Sorry.

Yes, I am going to the fair city of NEW YORK on holidays, so instead of sitting around until 2am blogging about Drag Race I'm just going to go out and watch it at a bar or something (NYC queens - suggestions please!).

Sorry about that. Blame RuPaul for airing this season so late.

So join me back here in like, a month? Or go back and READ EPISODE TWO again, over and over, for six weeks until I return.

Don't forget you can also READ MY SEASON EIGHT RECAPS or READ MY SEASON SEVEN RECAPS.

Or for something different there's my BACHELOR AUSTRALIA RECAPS and heaps more stuff - just click the "categories" button over there on the right.

So look.

I know I abandoned you all last year after just three episodes of Drag Race Season Nine.

That's not my fault - I went away on holiday for a whole month right in the middle, before Nina Bonina Brown got annoying and before Valentina turned into a screaming, Lovecraftian nightmare and well before Sasha Velour impressed everyone by pulling some pot pourri out of her bald cap, and I sure as hell wasn't going to sit around in New York blogging. There are plenty of unemployed millennials there doing that already.

I'm sorry.

I was going to go back and fill in the gaps at some point... but in the meantime...

IT'S RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE ALL STARS SEASON THREE!

Whoever this person is, they're very excited.

I've traditionally not recapped the All Stars seasons, so we're in uncharted territory here, people.

I wonder how it will go?

Ooh ooh ooh, I hope it starts off with some extended satire of a popular TV show that might have been topical six months ago when they filmed it but now feels a bit awkward!

Oh yes, just like that.

So while previous All Stars winners Chad and Alaska try to wring something funny out of a show about female oppression that everyone stopped talking about six months ago and is actually extra creepy and weird in the current post-Weinstein era, we head over to the Werq Room where our first queen is arriving...

...and it's season seven alumnus Trixie Mattel, who enters on roller skates, catches sight of her hideous floral bodysuit in a mirror and immediately dies of shame.

If you squint, she looks a bit like a haemorrhoid.
Oh well, RIP Trixie.

Next through the door is season six queen Milk, with a complicated look that can be best described as "Paris Hilton going to a fancy dress party as an 18th century prostitute mushroom":

That's hot.

Despite looking like a 90s socialite dressed up as a promiscuous fungus, or more likely because of it, Milk has apparently spent the last few years male modelling for high profile clients like [INSERT VERY IMPORTANT BRAND NAMES HERE].

After she drops so many names a producer has to come in and sweep them up, it seems likely that Milk is going to be the somewhat annoying "Fashion Is My Passion" contestant of this season.

But I'll forgive him because LOOK.

Next up is former Bland Canyon favourite Chi Chi De Vayne, who famously debuted on season eight wrapped in black trash bags.

Now a full two years later she shows how much her look has advanced by showing up in...

...yellow trash bags.

These ones are lemon scented though, so... you know.

Moving along to Thorgy Thor, who spent most of season eight complaining about Bob the Drag Queen. This is coincidentally what I did too, so naturally I love her.

Dressed in a red glitter wig, copper foil chemise and rainbow coloured high-waisted metallic pants that may or may not be connected to her neck, Thorgy looks like what you'd get if McDonald's re-opened Studio 54 as a family friendly venue and needed a new mascot.

Just don't ask to see her golden arches.

Suddenly there's a commotion in the Werq Room as a gaggle of nurses and paramedics gathers near the door with a wheelchair, a defibrillator and an oxygen mask in preparation for the next queen.

There's a loud beeping as an access ramp is wheeled into place, and everyone is briefed on emergency medical care for the aged.

Approximately three hours later Morgan McMichaels hobbles in from the car park on a walking frame.

Exclusive still from Mariah's World: season 37.

At 36 years old (shock horror, someone take her behind the barn and put her out of her misery already, does she even still have her own teeth etc) Morgan is certainly one of the more mature queens this season.

Thankfully she doesn't act like it.

Morgan is fierce, tough and deliciously bitchy, plus I gave her a dollar at Hamburger Mary's in WeHo two years ago while on holiday, which makes me practically her benefactor, so GO MORGAN, WIN THIS THING. Then pay me back.

Here I am giving a dollar to @morganmcmichael because she is THE BUSINESS!! #DragRace #PandGUSA pic.twitter.com/19Rk4d3XSl
— Petra #ChangeTheDate Starke (@petstarr) May 18, 2016

Next through the door is Aja, who was only kicked off season nine like, five minutes ago, so clearly some sort of mistake has been made.

She was actually supposed to be starring in new reality show "Mall Stars", about OCD coupon clippers, but somehow the call dates got mixed up.

Quick, grab your eyeballs and try to stop them rolling back into your head, it's the sugar headache of season six - Ben De La Creme.

AKA Michelle Visage with more realistic boobs.

Describing herself as "terminally delightful", Ben's schtick is to be hyper positive, wide-eyed and sugary sweet at all times. It is exhausting.

"I'm here to show you can win with kindness and integrity, rather than be a bitch," she says.

Cool story, babe.

Just as Morgan is about to accidentally swallow a nail in an effort not to bite Ben's head off, the plastic walls begin to shake again and in walks season seven queen Kennedy Davenport.

With tiny mirrors all over her face, chest and arms, she looks like the "after" picture in a sexual health brochure about the dangers of STDs from sleeping with disco balls.

She had a lot of time to reflect on this outfit.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Bitch stole my look!"

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Nice try."

Next through the door is a giant box.

No, not that one.

This one.

GEE, I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE.

It's such a mystery.

I can't contain my excitement.

Hurry. Open It. The suspense is killing me.

In a surprise akin to open a giant box on Drag Race and finding Shangela inside, they open the giant box and find Shangela inside.

This.

Fun new drinking game: let's all take bets on how long it will take for Shangela to say "halleloo", and then whoever is the closest has to d...

I'm out.

Suddenly a siren blares and all the queens spin around wildly looking confused, as if this exact scenario hasn't happened dozens of times before.

"SHEERELLYDARNHEADHORSES!" shrieks RuPaul's voice over the PA system, which due to budget constraints this year is two coconut shells strung together with a piece of twine.

All the queens rush over to the old pizza box stuck to the ceiling they've agreed to pretend is a flatscreen TV this season while an underpaid producer reads out RuPaul's welcome message.

"This season is all about my comeback kids," he monotones.

"OMG the Comeback Kids? I've seen all their videos on Redtube!"

"Something something hall of fame, something something charisma uniqueness nerve and talent, blah blah henny hunty whatever."

Just then a low rumbling begins to emanate from beneath the floor, and the lights swing wildly from the ceiling as the walls start to shake (well, shake more than usual anyway).

Morgan rips off her fingernails in preparation to fight whatever's coming, while Chi Chi curls up into a ball next to the rubbish bins in the hopes she'll blend in. Kennedy tries to run but accidentally catches sight of herself in the mirror and is stunned into paralysis when the infinite reflection loop convinces her she's entered a parallel dimension.

The door at the top of the stairs slowly creaks open and...

Oh it's just that guy.

"Blah blah blah herstory, yada yada yada hall of fame, ra ra ra drag race," says the giant Twizzler.

Oh and also:

Have a tenth queen too.

Yes, surprise! There's one more queen on the block - season one winner Bebe Zahara Benet, looking like the lost sixth Braxton sister.

"Wait, what's happening? Who is it? I can't see shit."

With everyone assembled, it's time for the first mini challenge of the season - the READING CHALLENGE, where all the queens stand in a line and slag each other off in an effort to win RuPaul's approval.

It's a bit like American Idol except with insults instead of Whitney Houston songs, and RuPaul instead of Simon Cowell, and actually OK it's nothing like American Idol but you get it, right?

As per the usual tradition, I will be rating each queen's reads using the international standard shade measurement of Latrice Royales.

READING CHALLENGE in a nutshell:

Thorgy accuses Chi Chi of stealing her wallet and Aja of being a witch, and it's about as funny as it sounds.

Ie: Not at all.

Kennedy on Aja: "Welcome to the big leagues, where Charlotte Russe and Forever 21 won't cut it, little girl."

And on Ben: "Girl, where you been?"

Ben: "...Seattle."

It's possible Kennedy has suffered brain damage from the studio lights reflecting off her shoulders directly into her retinas.

Milk on Shangela: "I always thought her name was Angela, and people were just telling her to shut up."

I just... What?

Aja on Morgan: "I'd like to take the A out of your name and replace it with an O, because I'm pretty sure we'd all like you Mor-gone."

Seriously what is happening here this day?

Bebe on Thorgy: "Mother, she looks homeless."

UPDATE: Bebe comes from a galaxy far, far away, where homeless people apparently dress like extras from The Wiz.

Morgan on Chi Chi: "With that mouth you could put Black and Decker out of business, cos you got a mouth full of tools, honey."

Solid idea, failed execution.

Chi Chi on Milk: "Just like the drink, you give me the shits."

Finally. That's how it's done.

Trixie on Aja: "You're beautiful, you're gorgeous, you look like Seal."

On Milk: "You put a lot into this look. Like what, two per cent?"

On Shangela: "What about this season we put you in a box - because you're going to halle-lose."

POW!

Shangela on Ben: "It's nice to see you here. It's nice to see you anywhere seeing as you've been unemployed since season six."

BOOM.

Ben on Trixie: "I totally get your makeup, you're painting for the back of the room. Which makes sense, because that's where your audience collects if you remember to lock the door."

WE HAVE A WINNER.

With Ben De La Creme declared the winner of the reading challenge, and almost everyone else declared borderline illiterate, everyone disperses to de-drag and gasbag.

A hot topic of discussion is the new All Stars elimination rules, which dictate that the winner of the lip sync can choose who to send home each week.

"I'm just going to send home the bitch that I think is the strongest," declares Morgan McMichaels.

"It isn't shady, it's honest. It's a game, you have to play it to win it."

You also have to shut the hell up about your strategy so you don't get sent home yourself, idiot.

If this were Game of Thrones, Morgan would be killed by a dragon in the first episode.

I WONDER HOW DRAG RACE WILL WORK OUT FOR HER, LET'S WAIT AND SEE.

She can't breathe fire but she is scaly, so stay tuned.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and it's the next day in the Werk Room.

"Zaddy's home!" announces Milk for the second time this episode in what is obviously an attempt to create a catchphrase and...

I still refuse to accept this as a thing.

Everyone is busy preparing for the week's maxi challenge - a "variety show" where each queen has to showcase a talent - and of course the impending elimination is front of mind.

"Right now you just don't know how it's gonna go," says Kennedy.

"You just gotta set guidelines, and then what if we set the guidelines and somebody steps outside of those guidelines?"

So many guidelines.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

She gets it.

Speaking of the variety show: I can't wait to see Thorgy's act, which is a one-woman recreation of The Never Ending Story told from the point of Falcor the Luckdragon:

In this version, she has to stop "The Nothing" taking over Kennedy's brain.

Meanwhile, can we please take a moment to discuss some of the queen's "talking heads" looks? We might as well do it now, it's not like anything interesting is happening.

Here's Ben De La Creme, who looks like The Little Prince in the middle of his eighth birthday party at Burger King:

Her upward inflection kicked in so hard it permanently broke her eyebrow.

Bebe is dressed like Grace Jones decided to become a ninja:

Either that, or a clown sideshow from a gothic amusement park.

And then there's Aja, who looks like Kirby the Nintendo cloud self-manifested as Paris Hilton's chihuahua with a BDSM fetish:

I literally have no idea what is happening here.

Is it time to go to the runway yet?

Oh, it is?

Hooray!

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

As part of the show's well-documented commitment to highlighting environmental issues, RuPaul arrives dressed as this red algal bloom threatening America's rock lobster population through the proliferation of paralytic shellfish toxins:

She's putting her best frond forward.

Carrying on the environmental theme is judge Michelle Visage, who has decided to highlight the plight of the Amazon by coming dressed as a tarantula being swallowed by an anaconda:

Her anaconda don't.

Also on the panel is special guest judge Vanessa Hudgens, who did her bit for today's climate change theme by not washing her hair:

Kidding. I LOVE her hair and want this entire look on me right now.

Carson Kressley and Ross Mathews are also there, but they're not wearing anything interesting so who cares.
"Ross, are you ready for a come back?" asks Ru.

"A come back? That's two of my favourite things!" says Ross, and everyone laughs heartily despite the fact that there really isn't any joke there except for an awkward innuendo about ejaculation and you know what let's just move on.
This week's runway is actually a "variety show" presentation, meaning nine queens will come out lip syncing and death dropping, and Thorgy will play the violin.
First cab off the rank is Shangela, who thankfully has kept the "halleloos" to a minimum so far.

Well that didn't last long.

Flinging her gown off with a single "halleloo"Shangela takes us from church to the club, whipping her hair and high kicking all over the place in a glitter bodysuit and thigh high boots, finishing with a death drop. Using the international standard talent judging metric of Bianca Del Rios, I give her:

This is actually high praise.

Meanwhile, new drinking game! Take a shot every time Vanessa Hudgens is every straight girl in a gay bar ever.

Drink!

Moving on to Bebe Zahara Benet who embraces her Cameroonian roots by staging a one-woman tribute to The Lion King as performed by Tina Turner on meth.

"Psst - when does Simba come on?"
"Shut up, she's about to do Proud Mary."

Bianca?

Eh.

Oh, and:

You know what to do.

Hopefully those two drinks have kicked in because here comes Thorgy Thor and her violin, both of whom are under the mistaken belief that anyone wants to see actual "talent". We don't, we just want you to look good and be funny.

Unless that violin can take its wig off to reveal another wig underneath, I'm not interested.

Bianca, what's the verdict?

More like Thorgy Bore.

Next on stage is Aja, who starts by dramatically drawing a ninja sword and then... throwing it away. Cool move. Perhaps she was going to behead Michelle Visage but then saw her outfit and realised she was suffering enough.
Anyway Aja whips off her outfit to reveal another outfit, and then whips that off to reveal another outfit, which frankly shows more layers than anyone thought she had in the first place, and then this happens:

And the award for best use of a box on the runway goes to...

Over to you, Bianca:

She's good, but she's not THAT good.

Then just as everyone is putting their fans and smelling salts away and picking themselves up off the ground while sighing about the vapours, Kennedy Davenport comes along and does this:

"ANY IDIOT CAN JUMP OFF A BOX. CHECK THIS OUT, SUCKERS."

Holy shit. Thoughts, Bianca?

Damn straight.

Next on stage is Ben De La Creme with a one-woman presentation entitled "Michelle Visage on a Tuesday Night":

Accurate.

Meanwhile, over on the judges' desk:

Outside: "Ha ha that's hilarious!"

Inside: "I've got to stick some tape over my webcam."

What do you reckon, Bianca?

Agreed.

Moving on to Chi Chi, who storms in looking like a car wash brush that broke off mid-cycle and went spinning out of control across a highway.

TFW you try to scratch your bum in public by using your own butt cheeks.

EXCLUSIVE: Behind the scenes footage of Chi Chi's rehearsal:

So graceful.

The rest of the performance continues in much the same way, with Chi Chi stomping around the stage in ballet flats waggling her baton, and I can't help but think if she'd waggled her other baton she might be more entertaining.
Have you ever had a five year old demand "WATCH ME DANCE" and then had to sit there being encouraging while they clearly just make random shit up on the spot? It's like that.
Naturally, the crowd goes wild.

Who says you need choreography?

Over to you, Bianca:

I mean, BALLET FLATS?

Next up is Morgan McMichaels who comes out in a bejewelled bodysuit and yells "WELCOME TO THE LEGENDARY PARTY!". It's not clear what party she's referring to; maybe the GOP because none of her words make sense and she looks crazy.

"Step your pussy up! But not so much that it qualifies for universal healthcare!"

Spoiler alert: it isn't great. Bianca?

Yeahhhhhh nah.

Meanwhile, how's your drink looking?

Fill 'er up.

Moving on to Trixie Mattel, one of this season's funniest queens, who takes to the stage with an autoharp to sing a pretty little country song with no jokes in it whatsoever.

Wait, is the wig the joke?

Yes it's a nice song, and she's very musically talented, but... you know.

Me waiting for the jokes.

So Bianca, what do you think of that musical shot of valium?

THIS VARIETY SHOW IS A SNOOZE.

Not a moment too soon we reach the end, although any hopes of a show-stopping finale are dashed when Milk crawls out in a nude bodystocking shrieking "touch the fashion change your life" and it becomes clear we're all about to get a musical lecture about how trendy she is.

Actually Milk can you just... maybe... step to the side a bit... a little bit more...

Her act consists of saying the word "fashion" while sticking cardboard dresses to her front, which is about as exciting as it sounds.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Come back when you can turn yourself into a piece of fruit using only an old Kleenex box."

So Bianca, what's the verdict?

Nina agrees.

With the "variety show" finally over, having redefined the concept of "variety" as "a few lip syncs and bad dancing", it's time for the judging.

Everyone says Thorgy's look is very chic, a bit Liza Minelli, a bit Halsten.

I was thinking more "Plucka Duck" myself.

Michelle reads Chi Chi for wearing flats instead of heels, and Carson leaps to her defence saying "You have to wear those shoes for what you were doing."

Oh really.

Is that so, Carson?

"It was down here, when the rest of the girls were taking it up there,"Michelle says, and I'm not sure that she should be sharing such personal information to be honest.

Over in the corner where she's ordering her third espresso martini Vanessa Hudgens exclaims "I'm so into vogueing right now!"

You.

With everyone in agreement that all the queens were a bit crap, Aja and Ben are named the winners, each receiving a packet of bobby pins, a two-for-one drink coupon for the Shady Lady Tavern in Dayton, Ohio (expiry December 2016) an a can of Diet Coke that RuPaul looked at once.

But for every two winners there must be two losers, and because we can't vote for Vanessa Hudgens this week it's Chi Chi "Scuffed Ballet Flats" De Vayne and Morgan "Lame-o Lip Sync" McMichaels who are up for elimination.

So who goes home? That's up to Aja and Ben to decide - through the power of LIP SYNC. And a whole lot of blah-blahing backstage about how they're going to vote.

I wonder how Morgan is feeling right now.

It's not shady, it's honest.

"It's hard for me to think about - if you stay, will you knock me out?"Ben says to Morgan.

"Straight up honesty, I would send the stronger girl home, but if you want to go by what the judges said - they read Chi Chi's hair, her shoes and her all-round appearance, and they just picked on my lack of effervescence," says Morgan, instantly creating a Drag Race Brainteaser of epic proportions.

Basically - Morgan thinks the strongest player should be eliminated, and the judges seemed to think Morgan was stronger than Chi Chi, so... er... eliminate Chi Chi?

OH YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE.

"I've had Morgan force feed me vodka in a bar - I know she can give so much more than that," exclaims Aja, who apparently judges people's talent by their potential alcoholism. It's a pity Sharon Needles isn't here, Aja would probably hand her the crown.

"My decision is really based on who really fell, and who fell the hardest," she explains.

I think we all know the answer to that.

Meanwhile on stage Vanessa Hudgens is dancing on stage next to an actual porkchop in an extended joke that is absolutely not worth anyone's time. If they're going to do this every week I think we can safely declare this to be the regular toilet break portion of the show.

Anyway it's time for Ben and Aja's lip sync which this week is to Nicki Minaj's Anaconda.

TFW your outfit matches the song.

The music starts, they lip sync it, no one jumps off a box or cartwheels onto a box or takes off their wig, and sadly no one shows their anaconda.

TFW you can't find your fat ass big bitches in the club.

In the end though, RuPaul's anaconda only wants one - and it's Ben De La Creme.

Her multiple nipple tassels quivering, Ben steps forward to reveal who she has chosen to send home - and in an earth shattering surprise, it's Morgan McMichaels.

"Wait, does this mean I was the strongest? Or...?"

Well there you go, that's it. Thanks a lot Ben, you just eliminated the bitchiest contestant, so there goes all our drama for this season.

But wait, what's this?

Oh great, looks like this gag is continuing into episode two...

See you all next week for the next thrilling installment!

In the meantime, why not go back and read all my Drag Race recaps from previous seasons?

We rejoin our queens in the Werq Room where everyone is pretending to be upset that Morgan McMichaels has gone home.

Working particularly hard at achieving this illusion is Ben De La Creme, who actually sent her there.

"It's like, not winning. It feels really bad," she wails.

"Wait - this is the acting challenge, right?"

Little do they know that Morgan hasn't gone home at all but has actually been whisked off somewhere by the creepy handmaids to prepare for her probable "Ru-venge".

She's just in a quaratined area backstage, doing this.

"Well I just want you to know that you didn't make the wrong decision," says runner-up eliminee Chi Chi.

Everyone agrees.

"Mmm."

"Mmmmmmm."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

"Mmmmmm! Wait, sorry, what are we doing?"

Suddenly over in the corner Shangela erupts into a loud monologue about Game of Thrones for no discernbile reason.

"I AM THE DANAERYS TARGARYEN OF DRAG, SHANGELA STORMBORN, BABY I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS, I AM THE BREAKER OF CHAINS!" she yells.

Meanwhile, watching at home is the Jon Snow of drag:

She knows nothing.

And the Reek of drag:

This screenshot sponsored by the United Vegeterians Front.

And:

Hodor.

Ok so doobly doo, wavy lines and all that crap and suddenly it's the next day in the Werk Room where...

Wait.

Hold up.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Mood Fabrics is a sponsor now? What are they sponsoring? Maybe they're providing the charming brick print fabric that's pretending to be the walls. Or the thin layer of gauze that separates Kennedy from reality.

Oh by the way just casually, is now a good time to point out that I WENT TO MOOD LAST YEAR AND MET SWATCH THE PROJECT RUNWAY DOG?

The highlight of today, and actually possibly of my entire life to date, was meeting Swatch the Project Runway dog at @Mood_Fabrics. 🐶 pic.twitter.com/HEagr7SiY1
— Petra #ChangeTheDate Starke (@petstarr) May 12, 2017

He was fat and nuggety and licky and snorty and basically the best, so yes, you can be jealous if you wish, that's totally appropriate.

Anyway we're back in the Werk Room and everyone's standing around reliving the last 24 hours because what else is there to talk about.

"The variety show was, I thought, amazing. I had no idea who was going to be in the bottom," says Milk.

As a reminder:

Yeah, we all knew.

BREAKING: More exclusive footage of Chi Chi's rehearsals:

Such elegance, such grace.

Also, not to harp on, but:

WHY DIDN'T SHE DO THIS FOR THE VARIETY SHOW?

Milk is obviously lying to be diplomatic.

Unfortunately Chi Chi thinks diplomacy is a body of water somewhere on the other side of the world, so launches into an attack.

"I just felt like there really wasn't that much talent there besides that it was your original song," she tells Milk.

Coincidentally, this is the exact same response The Beatles got when they were starting out.

Before Milk has a chance to explain just how talented her roll of velcro is, "SHEEUNDRESSINBANANASSS!" rings out across the Werq Room, and everyone dutifully trots over to the centre of the studio to stare up at a stain on the ceiling they're pretending is a TV this week.

"Blah blah blah no one cares about this bit why do we keep doing it it's so pointless," reads the underpaid producer who thought it would be fun and a great opportunity to be the stand-in for the video of RuPaul that gets cut in in the editing suite, but actually just finds it to be a weekly reminder of how little his career has progressed since he left school.

Suddenly the Mood TM brick walls quiver, the large piece of painted cardboard everyone has been agreeing to pretend is an actual door for 12 seasons flies open and in walks a giant Magic Eye puzzle.

If you squint, you can see a man.

"We're throwing our very own VH1 Divas Live!" announces RuPaul, at which point all the queens immediately lose their minds.

Either they're excited by this challenge, or they've all just solved the Magic Eye on Ru's crotch at the same time.

I've never heard of VH1 Divas Live (frankly, it sounds like a type of organic milk product) but apparently it involves all the queens dressing up as various singing stars and lip syncing to their hit songs.

If only there was someone on the show who could give them some advice on that...

So, who's who?

Milk - that tall, pale thing that looks vaguely like a horse - will be Celine Dion.

Solid choice.

Kennedy will be Janet Jackson.

Yeah, I see it

Trixie will be Aretha Franklin.

Nah just kidding, she's Dolly Parton.

She knows it.

Shangela will be Mariah Carey.

Yeah, the resemblance isn't quite so good here...

"Thorgy, you'll be Stevie Nicks," announces RuPaul.

Meanwhile, everyone under 35 is like:

"I thought they had to dress up as women?"

"Aja, you'll be be Amy Winehouse," he continues.

Meanwhile, watching at home...

Rounding out this dog's breakfast of a concert is Ben De La Creme as Dame Julie Andrews, Chi Chi as Patti Labelle, and Bebe as Diana Ross, meaning she literally just has to strap on a wig and glide around the stage and RuPaul will probably give her the crown.

Speaking of dog's breakfast, meet this episode's self-declared underdog, Thorgy Thor.

"There is no way, because I'm Stevie, I'm ever going to win this," she says.

"I'm trying hard not to be a conspiracy theorist, but I feel like I'm being set up to fail."

Hey Thorgy, are you happy about getting Stevie Nicks?

Cool just checking.

Over in the other corner Milk is telling everyone how she is going to be the best because she once did an impersonation of Celine Dion in front of "the guy who was the event planner at her wedding" and he didn't boo her or throw a bottle at her head or whatever.

No one tells her that's just called "being polite".

Whatever her Celine impression skills are, I sincerely hope that a future episode gives Milk the chance to do "1960s TV Show Eleganza" because she would totally nail it:

Although maybe she'd have to do Lady Penelope instead...

With characters assigned and duly complained about it's finally time to rehearse, so everyone heads to the runway to meet Toad of Toad Hall for a run-through.

Wanting to make him feel at home so far away from the Wild Wood, Shangela comes dressed as somebody gradually exiting a bear:

Possibly the same bear that recently ate Aja's knees:

She's actually just worn them out from so much... praying.

VH1 DIVAS WHATEVER IT IS REHEARSAL IN A NUTSHELL:

Toad of Toad Hall tells Thorgy he's not going to give her much choreography. Coupled with the total lack of jokes in her song lyrics, this Stevie Nicks performance is shaping up to be on par with the time Fleetwood Mac accidentally snorted temazepam.
Aja announces she would have been a better Stevie Nicks than Thorgy, because she would have seized on the apparent rumour that Stevie was a witch.

"I would have came out with a pot, a broom, with a wand like WOO!" she shrieks.

Uh yeah, sounds cool. Can't wait to see her literal take on Amy Winehouse.

"I drank the wine."

"Hey you're not the only one who can be literal around here!" yells Milk.

"I'm throwing shade!"

Toad of Toad Hall tells Ben De La Creme to do her Julie Andrews with "a mixture of swag and pixie dust", which sounds like whatever the kids moved onto after Crokodil stopped being cool.
"Walk one, two, three and four and touch your vagina with one hand," instructs Toad, who clearly has a different understanding of the work of Julie Andrews than I do.
Meanwhile Thorgy is still trying to work out how to entertain the judges armed with nothing but a blonde wig and a lame instrument.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"I need to stand out amongst all this talent, but how do you stand out as Stevie Nicks?"Thorgy moans.

Hey Thorgy, just checking back in - are you happy with how this challenge is progressing?

Thought so.

Meanwhile forget Stevie: Thorgy's impression of Bebe doing an impression of Diana Ross should be her Snatch Game entry.

It's like a Twister mat came to life and became a women's studies major.

But enough of this fancy footwork and Fleetwood Mackery...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

This week's theme is "Rudemption", where the queens get to revamp their worst runway fails from their Drag Race season.

This is a great idea in theory, if there's any time left after Shangela has had her go.

She has quite a backlog to choose from.

Speaking of Shangela, she's feeling extra pressure, because Vanessa Williams is this week's celebrity guest judge.

"Not only is this a look that I failed at last time, but Vanessa Williams was the judge of the fail that I'm redoing today!" she shrieks, as everyone freaks out about how critical Vanessa Williams is going to be if Shangela's outfit isn't exactly up to scratch.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Who?"

In keeping with the theme of the day, RuPaul revamps her iconic "Project Runway" look...

Aka "Project Scare Away".

...but sadly the results aren't that successful:

Well they can't all be winners.

But before we get to the runway show we have to endure the VO5 Divas Eleganza Whatever The Hell, which turns out to be a five minute lip sync performance set to a medley of RuPaul songs as interpreted by celebrity "voice-alikes". And by "voice-alike", I mean "Hey, can you sing like Janet Jackson?""Janet who?""You're hired."
First up is Milk who is a dead ringer for Celine Dion, if Celine Dion were actually dead.

And previously used her face to ring bells.

Apparently this is a very true-to-life recreation of what Celine Dion wore to the Met Gala in 2017, which is a really great choice of costume here because it's not funny and literally no one remembers it.
Speaking of literal: Milk is performing RuPaul's Peanut Butter, and so has decided to wear a jar of peanut butter around her neck. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"I'M THROWING ACTUAL SHADE!"

Moving on to Kennedy Davenport as Janet Jackson, aka T-Boz in a rejected outfit from the No Scrubs video.

Ben is all of us.

Faring much better is Aja as Amy Winehouse:

Not that anyone is looking at her.

Out comes Chi Chi as Patti LaBelle and it quickly becomes clear that she hasn't updated her "dancing like a drunk dickhead" runway strategy from episode one:

If this is how Patti LaBelle performs it's no wonder she moved into pies.

Oh my, how embarrassing, Trixie forgot her costume and she's just come as herself and... oh, no wait. She's Dolly Parton.

RIGGED.

Honestly though, Trixie is great here and totally adorable and her lip syncing is PERFECT and she gets full marks from me.
Next is Shangela lip syncing to Mariah Carey as voiced by someone who has clearly never heard Mariah Carey speak, ever. It actually sounds like Alaska doing an impression of Lady Gaga on helium.
Fortunately Shangela's look is... OK?

I don't know her.

Moving on to Thorgy Thor with what is a near perfect Stevie Nicks impression and, it has to be said, the only song so far to resemble actual music.

I mean it's verging on Babadook but it's OK, right?

Predictably all the judges are shown making "huh?" faces as though Thorgy is just standing there pointing at a sign saying "I'm Stevie Nicks", because they've set this storyline up and dammit, they're gonna RIDE IT RIGHT ON HOME.
To recap:

The judges during Shangela's performance.

The judges during Thorgy's performance.

"And now here's Julie Andrews," announces Thorgy.

"Hello Ru, it's Julie Andrews!" declares Ben De La Creme.

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Terrible script notwithstanding, Ben De La Creme does a totally brilliant job of Julie Andrews rapping RuPaul's ridiculous Call Me Mother, such that I am now much more aware of lyrics like "titties so plentiful, fishy queen jezebel" and frankly life was better before.

I'm not quite sure what she's saying here...

And finally it's Bebe Zahara Benet as Latrice Royale:

Nailed it.

Moving on to the fashion runway, and first up it's Milk redoing her "Crazy, Sexy, Cool" look from season six. Given she dressed as a meth addicted rabbit the first time around anything would be an improvement, but the revamped outfit makes her look like Margaret Thatcher going to an art gallery fundraiser so it's a no from me.

I have no idea how these two looks work together, or why everyone keeps steadfastly refusing to reference TLC.

Next up is Aja, redoing her "Princess Disastah" look from season nine. This time instead of looking like Ronald McDonald's drug addicted cousin from the drop-in centre, she looks like Ronald McDonald's younger sister going to her quinceanera.

I guess this is an improvement.

Moving right along to Chi Chi De Vayne who has revamped her "what if Rihanna were a cheap Las Vegas hooker" outfit from season eight as "what if I were garotted five seconds before I walked out on the runway":

Someone get her a bandaid.

And here's Trixie Mattel, revamping season seven's "Ugliest Dress in the World" as... the ugliest dress in the world. But more pink.

The "fashion fail" is on the right. I think.

Next up is Kennedy Davenport with her "Death Becomes Her" look from season seven, when she had to dress as a glamorous representation of death but instead came as a prostitute chicken that "crystallised" after being set on fire by an angry client. I'm not joking.

And now she's sponsored by KFC.

But just when you think shit can't get any weirder, Kennedy actually crystallises and I'M the one who is dead:

"I didn’t die, bitch, I crystallised, and now I’m a Glamazon bitch ready for the runway!"

Meanwhile:

OK girl, we get it. You like to bedazzle your face.

Then there's Thorgy Thor, who has chosen to take her neon mini dress from season eight and reimagine it as a ball gown with a small peninsula stuck to her head, because why not.

Redefining the flat top for a new generation.

Next up is Ben De La Creme whose fresh take on her "dripping in jewels" outfit from season six involves actually putting some jewels on her costume this time.

Revolutionary.

Next is Bebe Zahara Benet, reprising her entrance look from season one. They didn't really show a good image of her original look in the episode, but I found a picture of it:

And people say the season one filter was too strong.

Anyway who cares what she looked like in season one because BAM:

So many pleather cows had to die for this outfit, and it was worth it.

And finally here comes Shangela, who has either redone her "Christmas Eleganza" look from season three, or has been quarantined in an oxygenated bubble after suffering from an aggressive outbreak of herpes.

Still, anything's better than looking like a marshmallow with a mullet.

Despite doing the world's worst Celine Dion impression and turning up to the runway looking like a dead former Prime Minister, Milk is declared safe. And she is thrilled.

This Milk's gone sour.

Vanessa Williams tells Kennedy she could have worked harder to make her Janet choreography "really crisp".

"Bitch I had CRYSTALLISED how crispy do I need to get?"

"I loved your runway look - I loved the covered face," Carson tells Kennedy in what appears to be accidental but nonetheless Full Throttle Maximum Impact Shade.
Not to be outdone, Michelle describes Chi Chi's look as a "neon challenge".
Carson tells Shangela her original fashion fail was like Beyonce, but her new look is Beyonce. Everyone nods and pretends this makes sense.
Toad of Toad Hall praises Shangela for doing her entire variety show rehearsal in character as Mariah Carey, which is funny because I seem to remember the entire rehearsal segment being about how everyone was thoroughly annoyed by that "unprofessional" behaviour. Oh well, it was a whole 15 minutes ago, memory can play tricks on you like that.
Vanessa Williams tells Shangela she's a superstar.

Sadly she doesn't hear her, as her earmuffs are picking up the racing results.

Michelle tells Thorgy her Stevie Nicks impression was "Thorgy with a blonde wig on", which if nothing else at least demonstrates a basic understanding of how costumes work.
Carson suffers a minor aneurysm, forgets he's judging a drag competition, tells Thorgy her makeup wasn't enough like Stevie Nicks' real actual makeup in real life.
"You're all All Stars, honestly, we have to pick up on the slightest infraction on the challenge,"RuPaul tells Thorgy.

Sure Jan.

Breaking news: I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
RuPaul congratulates Ben De La Creme on her performance of Call Me Mother, admitting "I don't even know the lyrics".

"It took me five days to record that song," she says.

Well I guess we now have an explanation for this.

Everyone praises Bebe for her Diana Ross impression because she "didn't do much".

Hey Thorgy, is that fair?

Thought not.

Shangela and Ben De La Creme are declared the winners, each taking home a glittering prize pack containing a half-used Chapstick, a beer can Sharon Needles once used as an ashtray and a copy of Manila Luzon's latest CD single, which can also be used as an ashtray.

Kennedy Davenport and Thorgy Thor are declared the worst of the week, and Thorgy immediately begins her campaign to not be eliminated by bursting into tears.

Sadly for her Milk beats her to it.

"I WAS SO EXCITED TO GET UP THERE AND HEAR WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF MY PERFORMANCE, I WANT THEM TO CONGRATULATE ME," she wails.

"TO BE STANDING ON THAT STAGE AND NOT BE COMMENDED FOR IT, IT'S STUPID!"

TFW no one recognises your artistic genius even though you wore a jar of peanut butter around your neck.

Insert joke about crying over spilled Milk here.

Realising she needs a new strategy, Thorgy tries to strike a deal with Shangela by offering to make an alliance. It's a good idea, but sadly no one can hear her over her eyebrows.

Whore wore it best?

"If you pick me I can't tell how I'm going to react," she says.

I reckon a bit like this.

Over in the other corner Kennedy is pleading her case with Ben De La.

"I don't make excuses, I'm very transparent," she says.

I think she means "translucent".

Meanwhile, back over on the judging panel:

Probably best not to ask.

Yes, definitely best not to ask.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

A reminder.

OK, things have gotten weird enough.

Thank god it's time for the lip sync, which this week is to the Pointer Sisters'Jump (For My Love).

"What are they pointing at though?"

Both on their way to a "Whitest Things in the World" fancy dress party straight after the episode, Shangela has come dressed as a tube of Macleans Triple Action Minty Stripe, while De La has come as Michelle Visage at her own funeral.

They've got the pointing thing down though.

There's lots of jumping, and pointing, and it's all extremely literal until...

...it gets even more literal.

Realising she's being upstaged Ben De La looks around desperately for a trampoline or pogo stick but instead has to settle for ripping her skirt off and copying Shangela's moves in a spontaneous vaudevillean gag act.

It's an inspired decision, but alas, early 20th century comedy stylings are no match for a skipping rope and spandex gold undies, so Shangela takes the win.

The question remains: will Shangela, the Daenerys Targaryen of drag, actually prove herself to be the Cersei Lannister of drag by sending home Thorgy after forging plans for an alliance?

Yep.

It's a swift and unexpected blow for Thorgy, who thought she was in with Shangela to the end, like Daenerys and her dragons.

I mean, she even dressed the part.

Bonus: the studio is now pleasingly sheep and goat free.

Defeated and depressed, Thorgy heads back to the Werq Room to leave a farewell note on the mirror for the other queens.

Fortunately she's not bitter at all, so it's a really heartfelt message.

She's even drawn a rocket ship, showing how she loves Shangela to the moon and back! How sweet.

Well, I guess that's it for this week. Make sure to come back next time for episode three when...

Oh.

This shit again.

I hope they've been remembering to feed Chad and Alaska in between episodes.

While you're waiting for episode three, why not go back and READ EPISODE ONE again? It might be funnier this time.

We rejoin the queens in the Werk Room, fresh from Thorgy's beheading at the hands of ~~Danaerys TargaryenCersei LannisterI'm super over this Game of Thrones analogy now can we stop it please~~Shangela.

As always there's a post-elimination scandal brewing, but strangely it's not the most obvious one (ie: how Milk managed to get away with murdering both Celine Dion AND fashion in the last episode and live to tell the tale).

No, it's about the willy Thorgy drew on the mirror before she left.

"No no no, that ain't right. At all," declares Kennedy in her best Good Christian Woman voice.

"I don't hold it against her," says Shangela.

"I DO," retorts Kennedy.

So I guess, let it be known that Kennedy will hold a willy against Thorgy if required.

Speaking of dicks, here comes Milk.

"I find Thorgy's concepts in her looks much more exciting," she declares, adding that she would have chosen to eliminate Kennedy if she'd had the chance.

"I mean let's just not sit here and act like I didn't do shit to deserve to be called," snaps Kennedy, who may well be experiencing the first symptoms of a stroke.

The other signs are a strange facial rash, and irritability.

"If I'm not your cup of tea then don't drink it, Miss Milk," says Kennedy in what starts out as a pretty solid burn but ends up being a fairly confusing beverage analogy.

And so there we have it, it's Milk versus Kennedy - gee I wonder who will end up in a runway conflict later on? LET'S WAIT AND SEE.

Doobly doo wavy lines more doobly doo etc and it's the next day in the Werq Room where all the queens have decided to solve the problem of Ben De La Creme winning everything by murdering her.

Happily, this also means lunch is sorted for the day.

"Now the stuffing's in I just have to tie her legs together... Has anyone got an apple to stick in her mouth?"

But before Chi Chi can get Ben's back fat nicely scored and studded with cloves, a familiar sound rings across the studio floor:

"SEESAWSINHELLARECURSED!"

Everyone walks over to the middle of the room to stare at an arbitrary point on the wall (the old pizza box that was nailed there had to be thrown out after being attacked by rats) while a producer reads out RuPaul's script over a Tannoy to cover for the fact that he's running late.

"If our relationship is going to go to the next level, I'm going to need you to open up - ROSEBUD," reads the producer.

So either this challenge involves re re-enacting Citizen Kane or doing an ad for KY jelly. I sincerely hope it's a combination of both.

I'm not sure if she's reacting to this announcement or just seen what's behind her.

Suddenly there's a loud whooshing noise and the studio floor begins to shake, sending all the discount diamantes flying off the Mood Fabrics 50% off rack.

"Great, now what am I gonna wear this week?"

Kennedy drops to her knees, pulls a bible out of her wig and starts praying, but her holy incantations accidentally resurrect Ben De La Creme, who awakens to find herself slathered in olive oil and her pants stuffed with garlic.

"Wait, is it Tuesday again already?" she exclaims.

Just then the door at the top of the stairs flies open and in walks a tastefully decorated bathroom.

I just LOVE these tiles, we got them from this gorgeous little bazaar in Morocco...

After showing everyone how to use his hands-free sensor-operated faucet, RuPaul tells everyone they're going to star in a new TV dating show called "The Bitchelor".

See, it's like The Bachelor, but with "bitch" in it, so it's funny, right? Are you sure you get it? But really, though?

"You'll be doing unscripted comedy scenes," begins RuPaul.

Noted improv comedy talent Chi Chi knows she has this in the bag.

Everyone gets assigned a character type: Bebe is the "shy virgin", and immediately decides to be an "African princess".

"In our culture you have to be married to be able to, you know... you have to be married to be able to have, er..." she stammers.

Thankfully Ben De La Creme is on hand to translate.

She's also available for school bookings.

"I think what they're going to be looking for in here is like, being so over the top with it," says Ben.

"It's hard to go extreme virgin," says Bebe.

"Extreme virgin? Has someone been looking at my browser history again?"

Over on the other side of the room Aja is discussing how best to convey her character of the "needy girl".

"I want my character to be so fucking crazy," she says.

"She's so insecure, she becomes crazy. Crazy and needy."

Meanwhile Milk's like:

"Need any tips?"

Actually Milk doesn't have any time to help others act crazy, she's too busy perfecting her own craziness to play the role of "the psycho stalker".

"It's sort of an easy transition into this role for me, because before I started dating my boyfriend I stalked him on Myspace," she says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"On what?"

In the other corner are Shangela and Chi Chi, who have been paired up as a "polyamorous couple".

Faced with the prospect of pretending to be a lesbian for a day, Chi Chi tries out some method acting.

"Is this how they do it?"

With rehearsals over it's time to hit the studio and meet their Bachelor... I mean Bitchelor... look, whatever he is, he's very handsome and charming, so the whole Bachelor parody is already way off the mark.

Please make this a real show. And cast me in it.

Enter RuPaul as the host, who single handedly wins the whole comedy challenge in the first 30 seconds by doing this:

And this:

Which, to be fair, are the same faces I made when I saw Jeffrey too.

Sadly Drag Race rules prohibit RuPaul from taking home his own trophy, so we're forced to endure Bebe Zahara Benet doing her rendition of "Shy African Princess #1" from Coming to America.

"I'm still a virgin - I have a special flower," she giggles.

"Maybe I can take a little sniff later," says Jeffrey.

ME.

Bebe is about as funny as a fart in a handbag, so thank god she's quickly pushed out of the way by Ben De La Creme in character as "hilarious and charming and the best at everything and most likely to win this whole season".

Oh no wait, actually her character is "the cougar", which she plays as a sort of ageing Britney-Spears-meets-Tan-Mom-meets-Jennifer-Coolidge-at-3am kind of deal.

"I'm not a normal mom, I'm a cool mom!"

Their double date with Jeffrey goes about as well as anyone could expect, with Bebe giggling and trying to make jokes about obscure African customs while BenDeLa steals the entire segment, show, series and my heart by drinking a whole bottle of vodka and gnawing on a banana.

Meanwhile Ben's Grindr inbox just went into meltdown.

While DeLa is slapping sausages on her face and rubbing bananas all over her chest, Bebe has nothing left to do but this:

Bebe speaks for all of us.

WINNER: Ben, hands down. (Her pants.)

Moving along to Aja, who has somehow interpreted the character of "needy girl" as "Paris Hilton off her anti-depressants", and spends her entire date with Jeffrey wailing about whatever comes into her head.

"I'm totally going to win an Emmy for this."

Much better is Kennedy as "the party girl", otherwise known as "Maury audience member".

"Jeffrey, you ARE the father!"

"What's your favourite part of my body?" Jeffrey asks.

"Your EVERYTHING," gasps Aja.

Kennedy wins.

WINNER: Kennedy. Duh.

Then there's Trixie as "the fake bitch", who basically just acts like Trixie and is therefore excellent.

When you tell your friends you can get them in the club for free but the bouncer won't play.

She's accompanied by Milk, who has totally nailed the character of "mentally deficient bird watcher".

Which is a pity because she was actually supposed to be doing "psycho stalker".

Their date with Jeffrey comprises of Trixie trying to land punchlines while Milk is screaming.

It's a bit like this:

But with worse comedic timing.
WINNER: No one. We are all losers. Burn this episode to the ground and salt the earth.

And finally there's our "polyamorous duo", with Shangela as a No Romance Without Finance type of lipstick lesbian desperate to get her bimbo wife Chi Chi pregnant by Jeffrey.

They're next up on Maury, after Kennedy reveals who her babydaddy is.

"Chi Chi likes a big head," says Shangela, measuring Jeffrey's skull.

"How is your head by the way?" Jeffrey asks.

"Oh, you have to ask my wife," says Chi Chi.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"What?"

Their date sees them jump in a hot tub with Jeffrey which, look, thank you producers.

Thank you very much.

Shangela sets her comedy-o-matic to full throttle and goes for broke, diving under the bubbles and cracking jokes while Chi Chi sits there looking like her Xanax has just kicked in.

"I haven't seen something that big and black in the water since I went to Sea World,"Shangela exclaims, bursting out of the water with a snorkel on.

Meanwhile Chi Chi is like:

Yes Chi Chi. Good girl, Chi Chi.

WINNER: Normally I'd say Shangela, but Chi Chi did seize the opportunity to kiss Jeffrey's nipples so obvously she's the real winner today.

With the dates over and everyone determined to be totally awful, Jeffrey ignores all the queens and gives his eggplant to RuPaul, which I think is a thing the kids are doing these days. It's great to see healthy eating finally being cool - thanks Michelle Obama!

Aubergine she better don't!

And so as Jeffrey carries RuPaul over the threshold, we head to the runway - and not a moment too soon...

Actual footage of me trying to get through this episode.

This week's runway theme is, as Trixie informs us, "wigs on wigs on wigs - as inspired by Roxxxy Andrews".

Which is probably better than the original tribute to Roxxxy Andrews: bus stop fashion.

Speaking of Trixie, she's yet to score a win (like, ever) and is feeling insecure about her position on the show.

"In the real world I'm a Beyonce, but in the Drag Race world I'm just a Latavia," she says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"At least Beyonce knows who I am."

Someone having zero doubts about their skills whatsoever is Milk, who is misguidedly preparing for a win after a solid afternoon of upstaging Trixie, Jeffrey and everything within a three mile radius.

"I thought I killed it," she declares.

If she's describing her effect on the comedy then yes, she killed it.

Speaking of Milk, wasn't she having some sort of a thing with Kennedy earlier on?

I wonder if that's still going?

Spoiler: it is.

Obviously this fight between Kennedy and Milk - which stemmed from Thorgy drawing a dick on the mirror, you may recall - is totally real and not just a convenient hook the producers have latched onto to find a dramatic end to the episode or anything, so it's all very believeable.

But whatever her plans for dealing with Milk, I am certainly intrigued by Kennedy's runway strategy:

I'm not sure, but I think the Australian closed caption writers may be having trouble with Kennedy's southern drawl.

But enough of all this.

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

RuPaul looks... bloody brilliant. I'm sorry, there's nothing funny to be said here, she looks really incredible.

This is what five minutes alone with Jeffrey and an eggplant can do for a girl.

Fortunately the same cannot be said for Michelle Visage, who has come straight from rehearsal for the West Pasadena Amateur Players' upcoming all-female version of Grease, in which she is playing Putzie.

In this version though it's "Titsie".

Ross Mathews is also in the show, he's playing a picnic rug that Sandy and Danny Zuco (Daniella) snuggle under at the drive-in.

So cosy.

First down the runway is Ben De La Creme, who pulls off a black beehive wig to reveal a three foot long silky black Cher wig, and then rips off her skirt to reveal the mother of all overgrown bikini lines:

Hair she is!

Moving on to Bebe Zahara Benet, who saunters out in a Japanese geisha costume and carefully fiddles with her hairline in what is a truly spectacular moment of theatre.

Any minute now...

While Bebe is struggling with her wig out bounds Trixie Mattel, who looks like something Jim Henson might have dreamed up after a particularly potent acid trip:

The illegitimate lovechild of Big Bird and Snuffelupagus.

Then she takes off her wig and it's like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle grew up and became a serial killing transsexual circus clown.

Not sure that was the look Trixie was going for tbh.

Meanwhile, now we all know which of the queens is the best to travel with:

Milk, because she always brings the Wet Wipes.

Moving on to Aja, who looks like Polly Pocket came to life and dropped ecstasy:

Molly Pocket?

She rips off the life jacket wig to reveal a cute blonde wig, and it's great, and her outfit is great, and she looks great and honestly it's the best she's ever looked so you know, well done Aja, and then...

OH MY GOD.

THREE WIGS?

BUT THAT'S UNPRECEDENTED!

WILL WE EVER STOP BEING IMPRESSED BY THIS RELATIVELY MUNDANE TRICK? NOT LIKELY!

Meanwhile, watching at home:

Never mind Roxxxy, what about all the other stuff you're famous for? Like... um...

Nek minit Kennedy's like

OH YEAH?

WELL COP

THIS.

And then DAMN SON, here comes Chi Chi De Vayne looking like Disco Fever Volume IV just came to life, dropped a tab of acid and stomped on your face with a glitter platform:

I am mega jealous of her boogie.

Then she takes off the afro and BOOM, she's Disco Pocahontas:

So she's hot. But has she ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Speaking of corn:

She's so a-peeling.

Dressed as a corn cob, for some reason, Shangela rips off her husk to reveal...

Seaweed? With popcorn in it? Popcorn salad? Girl have you ever seen cornsilk, it ain't green.

Meanwhile:

Who wore it best?

Special guest judge Constance Zimmer Frame says she loved De La's performance in The Bitchelor because of her layers.

I thought the whole point was that she didn't have ENOUGH layers, tbh.

Michelle says she keeps waiting for De La's balls to drop and they haven't yet.

I thought the whole point was that she didn't... OK never mind.

Ross tells Trixie she was "being talked over a little bit" by Milk in her Bitchelor scene, is immediately handed the trophy for Understatement of the Year Award.
Constance tells Milk, a six foot five drag queen with facial glitter, a retractable three-foot pony tail and a dress made out of bicycle reflectors, that "less is more". Thanks Constance.
Aja says she wanted to portray her "needy" Bitchelor character as "Farrah Moan meets Kim Kardashian". It is quickly determined that Aja does not know what "needy" means, and may need some language assistance for future challenges.
"I didn't get needy from you at all. Needy is constantly needing somebody to be approving or tell you how beautiful you are,"Michelle tells Aja.

"Like 'please love me, please tell me I'm pretty', that kind of thing," adds Constance.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Is someone calling me?"

"From the teeth, to the tits to the ass, you were absolutely hilarious," Jeffrey tells Kennedy, which is coincidentally the exact same feedback Michelle Visage was given after her first audition for Seduction.
"If you're going to be a bottom, at least be a power bottom," Jeffrey tells Chi Chi, and I think we can all agree that comment needs no more context or explanation.

As appears to be tradition this season Ben De La Creme is crowned the winner for the third time running, and everyone else gives up and goes home because TRULY WHAT IS THE POINT.

No, not really. Kennedy Davenport is also declared the winner, and both queens receive a bottle of Snooki's new perfume "Boob Sweat", a fruit basket containing extra honeydew and a copy of Michelle Visage's book "The Diva Rules". So that's... nice... for them.

But for every top there must be a bottom, and this week there are three: Chi Chi, Aja and Milk.

OH HOLD UP.

WAIT.

DID YOU SAY KENNEDY IS ON TOP AND MILK IS ON THE BOTTOM?

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY KENNEDY MIGHT GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEND MILK HOME, MERE HOURS AFTER THEIR BIG, AS YET UNRESOLVED FIGHT?

Well isn't that something.

"Milk, you seem quiet, what's going through your head?"Ben asks.

Her ponytail, I think.

"I just did not see this coming at ALL," cries Milk.

"I thought Trixie and I had an amazing back and forth in The Bitchelor."

Meanwhile, everyone else is like:

"Oh really do tell us more."

Changing the subject, Bebe asks Kennedy and Ben whether they're going to have one-on-one chats with the bottom three queens to determine their vote.

"I decided not to - I'm just going to just make my own professional decision," says Kennedy.

TFW the ho you called basic unexpectedly has your future in her hands.

Sensing she may possibly have lost Kennedy's vote, Milk charges at Ben De La Creme with a last ditch appeal for mercy.

"To be in the bottom three with two queens that didn't give 100 per cent, that were bulldozed by their scene partner - and then there's me," she gasps, apparently unaware that she was, in fact, the bulldozer in that equation, and that that isn't a good thing.

"The judges actually want me to continue in this competition. The other queens respect me and they want me to be here."

"Oh please, do go on."

Meanwhile, Chi Chi's already given up and is planning her post-All Stars vacation getaway.

Take me down to...

...where the grass is brown and everything's shitty!

But after all this sparkling conversation it's finally time.

Kennedy and Ben go off to cast their vote for the elimination, and it's a tough decision, especially for Kennedy.

Such a tough choice.

Meanwhile back at the judge's desk Michelle is telling everyone about the time she met Harvey Weinstein.

Not a single person made a joke about blowing in this segment and I'm extremely disappointed.

Sadly she doesn't get to finish her story because Ben and Kennedy take to the stage for their lip sync, which this week is to Lorde's Green Light.

"Why it gotta be green?"

It's moody, it's dark, it's tortured.

Literally tortured, in De La's case, as she whips her hair around and looks for a moment like a seal caught in kelp.

Less Lorde, more "Good lord what is that?"

Kennedy meanwhile goes for a more classic performance, giving some real Eartha-Kitt-don't-take-none-of-your-shit vibes.

Straight after this she's off to fight Batman.

In the end the choice is clear (mainly because they've set up this complicated battle narrative and really need to wrap it up): Kennedy is the winner.

OH GEE, I WONDER WHO SHE WILL VOTE FOR.

No one knows whether this is actually Kennedy's vote or just an old shopping list she found in her bra.

For some reason, everybody is shocked by this result, not least Trixie whose mouth is so agape she looks like a circus sideshow.

Well at least this way she'll get paid for getting balls stuck in her mouth.

"I will continue to make you proud, and I will do things that nobody else has ever done," declares Milk as she strides off stage, so please look forward to hearing about the first drag queen to cure cancer on Mars.

But wait, it's not over yet...

Tra la la.

OK, time to go on and READ EPISODE FOUR. Or you could always go back and READ EPISODE TWO again?

We're back in the Werq Room after Milk's elimination, and any hope the queens may have had for her gaining some humility through her eviction is smashed like a MAC concealer on a tiled floor when they see her farewell message on the mirror.

Sour Milk.

And for those of you who thought that analogy was a little too specific, yes you're right, and yes I am still feeling a little raw over it.

IT WAS BRAND NEW, GOD DAMMIT.

"Let me go on and say why I did what I did,"Kennedy announces, as if it's not already completely obvious why she voted Milk out.

Not that you need to be a rocket scientist to solve this equation, but Milk being not great + Milk telling Kennedy she's basic = bye bye Milk.

"Like the judges, I was not enthused about Milk at all," she continues, which is a bit unfair because everyone knows Michelle Visage's lactose intolerance is genetic and has nothing to do with terrible acting.

Meanwhile Ben declares she would have voted for Chi Chi. No one is bothered.

Doobly doo wavy lines etc and all that crap and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where

WAIT WHAT NOW?

Where's the "SEEDLESSBUNSAREREALLYBADFORHER" siren call?

Where's the 30 seconds of pointless staring and grinning before Ru walks in the door and everyone pretends to be surprised?

Either the editors have suddenly gotten more efficient or they've been forced to slash the show by 20 minutes after losing their Mood sponsorship. Fabric is expensive, y'all.

Either way who cares, because this week's challenge is... THE SNATCH GAME!

For the uninitiated (why are you here?) this involves each queen impersonating a celebrity as part of a comedy game show with RuPaul as the host. Laughs are the only metric worth measuring, which is a pity becausde they're usually in short supply.

Still, competition should be strong this season, with two past Snatch Game winners on the panel.

There's Kennedy who won as Litle Richard:

Uncanny, I think you'll agree.

And BenDeLaCreme who won as Maggie Smith:

Having a stroke.

It's clear they'll have no problem romping it in again this year when Trixie announces she'll be doing RuPaul, something that has famously not gone down well for previous contestants.

Personally, I think Jessica Wilde nailed it in season two.

"Every time I do RuPaul in front of people they think it's hilarious," declares Trixie, who is as confident as someone on a reality TV show before everything goes wrong.

"It's gonna be great. I'm winning the challenge."

Even the wig isn't sure about this one.

Still, she might do better than Chi Chi, whose Maya Angelou appears to be her Season 8 Eartha Kitt impression but in an African headdress, and Bebe, whose Grace Jone seems to stop at a pair of pointy shoulder pads.

BenDeLaCreme meanwhile appears to be onto a winner with 1970s comedian Paul Lynde, something that will no doubt tickle RuPaul, who is famously obsessed with nostalgia.

Also, she's won so many times now she could probably show up in a burlap sack and shout "I'M OPRAH!" and the judges would love it.

Ben's runaway success is not lost on Trixie.

"I'm this horse, and I see this other horse miles ahead, and it's like, I'm never going to catch up," she despairs.

Well no wonder: horses don't run like that, Trixie.

Just as Trixie is grappling with the anatomy of racehorses (extra difficult, because she normally waits until Mondays to do that), there's a shriek from her station where Shangela is pointing at the wall.

"WHAT'S THIS?"Shangela cries.

It seems Trixie has hung up a farewell note from Thorgy that was somewhat uncomplimentary towards Shangela, and she is not happy.

GASP.

"I didn't write it," explains Trixie.

"But you hung it on the wall," snaps Shangela.

For all the millennials watching unfamiliar with the concept of pen and paper: this is like retweeting someone else's shade and then pointing to your profile description that says "RT DOES NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENT".

Meanwhile can we all take a moment to marvel at how anyone managed to hang anything on those walls in the first place? What did she do, sew it there?

Anyway just as Shangela and Trixie are about to throw down the door at the top of the stairs springs open and in walks RuPaul with some guy he met on Tinder.

"I wasn't even trying to swipe right, I just got mayonnaise on my phone."

Actually it's fashion designer Marc Jacobs who is there for some reason to give his opinion on everyone's snatch.

I mean Snatch Game idea.

Look, none of this makes sense, let's just forge on, shall we?

"It is so exciting because I get to embody somebody else that is not necessarily me,"Bebe tells Marc about impersonating Grace Jones, which if nothing else demonstrates a basic understanding of what acting is.

Also - "not necessarily"?

Is Grace Jones aware she MIGHT be Bebe Zahara Benet?

Moving on to Shangela, who announces she's going to impersonate famous Jamaican TV psychic Miss Cleo, but then immediately launches into an impression of a drunken Irish barmaid.

It is, objectively, the worst Jamaican accent since this:

This is Oscar worthy by comparison, actually.
Moving on to Kennedy who starts showing off her "church lady" outfit and twin baby props.

"Oh oh oh I know, you're a Housewife of Atlanta - you're Phaedra Parks!" shrieks RuPaul.

"PHAEDRA PARKS!" gasps Kennedy.

"Ha ha ha I know who that is I know what's going on why am I here again?"

Also in this segment:

Chi Chi fine tunes her Commedia Dell'arte skills:

She's also available for children's parties.

Kennedy picks up a Red Bull sponsorship:

When you haven't got any tea to sip but you still want to make a point.

And Marc Jacobs makes a quiet escape by taking a boxcutter to the fabric walls, slipping out into sweet, sweet freedom and vowing never to return.

And with that...

IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!

Trixie's RuPaul looks more like Milk as Trixie as Anna Nicole Smith:

But damn if her underarms aren't silky smooth. What is this voodoo and how do I do it myself?

Kennedy's Phaedra Parks would probably be more impressive to me if I knew who Phaedra Parks was:

I mean, sure.

Likewise Shangela's Jennifer Lewis:

Buh.

And Aja's Crystal LaBeija, who I'd never heard of until I Googled her just then and yeah, you know what, well done Aja.

This is a solid snatch.

But let's all just stop this charade now and put a crown on it, shall we?

Bloody perfect.

Meanwhile:

"Shit, we'll all be out of a job if this bitch isn't stopped soon, better keep smiling and waving..."

Chi Chi's impression of one of America's greatest wordsmiths goes really well until she misspells her own name on her placard.

Well it was a worth a shot.

Bebe looks totally incredible as Grace Jones, even if she has only taken what she wears in her confessionals and added some sunglasses and shoulder pads.

Sadly the act doesn't really live up to the look, as she confuses "Grace Jones" with "that character from 1990s Eddie Murphy film Boomerang" and just starts yelling about her pussy in a strange accent (which is coincidentally what Michelle Visage does every Tuesday night in her meditation sessions).

Wow, Whoopi Goldberg has really changed direction since she joined The View.

"YOUR MISS JONES WAS NOT GRACEFUL!" interrupts Trixie from the back in a stunning display of bad comedic timing.
Meanwhile, watching at home:

"See, I told you it wasn't my fault."

RuPaul asks Chi Chi why the caged bird sings.

"The caged bird sings darling, because..." she begins.

Approximately ten minutes passes by.

A tumbleweed rolls through the studio.

Day turns into night, then day again.

Babies are born, elders die, their bodies turn to dust.

Entire histoy books are written and re-written.

"I don't know why the caged bird sings,"Chi Chi concludes.

Such a powerful book.

"I'M GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE,"Shangela yells.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT MENOPAUSE THOUGH, AIN'T NO MEN UP IN HERE."

Meanwhile, in the back row:

"Shit, wish I'd thought of that."

Next question: "My new cookbook contains a recipe for spaghetti and BLANK balls," says RuPaul.

Not Grace Jones, not funny, doesn't make sense. That outfit though, right?

"My balls are tucked so tight I blacked out, fell down, just woke up a second ago and wrote 'now available on iTunes'," says Trixie Mattel.

Oh look what's come back to visit.

Kristin Chenoweth(yeah, she's there or some reason - maybe she came in with Marc Jacobs and is still looking for him) says to Trixie: "RuPaul, I've been meaning to congratulate you on your new Hollywood star of fame!"

To which Trixie repies "Thank you my dear, as they say in the industry: 'winner, winner, chicken dinner'!"

Looks like it's sticking around for a while.

Thankfully some actual comedy arrives in the form of BenDeLaCreme who answers RuPaul's balls question with "I just wrote the balls I find the most delicious - 'anonymous'."

Spying another opportunity to show off her total lack of comedic timing, Trixie declares "YOUR ANSWER WAS AN ANONY-MISS!"

Can somebody get that tumbleweed a room for the night please?

"Y'all told her it was funny on the internet. I blame y'all," says Shangela.

I can't help but feel responsible.

Not that Michelle Visage is doing any better as a contestant. When RuPaul says "Ricky Martin is so hot, BLANK melts in his mouth and his hand", she answers "flan".
"The winner of today's Snatch Game is the Amish, because they don't have televisions," announces RuPaul, and it's honestly never been more true.

Doobly doo wavy lines and doobly doo and more wavy lines and would you look at that?

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

Having already lost Mood Fabrics as an advertiser, RuPaul appeals to new sponsor RoundUp by coming dressed as a woman being slowly strangled by weeds:

A quick once-over with her whacker and she'll be good as new.

Also attempting a botanical theme, Michelle Visage has come as... Michelle Visage. But with flowers.

She's a noxious weed.

What follows is the fastest runway parade in Drag Race history, with each queen given approximately two and a half seconds of airtime to show off their best "flower power" extravaganza. This is fantastic in terms of getting this damn episode finished, and not so fantastic in terms of actually seeing what people are wearing.

But anyway, in a flash:
Aja covers herself in daisies:

Marc Jacobs would be especially impressed, if he weren't already in an Uber 20 miles away.

Shangela doubles down on her Snatch Game glory by coming as Beyonce's pregnancy announcement.

Epic.

Meanwhile, backstage, you can just hear Trixie faintly saying "But *I'm* the Beyonce of drag..."
Bebe comes out looking totally gorgeous, manages to make it boring.

It's a sad rule of Drag Race that if you always look perfect and glamorous the audience forgets you exist.

Kennedy looks like the poster for horror film Not Always Sunny in which the residents of a small rural town are attacked by alien sunflowers:

It's like an Anne Geddes baby grew up to be a high class hooker.

Chi Chi looks bloody gorgeous, there's not much more to say:

The sheer chest covering says "take me home" while the lilies say "take me to visit your grandma's grave".

Trixie looks like she's just taken her "ugliest dress in the world" redux from week two and thrown some fake roses on it.

It's like she got caught in a Snapchat filter and can't get out.

And finally here's BenDeLaCreme looking rather upsettingly like a mouldy vagina.

Not sure that's the look she was going for, tbh.

Kristin Chenoweth tells Aja she loves her outfit and wants to meet her in a back alley somewhere. This is the first time Aja has had a proposal like this without it being accompanied by a dick pic, so congratulations Aja.
Another guest judge whose name I've forgotten but who is annoyingly described as a "Drag Race Superfan" tells Bebe she looks like a "fudgesicle dipped in flowers". I don't know what this means.

But I think maybe this?

Carson tells Kennedy she needs to "up the sophistication level" of her outfit.

This from the man who literally wore a test pattern earlier in the episode.

Just a reminder.

Carson tells Chi Chi she should have done a "later years Maya Angelou - a little more fuller figured". Sure Carson, THAT was the problem.
Michelle delivers the diss on Trixie's RuPaul act, Trixie cries, and a whole new crop of daisies bursts into bloom on her face.

In order not to break with tradition BenDeLaCreme is declared the winner for the fourth time a row, and Chi Chi is sent to the bottom. Hey, if it ain't broke, right?

Shangela is also declared a winner, so she and DeLa both take home a glittering prize pack containing a box of Cadbury's Favourites with all the Cherry Ripes removed, a Happy Wash voucher (expiry March 2018) and a trophy (it reads "Most Improved 1997" but if you turn it round you can't tell).

Joining Chi Chi in the bottom are Trixie and Kennedy - but who will Shangela and Ben choose to send home?

"I'm trying to work out is Trixie Jon Snow or is she Cersei Lannister?" says Shangela as everyone collectively around the world yells:

"OH MY GOD WE GET IT!"

But enough of all that. It's time for the lip sync!

Both DeLa and Shangela have opted for quirky 1950s looks for tonight's performance of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl", with Ben in a flirty pink mini and Shangela in polka dots and an updo.

Shangela has also once again opted what she appears to think is the internationally recognised symbol of female sexual curiosity: glasses.

As DeLa stalks Shangela hungrily around the stage looking for opportunities to pash her on the chorus, it seems fairly obvious there's some sort of lesbian-esque denouement on the horizon, an eventuality which seems to get even more likely when Shangy rips off her dress to reveal a black, beaded bikini and suspenders.

It's more like a National Geographic documentary than a lip sync at this point.

It's at about this point that I have the sudden realisation that "the taste of her cherry Chapstick" is a lyric I have been misunderstanding for 10 whole years.

They're educators, these girls.

The whole thing finishes with Shangela throwing breathmints at DeLa, and both of them ending up writhing on the floor together. Basically this should be the new official video clip for that song - Katy Perry, sort it out.

But there can only be one winner - and this week it's Shangela.

Oh and also BenDeLaCreme - because as it turns out this week there are two winners.

Psych!

"You've each won the power to send one of the bottom queens home," announces RuPaul.

OHHHHHHHHHH

WHATTTTTTTT

THIS IS TOO MUCH BUT I LIKE IT.

"There's three of us up for elimination and two lipsticks - this is bad," says Trixie.

So at least if she gets kicked out she can probably go teach advanced mathematics or something.

With Trixie, Kennedy and Chi Chi lined up and ready to accept their fate, the lipsticks are drawn and...

SNAKE EYES.

"Well I'm sad to go," says Chi Chi, beaming like she's just won the lottery and dancing out the door.

But as we know by now, it's not over until the fat lady sings...

Or until the two hoes in red come to grab you.

See you next time!

Want more? Go back and READ EPISODE THREE again maybe?